I noticed recently that a lot of the posters whom I consider experts are divorced. And I think you really get to a place where you've given all you have to give and then a calm sets in and you are prepared for any eventuality.
I love my W as much as ever but I am strangely more prepared for whatever happens then I ever have been. If things don't end successfully she won't be able to make me feel like I've failed. I have truly given all I can give. It's an empowering feeling. While I am now in the middle of C with S.Harley I'm not so desperate for a certain outcome. Maybe getting rid of my desperation is what will finally make W sit up and take notice. But maybe not. And perhaps I will finally realize that it takes 2. I have started to betray myself in my zeal to make this M work. With the help of IC I'm starting to understand that sometimes the price is too high.
Sorry if I'm negative this evening. And believe me I have the highest respect for the posters I am referring to.

WOE

Well I'm right with you.

Check this out. It is a post about detachment from Kathy at Surviving Infidelity.

Every adult knows there are consequences for every action. We will either eventually work together to move forward successfully, or not. So far, it's been not more consistently than anything else -- so then the lifeboat mentality really kicks in & it's every man for themself. That's not what I would chose, but I'd be an idiot to be standing on the deck of the Titantic when it's sinking pretending that trying to decide what to have for breakfast the next morning together is a smart way to spend my time at that moment.

Just like the Titantic disaster, the WS affair activities are a series of incredibly bad decisions & errors of judgment that had disasterous, horrific effects not just on the individuals that made them, but everyone around them too, that should never have happened to begin with. It was totally preventable, but once the ship starting going down, a very different world existed & no amount of just saying "I'm sorry" was going to work then. Saying it would be nice, but finding a life jacket & getting you both into a lifeboat is much more important. Incredibly crucial decisions must be made to have any chance at all of getting out of the mess in any type of intact shape.

The first step is pure survival mode. This requires recognizing there is a huge problem requiring immediate actions. Then after the initial shock wears off, it's time to take inventory of what is left & what you have to work with to get out of danger completely. Whether or not you are alone in that endeavor, you have to take care of you before you can look out for anyone else. You have to decide what is important to you but you also have to value yourself equally.

Is the relationship important enough to put at least as much effort into saving it as there was in destroying it on the WS side? And the BS needs to determine whether the relationship is still a priority & has value to them despite what has happened.

Only then can you clearly begin to work on the choices you have at that time, when both are able & willing to be totally honest about what has happened to their "us" & what needs to be done to move forward individually as well as jointly if that is to be at all. Finally, the decision is made, either consciously or by default (what the behavioral track record is) to recreate a successful, healthy partnership together or not.

Regardless of whether the relationship survives or not, it will take an incredible amount of effort to overcome the sinking ship nightmares. They won't go away easy, no matter how hard either or both try. Accepting that is very important, because it can't be seen as a sign that the relationship is unsalvageable, but rather accepted as a long term, natural & understandable consequence of the disaster, period. And that applies to both the WS & BS who may have different triggers, but they may still be there for years to come.

Just like a physical scar after a bad injury, it will always be there but it will fade substantially with time & as the constant pain recedes.

And loving detachment is a healthy huge step in the right direction. What it says is, "I may have been blind & blindsided, but now I see clearly what was obscured in the affair fog. I not only was involved in a catastrophe of unimaginable horror but survived it. But merely surviving is not good enough, for I refuse to be a victimized and/or a bystander in my life any longer. I deserve to thrive in my life so I will make the choices that will allow me the best opportunities to do that. I will take each day as it comes, do the best I can in each moment with one foot firmly in the present & one foot heading for a great future. Every day I will do what I can when I can to make sure that happens, moment to moment. I am not willing to handcuff someone to me to travel that life journey with me. If they chose to do so voluntarily, I expect the Golden Rule to be one of our main operating principles. I will not accept someone I am in a primary relationship with to make unilateral decisions that affect me. I will not accept that I give or get less than I would want for myself or any loved one. The greatest gift one soul can give another is the one of themself, the gift of loving & being loved. I will not give or treat that privilege lightly when offered to me. It is too valuable, priceless because it is special & unique, to give or get yet to waste it by not recognizing & acting on its full potential as well as its true reality. Some may love with all they've got, but it may not be enough to be a healthy relationship. Some may love "too much" which is just as damaging in its own way. I will focus on loving detachment in order for my partner & myself to have the best enviroment in which to grow & live in as healthy, a successful manner as we deserve as well as need to. It is not an option, it is a daily necessity. I will love & be loved with the awareness that love is a decision & privilege, not a cage of any type for either of us."

Believer that is awesome. This would not have made sense to me a few weeks back but lately I've had an awakening. The only way I know W is still in EA is because of the constant criticism I receive. I suppose that's guilt or whatever that makes it easier to justify what she's doing. But until I can stand on my own two feet, and look like somebody who could make it without her, she will never rediscover me. Maybe she never will. But I have chased for far too long, grovelled way too much. My business has suffered, my self esteem, my role as father, my friendships. Every area of my life have been adversely effected and I really needed the Titanic analogy to remind myself that I have been in a castastrophy. In another smokescreen my W insisted I go to IC before she would consider MC. I found a wonderful IC who has simply validated what has always been painfully obvious to me. But I have been "gaslighted" by W to think I must be crazy for overreacting. Thank you for taking the time to post this.

WOE

Believer that was awesome. Thank you, your post helped me very much. To tell you the truth all I want to say is Go Believer, Go believer you got it.

You made me cry, but that was because it was a great post! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks guys, but I can't take credit for it. But it has really helped me.

Believer, thanks for posting that. It will be copied and reread many times I think.

I'm not sure this applies, but I think it does. I read the following this morning in a book I have called "Angel Courage." It made me laugh. It talks about vampires in our live who are "people who seem to be able to live only by draining energy from others." It goes on to say, "Curiously enough, even though they act like the ultimate victim, we become their victims, the unwary flies heading straight for their manipulative web. If you have a vampire in your life, who's been draining you of valuable energy in terms of time, effort, and the resulting expenditure of anger and resentment, here's a suggestion. The next time your vampire calls, give him or her the number of the Red Cross, and tell them they'll never go hungry again. Then hang up and start living YOUR life."

That is a great way to look at it CV55!