My SO and I have had our share of trouble. We come from very different life experiences. I'm divorced, my SO has never been married. I have children, obviously my SO does not. We are not young adults. We have been seeing each other for over two years. Twice I have discovered involvement with another person - cheating - infidelity whatever you want to call it. The first time we desired to reconcile and work on issues. Promises were made. The second time cut's a bit deeper. Promises were broken. Now I'm not so sure. I feel as though if this can occur before marriage, what is to keep it from happening after marriage? I'm not perfect and I'm not saying it's all my SO's fault. I understand that there are unmet emotional needs when someone goes astray. But am I a fool to even attempt to rebuild trust? The vision I have of "the discovery" haunts me every day. I'm in a state of limbo. I have no desire to be intimate. I feel violated. I certainly don't want to be hurt again. I am seriously considering ending what little is left of the relationship. My SO says "I never left you" How can that be? That fateful night was not a night by my side. It was a night by someone else's side. How is that not leaving?

cuts:

Many WSs (wayward spouses) use the "I never left" line. What they're really saying, though, is "thanks for letting me have my cake and eat it, 2!"

Since you're not M'd, you might want 2 seriously reconsider whether it's a good idea 2 GET M'd now. Sounds like your SO has some serious issues that need 2 be overcome before he/she can have a committed relationship with you.

best,
-ol' 2long

Wow. You just got the greatest heads-up you could ever have hoped for. My TBXW had an affair during our engagement and I didn't find out till almost 8 years later. If I'd known then what I know now, the wedding would not have happened.

It's heartbreaking, and a hell of a kick to the gut, no doubt about it. But you can also look on it as saving you much greater heartbreak down the road. From my limited perspective, infidelity that happens after the cheater has sworn vows cuts even deeper, or if not, at least cuts on more levels. If sworn vows are not enough to keep a partner faithful, what will be? In my case, TBXW's affairs after the wedding led me to question my own worth: what was wrong with me that I wasn't worth keeping her vows for?

I've since realized that this is very assailable logic, as you well know, many thoughts go through your head after you've been cheated on.

Anyway, you've been handed an opportunity to get out before you've made a commitment to him. Advising you to kick him to the curb isn't really MB-compatible, so instead I'll advise you to think VERY carefully about committing to him. Your heart's already broken, so don't trust it -- trust your gut.

if he doesnt see it as leaving you or a problem he has---RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CD,

You are right to be questioning your SO actions.I would say don't get married right now or even soon.This infidelity is a big red flag waving that needs to be addressed.If you both desire to remain together and work out these issues first then that means counseling and for a long while before ever considering marriage to this OP.

Can you give us a little more background: ages,childrens ages,how long together,how long was SO married,when were the DDay's(discovery of infidelity),etc,etc.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cut's deep:
<strong> My SO and I have had our share of trouble. We come from very different life experiences. I'm divorced, my SO has never been married. I have children, obviously my SO does not. We are not young adults. We have been seeing each other for over two years. Twice I have discovered involvement with another person - cheating - infidelity whatever you want to call it. The first time we desired to reconcile and work on issues. Promises were made. The second time cut's a bit deeper. Promises were broken. Now I'm not so sure. I feel as though if this can occur before marriage, what is to keep it from happening after marriage? But am I a fool to even attempt to rebuild trust? The vision I have of "the discovery" haunts me every day. I'm in a state of limbo. I have no desire to be intimate. I feel violated. I certainly don't want to be hurt again. I am seriously considering ending what little is left of the relationship. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is marriage material?? Why in the world would a FREE, thinking woman use her freedom to marry a liar and a cheat? I don't understand this. In some countries women have NO CHOICE about whom they marry, yet you have all the freedom you wish to make a good match. So why would you even consider for a SECOND marrying a liar and a cheater. And exposing your kids to this kind of example??

You have already seen what it will be like in the future. Why would you CHOOSE to live like that? Why would you CHOOSE to put your children through that?

Please, wake up and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Use your freedom wisely.

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 07:53 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

I rarely get to post lately, but this one hit CLOSE TO HOME...

My STBXW revealed an EA that turned PA back in Sept '01. In Oct '01 I learned from her that she had a PA with a fellow student, back from when before we were married. She thought she could "end it" with him, marry me, and be fine... it didn't work that way - she was drawn back into the PA after we were married.

So think long and hard... I believe a lot of people like this are "fatally flawed" internally - are unable to grasp the "basics" of healthy relationships. To borrow a line from Pittman, they may be great with the chemistry of relationships, but don't have a clue about the pyhsics of them.

At this point, knowing what I know, I could be really, really bitter about having "wasted" nearly 15 years tied to this person who at this point, long, long into the process, I really don't even LIKE anymore. But, it's okay - I just hate to think that someone else may end up in the same boat, spending years of healing when the truth is there's a lot of other people out there who make my STBXW look very, very sub-par.

Cut's,

Let's put the best light on this possible. IT is NOT his fault, you do NOT meet his needs, and your lifestyle is such that you cannot meet his needs. Are YOU going to change your lifestyle? Are you going to get rid of the kids?

What is going to change when you marry that will make this great guy, who you severely neglected, feel better about you and your relationship?

OK, now let's look at it in a more realistic light. He his NOT perfect. He has an eye for women and follows up on it. He is still a nice guy, he still treats you well, he is still fun to be with, he is still fun to be in the sack with. So what is going to change when you marry? How are you going to better meet his needs? How is he going to change his approach to women? What is going to change?

Now, let's look at the data. He has cheated twice, and you are not married. Now it can be argued and I have even argued this that he is not breaking any marriage vows, because you two are not married. However, the data shows, that somehow, for some reason you two are NOT a really good match. So what is going to change, and how is it going to change if neither of you know where the failure point is? His promises mean nothing, what are his actions, what are his plans?

Further, since you feel nothing for him sexually, do you suppose he might become sexually frustrated? If you think about NOT meeting needs this is a biggie, and strongly biases your marriage toward infidelity. Are you going to fix that? If so how?

Frankly, Given your opening statement "My SO and I have had our share of trouble", I think you would be a complete idiot to marry him. Marriage does NOT make relationships better. It is simply supposed to make them permenant. So if you have had your share of troubles already, and he is clearly not getting his needs met by you, and he clearly finds other women more attractive, I am asking you why you are even considering this guy.

It is not a matter of who is at fault, it is simply a matter of you two NOT FITTING. Marriage does NOT make you fit.

Please do not marry this guy. It is the best thing you could do for him AND it is the best thing you can do for yourself. Oh! and there is that last detail: your children. Why marry a man you are not happy with and bring all of that unhappiness into your children's lives?

This seems like a no brainer from what has been posted here. Please, there are men out there that will fit you better, please keep looking.

God Bless,

JL

You are worth more than a relationship with a man who is this risky as a mate.

Exit gracefully .... but exit nontheless.

Pep (my opinion was brought to you by Dannon Strawberry Yogurt)

Where do I go to learn the acronyms and how to put my information on a post without typing it every time?

how to put my information on a post without typing it every time?
Go to "My Profile" at the top of the page.
Then put the info you want in the "signature" block.

J.R. -- wow, what a similar story to mine. With TBXW for 11 years, M for 7.5 as of D-Day. Until D-Day, I knew nothing of her 1 A during the engagement and two more (that she's told me about, anyway) during the marriage.

I don't know if she's fatally flawed with respect to relationships or not. Flawed definitely, but she's supposedly trying to change her ways with the new guy in her life. Best of luck to her, and to him. They're going to need it.

And yes, I sometimes feel like I wasted those 11 years. And I agree, there are many, many other fish in the sea.

Hi RDog,

Not to thread-jack, but it does have relevance...

I didn't want to imply "fatally flawed" meant forever and for everyone - I also hope she does well in her future relationships... and I'm certain the plural applies here. (Another aspect of my story: the OM has terminal cancer... I suspect he'll hang on for several years yet, he's young - but it has spread to his lungs and other areas - so I have little doubt he will eventually die from it. Kind of puts STBXW in a difficult spot to say the least: hard to plan a future with someone you know will be gone. Want to have his kids? Expect to be raising them ALONE, my dear. Or maybe she'll have to grow up and own up to her choices for the next man - because I'd hate to think she'd gloss over her past, or cast the blame back to me even for the next guy.)

Anyhow... I also know of a case after we separated where her and OM broke up briefly... during that time she was off to find yet another OM, rather than turn back to her marriage. That in my mind told me a lot. I could never trust her again - and she has no will to be a wife. I doubt she has the will to be a wife to OM either - I suspect she distrusts marriage in general. Too bad for her. I do.

Frank Pittman in Private Lies talks about the things that contribute to the doom of almost all affairs... and even if the afairees can overcome all of the 10 or so obstacles he lists, there'll always be a final one: lack of a shared common history. It's hard to impossible for them to share a sense of "old times" free of baggage - they'll always know exactly who did what with whom... I can't imagine living like that, with that weight there between me and my partner. Thank goodness we don't have to carry that burden. They can pretend it's light - but it can't be.

As for other fish... yup, I'm going to figure that side of things out. Looking forward to it actually.

Cheers!

Wow Thank you everyone who responded to my post. Just a couple things: first, most everyone says the same thing - run and don't look back.

Second, to Melodylane: you said run too, but you and your WS recovered nicely it seems. Your A happened quickly after marriage - almost like it was in the works before marriage - a known person or something. Your WS "saw the light" - changed.

That worries me about the OW because SO and OW have been long time friends. Can't stay friends. But both A1 and A2 were with same OW.

Regarding sexual attraction. I think it's normal to not want to be touched by the WSO. D Day is still new. Right now I simply see WSO holding OW and I don't see me in those arms. Time will erase my visions.

I don't know. All I can say is that I loved WSO with all my heart. I still love him, or I love the dream I had for us. We had great times when we were away from "home" I know that wasn't reality. Reality is a mortgage to pay, kids to raise, homework to do and bad grades to deal with, a job to go to and soup for dinner. If you can't be together in a loving and trusting way - find connection in the real world, then what have you got. We have a lot in common. It's just strange. We are perfectly connected when we are away. But we are hopelessly disconnected when we are at home. He always said it was my "situation." (ie XH, kids and financial stress)

WSO does not want our relationship to end. WSO wants to seek counseling. But twice with the same OW? I know I sound like an idiot. I just really thought we had it. Even after D Day #1 I was certain we could recover.

Anyway, I'll figure it out. I appreciate your comments, your wisdom and to some degree patience.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by cut's deep:
<strong>

Second, to Melodylane: you said run too, but you and your WS recovered nicely it seems. Your A happened quickly after marriage - almost like it was in the works before marriage - a known person or something. Your WS "saw the light" - changed.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There is HUGE DIFFERENCE, though. I had no idea my H was like that when I married him, YOU FULL WELL KNOW. Had I known, I would not have married him. That would be incredibly stupid.

Additionally, You have children at home, I did not. Had I had any idea what I facing before I married, you betcha I would have run for my life. Just as you should. To knowingly put your kids into a life of hell, by your OWN CHOICE, is pure folly.