My husband and I have been married for only one year but have been together for eight years prior. We have no children. I found out at the end of Jan that H was having a EA with girl at work. Says he loves her and me also. He has decided that it was no longer fair to live with me while still seeing her. He cannot give her up so he has decided to move in with her (this Friday).

So far only close mutual friends know about the EA. We plan on telling family this weekend (after he is moved out). H and OW have a plan for telling co-workers. It infuriates me that they "have a plan." First telling close co-workers and friends and then letting it spread through the grapevine to others. They have no intention of keeping this secret from anyone. He feels guilt and shame that it happened this way but they want to begin their life together.

My question is this: Should I "beat them to it" and start telling their friends and coworkers before they do. Will this help? Also, they plan on telling her H (they are separated) and her family - should I still contact them? I just don't want to cause myself any additional pain if it is not worthwhile.

He's moving in with OW ...

This is a PA .... sorry. You're not getting the entire truth from him.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I think you should Plan A your hiney off right now.

Once he moves, think about Plan B.
Pep

Yes. Expose the affair. You will regret not doing it. If they expose it first it will be from their foggy pt of view. He needs to see the reality of the situation not perpetuate a lie to everyone you know.

JGNC

I agree that you need to expose the affair right now. I would start with his family because if there is anyone who could/would/can talk sense into a wayward husband, I would hope it would be the people that know him best - his family. Hopefully, he has a good relationship with them.

Also, the more people hear it from you first - in a controlled, facts only way, it may take the "shine" off of their version.

I wish you good luck. I know how hard this is. It really sucks.

I will keep you in my prayers.

<small>[ February 26, 2004, 06:40 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

Thanks for the advice. I know that I have to expose it...it is just really embarassing to have to contact all his friends and associates (who I don't know very well) and get them involved. Right now, nothing anybody says to him makes a difference. He say's he is sick of people trying to talk sense into him, when they are not telling him anything that he has not already thought of himself and been agonizing over for weeks.

I have another big question...should I contact the OW? I feel like I want to, but I don't know what it will accomplish. I know that both my H and OW feel very very guilty about the situation and that she knows she is the cause of our impending separation. My H has also said that he will be very very angry at me if I contact her and will not speak to me. Big surprise. But it would be a BIG LB. I mean, it won't change either of their minds (they are both addicted), so is it worth risking his extreme anger? I do know that it would make her feel ashamed and guilty and may add some friction to their world but it will add tons of friction to my world. Advice?

I have another big question...should I contact the OW? I feel like I want to, but I don't know what it will accomplish.

Not without a very clear, specific plan and a very solid intent or purpose.

It will not make the A stop.

It might bring them together with you as a common "foe".

It will not make you feel better for more than 2 days.

She knows she is an adulteress. He knows he's and adulteror. Their consciences are well defended by rosy justifications and the sense of entitlement.

There may come a time. But .... doing this now really has an unlikely outcome.

Why not give Penny Tuppy a call? Cerri on MB. She's terrific and can guid you in ways that have proven to be effective.

Regards,

Pep