I just need a safe place to vent right now... I feel so upset and sick for myself today… I feel distracted and discouraged. The worst is that I start to wonder all over again if I will ever get totally over my inappropriate friendship with OM. It scares me! I know it’s a long time since I’ve last talk like this and I know I sound very negative today, but I just need to get it out!

Last month I’ve posted on the anxious feelings I still experience in a major degree when I accidentally bump into OM. Is this anxious feelings still normal? For those who don’t know my story, the inappropriate friendship on e-mail with OM ended 17 months ago and I’ve send the NC-letter last year after he tried to contact me 2 times. For months after that there wasn’t any accidental contact with him and it was during those times I’ve started to feel relatively healed from residual feelings etc.

Well, to get to the point - I’ve bumped into OM twice last week. The first one was very brief on my way to the office (I felt ok) but during the second one I was in one of my colleagues office (at the building where OM work) and OM came in to get documents. He was standing there only for a few moments while he was talking to my colleague, but it felt like a lifetime until he left the office again. During those moments I didn’t just feel anxious, but I literally experience the reactions of someone who is very afraid and fearful! It’s terrible. I could actually feel how the blood started draining from my face, how my heart started pounding in my chest, my whole body was shaking and I felt totally distracted. I’m not sure of anybody could see that I felt like this. Normally when I experience anxiousness I try to hide it the best I can, but I’m not sure if I always succeed.

This morning on my way to the office I bumped into OM again. He just greeted and passed by. Immediately I experienced that “all shaky” feeling in my whole body again. I don’t know, but I really start to think there is something seriously wrong with me… After the NC-letter OM didn’t try to contact me again – until now he still respect my boundaries and just greet briefly when he accidentally pass me. I don’t understand why then I still experience these extravagant feelings and fearfulness when I see him. I understand anxiousness is still normal and healthy if it’s in a mild degree but I really don’t know it my extravagant reaction is normal? The way I’m experiencing it is really distracting. The worst is that after I saw OM this morning I’m aware that I still have the lingering feelings for him. For a moment after I saw his face and hear his voice, I was missing his friendship and e-mail again and wonder how it will feel to just talk to him again. I know it sounds terrible. What’s wrong with me? It seems after all this time I still have this weakness in my heart. I feel so guilty about it. I have a wonderful H, I love him very much. I have a happy M and I know I will never do something to hurt my H again. I especially know I must stay far away from OM, I know I’m strong enough to not allow myself to have contact with him again. I know I will not act wrong again, but I still have this weakness in my heart for him and I see it as a thread.

It worries me that I also experience these anxious and fearful reactions sometimes in other situations where it is not necessary or inappropriate. The medication I currently use for OCD, anxiety and depression definitely keeps the obsessive thinking and depression under control, but the anxiety is starting to get worse again. Currently I experience a very bad time at work (my H has lost his job in the same institution where I work – he was victimized and unfairly dismissed). Maybe if someone have an anxiety-deviation (like me) it’s normal that the anxiety will get worse during emotional stressful situations like me and my H is currently experiencing with his job situation?

Sorry so long, but thanks to anyone taking the time reading this post. I will appreciate any feedback or encouragement. I really feel very low today and needs support.

Thanks,
Suzet

You are having a perfectly natural reaction. Your mind is giving you danger signals. Continue to stay away from OM. Support your H while he is off work. It must be a terrible blow for him.

The stress involved will cause extra anxiety. But you and H have been through a lot, and can get through this together.

I don't know if this will help. I am experiencing the same feelings as you have but only in the opposite situation.

I am doing my 3rd week of Plan B. Strict no contact.

I am having major withdrawal from my WH. I think of him 24/7. When he comes to pick my daughter, i force myself to be away from his sight but i can hear his voice. I tell you the feelings i feel is the same as you feel! The "shaky" feeling, the anxiety, the heart pounding etc etc. I feel all that too.

The only difference between u and me is that you STILL HAVE YOUR HUSBAND to support you and love you.

I HAVE NO ONE TO FALL BACK ON!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But you have someone to fall back on...so think about that...think about how much torture i am going through as the BS.

Please don't break contact, Suzet.

I am not going to break contact to save my marriage in Plan B. It is very very hard. It is so lonely. You won't believe the loneliness and the emptyness especially when you have NO ONE to fall back on...at least you still have your husband to help you.

Be strong and don't break your contact.

zizzy, thanks for such a positive perspective to the issues that us WS must endure while we go thru withdrawl from the OP. helps me appreciate the fact that H is here for me...

i am so sorry you are going thru such pain and i know it's hard to believe that when it comes from a WS, but i really mean it.

Suzet,

it is good to come here and vent all you want. this place is full of so many wonderful people.
have you talked to your husband about this at all? maybe your anxity is being multiplied because you are worrying about your husband too. If you have not told him everything you have told us here, my suggestion is to do just that. And then keep posting here too. stay strong suzet, lean on God, lean on your husband and lean on us. all the best.

Thanks to everyone who&#8217;ve responded!

This is indeed a difficult time for my H and I&#8217;m there all the way to support him. As I&#8217;ve said on the other board (and I will copy it from there) - I think the added stress of my H&#8217;s job situation is something that contributes to my anxiousness and triggered feelings towards OM right now. Currently I&#8217;m also a target for victimization by this institution (because of me and my H&#8217;s connection) and I&#8217;m also experiencing that many of the people I know at this institution trying to avoid me since my H was suspended and dismissed. Someone at work (I thought of as one of my best woman friends), also avoiding me right now... Most of the staff feel threatened, disloyal and negative towards this institution and want to protect their jobs (work unemployment is very high in this country) and I think they&#8217;re afraid they will be targeted too if they identify with me or have too much casual contact with me&#8230; During the day I can&#8217;t have contact with my H and sometimes at work I really just crave the support, encouragement and understanding of someone here who really cares and understand&#8230; And it&#8217;s during times like this I start to miss OM&#8217;s friendship and e-mail again. I remember on one stage OM was also treated very unfairly at work and then we were there to support and encourage each other through e-mail. But I know I will get through this phase and it will get better again! It is just a difficult time for us. I must stay strong for my H right now and continue to seek God&#8217;s help and support.

Believer, as you&#8217;ve said &#8211; me and my H have been through a lot and we can get through this together&#8230;

Zizzycool, thanks so much to you as well! You are so right&#8230; After I have read your post it reminded me to count my blessings again and be grateful. I&#8217;m so sorry for your pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Although I&#8217;m a former WS and will probably not be of much help, I will be there to listen and support you&#8230; Please post any time. The people on this board really care and you are not alone&#8230; I will pray for you.

FinallyLearning, yes, my H knows about all of this and yesterday night I&#8217;ve explained my feelings to him again... It was not easy to tell him that I&#8217;ve realized there is still some residual feelings for OM, because I don&#8217;t want to hurt my H anymore, but I&#8217;ve hide to many things from him in the past. I&#8217;ve learned my lesson too well and I want to be totally honest and transparent to him as much as I possibly can. Thanks so much for your encouraging and supporting words. It meant a lot! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Suzet...I hope that you're doing better tonight. I wanted to tell you that I too have had bouts with anxiety attacks, not from seeing OM, because unfortunately I see him everyday at work. My attacks will strike at the most embarassing times. We were out one evening with my H's family celebrating a birthday. A thought of the OM popped into my head for some reason and I lost it right there. I felt like I couldn't breathe and will start crying uncontrollably. If you're not taking medication now you may want to check with your doctor about Paxil. I take the 40 milligrams which seems to be helping. Maybe this would help you over the hump anyway. I'm thinking about you!

Lisa...thanks for your concern! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I'm doing somewhat better today. I'm using Celexa 30mg chronically for almost a year now. It definately keeps the Obsessive-Compulsive-Disorder with associated depression under control and normally it also helps for the anxiety, but during the past few weeks the anxiety definately became more severe again. Me an my H's current circumstances is definately a big factor (his job situation and my circumstances at work). This is a difficult and emotional time right now so I really think this feelings is normal and will pass again! . I don't experience anxiety attacks out of the blue (thanks for that!), but I just experience the anxiety in a major degree when I feel stressed. However, I must get a follow-up prescription from my psychiatrist somewhere next month, so I will just discuss this with him to make sure if I'm still on the right track with my current medication. A while back I've discovered intersting information on the web regarding the effect of childhood abuse on the physical response of adult womans' stress hormone, so after I have read that article, I understand why my current medication is keeping everything under control but not really helping for the anxiety-deviation.

Have a nice day!
Suzet

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 03:40 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>