Recap: Me WW, him BH.

So H has had this thing in his head ever since DDay that he needs something that's just HIS that I'm not involved in. This is why when he got promoted, I wasn't allowed at the ceremony.

This was a HUGE deal for me, because while he was cheating on me when we were dating the OW or girl I should say, went to his basic training graduation instead of me.

Anyway, today H went to play basketball. I thought it was just a practice so didn't say much about it. When he got home he was all excited telling me how it was like a huge highschool game, they got jerseys, etc, etc. I said oh I should've gone!!! And he said, "No, this was a work thing" I still didn't get it, so I asked if no spectators were allowed, he said no and proceeded to list other wives and girlfriends that were there. I said "oh so this is just one of those things you don't WANT me at" and he said yes.

He continued his story all enthusiastic. I got fed up, but said nicely "baby, if I'm not wanted to come and support, I don't think I want to hear the details." I know this was probably LBing big time but I couldn't help it.

I want to work this out so bad with my H, but this hurts me deeply.

I know that by having a second life with my friends the A thrived. I can't stand to watch him forming a second life away from me.

He says he wants to work it out with me, but I feel like I'm doing the working and he's doing the sabatoging sometimes.

I'm getting bitter, you all need to set me straight. I want more than anything to be there to support him through EVERYTHING and he won't let me. His attitude on having a second life without me is making me tempted to LB big time. Shining his boots for him is work related, so is ironing and starching his BDU's, driving his coworkers around is work related. So i shouldn't have to do ANY of that according to his work second life. I know I CANT throw those things at him, that it won't be helpful, but he's not being very helpful at ALL.

Please I need your help. I know there will be those of you that want to blast me, and I welcome you to it. I'm very hurt over this. I know I can't get him to change his mind, but please help me to handle it better.

Okay 2 X 4 time.......

You done with the pity party? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What he wants is not a second life he wants some form of punishment. He may not be aware of it as that. But think about it what was the toughest thing a parent could do? Ground you. Make you not be able to go outside and play when other kids were right outside in the street. Make you stay at home when all the gang was going to the big game.

Second thing. This also might be a pride thing. He might not be ready for his friends to see he has taken you back. He may want to appear in charge or like he is calling the shots and you will get out of "detention" when he says you will.

Don't try and see logic in his actions. Or as Dr. Phil says "don't try to make sense out of non-sense".

It's been just a short time since discovery. Be patient and let the process happen.

Appreciate the fact he is still with you. Appreciate the fact that he wants to share feelings with you even as he tries to exclude you from being there.

Its going to be okay if you just be patient. If you give him the chance to grieve over what happened and the love/strength he needs to move on.

It is most likely that he doesn't want a separate life from you at all, but is trying to make himself feel a measure of independence(safety)from you, because of the hurt and betrayal he feels.

He may think if he has an exciting life that doesn't include you, it will make him seem more desirable to you. He may be hoping you will, in your new insecurity, cling to him. He feels safer in the relationship when you are in pursuit of him.

In a sense, he is partially right in wanting you to see that he can have a life without you, but to overdo the distancing when you are already repentant is dangerous to the relationship.

Can you look beyond these hurtful actions and see into his heart, that he really wants nothing more than to be desired and wanted and cherished by his wife, and in his attempt to be secure, he is making you feel "on the outside"? (There can be an unconscious element of revenge to his actions also, but this should diminish as he recovers.)

Either way, if you continue to do all you can to make him feel loved and secure, I think these coping mechanisms will fade away as his pain level decreases over the long haul.

He may actually be sadly pleased by your discomfort--in his mind it proves that you care about him. Your discomfort may help him feel a bit more secure.

I think you should tell him how you feel, but not add any anger to the equation, that you understand his needs but you feel sad and lonely as a result of his actions. Don't try to force him to change tactics, but woo him in that direction by your love.

Of course, your fear is that he may be susceptible to an affair himself if he is spending lots of time apart from you, and you are right to be concerned. But the way to deal with this is honesty...tell him of your love and your fears. Don't get into playing the game with him by pretending that you are not affected by his distance, because that is dishonest, and only adds another layer to the problems of communication.

The fact that he comes home all excited means in his heart he wanted you there. He wants you to love and admire him. You are the one he wants to impress and to share his life with. Be patient with him, sweetie.

Have you been reading about POJA and other basic concepts here on mb? Is he open to reading also?

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: realitychkd chick ]</small>

See, this is why I need all you guys, to smack me back to reality, lol.

I never looked it at the way you both explained it. Thank you! I was blinded by my pity party.

I will do just as you say and be patient, not one of my fortays I'll admit.

I guess most of my frustration and impatience just comes from my H's "decide not to decide" mindset. So RRC to answer your question, no he's not willing to read about MB with me, or any other books or exercises, he's going to his one session of MC as required by the Army and then not.

So in essence he's not decided whether or not he's going to try to make it work or file for D. I know now I have to respect this decision and BE PATIENT.

It is hard for ME to share MY feelings with him because he very much takes the standpoint what I feel or what I want doesn't matter, he's said this in so many words. I will just be patient and when he wants to talk and seems open, I will talk.

Thank you both for your wonderful advice!!!!!

As a military wife and a BS I think I can add some insight to this situation.

I had a very similar reaction to my H's A. I wanted to pull away from him to show him that I didn't need him.....all the while I wanted him to need me.

Obviously your husband has deep love for you because he's still with you. Give him some time and I promise you this stage will wear off. Continue to be supportive and loving to your husband.

Show him that you love him with every step you make during your time with him.

Show him that you are sorry for the pain you have caused him and that you'll spend the rest of your life showing him the love and respect he deserves.

The fact that you had an A has, no doubt, made him feel like less of a man. As a BS I can tell you that we question who we are and how we were so blind to not give our WS's what they needed. I struggle with that and it's a terrible feeling.

What if you picked up a basketball one afternoon when you do not have the kids (if you have any) and there's nothing on your plate for the next hour or so...and ask him if he wants to go shoot some hoops. You may suck at b-ball....but that will be even better. Let him teach you. Be playful and fun. Compliment him on his "mad b-ball skills". Show some interest in what he's doing.

You can't do this if you are arguing or have had a bad day. Do it when things are lax around the house.

He may not be up for it the first time you ask...but eventually he will come around and you will make HUGE love deposits in his love bank.

Good luck. I know it's tough being a military wife. I've done it for the last 10 years. The unit we just left had a 75% divorce rate in the first 3 years. We beat the odds only to suffer an A as we were leaving that unit to go to a non-deployable unit (only 4 months after he returned from Iraq). That's the thanks I get after spending 10 years practically alone, raising 2 children, going to college, graduating and working full time.

Hang in there. I see light at the end of your tunnel.