Hi all,
I've been off the boards for about a week trying to focus on my marriage and family but I can't do it without all of you so I'm back.
Long story short, my H has been having an A with his boss. Started out as an EA (true date unknown) and turned into a PA sometime in Oct? D-day was Feb 8th (the day after our daughter turned one). My H and I moved in late Oct about 200 miles from OW (when he says PA started...they couldn't deal with losing their close friendship so they 'bonded' even more). They see each other only on business trips (8 over the last 4 months) but email and phone regularly (she is his boss so this is necessary).
H told me that he ended the A and only has 'business' contact with her now. I've expressed my feelings about this and he says he asked to be transferred from under her (truth? I don't know). Recently I've asked him to look for another job. His current job puts us in a very secure position financially but, to me, that is not worth my marriage. He said he will begin an active job search (truth? I don't know).
Since my H admitted to the A we have both been trying to fill the others LB. I am struggling with visions of them together and I've read probably too many emails so their words are constantly in my head but I am doing my best to continue to meet his EN. He has stopped 'working' so much at night on the computer (his way to contact her so how much work was he doing?), 'calling into work' (checking for a voice mail from her), spending more time with me and our family. He has told me that he wants to work things out between us and that he believes that we will be happy again. He took a week off from work (a HUGE deal since he hasn't taken a day off in over a year) saying that he needed to rebuild his family and spend time with us.
Two days ago I discovered that he has yet another email account with her and they've been instant messaging each other. I don't have all the details of what's going on as I have not accessed the account but contact is contact regardless of what it is (and I know enough that I know it's personal and not work related).
I'm devastated. I thought we were going down the right track. I thought that we were healing and that we would survive this.
The OW is married with 2 children. As I said, they are 200 miles apart. OW has no intentions of leaving her H and my H even admits that she is very 'me' oriented and probably hasn't been as 'deeply' involved as he is.
My H denies continued contact with OW. Swears up and down that it isn't happening and the lying is killing me. Why won't he just tell me the truth?
Last night we had another of our 'heart to heart' talks. I told him I didn't even want a response but told him that I know he's still talking with her and that if he can't be honest about it than we can't fix us. I pointed out that in one of their emails to each other he encouraged her to work things out with her husband and be happy (I guess the OW's H was trying to be understanding of her...he does not know about the A). I asked my husband if she'd ever done the same. Even though I asked only wanting him to think about it he sadly admitted that she has not ever done the same for him. She knows I know about the A (and by now probably knows I know they're continuing).
I believe my husband still has love for me. I believe that he knows that the happiness in his life has always come from me and our family but, for whatever reason, he can't/won't let go of her. He says he won't go to counseling because he believes it will bring up painful memories that have nothing to do with us. He keeps telling me that he will make me happy again. That we will survive this like we always have.
He was on the computer when I got home from dropping our son off at school and I asked if he contacted her. He said no. He said that he thought about writing her a 'good-bye' letter (although still insists that he's ended A and they aren't in contact) but didn't figure it was a good idea (of course, he could write it for my benefit and then just tell her in his other email account that he was just trying to get me off his back).
Can anyone help me? I am so lost as to what to do. I want to believe him but I know he is still lying (at least about her). I want to accept the positive steps he's made (time off from work, more time with me and family, etc) but knowing that he's still in contact with her personally makes it so difficult for me to put myself out on a limb and give all of myself to him and our marriage. I feel like when we're alone together we're going in the right direction but if we are then why is he still talking to her.
Please, anyone who can help me sort through this, help.
Thanks
