*** Situation*** My W and I separated for 4 weeks now, 2 1/2 year old daughter, W is living with her parents and we have been going to counseling from the start. I made my share of mistakes in the relationship with my lack of affection, hurtful words and trying to control her concerning the house, bills and so on. She has recently opened up to me and we have been hanging out somewhat. She tells she loves me and is willing to give me the good bye kiss when I leave to go home. She still says she can't give me anything right now and does not know if we can work out. Our daughter is fine and the finances are in tact for now.

Okay, I need some very strong advice on my situation. I recently snooped in the cell phone bill and found about 30 calls to a guy at work since we split. She has told me she went out with him once for dinner then to meet other co workers for drinks. She has since then seen him again and told him she can't see him until she decides about us, but has continued to talk to him on the phone. She claims mostly about work stuff, but there is also a connection there in my eyes. She was understandably upset for me snooping but I needed to be sure.

So I must admit my wife is having an EA with a co-worker. She has said they are just friends and someone she can talk to. They did go out. I asked her to talk to her mother and get her advice, but she said her mother is to religious and would be swayed in her opinion. I said if she was doing nothing wrong, then she should be able to talk to her.

My question is how do I expose what she is doing? How do I not look like I am not invading her privacy and misplacing my trust in her? I want her family to know, but I don't want to have my W mad that I told them.

What can I do?

Learningtocope,

No one has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back. What she does is absolutely always your business, especially her relationship with another man. So don't you even feel a second's guilt about snooping. You have a responsiblity to protect yourself if she is withholding pertinent facts about your life.

Secondly, in order to hasten the death of this affair you must expose it. By exposing it you may also prevent it from advancing to a higher level.

And yes, she will be angry when you expose her, but that is ok. It is a short term lovebuster for a long term gain. However, if you stay silent, you are only aiding and abetting her affair and gain nothing. You have to do ANYTHING to end the affair.

So, I would suggest doing this all in one fell swoop. Notify everyone you are going to notify AT ONCE so there will be no forewarning. For example, you should also notify his wife if he is married. [you need to find this out!] And possibly his workplace.

If you just do it drips and drabs you will only give them time to get to the pertinent people beforehand and portray you as an angry nut. It is because of that that you shouldn't tell your WS you are going to do this.

In the meantime, please rush to the bookstore and get the book Surviving an Affair. Read everything you can on this website about Plan A and Plan B.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by learning_to_cope:
<strong> How do I not look like I am not invading her privacy and misplacing my trust in her? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just wanted to respond to this statement. You shouldn't trust her, she is untrustworthy. That would be crazy. And you should invade her "privacy" as much as you can, especially since she is withholding information from you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Just wanted to respond to this statement. You shouldn't trust her, she is untrustworthy. That would be crazy. And you should invade her "privacy" as much as you can, especially since she is withholding information from you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But how do I do it in a way that we can maybe both speak to freinds and family to bring it in the open. We are a t alow point and if I keep doing things that are LB's, then it is defeating the purpose of us working together on issues. right?

Hi LTC, first of all an EA is a big deal. It is a betrayal of trust. My H has been having one for over 10 months and it has devastated me and he wants to leave me.

Second, follow Melody's advice. You must expose it. When I first found out about my H's EA, I wanted to call the OW's H, but I didn't because I thought it may not have been as serious as I thought. I wish I had because it continued after my discovery. In fact it grew stronger because every time we fought, it justified what he was doing.

5 months after my initial discovery, I found out it had continued and I talked to the OWH. He said he wished I had called him then. He had found out a few months before I found out that it was continuing. They are separated and getting divorced. My H wants to leave me. If one of us had exposed sooner, we may not be in the situations we are now.

Good luck and get advice from the old timers here. They are one of my sources of strength.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But how do I do it in a way that we can maybe both speak to freinds and family to bring it in the open. We are a t alow point and if I keep doing things that are LB's, then it is defeating the purpose of us working together on issues. right? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You don't do it in a way that you can both tell your friends, she isn't going to bust herself and has already told you she isn't going to tell her mother. That is unrealistic.

Unless she is willing to end her affair now, you can see for yourself that she is not going to be complicit in any plan to expose her affair. That is just not how this works. If she were willing to bust herself, she would be willing to end the affair and there would be NO REASON for exposure.

She is not working with you on any issues, you can see that. That is the point of exposure. She won't work with you until this affair is over and recovery STARTS. Recovery has not started and will not start until this affair is over. That is why you expose. To hasten the end of the affair.

The affair will continue unless you expose it. You will continue to be at a low point until that happens.

That is why Harley recommends doing everything short of taking out a billboard to expose the affair. Expose, expose, expose.

But get it done in one fell swoop so that the WS and the OM can't forewarn people and so you can handle it as ONE lovebuster instead of several.

<small>[ February 27, 2004, 10:05 AM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Learning, I should also point out that Plan A does NOT MEAN that you go with anything to placate the WS. The point of Plan A is to END THE AFFAIR, not to placate the WS at any cost. It does not mean that you just let the WS get away with murder. That would be destructive. And it is destructive to help her hide her affair.

I agree you should not feel guilty about snooping. I discovered my W was having an EA with someone at church and after getting confirmation went to our minister, who then told OM that the EA was exposed. I did not get phone records until later and then learned it was going on for 4+ months and her records showed over 500 received or dialed calls. Many were leaving messages, but it was a lot of dialing. Get your facts and trust your instincts.