I am the BS, wife is the WS. Married 21 years, together 25 with 3 kids. W had an A (EA/PA) that lasted for 7 weeks last summer and ended when I discovered emails on August 28. She immediately sent N/C letter, is very remoseful and we are trying to recover, attending MC, her IC, reading all the books and doing MB program. I know longer question if we will recover, just how long. I posed a question to her this week regarding her morals and values. She is deeply religous, and as she states, took her eyes of God, and it aided in her falling into temptation and the affair. I feel that her morals and values have changed in regards to sex, yet she believes they never did change. The affair was a fantasy life, it did not reflect the true "her" and therfore what she did and her own values and morals dispalyed at that time were also not her, therfore they have not changed. I on the other hand feel that her morals and values can not be what she states (loyalty, value in marriage, sex only with love, no lying, deciet,, honesty respect) as these values if true would have prevented her from having the affair in the first place. What do you as BS and WS feel on this matter!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> on the other hand feel that her morals and values can not be what she states (loyalty, value in marriage, sex only with love, no lying, deciet,, honesty respect) as these values if true would have prevented her from having the affair in the first place. What do you as BS and WS feel on this matter! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dear summer, I always thought of myself as a very moral person, one who would never have an A, yet I did. I did it and knew all the while how wrong it was. The conflict was at times unbearable. In fact, my son is the only reason I just didn't put myself out of my misery. My point is no one is immune to having an A. Now 5 years later, after a false recovery, my H has been having an EA. He has done this knowing full well the pain an A causes. He also said he would never do that to me. Unless each partner is meeting each other's needs and keeping their love banks full, an A can happen. It took me over three years to forgive myself and be able to look myself in the mirror without seeing an adulterer. I am a moral person, but I made a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life, one that I will always regret. My H is beginning to regret his mistake too, although he is still a bit in the fog.

You are lucky in the sense that she immediately had n/c and ended the A. Please read SAA and HNHN. And continue to visit this site. Ask your W to do so also.

Hi there,

That's a tough question to answer.Dr.Harley says that we are all wired to have an affair and given the right circumstances,most of us would.He also goes on to state that WS's usually are not "morally bankrupt" but change their beliefs in order to try and justify their behavior(A).

Personally, I KNOW I would not have ever cheated on my husband.I have been "tempted"by men so many times and was in the right setting for it to happen and also had some tough times in my marriage where I was unhappy and felt lonely but I was always acutely aware of how affairs could take seed and grow and I also made a concious effort to keep others at a distance and let them know I was married.

I had a particular disdain for those who tried to start a relationship with me that was of a romantic nature.I would not make eye contact and my body language said stay away.I was and forever will be faithful to my WH as long as we are married.

Anyway,I have to disagree with your WW.She did lower her "standards" but she was unable to see clearly that she had.I don't understand the statement "she took her eyes of God" and this allowing her to be tempted and thus having an A.Not sure what that means but "sinners" can be redeemed or live a life of redemption..

O

I know for me as a WS, I struggle with questioning those things myself. Through this I've come to a couple conclusions.

I am a good person at heart. I got lost, very very lost, but was able to find myself again, with help from my H.

Do I believe in marriage vows and not having sex without love? Yes I do now and yes I did before my A. Did I believe those things while in the A? Obviously not, because again, the person that I know I am, was lost.

There are lot of factors to becoming lost, and are different for every WS. Have you talked with your wife about her factors? (note, not excuses, factors, all of which she probably could have made better choices about)

I think it's very hard for WS to realize how they felt during the A. I know it was for me because after DDay, all I had was love and respect for my H and our marriage. I couldn't fathom that my H or my marriage was never my first priority.

Having the small bit of hindsight that I do now, I truly believe that I had made a HUGE fantasy world. I didn't act in my character, and I didn't display my values or morals. Do I believe they were still there, hidden under the ugliest degree of selfishness? yes I do.

Hope this helped in some small way.

Bump/

All insight would be appreciated, looking for everyone's opinion.

Summer2003,

I'm actually posting on these boards right now beacause I'm the BS, but almost 14 years ago I had a very brief affair with a coworker. I am a Christian, and while my beliefs and my commitment have definitely become stronger over the years, I truly did believe before it happened that I'd never cheat on my H. It was a very tough time shortly after my D was born and I was feeling very unloved and down about things (EN's definitely not being met), and coworker and I had a lot in common, and things happened that should have never happened.

If I could turn back the clock, I most definitely would and would take it back. However, I can't. All I can do is ask for forgiveness from my H and from the Lord, and do better going forward. Does this make me a person he should worry about forever having another? No I don't believe it makes me any more of a worry than anyone else out there. I know the hurt it caused both of us.

LL

summer,

I think your questions misses the point a bit. Let's first consider Morals and values.

My little computer dictionary says </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">1 a : the moral significance or practical lesson (as of a story) b : a passage pointing out usually in conclusion the lesson to be drawn from a story

2 plural a : moral practices or teachings : modes of conduct b : ETHICS </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Values: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> something (as a principle or quality) intrinsically valuable or desirable *sought material values instead of human values— W. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Someone may value money but have NONE. And someone may have morals "practices or teachings: modes of conduct", and yet not ACT on those teachings because they are not sold on them being valid modes of conduct.

So let's think about this just a second. Because I believe you are right, and I believe your W is right. And the problem is what you two are saying is NOT the same thing.

My thoughts are that your W may well value fidelity and marriage. And she may well believe in the moral teachings she grew up with and the vows she took. In fact, I would NOT doubt her word on this.

I think your point is that her belief in these things surely did NOT keep her from breaking her vows or acting in an immoral way.

So it seems to me that the question is NOT whether she had/has morals and values, but rather are they STRONG enough to avoid temptation when one is weak? I would guess that they may be NOW, but clearly they weren't then.

So the message to you is to make sure she is not in that "weakened" state again. She needs to set boundaries that will help her maintain her values and morals and you need to understand she is at risk if the marriage is not a priority to you and to her.

Once one reads here alot, I think one message is clear. Morals and values do NOT protect a marriage if people do not set boundaries that reinforce those morals and values. I think that somehow many people feel their religion (their morals and values) will intrinsically save them. They won't. They are guidlines but YOU have to set the boundaries and protections in place to keep to those guidelines. Let's face it. If we were all good Godly people we would NOT need religion and churches. It would be self-evident and intrinsic to our very being and thoughts. It is not, hence protection and boundaries are necessary.

So how did I do? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Did I dance around this enough for you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I really do think that you two are actually talking about two separate things, but using the same words.

Hope this helps.

God Bless

JL