I posted this over in Plan A/Plan B but was hoping to get some fresh thoughts...

My husband and I have been married for only one year but have been together for eight years prior. We have no children. I found out at the end of Jan that H was having a EA with girl at work.

I tried plan A, while he was trying to "decide" what he wanted to do. One day he wanted to work things out, the next he would tell me can't give the OW up. He lived with me but saw her after work at night. Says he loves her and me also. He is guilt ridden and very sorry he has done this to me. Yesterday he decided that it was no longer fair to live with me while still seeing her. He cannot give her up so he has decided to move in with her. He is leaving at the end of the week.

My question is this: Does this mean I automatically move to Plan B. The fact is, he will have very little reason to talk to me or see me as we have no children. I only anticipate discussing financial matters. Any suggestions on how to act once he leaves? Should I avoid all contact (Plan B) or should I try to continue Plan A? I really think it will seem like I am chasing him if I try to continue Plan A but I am afraid that Plan B will bring him and the OW closer together.

FYI - I think I have done a good Plan A but I have not been able to do it for very long...only just over 3 weeks. Before the EA our marriage was a good marriage - not a bad one. We get along, enjoy each other, etc. I told WH about no contact, he did not know how he felt about it. I asked him if he still wanted to spend time together and talk but he said he wants to but is not sure if that would only make things harder on me. I know that Plan B is no contact, but what if he tries to reach out to me...I mean the OW had no qualms about talking to my husband when he was with me...why should I stay away from him while they are together? Should I try to be his friend? Any thoughts?

Yes, it is time for Plan B. If you continue to Plan A while he is living with OW, then he is a cake-eater. He has to find out what life without you will be like. If your self-esteem has taken a hit, remember that he did marry you. He fell in love with you and those feelings are still there.

Plan B is the time for WS to see what life with OW will be like. I don't know about you, but I just assumed OW was perfect. Ummm...news flash... no one is perfect. Yeah, life may be grand for a month, but they will start to see who they are really with. WS will discover that everyone has their flaws.

This path is so difficult for the BS because you don't have the benefit of hindsight, but the OW will LB. Everyone does. But if you appear to be the woman who only wants what is best for her H, WS will start to see you in a better light. After all, if you are not talking to him, you can't LB.

Unfortunately, this is a time where you just have to trust and pray. So so hard! Do you have a support group around you? Are you going to IC?

shocked...

No plan A is about negotiating the end of an affair...Not plan B

has this all been exposed to family members...
geepers with you all being pretty much newlyweds...I would think people would be rather surprized to hear...

Anyways...back to the plans...
Plan B is only when you have emptied your own love bank for him that you are hanging on to strands of it only...and you move to a protection mode... I doubt you are there yet...

The thing is that once he moves out...and SHE becomes responsible for meeting the majority on needs and chores...your position on their sick little triange shifts...and you become much more interesting to them ...

In fact you will be more appealing...because suddenly you are the "free agent"...especially to him....


This being said....I by no means recomend you go to him...no chasing him...none of that..
and I think that you will find that it is he begins seeking you out...

we sooo want to believe that the grass is always greener on the other side...but it depends often on by whose tears it has been watered...

what I suggest is that you continue to be in plan A..that you be pleasant and happy to hear from him when he contacts you ...continue to verbalize concerns about him in ways that surprize him and confuse him and show concern...

tell him you hope he is sleeping well
tell him you hope he is eating well...etc...

Also has he verbalized to you any specific things that he feels lead to his affair...
did you accuse of anything...
are there things about yourself that you want to change for the better in the relationship you two have...

at the same time it is time for some of the divorce busting 180's

here is marvelous post from space-case on divorce busting and 180's


Compilation of Do's and Dont's, 180's, etc.
MANDATORY DO'S WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING / MARRIAGE BUILDING
1. Be patient. Time is an asset even when it seems to be killing you.
2. Listen carefully to what your spouse is REALLY saying to you.
3. Learn quickly that anger is your enemy
4. Learn quickly to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out.
5. Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh, and focus on all the other chances in your life that are not in turmoil.
6. Be cool, strong, confident and speak softly.
7. Know that if you can do a 180, your smallest consistent actions will be noticed much more than ANY words you can say or write.
8. Read as much as you can on this subject

MANDATORY DON'T's WHEN DIVORCE BUSTING / MARRIAGE BUILDING
1. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more then ever in your whole life and are desperate and needy.
2. Do not focus on your self when communicating with your spouse.
3. Do not believe any of what you hear and less then 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and they are scared.
4. Do not fall into the "green eggs and ham" trap. (See Dr. Seuss for clarity)
5. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
6. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

MANDATORY DONT'S
-Don’t initiate any relationship (R) talk, stop being so available, give them lots of time and space, stop expressing your interest so dramatically, establish independence again with style not in an angry or dramatic way, don’t try to get in their head, if confronted with rejection don’t take it personally, take the body blows smiling, Workout, diet, get new clothes, haircut, and be happy when they see you...

“I have reflected on some of the things that got results from my H in this situation and here they are:

1. When he called me, I ended the conversation first.
2. When he came around I would ensure that the house smelled really good and I looked casual but well groomed. Spoke much softer than normal.
3. I definitely 'acted as if' my life was full and moving forward without him.
4. Did not give him as much eye contact as he likes. But when I did look in his eyes I did it flirtatiously.
5. Slowed my body language down - more controlled and no touchy, feely. Kept out of his space. Definitely no emotional outburst or tears. “Oh no, not the tears again, I am out of here”.
6. Never requested any assistance from him in anything. Caused him to offer.
7. When he expected me to do something, I would do the opposite. That got his attention.
8. Held back when he wanted a cuddle or any form of affection. Let him kiss my cheek instead of my lips.
9. Refused to see him when requested, let him pursue before I gave in, maybe three requests for one sighting of me.
10. Posted his mail instead of handing it to him or calling him. He always asks why not call and I will pick it up.

1. For walk-aways you must understand the actions and behaviors that created the climate for the flight.
2. You have not only to change those behaviors but actually live them.
3. You can only control your actions
4. You cannot control the situation you are in but you can control how you react in it.
5 Anything you do or say through the process is remembered. NEVER SPEAK IN ANGER!!!
6. Become the man or woman your spouse would never think of leaving. The man or woman that all their friends and support group would in times of crisis drive him/her back to you.
7. Listen and observe to every last detail from your H or W.
8. IF you are ever unsure how to act DONT.
9. When things don’t seem to be going well redefine your short term goals.
10. Live in positive times, keep positive filters on.
11. Accept that it takes time.
12. Accept that no matter what the outcome YOU are a good person and you have done your best. At the end of the day we must live with ourselves.

MY suggestions:
Don't PUSH your Hs into therapy w you!
DON"T insist on talks about your relationship.
Don't pry and become obsessed with EAs or OW.
WORK ON YOURSELF!
Actions speak louder than words. Change YOUR behavior and attitudes NOW! The only person you have ANY control over in this world is YOU!!!!
Men HATE relationships talks and if they resist therapy, go by yourself!
DON"T PURSUE YOUR H...lovingly DISTANCE!

Here is more on 180: I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com
I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes
their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.

hope this helps...post as much as you need to..
I know it hurts....

ARK

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Thanks for the reply. Plan B will be so hard. I cannot imagine my life without him...

I started MB counseling a week ago. Due to financial limitations I am only able to schedule one session a month, which leaves me with lots of questions in the in-between time. Unfortunately my family and friends all live out of state. It leaves me very lonely here. The only person I have here is my H. So far friends have been taking turns coming to visit me and I get many calls a day just to check in on me. That helps. I really want to move home but I can't leave my job (especially if I go to Plan B and need to support myself financially).

Thanks for the support.

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: shockednhurt ]</small>

Whew...now I am really confused. I have received some advice for moving to Plan B and others for Plan A and 180s. Does anyone else have any suggestions on where I should be?

FYI - Some friends know about the EA. Family is still in the dark but know that something is seriously wrong. Plans to tell them this weekend (I guess after he has moved out). Regarding ARK's question "has he verbalized to you any specific things that he feels lead to his affair...
did you accuse of anything..." The answer is that he was spending very little time at home and all of his time at work (where he met her). He was spending more time with her and felt a connection with her (they understand each other). He was feeling dissatisfied with his career and looked to her for advice. Other than that, he says I am the ideal wife.

shockednhurt,

I lurk far more than I post, but your story reminded me much of my own... H had EA with co-worker, we had been married 3 years but together 10, no kids, the usual “loved me but in love with her”. D-day was 12/02, NC since 03/03 and H quit job to maintain NC. Recovery has been a lot of hard work for both of us, but we’re in a much better place now than ever – we’re in love with each other and happy.

Should you continue in Plan A or go to Plan B? I went back and re-read the Q&A column on the main page, What are Plan A and Plan B? , and would suggest you do the same. I don't think it's time for Plan B yet, unless you are unable to Plan A anymore (i.e. cannot control love busters). Harley's response mentions the cake-eating that the WS can engage in while you are in Plan A - that's why there is Plan B if it goes on for too long.

Excuse me if I just missed this in your posts, but what about counseling? Have you considered the Harleys (even if just for you to get a GOOD plan)?

Chickadee

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 03:17 PM: Message edited by: Chickadee ]</small>

Plan B is not a knee jerk reaction to someone moving out on you...

Plan B is to follow a really strong Plan A..in which you attempt to meet needs. create a safe and warm environment in which issues can be addressed and dealt with...and establish safe boundaries for you...

INFACT plan B in theory is exactly what he expects and she OP probably desires...

do the opposite be pleasant...emtionally in control...what they are expecting is pleading and begging...
what they are expecting is angry door slamming and FINE GO BE WITH HER THEN AND DON'T COME BACK!!

Give the opposite...
let their reality...the falseness of what it is based on stare them in the eye...and in the mirror...

I would consider exposing the affair at work...Is he planning on telling co-workers that mr. married man now lives with her...
does the company have policies on such nice behavior...

ark,

Thanks for the advice.

Chickadee - I started MB counseling with the Harley's a week ago. Due to financial limitations I am only able to schedule one session a month, which leaves me with lots of questions in the in-between time.

ARK - They have a plan for telling co-workers. It infuriates me that they "have a plan." First telling close co-workers and then letting it spread through the grapevine to others. They have no intention of keeping this secret from anyone. He feels guilt and shame that it happened this way but they want to begin their life together. It should not pose a problem at work as they do not work on the same projects.

I think it's great that you're already counseling with the Harleys. Did WH announce that he was leaving sometime after your last session? If so, is there any way that you could swing another session in the next few days? I do understand the expense part, but I'm thinking that some professional guidance could be invaluable at this point. What do you think?

Ark mentioned exposing the A at work, and you say that WH and OW "have a plan" (ugghh! I'm disgusted - my thoughts are with you). Exposing the A so as to introduce conflict into the A goes along with Plan A. How much difference will it make if they reveal if vs. you exposing it first? I'm not sure that's what you should do, I'm just thinking aloud. Hoping some old timers will jump in here soon.

((((((shockednhurt)))))

Chickadee
P.S. Thanks for adding your signature line.

Shocked,

I am in a similar situation as you. My wife left me for the OM so as not to cause me more pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I am following my own plan that is very similar to the one ark has outlined. Plan B is not for me as my love bank is not near empty and I have moved past being an emotional basket case. (You know, the strong silent type! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> )

A few examples.

I do not call her unless absolutely necessary as in an emergency involving the kids.

I send her very matter of fact e-mails. No 'Dear' at the beginning no 'Love' at the end.

I do not ask her about her day, week or the latest outing she went on.

I think you get the idea.

You see, I still love my wife very much. I want her back as my wife. But, she left me to be with OM. All signs point to her divorcing me to be with the OM. That is what the data shows. (Thanks JL for that insight.) So I must protect myself while holding open the door in the event she changes her mind.

I want her back as my loving wife. I do not want her as an enemy. I think this plan is the best I can do under the circumstances.

Give it some thought.

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 06:53 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lbc:
<strong> Plan B is the time for WS to see what life with OW will be like. I don't know about you, but I just assumed OW was perfect. Ummm...news flash... no one is perfect. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hey! Wait one cotton pickin minute. According to my WW, the OM is the 'PERFECT' lover. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I feel better knowing she gave me up for perfection. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Obviously you are wrong. Please correct this defect in yourself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 24, 2004, 07:39 PM: Message edited by: JustinExplorer ]</small>