I know this is going to come as a big disppointment to alot of you, but after over 2 months of NC, I did it, I broke it.

I managed to abstain from emailing OM on his Bday, however 2 days later I sent that letter.

He did respond, to my surprise.

Before you all assume that this was the worst thing I could have done, it may actually prove to have been the best thing.

OM has written for the past week, of course in replies to my questions I ask in my emails to him.

He informed me that his life was awful (remember in Nov he needed time to "find his wife again" and re-establish their connection?) Well, he told me, after MUCH prodding, that about a week and a half earlier, she went to stay at her girlfriends. He assured me a fewthings. #1, she had no clue about me (I dont think she ever could have, he only communicated to me from work and he told me hed 100% deny an affair at any cost) #2, they never had a blow up or fight, and #3 it was nothing he did....she just needed to "clear her head and think about things".

So thats what we talked about......however, it was like talkin to an absolute stranger. Gone is the sweet talk, the long letters and any sort of friendliness....just straight to the facts, and thats all.

I commented on his apparent "coldness" He said he did want any emotion involved, all he wanted was his wife back forever and nothing else and nobody else has ever or will ever make him happy.

A slap in the face? perhaps.....Now I have no questions as to if he cares about me now....he doesnt...a wise person recently told me what we had was "in the moment" and to let it go....

....and thats what I know I am able to do now.

As for the homefront....things still suck. H refuses counselling. I muddle through the days. I'm alive though, so thats a plus.

Ive missed you here at MB....just needed to decide to post on here, and post the truth, the truth about what I have done.

Thanks

S.

Hello Sally.

I'm new here and probably have about the same situation as you as far as how things on the homefront are. I'm also a WS.

Please take into consideration that I'm very new, and might not have a clue as to what I'm talking about. Your posted just interested me, and I felt compelled to reply.

Have you told your H about the contact?

It saddens me that you needed the affirmation that OM no longer/doesn't care about you. *Idealy* your need to reconcile with your husband and make your marriage better would be enough to get out of the A and not look back. Unrealistic? Maybe. I'm am happy, however, that this realization might help you let go of the A.

He informed me that his life was awful (remember in Nov he needed time to "find his wife again" and re-establish their connection?) Well, he told me, after MUCH prodding, that about a week and a half earlier, she went to stay at her girlfriends.

First, why prod? Did you initiate contact with the intention of starting the A up again?

#1, she had no clue about me (I dont think she ever could have, he only communicated to me from work and he told me hed 100% deny an affair at any cost)

Are you wanting him to never tell his W? If so, I have to disagree and gently imply that if you are serious about wanting the A to be over, his W should be told.

I'm sorry, I don't know your story and may be very off base here. I will do a search of your posts and reply more later.

Hello again Sally.

I quickly read over some of your posts.

I want to let you know that I do understand the position you're in missing the OM. I do not think you are a bad person for breaking NC, and hopefully now you can fully commit to your husband again.

I've learned that my marriage didn't get better, and my husband didn't start treating me better until I changed my actions toward him. Then he followed.

If he isn't feeling from you that you're completely recommitted to him and the marriage, he WILL pull away and not try so hard.

You have more control over the situation than you think you do. Your H is looking to you a lot for committment, support, and affirmation that you WANT the marriage to work, and will do whatever necessary. I believe if you show him those things, you'll begin to see things turn around. Your H will start to heal, and eventually start meeting your EN's. When this happens and your needs are met, you will rarely if ever think of OM.

OM has found his love for his W again, is out of the fog. I think you should work for that as well.

Hope this helped in some way, and by all means, if you feel the need, you can tell me I'm full of horsehockey =) Hang in, be strong, and good luck!

I'm sorry to hear about breaking NC.

One big thing - you said your H still refuses to go counselling. Sadly, you didn't hear what he is really saying.

The reason he doesn't want to go counselling is because he is detecting that you are holding back. You are giving him the nonverbal message that YOU aren't committed to him. So, he isn't committed to you.

You commitment to your OM is evident in your post. Don't expect your H to rush to counselling or rebuilding. He sees your heart isn't in it, and he is not going to put his heart into it either. In fact, I suspect he will become more and more "closed" to you as he sees you really aren't open to him.

Sadly, I fear you two will grow apart, and your M will become less secure rather than more.

It may be possible that his wife is having an A! Thats justice for him...

Its good in a way that you did break NC because it has helped you realise that the A is over. This should be a real fog-breaker for you. Do you want to have more contact? Make sure you do not contact him again, because although this contact didnt result in the A restarting, you hurt your H every time you have contact, whether he knows it or not. And you should tell him: its all part of the Policy of Radical Honesty. It is the honesty which is the essential ingredient in regaining your Hs trust.

Have you done all the questionnaires with your H? That is a good place to start if he doesnt want to go to counselling. Good luck

Hes never thought of counselling as any good...even before the A.

We have not done the questionaires, no.

As far as me telling my H that I emailed him again, dont think its going to help.

I mean are all of the policies of MB 100% tried and true?

I dont know.....

Not so much in a fog anymore as I am in a depression I think.

That "heartache" I never thought I would get over at least has lessened alot since Nov/Dec....I just feel really, almost like I dont have any feeling, if that makes sense.

sally,

Well,I know I don't have to say this but it's truly disappointing that you made contact and only 2 days after we all had spent so much time encouraging you here and then you disappear only to find that you have been dishonest with us.Then you start e-mailing him during the whole week and want to know why he sounds cold to you?

I have to say I don't believe you when you say that you are going to let it go.And now you have put both yourself and your H right back to the "Should I tell him or should I not" scenario.You don't think it will help to tell him but now you are just lying to yourself and him all over again.And for what? So you could see how the OM was feeling about you and now his life sucks because of the A? A slap in the face? What do you want from him,more happy loving discussions about how he misses you? ARGH.

Good grief.Stop asking questions.All you did was open another can of worms and set yourself back in any type of "recovery".Was it worth it? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

O

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 07:49 AM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

As far as me telling my H that I emailed him again, dont think its going to help. I mean are all of the policies of MB 100% tried and true?

I don't think the PORH NEEDS to be tried and true. It makes SENSE. You are in this whole mess because you kept things from your husband.

In the VERY begininng before the A, had you made the choice to talk to your husband about your ENs and even tell him about your interest in another man, A FULL BLOWN A PROBABLY NEVER WOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

I know this is hard to accept, it was for me.

If you were honest with him all along you wouldn't be in this mess. So why would you want to continue having secrets and lying?

I'm going to repeat a bit of advice I received a little while back. (thanks guys)

Do you respect your H? Do you trust him? If so, YOU are not the one that decides what will help or what he needs to hear. Your only job is to be completely honest, about every aspect of your life and feelings.

Please show your husband how committed you are, it will make a big difference! Even if you have to essentially "fake it" for a while, you'll find that you'll come to think about OM less and less and return all your love and affection to your H.

Good luck!

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:50 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

Im backing octobergirl. You have satisfied your curiosity, now resume no contact for good. We all have free will, exercise that now. Tell your husband about your relapse, be there for him, comfort him, communicate and be 100% honest with him.

Do you want the A to begin again? It will if you continue as you are.

Originally posted by sally2003:
"I know this is going to come as a big disppointment to alot of you, but after over 2 months of NC, I did it, I broke it."

Not disappointed, and more importantly...

not surprised at all....

You are this person who does these things.

Happy trails.

Pep

sally2003

your husband deserves to hear the truth (that you intiated contact with OM) and I don't believe you can judge if it will help or not.

You are not a "disappointment" for me. No not at all, there are just too many out there of your kind!!!!
You don't have to please others but you begin to think about yourself.

Isn't this selfmade situation you have put yourself into the biggest dissapointment ever?? Mostly for "Yourself!"

Gosh, what do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror???

Sorry for being so harsch but you knew before hand that this was not right mostly because you didn't have the backbone to stand up and tell your husband what you were going to do.

You did this secretely and again you showed yourself what kind of a person you are...
What would you have done if OM would of told you something different???

Get you head outta (whereever it is) and start THINKING!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As for the homefront....things still suck. H refuses counselling </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I agree. Things do seem to suck at your homefront but only because you haven't cleaned up YOUR mess.
Before you can ask your husband to do anything how about opening up and being honest and then he can decide for himself if he wants to go to counselling or not.

take care
bb

This entire thing spanning several months is one huge TROLL is it not? A clever troll, but still a troll.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I commented on his apparent "coldness" He said he did want any emotion involved, all he wanted was his wife back forever and nothing else and nobody else has ever or will ever make him happy.

A slap in the face? perhaps.....Now I have no questions as to if he cares about me now....he doesnt...a wise person recently told me what we had was "in the moment" and to let it go....</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did it really matter that he did care for you still? Or did you just need your ego stroked.

It really shouldn't matter at all -- he's trying to rebuild and you should let him alone to do it.

That wasn't a slap .. more like a kick in the butt .. get out of his life, it doesn't sound like he really wants you there anyway.

You may have just set things back for him and his wife. Hope your "need" is enough tp justify you hurting his wife with your contact. (whether she knows about the contact or not)

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
....and thats what I know I am able to do now.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Time will tell.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
As for the homefront....things still suck. H refuses counselling. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seems like you are the one who's stuck and your husband is waiting for you to move completely toward him.

way2

Well, if this is an addiction like drugs and alcohol, is this how you would treat that sort of addict? Give them a time limit to get their act straight?

I guess so.

Pep, your comment was one I wasnt surprised to hear. Sacrcastic and angry, probably because you are the betrayed...thats ok.

I will leave this board now...I cant ask for your help and you cant help me anymore...

S.

Pep, your comment was one I wasnt surprised to hear. Sacrcastic and angry, probably because you are the betrayed...thats ok.

Not angry. Not sarcastic. Sad for you. Your decisions are consistently harmful to yourself.

If I am "the betrayed" .... what are you?

My marriage is mutually open, healthy, and happy .... we have been married 23 years .... it ain't easy, but it's worth every minute.

I will leave this board now...I cant ask for your help and you cant help me anymore...

Leave, stay .... please do whatever pleases you. Whatever is your choice.

Ask, listen, post, lurk, vent, advise, dialogue... whatever is your choice.

You choose to leave.
You choose to stay.
Own your choices.
You are this person who does these things.

Not an insult. Simply a fact. You are you. These things are your choices.

This is who you are .... right now.

Pep

Dear Sally.
I was glad to hear from you, we all were.
It has been awhile since you posted and I could just FEEL that you had contacted HIM!

The good news is that you were honest and told us the truth here at the message board.

I happen to know through an e-mail I received from someone here on the message board that she lied lied lied to appease the people here.
She wanted to make them all think that she was on the right path, had confessed to her husband, was no longer in contact with OM but it was all a BIG LIE. She said the RIGHT WORDS to get everyone off her back...
What a foolish thing to do; she cannot receive help by not being truthful here on MB.

But I guess if someone can lie to their mate, they can lie to strangers here!

You told the truth and that is the only way!
Of that you can be very proud of yourself; you faced the music!

This addiction is so deep and so hard to get past that relapses are common.
The goal is for the relapses to get farther and farther apart.
I believe in my heart that you would not have to tell your husband IF and only IF you stop the e-mailing right now!

I know my husband had a terribly hard struggle with the withdrawal emotions, when his EA (and PA) with a woman ended when she found someone else to be her 'soulmate' and he was no longer needed by her.

He cared very much about her.
He would not have gotten involved had he not cared SO MUCH for her as to risk his marriage his reputation with his children, church, community, friends, etc.

He hurt me and he is sorry and I have forgiven him because he repented!

For your husband's and your healing and well-being, it is time to let that OM go!
This latest contact should be helpful as he told you he wants his wife, wants his marriage to work.
You do not want to be a hindrance to this, do you?

Like someone wrote earlier, HONOR is such an important attribute to have.
And you can get it back if you can just focus on your children and husband.

Maybe a good lady friend that you could confide in could help you through this difficult time in your life.
Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ February 25, 2004, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

"...Well, if this is an addiction like drugs and alcohol, is this how you would treat that sort of addict? Give them a time limit to get their act straight?.."

I can't see an A as an addiction, sorry. A true addiction, like to alcohol, painkillers, nicotine or heroin, creates real, measurable physiological changes in the person that they need the substance for normal function. It has taken over for something naturally produced, and now the body does not produce the natural substance. In some cases, like heroin, one truly cannot function without the substance. It is a chemical thing, pure and simple.

I know that an A can seem addictive, but I honestly believe it is more habit than addiction. So, I think it entirely possible to place a timeframe on it, and ultimately to treat it differently than a true addiction.

Sally,
I thought maybe u had broken nc...because you didn't post for so long. It took courage for u to post that info here...just like it took courage for u to tell your husband.

If it makes u feel any better, i did (broke the NC) many times...and never had the courage to post it here.

Recovery takes a long time. Both of u have to WANT to make your marriage better. You will have to decide what it is going to be.

The reason everyone harps so much on NC is that it hurts not just your husband but u too (more so in my opinion)...u can't work on your marriage if you are still in contact with him.

Things have worked out for my husband and I, we are finally in recovery (although we have our ups and downs)...but not until I finally cut out ALL the contact. So, I know there is hope, but u have to want it. And believe me when I say that I understand how strong the pull of the OM is...even small amounts of contact such as an email are something u think u can't live without. I finally realized that my obsession with the OM was truely an addiction. Until u realize that, and do everything in your power to stop the contact, you will remain under his control. U don't want that do you???

Please keep in touch,and keep reading.

Diane

Sally,

It seems like we are talking to a brick wall here a little. You ask for help, but are you really LISTENING to our responses???

People are telling you things you don't want to hear so you are giving up and leaving the board????

I know this is harsh, but I agree that maybe you should not ask for help or advice until you are at a place where you're willing to take it to heart or at least really HEAR it.

There are TONS of wonderful people on this board that will give you WONDERFUL advice and insight. I hope you will come to a place soon where you're ready to receive that help.

Take care