I sent an email to my mom venting, this is what she wrote back to me, I'm very confused by it. Would like some interpretation pleeeease =)
Army.... yes, I would complain and I would point out that the rumors are running rampant due to their lack of discretion. Rumors that are getting back to your husband and complicating the situation further. It was absolutely not necessary for them to handle things this way. You have a valid complaint and I would certainly take it as far up the food chain as you have to. What they have done is inexcusable. My take on that is.............. it was done because they ( those in charge ) want you to leave. It would make their life easier if they don't have to deal with this and most of them probably have the opinion that [H] would be better off without you. They see you as holding him back and are hoping that the peer pressure will cause him to file for divorce or for you to leave. This is about the Army higher ups telling all the couples of the company what I did, when they had no right.
Counceling.... you go whether [H] goes or not. You need to do some exploring, so does [H] but you can't force that, you can only make the most of it for yourself. You need to alter your focus to dealing with the first incident and getting yourself healed from that. There is no working on the marriage if [H] is in the frame of mind that he is in. Work on healing yourself while you have access to a good councelor.
Now that the company has been informed factually or not about what happened it will be harder for [H] to maintain some equilibrium. Even if he can't stand up for you... he should at least be willing to set the record straight as to what happened in both situations that you are dealing with. If he has any character at all, facts and truth should be important. He most likely does not want to suffer the humiliation of being associated with you just as the other couples don't, so he will go with the flow and whatever anyone says will be ok with him. He is not concerned if they are fake towards you. He is not concerned if you have no friends. He doesn't care.... this has become all about him and he is enjoying the attention.
What is happening is why the wayward spouse doesn't stay. If you weren't so young you would have been more aware that this would happen. An army company is not unlike a high school... news travels fast. You won't be able to start over until you are free of the judgements of the people who know your past. Based on what you have told me.... [my name], truthfully, I don't see much hope. I would bet my bottom dollar right now that the only reason you are still there is because [H] wants to maintain an apartment, most likely so he can entertain his friends with his big screen tv and video games and maybe have his own space. If you leave, he will be assigned to the barracks and that is the last thing he wants for the next two years and 5 months. I think he has made his decision and he is giving you mumbo jumbo in order to keep the status quo. That has always been something very important to him. That may be his long term goal.... learn to tolerate you being around until his tour in Japan is over. Once back in the United States, he will have enough rank to live off base himself, and you will be gone. I don't care whether it has been a month or a year... the motives driving him to keep you there have nothing to do with healing your marriage and his motives are not going to change. Even if I am wrong about the apartment, I am not wrong about the fact that his motives have nothing to do with his marriage. If his marriage hasn't been the priority from the get go.... saving it is not going to happen. I don't care what excuses he makes or that you make for him. What you said in your letter was lame at best.
As far as you are concerned.... you can at any time choose how you want to live your life and live it that way. If you feel you have no character, develope some. If you feel you have no morals, adopt some and start living by them. If you feel you haven't accomplished anything, set a goal and achieve it. You and you alone decide how, you as a person, is going to live your life. Everyone has good qualities. Yours have gotten lost because instead of living to, and developing your strengths, you have chosen to live to, and succumb to your weaknesses. You started young surrounding yourself with people of questionable character and you lived down to their standards instead of living up to your own. It is a choice and you can choose to change it. Once again I see in your letter where you are choosing to accept the judgement of others and their opinion of you as law. Ya know how many of those people will be in your life forever..... none. They are mearly a ship passing in the night through your life. What they think doesn't matter but of course I understand that how they treat you hurts. If you can find nothing in yourself to be proud of... you have to start living to change your opinion of yourself. I believe Dr. Phil refers to it as inner dialogue... what you are saying to, and about, yourself.
Bottom line.... I think your father pegged it correctly when I talked to him the other night. He said " the best thing for her to do is get out of there." He meant permanently. I know you don't want to hear this but if I were you I would tell [H] to file for divorce so the army will send you back. It won't be easy and your father and I aren't in a position any longer to make it easy. Our focus has taken a turn to retirement as you were married and on your own and would no longer be requiring the same degree of financial support as you did before. We didn't plan for this. You will have to get a job and find your own place quickly. The job will have to come first as transportation will be an issue so you will have to live close to where you work. One nice thing about Florida is alot of people ride bikes to work and that is fine because of the climate. Difficult, yes, but millions of people have done it before you and one thing I know it will do for you is build your self esteem and character. Adversity is responsible for many success stories.
Like I said before... probably not what you want to hear and I am sorry for bringing you down but I call em like I see em. Like I said in my email..... I have put it out there.... you are free to do with it what you want. Use it or ignore it. I love you no matter what and still want what is best for you. Right now, where you are at does not seem what is best for you.
I saw a huge controdiction here, she tries to tell me how to stay strong, then she tells me to give up. Does she see this is not helping? Please help me see this email a different way =(
