<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:08 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

If you know your heart belongs with your family, the pain will subside. Some days it will be merely intellectual for you that you are with your family and other days you will start to see some of that emotional attachment return. Let me tell you a little story that might help a bit. When I was in my early 20s I had a love affair with (I was not married) a man I went to high school with. We saw each other fairly frequently fo a little over a year and parted on a fairly good note. We had strong feelings for each other but our backgrounds were different enough that we backed off.Interestingly he was Italian and wanted a little Italian woman(which he got) and I ended up marrrying an Italian anyway. Anyway we hadn't talked for 10 years when I saw him last spring at the class reunion. Neither one of us had brought our spouses so we were free to talk. And we did. It was like no time had gone by and we were very comfotable with each other. I had promised myseslf and my husband that I would not slow dance with anyone and I was glad I had set up that rule before I went. When the evening ended we shared a hug and as he left I could see a hint of regret in his eyes and I felt quite a tug on my heart. Now here comes the part that might help. For six weeks I missed this man terribly. I could have contacted him very easily and still could because our class set up a web site with everyone's email addresses on it. I heard love songs, I thought of him, my mother mentioned something fromm the past about how his father hadn't liked me(they were Catholic and I was divorced) and it made me want to throw up. But I thought about all the pain it would cause if I contacted him and we started up with something. I thought about his wife, my husband and all the kids involved and I just didn't want to create a big fat mess.(I had to love him enough to leave him alone.) Because I have before and no matter how much you love the person you get involved with that pain you cause is seperate from the love and takes time to get over. So why am I telling you this? Because all I did was see this man for four hours and I missed him for 6 weeks and I didn't even kiss him.O.K. maybe on the cheek. But, I knew I was doing the right thing. And after six weeks it went away and I was so happy I had made the right decision for once in my life. So if you actually had an affair with this woman it will take time to get over her. But take the advise of not calling her and it will go away. Now that you have developed an interest in God I'm sure you know that the Bible counsels us to not even keep looking at another so as to develope a passion for them. God is very wise and he knows us better than we know ourselves because he created us. We always benefit when we heed His counsel. So be patient, nurture your relationship with your wife, and heed the Bible counsel so you don't fall victim to another affair. Hope all goes well with you.

Hi chris,

Welcome to MB.Unfortunately you are going to have to endure more suffering because I think you'll find that most everyone here is going to suggest that you tell your W about the past 6 years.That really is quite a painful secret to hold and your W deserves to know although she is going to be very hurt.Oh dear.

If you haven't already,stay on board and read as many posts as you can and hopefully a few of the others here that are also wayward spouses(WS) will explain how they are getting through withdrawal.Because you have spent so much time with this OW,I think that is at least one reason why withdrawal will be especially painful and lengthy for you versus someone who ended their A after a few months.

In time your W may be able to see that it is truly over and see the changes in you and also the new found sprituality.But you also have to be prepared that she may want/need to be separate from you for a while after the huge blow you are going to deal her.And you must tell her.There must be complete honesty.

Lastly,if you haven't considered this too,antidepressants(AD's)can help with your withdrawal so perhaps you could see your doctor for a physical and discussion about getting on them.

Hang in there and keep posting.We will be here for you.

O

Chris,

I am 40, married 17yrs, 2 kids. I ended a 2 1/2 year affair early nov. I understand the pain of withdrawal. We started to end the A 3 months into it. I cannot count the amount of times we said good bye only to get back together within a months time. Each time was so painful.

I don't know your reasons for having an affair, what did she give you that you felt was missing. You really need to work on understanding that. It sounds like you have already started that work. Keep working at it, keep understanding yourself more and more. And while you do that, open yourself up to your W more and more, explain to her what you need.

If you felt things were missing, I would have to bet, your W did too. Work on understanding her needs better and how you can fill those needs.

I know for me, the A become a huge addiction and it was more than just that one person. I got caught up on the internet very deeply. The one person was the major object of my addiction but he was not the true addiction, it was the attempt to fill an emptiness inside that was at the core of the addiction. "fixing" that is what I had to do to break the addiction. I can honestly say, the fog is gone, the addiction pull is gone although i can never allow myself to have access to chatting or playing games (like backgammon) online again. Like an alcohlic, i cannot ever allow myself access to that drug because it will take hold of me if i do. I have commited to a life time acceptance of that fact.

You should feel good about your efforts to break off this A 100% (even if she was the one that started it!). I know how hard living 2 lives is on the soul.

I hope posting here helps you. I know it did me. There are many that will push you to tell your wife. Radical honsety is at the core of MB. If you have seen any of my posts, you will see i have been struggling with that decision. I came close to telling him yesterday but I backed out. While the majority of the advice here is to tell. I have received other advice from people in my life that knew about the A to not tell, although they offer their support whatever my decision. I am rather confused right now so I cannot give you advice there.

welcome to MB.

i missed saying the most important piece of advice. If you get the urge to contact her or if you find your thoughts too much on her, POST HERE!!!!! AND focus on doing something loving for your wife instead. GOOD LUCK

Chris, I&#8217;m a former WS. I understand the pain of withdrawal and what you are going through. It's already 1 and a half year since my inappropriate friendship was ended and there is still some days I thinking of him and moments I missing his frienship, although I love my H with all my heart and are 100% commited to my H and M.

Withdrawal will take much time and you have to be patient with yourself. They say the average time it takes to get over the A it is the time the A lasted, so I don&#8217;t say it will take you 6 years to get over her! But it will most probably take much longer that just a few months or 1 year. It&#8217;s really not the same for each person, but I think in your case it will probably take a few months (at least 6 months) before withdrawal symptoms will start to fade. As Dr Harley have said: While the most intense symptoms of withdrawal usually last only about three weeks, in some cases they can linger for six months or longer before they start to fade. During this time it will be normal to constantly think about her but as times goes by and it gets better day by day (and as long you continue to keep NC and keep your focus on your wife and marriage) your feelings will start to fade and you start to think less and less about her. This really is a process. There isn&#8217;t a solution that will make you quickly get over your feelings and forget about her instantly. As I&#8217;ve said, it takes time and patience and effort from your side on your W and M.

You must understand withdrawal from the OP is similar to the feelings an alcoholic has when he makes a commitment never to drink again. It's also similar to the grief that comes from the loss of a loved one. Symptoms of withdrawal usually include anger, anxiety and depression in a very intense form, but as one of the posters have already suggested to you, anti-depressant medication will help alleviate these symptoms and make it easier.

Dr Harley said: It is extremely likely that a commitment to remain separated from a lover will be broken unless extreme measures are taken to avoid it. That's because the emotional reaction of withdrawal is so painful. Honesty is an extremely important element in reconciliation, and it should be understood that if the unfaithful spouse ever sees or communicates with the lover, he or she should immediately tell the spouse that it happened. They should then agree on a plan that would prevent a recurrence of contact in the future. But as soon as any contact is made, it throws the unfaithful spouse back to the beginning of withdrawal, and the time it takes to overcome the feelings of grief begins all over again.

I can suggest the following:

1. Avoid listening to sad and romantic love songs &#8211; this is a &#8216;trigger&#8217;.
2. If you thinking or missing the OW or want to make contact with her, do something for you W instead and focus on her.
3. If the withdrawal is too painful and you can&#8217;t discuss certain things with your W, go to a professional outside person (counselor or pastor) and get your feelings out. It really helps to talk.
4. Be honest with your wife and ask her to support and encourage you (you must do the same for her &#8211; remember this is painful for her too!)
5. Continue to seek help, support and guidance on this board.
6. Seek God&#8217;s strength and help EVERY DAY and pray about it constantly.

Good luck and God bless!
Suzet

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 08:43 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

My previos post was to give you some encouragement that your feelings will fade, but I didn't read your post closely enough to realize that you had not divulged the whole of your affair to your wife. I think this is definetely something you must do. In fact I'm wondering if one can even really say an affair is over before the spouse knows, not because you haven't made a commitment to stay away but because to you who haven't told this guilt and unfinished business goes around and around in your head each day and therefore can never really be resolved. If it was, you'd be off this web site and onto other things. But you can do it and you can have closure. A spouse has a right to divorce a wayward spouse. In fact infidelity is the only biblical grounds for divorce with the prospect of remarrying, but they also have the choice to forgive. But it is the wronged spouse's choice and when you don't tell you are taking that choice away from them, so really now you have done 2 wrong things. Have some faith in your wife's love for you and give her a chance to make that decision...hope all goes well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

hello
i read your post and your situation is very close to mine ,, i was wondering if you would send me a e mail so we could chat about it more ,,, i would appreciate it alot ,,
my e mail address is
dolfnn1@aol.com
thanks agin for your time ,, imjust wanting to get a point of view from someone thats in my shoes ,,,
thanks

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

Hi Chris.
I just read your message on FinallyLearning's thread and decided to answer you on your original post.

I copied and pasted your message here and below it is a good message by Trueheart.
I think you will identify with it.

Chris, you are hurting now, missing this lady that filled so much of your 'secret life' for so long. It is called withdrawal.
You are feeling afraid and lonely without her attention and affection that you had for so many years. Plus you are feeling ashamed for feeling this way and wondering how you could have done this to your wife and children and yourself!

More than likely this lady still cares for you; but she accepted the hopelessness of being with a married man and she knows she needs love and companionship and a life and family of her own.

In time this pain you are feeling will diminish (probably not entirely go away, the memories will remain) but life will be good and happy again; it is really up to you.
Pretend to be happy at first, be the best husband and dad you can be.
Don't let yourself be depressed. (We have all put on a happy voice when the phone rings and we are perhaps having an intense discussion.)

As for sleeping, try taking a Benadryl tablet, it relaxes you in a safe way.
Sincerely, Julie.

I hope Truehearts message helps you.
It is long but very worthwhile, you might even want to copy and paste it (or print it) to read later.
It has a lot of wisdom in it!


chris37
Junior Member
Member # 33369


posted February 27, 2004 11:02 AM
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
FinallyLearning.
I know what you are going thru...You replied to my post a few days back. I had an A that started 7 yrs ago after the first year I told my wife and 6 wks latter the A started back up. I had spent the last 6 years trying to end it, after so many failed attempts the OW finally ended it by meeting someone new. I have been so screwed up over this and I was going to tell my W again however, my therapist told me not to. I have handled it by having some very deep conversation with my W. She knows that something was wrong and I told her that she could ask me anything anything at all about the past and I would tell her the truth. She never asked I think she knows but she sees all of the changes I have made and our M is getting much better. I am still not over the OW I think about her all the time. Some of the posting I received was to try Anti-depressants my therapist does not recommend them and gave me a bunch of scientific research that supported that recommendation. I know the pain that I am going through and I know that I will never stray again. I am working hard at our marriage and hard at looking deep inside of me and coming to terms with some serious issues from my past. I not using my past as an excuse it just helps to know why I have done the things that I have done. I whish you the best, Chris


" I know full well the pain, anger, frustration, fear, embarrassment, passion, fun, laughter, love, fear, and all the rest of the wide range of emotions of having an Affair. I know what is like to have that Other Person fill up your senses...so full and so fast you wonder how you ever made it without them.

The sex is great, the passion is overwhelming, you can't wait to see them, touch them, hear them...all the while drifting further and further from your marriage...lost in the fog. NO matter how we justify it, that other person...is a cheater, as well. They know we are married and they choose to cheat with us. And in many cases, probably have before, and have told the other person they are with, all the same, exact things they tell us. "You are my soulmate" "you are the only one for me" etc etc.

We have heard em all and said em all. We have been told they can make us happy "for the rest of our lives". WE have been so blinded by it all, that we give up family and friends we have had for years, in order for this OP to feel safe with us and convince them how we feel. We take all the energies that we don't use at home, and give them to someone "new". We spend money, time, and energy to build something with someone exciting, instead of spending that with someone that knows us and truly loves us. You see, the truth is, that we, both members of the affair, are very good at one thing....telling each other exactly what we want to hear.

We put together elaborate speeches, write poetry, find mushy cards, send the "perfect" gifts, say the right things...all for this other person. Both of us continue to hone our "cheating" skills to the point of perfection. What ever happened to doing that to your spouse, instead of leaving them at the side of the road with a flat tire? We have derailed their entire life and emotionally checked out...in order to make us feel better about the affair. That simply isn't right.

We took years to build something. We may have taken several years to weaken the foundation of it. But in one simple night of lust, and that is what it is, lust, we tried to destroy it. If we truly "loved" this person, if we truly believed what we were doing is right, true, and good, there would be no indecision on our part. There would be no hesitancy at all. The bottom line is that, you can trust the person you are cheating with less than you can trust yourself.

Deep down in your heart, you still love your spouse, and you know it. You don't want to give up the excitement and passion you have found. The truth is that your marriage will never again go back to what it was. The blind faith in each other is gone....it is replaced with doubt and fear. The wonderful thing is that you now have a chance to "rediscover" your spouse, your marriage, and your family. It is not as hard as you may think, but will take some dedication on your part.

But the beauty of the whole thing is you will be stronger and more in love than you ever thought you could be. You create new memories, new routines, a new life. You re-commit, reinvest your time and energies in that which truly loves you.

The truth is most affairs end when the OP either gets what they thought they needed from you, and even more of them end when the OP finds another WS. Oddly enough, you weren't enough for them either. In the end you are left with no loving spouse, no children, no family, no friends.....and your OP that was so steadfastly dedicated to you is off romping with "the love of their life".

I know from whence I speak, my friends. I know of the pain, the sorrow, the hurt, the look in my childrens eyes when I left the house. I hear the sounds of my W crying, begging, pleading, and hurting. I now see what a fool I was. I now spend everyday, more happy than I ever thought I could be. If the world were to end tomorrow, she would know I loved her as no other. No, she won't ever forget about the A, and along the way, there will be things that will trigger her mind, but, she has forgiven.

You need to talk to your spouse to help them. YOU are the only one that can help them. They need you, much more now than ever before. You have to swallow that pride of yours, for them to heal. You have to open your life up to them, and hide nothing. You have to make it about them. The affair was making it about you, so now you owe it to them, no matter how embarrassed you are, no matter how much you don't wnat to talk about it, to make it about them.

Their peace of mind, their feelings are all that matter. They know, from being here, what they need to do in order to help meet your needs. It is now up to you, to learn what you need to do in order to meet theirs. And make no mistake about it, it will be hard work, but it is oh so worth it!! This person you married, is willing to work with you in order to show you the love you deserve!! Are you willing to work to show them how much you truly love them??

By being here, at Marriage Builders, they have shown that they are willing to adopt the principles that it takes to put their marriage back together. They have pledged their love, and even their support, to your recovery, as well as theirs. They have accepted the crumbs you have offered them, while knowing full well you were at the buffet with the other person in your life. You have one of the strongest, most committed, most wonderful, loving, and caring people in the world on your side. Don't expect them not be angry from time to time. Don't expect them to be perfect, let you off the hook, and not talk about it with you. They need and want to understand you and all the things surrounding what happened. It is part of the healing process. What you can expect is love, honesty, and the rebuilding of your marriage. They know what it takes to make things work now. They also know that they, as well as you, have to be stronger than ever before in their life, if this is going to work. That is why they are still here...they understand. They even know, that you may backslide in the beginning, but are willing to deal with that, in order to preserve and protect that which they believe in ......YOU. I implore you, WS, burn off the fog.

See the sand that is your foundation for the affair. There is no solid basis for this relationship..it is all smoke and mirrors that reflects this "love" you have found. Run, do not walk, back home and give your marriage all the energy, gifts, poems, cards, and love that you have given to the affair. The results are remarkable. But you have to be willing to be honest with yourself, first of all. You have to admit there is a problem, and you have to be willing to fix it, with your spouse, a counselor, whatever or whoever it takes to fix it. You have to be willing to want to be there in mind, body, and spirit. You will find a love more wonderful than anything you knew before.
Trueheart"

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

chris, enjoy your wife this weekend, give her the love she deserves!!

<small>[ February 27, 2004, 02:45 PM: Message edited by: FinallyLearning ]</small>

Wow, thanks BT for pasting Trueheart's message, it strikes such a chord with me! Seven weeks ago I discovered that my husband of 33 years had been having a 3 month affair with a coworker. I suspected it almost from the start and spend considerable time "snooping" and finally listened to a voice message she left on his cell phone...that was my confirmation. Lots of tears and much talking later and I am quite sure that we will be okay. Long term marriages can become stale and fall into deep ruts if both spouses are not careful. I know he loves me and his affair is over and we now have the commitment to each other to make this marriage better than it ever has been. I will show Truehart's posting to my husband. Thanks for the sensitive words.

Chris-
thank you for starting this thread...

BT-
thank you for posting Trueheart's letter here. I really needed to read that today.
CW

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>