I found out in September 03 of my H's affair that started in August. He wouldn't end the affair and I started Plan A in October. I have done a good job of it. So good, that sometimes when H and I are together, you wouldn't even know that there were any problems in our relationship. We sleep in the same bed, do couple things together, have sex, talk, etc. H says he loves me and wants to care for me. H has come close to ending his A with OW on several occasions. However, he won't go NC and he says that she is so persistant that he isn't sure how to end it. He had spent the night at home two weeks straight and then caved to her, then went another two weeks at home everynight and caved again last night. OW is married and is getting a divorce to be with my H, but he told her he didn't want to leave me. She is doing everything to entice him. Now he doubts his former convictions to end it with her.

I just spoke with him on the phone and we are going to talk tonight when he gets home. H is unhappy about your financial situation and where we just moved to for my job. My aunt and uncle live in our town, but the rest of our families are two to five hours away. H hasn't been able to find a job he likes and has a lot of time on his hands to spend with OW. He says that OW is a distraction to his problems and that the sex is great so he may want to pursue a long-term relationship with her. I know that statistics say it won't last.

I am getting to the end of six months in Plan A. I am very hesitant to go to Plan B because he will either move in with her or move five hours away to his family. He hates this town so much (we cannot afford to move at the moment)that if I ask him to leave I can't see him ever coming back. Right now he at least has two feet at home and he comments that he loves me and enjoys spending time with me. He just can't give up the joy he gets from the sex and his relationship with her. Additionally, he says he doesn't feel passion for me; while I believe that can be restored, he doesn't share my belief.

I don't feel strong enough for Plan B. It hurts so much when he doesn't come home at night. Yet, I cannot imagine the pain if he didn't live with me anymore. H is my closest and only real friend in this new town. I cannot imagine not having him with me.

I have developed a strong faith because of all of this. I have seen improvements in the relationship that I contribute to God. My pastor tells me that I shouldn't ask him to leave, but continue to pray and God will restore my marriage.

I have prayed to God to guide me to the next step. I don't have an answer yet. Please let me know what advice you may have for me.

firefly

Dr. James Dobson's book... a must read for you

Love Must Be Tough

You are making it so easy for him NOT to make a choice.

You fear he might choose OW over you.

Well, what are your options?

Living like this? Is this acceptable?

When you allow your fear to make your decisions, there is seldom a good outcome.

Living in fear is not Godly.

Pep

Firefly - Good to here from you again. Well you've done it, managed to stay in Plan A for a long time. But I think it might be time for Plan B. Your H needs a wakeup call about how life will be without you.

Hi firefly,

Your WH is a fencesitting cake-eater and cannot make a decision to save his life.Of course the sex is great right now with OW because A) he knows you are in the periphery and B)he has the luxury of two women loving him and caring for him so that must give him one heck of an ego boost.Undoubtedly,the passion he feels for this OW would also mellow over time but he doesn't see that yet.He also would need to be away from the OW to go through withdrawal and then start to develop any feelings for you.That is a fact.

If you have done close to 6 months in a good Plan A then that is *enough.Time for Plan B.Time to up the ante.

Draw on our support here and all the stories to get you geared up for Plan B,do not be afraid of it.I did it and my undecided WH is now wanting to reconcile so it can work.Your WH sounds prime for an emotional break from you,when he sees that you have pulled the plug then he is going to take notice.You have to find and rely on other sources of comfort and companionship while you go through this,it is by no means easy,it is HARD.But it is essential right now.I'm sorry to have to disagree with your pastor on this issue.

Read up on Plan B.Keep posting here for support.We will help you get through this.

O

firefly,

My guess is you've done the "long term" version of "Plan A" which has no chance of ending affairs and isn't really Plan A at all. A real Plan A has four parts...stopping LBs, filling needs, confrontation and exposure. Did you do all of that? No matter what you did however, you've already done it too long. Way too long.