Hello! So happy to have found another military wife.

I can relate to your station with 75% divorce rate. Here on Okinawa it's a HUGE problem, mostly because of infidelity in the wives, I HATE that I'm part of that statistic in some way.

I know of one couple in all that haven't either had an infidelity in their marriage or are swingers.

This is my second duty station as a mil wife and I'm absolutely ashamed and disgusted to admit that we had not been married even a year before I did this. We dated 3 before we got married, but I am only 19 and he's 20. We're babies.

He has a gang of people telling him that he's young, he will bounce back, and should leave me. I know he has a very deep love for me to still be with me, this gives me hope.

I will never complain about military life. Though it can be hard, I generally love it. I love seeing the world, even if being away from family isn't ideal. I love fixing up new homes all the time, and mostly I love the cause my husband is fighting for.

I really feel for you. I am happy to say that my husband is nondeployable and will never have to go to war. While his MOS requires him to work 14-15 hour days, I still thank God everyday that I will always have him near and safe. You are a stronger woman than I.

We do not have any children, I know for us right now that is best, especially with us dealing with the A. I will be sure to try out your basketball advice! That sounds like a lot of fun to me!

Anyway just wanted to connect a little bit. I know it must have taken a lot being the BS to respond to my post with such care and respect. Thank you! And I'm so sorry you have to be here and go through this.

MilWifeFW -

I'm glad you posted this. It lightens my spirit to know that I have found a another military wife.

I'm glad you came to this site for support. You will find a lot of that here. Because you are the WS indicates that you are here because you love your H. I'm glad you decided to come here for help and I hope that you will stay and offer assistance to others that come here. It is rare that a WS will work up the nerve to post here for help. You did the right thing.

Like you I am very proud of the cause my H fights for. I will say that this country overlooks the families left behind. The news media is a total nightmare for those that have loved ones fighting. During the initial phases of the war were highly publicized and my H's unit did not give us updates on where they were or what they were doing. We had to stare at the television day and night praying that we caught a glimpse of our H's. In some cases, as with the dead bodies, we prayed that we would not see them. One broadcast showed the body of a soldier that was very similar to my H. I received countless phone calls from other wives and family members asking me if I saw the news that afternoon. I knew exactly what they were talking about. I can talk about it now because I know it wasn't him but I also lose sleep over the thought that someone's family saw their loved one's body on the news that night.

A movie has already been made about one of the missions my husband went on recently. That movie ripped out my soul. The thought of the things he's done and seen is very upsetting. I know he has trouble dealing with these things as well.

Enough of that, I want to talk about you.

I'm glad you are open to playing basketball with your H. I think this will be a big help in reconnecting to you. Just don't push him. If he is not up for it at first just keep trying. Show him that you care and are deeply sorry for your actions. Show him love and understanding.

He will come around. He loves you because he's still with you.

Forget about his friends. Let them throw stones all they want if that is what they are doing. God forgives and if you are sorry for what you have done and have expressed that to your husband you have no reason to hang your head in shame. I would bet that those same friends that have told him to leave you have some bones in their closets and are in no place to judge you.

If you in there you will prove to them and to the world that you are worthy of your H's love and that he is a lucky man to have such a caring wife.

I was also married at 19. My H and I were high school sweethearts. We had our first child within a year of being married. Our second child was born 2 years ago. Both girls and both very much daddy's girls. The odds are against both of our marriages. Both married young and both military families. I felt like I had 2 strikes against me going into the marriage. I'm sure you feel the same way.

We can beat those odds. We can turn those numbers around one couple at a time. I want you to share your experience with other military couples if you feel comfortable. Who knows maybe you can turn this situation around by witnessing to other couples and help keep them together.

If you love your H you will get through this. It won't be easy but you can do it.

Good luck and I look forward to getting to know you better.

Hero - (because you're a hero too in my book)

I'm so sorry about all you've been through. I agree that the media is HORRIBLE. I can't imagine... I ALWAYS feel for the families that have loved ones overe there when I see that horrible coverage on the news. Who is that supposed to HELP? I can't imagine. What happened to the media being about reporting the facts and only the facts. Facts need not include dead bodies.. haarumph.
I felt like I had 2 strikes against me going into the marriage. I'm sure you feel the same way.
VERY much so..

As far as his friends go, I'm trying to be strong in myself, it is hard sometimes. I yearn for understanding. Not to justify my actions, or as an excuse, but just so I feel I have somewhere to turn, and kick me in the butt if needed =)

I see now that I may not, ok, I wasn't, ready to get married. Me and my H's problems started when we got to this station, I wasn't cleaning or being a good wife at all, this made him withdrawal and stop meeting my ENs, I withdrew and did the same, thus A. It literally might have been prevented if I had just done more laundry and dishes, how sad.

Your post has touched me DEEPLY. It's so freeing to see that someone else has been in my situation. Even now, the youngest person I know is 25. No one I know was married before 21, and here's me, married at 18. 19 now, I'm considered very much a baby and probably am, but I carry resentment that people didn't give me more credit than they did for what I was DOING at 18-19. Now I don't deserve that credit.. ironic.

We can beat those odds. We can turn those numbers around one couple at a time. I want you to share your experience with other military couples if you feel comfortable. Who knows maybe you can turn this situation around by witnessing to other couples and help keep them together.

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I take them to heart. I know we can beat the odds and be better than ever!

Would it be out of line to give you my email address? I think we could learn some from each other being on opposite ends of the A spectrum if you will. I would also love to have someone to chat with about military life. My friends here have either shyed away because of my scarlet A or their husbands won't let them talk to me. I know this will change, but for right now just lookin for some general chit chat! =)

I just want to thank you again for being so open to me even though I am a WS. The kind people of this world never cease to amaze me!

On an ending note, yes, I love my H VERY much, I think more so now than EVER before. or at least at a different level. I know together we'll make it great!!!

I look forward to hearing from you soon!

MilWife -

I would be more than happy to provide you with my email address. If you feel comfortable posting your email address here please do so and I will email you.

I am glad to know that my words have brought you some comfort. I hope that we can help each other through all of this and relate to each other on another level.

While we are on the opposite side of the A we are both military wives. I wish I had someone to turn to when I was first introduced to the military life.

At 19 I was terrified to be away from home and faced with a house to take care of and a husband that was never home...and a baby to soon follow.

After a few years of being absolutely miserable and lonely I picked my butt up and stopped feeling sorry for myself. I went back to college. I worked part time and went to school full time. Mind you, my H was always deployed on training missions (about 9 months out of the year). I graduated and got a great job making really good money. I did so good in school I was recently selected as one of the most successful students to ever graduate from that college. In a few months I will be featured on a billboard for their new Ad campaign.

I can't say that I would be as successful as I am now without the support of my H. I think my success may have had an impact on our relationship. I put my family first always but I was obviously missing meeting some of my H's needs.

All that said....I hope that you are working to better yourself. While you focus on your marriage also focus on yourself. If there are areas of your life that need attention do something about it. If you are not in church and you believe in God, find a church. Try several until you find the one you feel comfortable. If you want to go to college, get your behind in college. You can get grants and loans to cover the expenses. If your H is gone all the time you need to take this time to better yourself. Keep in mind you need to make him your primary focus while you are together.

OK, I've rattled on enough.

I'll be thinking of you.

MilWife:
Cleaning the house does not equate with being a good wife! We are in the 21st century now! If my H2B blamed me not cleaning for him not meeting my ENs i would seriously doubt if i was getting the respect i deserve.

I am 20, also no children, and I am far too young to dedicate my life to housework! Yes, i look after my man, but he cooks for me and does my washing as often as i do it for him.

You are not too young to be married: you are an adult and mature enough to make your own decisions regarding your life. What you are too young for is to be expected to be a housewife, with nothing in your life but the hoover and the kitchen sink.

Go to college! Achieve mental and financial independence! Work on your marriage: bring the romance back. Dedicate time to him rather than time to dusting!

Sending lots of love to you both. x

ks2001 - I see where you are coming from, this is what I thought prior to the A, how can cleaning that house mean that much?

I've come to learn though that coming home after a 14-15 hour, it is VERY important for his house to be clean, and his dinner to made.

This is how his ENs are filled. Affection in the form of touching, hugging, etc. is not a priority to him. He feels that if I care about him, care that he goes off to work to give me a good life, then I will WANT to give him his house, clean, for him to relax in.

I see his point now.

I definately do dedicate much much time to him, but when he's gone those long hours with me NOT going to school or working (not by my own choice BTW) the least I can do is take care of the house.

Oh and I strongly dislike the term "housewife". I'm not married to my house, I'm married to my H =)~

I guess this is just a difference in perspective. My husband has indicated to me that me giving him a clean house and dinner on the table is his main EN right now, and makes him feel my love and respect for him, so I will obide, happily in fact. I just wish I would've connected the two sooner!

Thanks for your post and your opinion though! I really appreciate it!!!

Can you clarify why you arent at work or college?
What do you do to pass the time?
What does he do/say when you dont cook for him or leave the house clean?

I understand that we are probably looking at this from completely different planets, Im just concerned that you get respect and a degree of freedom within your marriage.

Glad you werent offended, I can be a little blunt sometimes!

Sending my love

Can you clarify why you arent at work or college?
What do you do to pass the time?
What does he do/say when you dont cook for him or leave the house clean?

My lack of job is purely just because of lack of available jobs and education. TRUST me I've tried. I wish I could count the amount of applications I've put in and the number of interviews I've had. I am starting child care now. Caring for an infant full time in someones home. That will be something

College was something I put off. Now I don't think it would be best, or that hubby would approve of, me going to classes. I am looking into doing some online, I just wonder if I am self-driven enough for that.

What I do to pass time is an interesting question. Well now I clean. I sit around, watch tv, get on here. Generally I'm a lazy bum. It's getting harder and harder to clean for the full 14 hours he's gone. 1 theres not that much to do everyday and 2 my depression has me in this sleeping funk.

When I don't clean, have dinner ready, he usually doesn't say much. Sometimes he doesn't talk to me at all, sometimes he just makes sure his anger in known in the tone of his voice. If I don't clean on a regular basis, he will hold this in until he explodes and we have one of our long talks about me not showing my committment or changing.

Right now, not even a month since my A came ALL the way out, I don't think I'm expecting a huge degree of respect. I have faith that it will come though.

You didn't offend at all! Keep the posts coming!!!
Take care!

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I can relate to your station with 75% divorce rate. Here on Okinawa it's a HUGE problem, mostly because of infidelity in the wives, I HATE that I'm part of that statistic in some way.
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Is that number accurate? Geesh that is a very sad number indeed.

Mil you want to make a difference how about a woman's auxillary group or some time of women's support group that allows the wives to have some kind of safe same gender activity to take care of some of the boredom.

Maybe some type of volunteer candy stripe job at the local hospital....anything besides staying board and depressed.

If nothing else start reading on a subject you might think you would want to pursue in college one day.

SDFR - hello again! Yes it really is that bad here. What happens is the marines are only sent here on unaccompanied tours. This means even if they DO have families, they can't bring them. Army on the other hand lets you bring your family no matter what (with the exception of if a family member has a chronicheath issue that can't be addressed with the medical facilities here)

So with about 6000 at least military personnel on this small island, the american, female population probaby account for about 5%. Young american women are a huge target here because we're just that, young american, and women. Unfortunately, many many many wives get caught up by all the attention.

your post has opened a new can of worms for me, I know this off topic, but especially now (after the A and the R) I can't go ANYWHERE without feeling like I'm looked at as a piece of meat. But I felt this way from the beginning. Because of the loneliness of these guys, they'll do anything to find a woman to.. well just to have sex with.

Thanks for your concern stunned-dad.. I have a babysitting job I'll be starting soon. It is full time, 7-5, and will take much of time.

There is already a womens club in place here, its the under 30 club. I have participated once, but it's more the between 25-30 club, haha.

As for my time, I've been reading A LOT. On a variety of subjects. Psychology, affairs, sexual abuse, and I have some fiction thrown in there with Danielle Steel, Dean Koontz, James Patterson. I can't seem to get my eyes to STOP reading things these days. =) It helps A LOT.

The lady I babysit for works for the college on base. It's university of maryland university college. While they have actual classes on base, I'm going to work with her to start some online distance learning classes that I can work on while the baby naps, at night, etc.

Things are turning around for me! Thanks again!

Mil

Good luck. You seem to have a tremendous amount of self awareness that belies your young age.

I think if you can tackle the academic side you would do quite well as a therapist.

MIL and Heros -
I can undrestand some to what you are talking about. My husband is a 9/11 survivor and was pulled out of the rubble after the first tower came down. Watching it on TV, live, and knowing he was there keeps flasing back to me. Your husbands are fighting for us for what happened that day. Thank you.
DH also complined that the house was not clean enough, I told him it was a symtom of our problems and the condition of our home reflected the condition of our marriage.
Alot of this is just visible excuses to poke at so not to face the truth.
It is hard to be strong.
Do you guys have any formal support groups for wifes (spouces) of those serving?
I can only find support groups for wives (or husbands) of those that died that day. There were not many that were injured - either you died or were ok. I do not fit the rescue worker family profile either.
It is a tough path we are on. Know that you are not alone.

Anotherone -

Our old unit had a support group. I played a big role in that group for many years. Now that we are gone I do not have access to that type of support. Of course here I do not need it as he will never go to war with this unit. The only support I need is for the A he had with his boss.

I would recommend that you go online and look for a support group for those injured on 9/11. I would venture to say there are several out there. I assume what you and your H are going through is some form of PTSD.

I wish you luck and I will be pryaing for you.

Hi there <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Another military wife here (USAF). 9 months or so since Dday, with a co-worker *gasp* (smell the sarcasm?). I was also married young (me 18, him 22). I'm also a SAHM. We're stationed stateside and he was home all through the war, but is going on a 2 month TDY this summer. I'm uneasy about it. Oh, OW was up from another base on a TDY to help out during the war...apparently she got lonely...

Anyways, just wanted to jump in before I forgot and say HELLO! I'm so sleepy I'm practically typing with my eyes shut, so if I seem incoherent, please forgive me!

<small>[ February 29, 2004, 11:09 PM: Message edited by: Wondrme ]</small>

Wondr -

So what did you do when you found out? Did you expose the A?