Hi all! I know my problem will seem very small compared to what most are going through here, but it is still a very big problem to me. I am ready to walk out the door, over what probably seems to be something so silly and stupid, but I'ts the straw that broke the camel's back, I'm afraid.<P>My H left 2 weeks ago for a holiday to his home town. He has been doing this for a lot of years, and I have never had a problem with it, as he goes fishing, visiting his family, etc. I honestly have NEVER been bothered with this before, BUT, this time I have to admit I was a little hurt. The morning of the day he was leaving, I was packing him some food to take along, and he asked me what was wrong. I was going to give my typical response of "nothing" but thought better of it, so I told him that I was very hurt. Not for the fact that he was going away alone, but I had hoped that we would also have planned a vacation for the two of us, seeing our 35th. anniversary is coming up next month. <P>He ended up turning the entire thing around, saying that if I had not wanted him to go, then I should have told him sooner. THAT was not my point. One thing led to another, and he told me that yes, we could go on a vacation, providing I pay HALF of it. Major kick in the [censored]!! He left to do errands, and 3 hours, and 40 minutes, comes back home. He explained that the chores had kept him longer than he had expected. BTW, at this point, I have to tell you that NO, there is no way he was with anyone else during that time period. <P>He told me that when he had left, HE had been very disappointed. (Sure, turn it around on me, as usual.) So, I let him know that from now on, if he wanted to know what my problems are, don't ask until you want the truth. No more of this avoidance! After I ranted and raved in the driveway, he goes to the truck, and brings me a dozen long stemmed roses. Of course, it was a nice touch, but I still couldn't hide the fact that I was hurt.<P>He leaves, on good terms, and calls me each day with his progress report, the I love yous, I miss you, all the good things. Last night, he had to get a boat to get him from the island, and I had reminded him every time that I had spoken to him, not to forget to get the grandchildren something from the boat terminal. He promised me faithfully, that he would.<P>Spoke to him this morning. When I asked him what he got the little ones, he went into a big song and dance about how expensive the hats, and the t shirts were, etc. so he didn't bother. I agreed, but after thinking about it for awhile, I called him back, and asked him to stop into a Wal Mart near where he was, and get them something, anything, with the town name on it.<P>You know how they are? What did you get me, Grandpa? (the 2 boys are 6, and the girls are 3 and 2.) This is the straw that might not have broken the camel;s back, but it sure as hell broken mine!!! He told me that Wal Mart does not have a souveneir section, as he had already been to the store, near the town where he had stayed. When I asked him what he had been doing there, he told me that he had bought his cousin's granddaughter an outfit. He told me he really had no choice, after all, he had been to his cousin's daughter's house for dinner one night. I didn't have time to reply, before he told me that it was okay, as he got colouring books for our grandchildren, from the boat. The damned things were FREE!! It ocurred to me later, that he could have gotten a free colouring book for his cousin's granddaughter on the boat trip over, but, I guess he didn't want to look cheap!! I told him to get his [censored] into the nearest store, and pick up our grandchildren a hat and shirt, and I don't give a damn whats on them!!! He did agree, and that is how it was left.<P>This is just the icing on the cake. I put up with him trying to be the "good guy" in front of everyone else, and I am getting sick and tired of him not putting his family first. What gets me is that when he gives the kids their gifts, they'll be all over grandpa like he's this thoughtful, generous man (whom they adore, and he them) and he'll again come up smelling like a rose! <P>This is just the last in a long line of thoughtless, inappropriate deeds he has done, and I have overlooked, trying to save this marriage. I am so hurt right now, to think that cheap SOB could even think that a colouring book would be good enough for our grandchildren, when it was not good enough for his cousin's. <P>Should I "just live with it" or should I bring it up at counselling tomorrow? I know I am sounding overly sensitive, but, those of you with grandchildren, will know where I am coming from. Help, I need some advice now, as he will be here first thing tomorrow morning. <P>P.S. Yes, I am the "Success Story" who posted two weeks ago. I haven't have a decent night's sleep since he left, BUT, I still think he is one CHEAP SOB!!!! In case you're wondering, NO, he would not have told me about buying the outfit, had I not told him to go Wal Mart. Geez, maybe I can pack the colouring books, to use for arts & crafts, when I have myself committed!!!<P><p>[This message has been edited by why me (edited September 15, 1999).]

I don't know if I'm thinking along your lines, but cheap to me is the same as greed and selfishness.<P>Go ahead and bring this up in counseling. You might just learn how to communicate and for him to listen to your perspective. I don't think he is doing this to disregard you or your family, he is probably just so self absorbed.

You need to bring these issues up on counseling with him. He needs to know how he is perceived and how it hurts you. The deal about paying half for the vacation -- where did that come from?? I'm so sorry you are feeling so down.

Thanks for your responses. I agree that he is self absorbed and selfish, and I fully intend to bring it up tomorrow.<P>Stonehenge: You're right. You DON'T know anything about my success story. Right now you are going through about the same as I was, a year ago, at this time. Like you, I used to wish I would get a kind word, and a gentle hug, and with lots of patience, on my part, we managed to pull things back together.<P>This cheapness may sound petty to you, but that is how things started out last year, and I will NOT let things go that route again. The purpose of going to counselling, is to have the best marriage that we can possibly have, to communicate with one another, and to give everything of ourselves to one another. We should be on an even level with each other. Yes, it was wonderful for him to bring me roses, BUT, that was because of his inappropriate behaviour before he went out. <P>I would much rather have had him sit down and discuss my feelings rationally, and actually hear what I was saying, than a bouquet of flowers. The flowers have died, and have long been discarded. Kinder words from him would still be with me now, and for many years to come.<P>I am sorry for what you are going through, I have been there, but part of the healing process is that we learn to communicate with one another, and right now, he is just not cutting it!!<P><P>------------------<BR><BR>SUCCESS STORY<P>

why me - Boy, your H really does sound like my W in the kinds of tactics he uses, especially turning things around on you like that. (I can't raise any issue or concern that sounds the least bit critical of her without her doing this, while she's critical of me all the time!) It does sound, though, like you're beginning to make your marriage work more smoothly. I think you handled the vacation incidents as well as you could. Press the guy to do his share. You are a success story, no two ways about it. But your H (like my W again) still needs to learn the value of kind words. I hope very much that he does. My thoughts are with you,<P>--Wex