THIS POST CONTAINS CAREFULLY WORDED LANGUAGE AND DESCRIPTIONS THAT HOPEFULLY WILL NOT BRING THE WRATH OF THE MODERATORS DOWN ON ME....I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO ADD TO ANYBODY'S DISTRESS, OR CAUSE ANY SETBACKS IN ANYONE ELSE'S RECOVERY....PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF ANY OF THIS POST IS NOT OK, AND I'LL GLADLY AND QUICKLY EDIT!! IM is stillcrazy5(at)yahoo(dot)com
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Taker tells me that its been so long since he's done much of anything about my needs for any kind of security, emotional or otherwise....
I truly feel belittled, ignored, discounted and disrespected and that everything is STILL all about him! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is part of my update I posted on my thread today...if you'd like, you can get the rest of the scoop there...over on Recovery board.
I'm having enough trouble with it, I wanted to do another thread, so as not to subject y'all to my novelette.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
The bold is/was one of my FOO issues, BIG TIME!!
I am the oldest of 3 girls, and was molested by my alcoholic step-father, made worse by severe emotional abuse.... the following is a very clear example...
As a young adolescent (say from 12 or 13 on)...I was no longer allowed to wash my hair in the shower. Dad said that he was sick of the hair clogging the drain. Didn't make sense to me, as all of us girls had short, short hair. Not allowed to let it grow. Therefore, seeing as we couldnt use the shower, I had to bend way over the kitchen sink, way up on my tiptoes so I could reach my head under the faucet to wash my hair. Dad would sneak up behind me and well, you get the picture.....when I asked that he not do that, said that it made me uncomfortable, here's is his exact quote, which I will never, ever forget, as long as I live..."I don't give a damn about uncomfortable. I feed it, I can feel it. I am the head of this house, and that's all that matters."
No one....mom, school counselors, teachers, extended family, etc. believed me. No one. No one cared.
When I (quite predictably, of course) turned up pregnant at 16, my maternal grandmother and an aunt asked me some pretty pointed questions-- asking me if Dad was the father of the child. I assured them the culprit was my boyfriend (age 18), not my step-father. Dad never took anything that far. That was about the only boundary he never crossed.
Everything was promptly swept back under the carpet, and never mentioned further again.
Now, I'm no dummy. I wondered-- How could they see enough to be concerned about the father of my child, but tell me to my face that they felt I was lying, or simply exaggerating and blowing things way out of proportion? It all just added insult to the injury. I was soooo hurt, and at the same time, soooo angry.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
I struggled with this for a long while....mostly in IC and drug treatment around 20 years ago, when I was in my early and mid-20's. It was a large part of the pain that I was trying to bury with alcohol and drugs. I thought that I had worked thru this childhood crap and was pretty well healed. Hadn't thought of it very often in many years, and the memories didn't cause any distress or urge to escape them somehow, like they used to do...no problems telling my story or discussing such issues, either.
Fast forward to now---- <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />
Before FWH's A's, my self esteem was pretty good, self trust and self confidence working as they should...
Naturally, 3 or 4 D-days in less than a year's time shot those all to hell.
Just lately, when H is discounting my feelings, etc (above quote).....it's almost as if my step-father were standing there talking garbage, not my husband. It's like I can hear both of them. It's pretty creepy.
Being an old druggie....I could maybe compare to LSD flashbacks, but I doubt that very many folks would identify with that!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />
I'm instantly and for a few seconds, back at 14 or 15 again. And feeling those feelings, thinking those thoughts, being in pain....almost as intense as it was back then.
I don't know what to do. My head can sort all of this out and I can clearly see the connections and where this crap comes from....but it won't go away.
It's making me crazy. I function during the day ok, you'd really have to know me well to know that I'm so stressed.
At night, when I'm asleep, my cup runneth over...I cry in my sleep, but never wake up. In the morning I just have a horrible headache, swollen, red eyes, and a damp pillow. It's so weird! But it's been verified by an ex and my daughters that I've cried in my sleep before. They just thought that I was aware of it and would remember what I was crying about. but I never do. And I haven't done it in a looooong, looooong time.
So now, lack of proper rest is complicating things...man, I'm too old for this $hi+ !!!
Finally-here's my question(s)....
Ever heard of anything like this anywhere? How can I get the ghosts to go back to Hell where they belong?
The new wound has finally gone deep enough to re-open the old scar (healed, I thought) that's in the exact same spot. That's about the only other way that I can think of to describe what's happening on the inside.
It's making the present similar issues and feelings more intense than they used to be, and definitely harder on hubby, as I'm decidedly super-duper ultra touchy...as if I weren't extra sensitive enough already!!
Any thoughts, comments or ideas?
Can we think of a bad pun for this reverse deja-voux? Deja-EWWWWW????
