I am new to the board and have tried to read some of the posts. I hope I have posted in the correct setion. Hubby and I have been married over 30 years when I discovered he was having an affair. I met him with anger and judgement. he in turn dealt with his guilt by responding in anger...we tried councelling but found out that he continued to see the OW but has never moved in with her but denied it in councelling..he decided to leave the home for a trial separation and then when one day in councelling made a statement that he wanted to wanted to see other woman and me other men to help him decide what he wanted...it was then that I told him I would not agree and that divorce was the only answer...I refused to talk or email him only when I needed answers regarding the household and bills...he became resentful that I was not letting him have his cake and eat it too...to make a long story short..I got my life on track and showed him I could make it easily without him and just returned from a vacation south with three of my girlfriends...he called me after the first week stating he missed me and loved me...wanted to talk when I returned...I stated the other woman had to be gone from his life...she has been gone now over a week and now when we have conversations it is without anger as I have learned not to judge and he in turn responds positively...we are talking about reconciling and are taking it slow...supper together...a movie etc..I want to be sure this other woman is gone completely...I am again looking for a councellor but have found the one we tried was not helpful..we have both agreed to try councelling again...he wants to return home and take a trip south together but I want first to be sure he is truly commited ...he does seem to have changed with our time apart...we have been separated for five months and during that time I let him do his thing...I feel time was the key for us and I suspect his relationship with OW has run it's course...he has stated he now realizes it would not have worked out..we have a long history together with many common interests and goals and suspect that was lacking in relationship with OW..as we all know trust is a big factor here and was wondering if anyone could offer advice in similiar circumstances

He is going to have to restore your trust through actions and time.

That is how you know he is sincere.

Go to the home page and click on the section about His Needs and Her Needs and it will help you find out what was missing and what can be improved to affair proof your marriage.

Good luck....and welcome....though like all of us you would drather not be here...gang is great cyber coffee is great but the atmosphere sucks sometimes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Its in the way that he treats you, not picking fights to try and justify the affair. Believe me you will know just by the attitude and the way he looks at you. been there and done that.Sounds like you are on track. good luck.

Number one priority is a NC letter from him to OW. It is critical. It should be written by him, saying he loves you and wants to work on his marriage. He will have NC with her. If she tries to contact him, he will let you know.

Then you can approve letter and both go to send it.

Thanks for your responses..sorry I am unaware of what a NC letter is...could you please explain and is there an example of one someowhere on this forum?...he still wants to protect this woman...is this a normal reaction?

NewOutlook,

The no contact letter is an ESSENTIAL first step in recovery. It is a demonstration of his switch of allegiance TO YOU and from the OW. If he is sincere about his committment to his marriage, then he will demonstrate his allegiance to YOU.

Please do not skip this essential step because it goes a long way in restoring trust. If he won't send this letter, then he is NOT SINCERE about recommitting to his marriage. [samples below]

I would also recommend getting into counseling with the Harleys and reading his book, Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Harley is very effective counselor that can often achieve in a few sessions what other counselors can never acheive.

No contact letters: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=018918

conditions of return for a WS: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=024255#000006

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks ML for your reply and explanation...I just returned from my husband's abode and discussed the NC letter...he stated that he already covered all the issues in the letter when he broke up with her two weeks ago and that she was devasted along with having to deal with other problems in her life...as I stated previously she has many issues with her children...he stated he had not had any contact with her for two weeks and wanted to keep it that way

New Outlook,
I think you are really smart in clearing up some of these issues before he moves home.

The affair ending/staying ended is a primary concern.

The words your H has spoken about that he already has no contact with her and he doesn't want to send the letter because of that may be the truth, but it may not.

The red flag there is that you asked him to do it and he said no. The no contact letter isn't particularly for his benefit that he's "already covered all the issues", it is to show you his sincerity and to re-inforce his words to the OW that it is truly over.

His point is valid that actual no contact may be better than the letter, but it will take a long time for him to demonstrate to you that he isn't seeing her on the sly. The no contact is a written statement of his intent.

In my situation my H sent the NC letter, the OW immediately replied by email and the affair did not end at that time, so I don't have the confidence in the NC letter that some do, though I still think it is a good step to take. It is an marriage building effort.

Worst case scenario, sending the NC letter, even if insincerely in an ongoing A should at the very least alert the OW that the affair is not all she believes.

You really only have his word for it that the A is over...and he's already proved in the counselor's office that he is more than capable of lying and denying it. How much has he demonstrated behavior changes since then?

If he isn't willing to do the no contact letter, what is he willing to do to earn your trust back?

I'd suggest:
-he gives you all email & voice mail passwords to all his accounts.
-he shows you an itemized cell phone bill (sure, he can still use his office or pay phones)
-he is accountable for his time--and this IS before moving home.
-the 2 of you date
-he calls to say goodnight

If his behavior is trustworthy, you won't have as much of a trust issue, some levels of trust will creep back. If you have to constantly wonder where he is, why he isn't where he says he is...then there is no reason to trust him.

My H & I are 3 1/2 years into recovery after 2+ very bad years & separations. His behavior was such that trust has grown and being together is good.

Thanks for your response Lor...I think after thirty years of marriage we know our husbands the way other folks do not...I have had loads of advice on what folks think how I should handle some situations but knowing my husband well and how he reascts to things I supect to force him to do anything would just push him away...H has always been a kind compasionate man and the OW has big problems in her life right now...he told me this evening that he has had no contact with her...I guess my proof is he always answers the phone now when I call and he calls me more often then when he was seeing her...I also had to call before seeing him at his residence but now have been told I can come down anytime...I think he needs time to withdraw from the feelings he had for this other woman and this is what he is attempting...he has days that he tells me he misses her and I suspect that is normal but we do see each other on a daily basis...we both are wearing our wedding rings again which he and I were not doing before but again I am cautious and need proof that the A is over...I realize his withdrawl feelings are normal and have to give him time to get through that but need to know that he will be able to do this...I asked him tonight if he thought he could do this on his own and he thought he could but was having a hard time...any suggestions in how to help him get over the other woman?...he told me tonight he loved me but wants to come back and love me the way he should without the feelings of missing her...I wonder if anyone else is going through this as well? and how do you handle it