I just wanted to share my story (this is a long one) and get feedback...I have never been able to reveal my whole story to anyone I know for fear of being judged.
I met my now husband in May '00...we dated in person until Dec '00...he had to leave because of his career and it was an 8 hour flight to see him but we decided to have a long distance relationship. Things were fine intially...although there was a slight trust issue on my part because of the distance.
Beginning in June '02, I noticed him becoming distant and not talkative during our phone conversations. I visited him in July '03 and he was still distant and there was not very much physical contact. His caller-id on the home phone and cell phone were erased. I asked if anything was going on but he denied anything was happening.
After the visit, things still seemed off so I planned a surprise visit in Sept '02. He was very shocked to see me (it was his birthday.) The day after I arrived I discovered some shocking things (yes, I was snooping.) Many calls from another woman, calls from him to her on the cell since May '02, receipts for dinner, condoms that were not meant for me. He admitted that he had a 'friend' but denied an A...of course all the evidence indicated otherwise. In a rage I called her and of course she said they were just friends but proceeded to tell me that she didn't think our relationship would last.
To cut to the chase, he proposed the next day...I accepted (I question my decision to this day)...we were married in Nov '02...I just moved with him to his new assignment in Dec '03 so we are in an adjustment period and now I am pregnant.
My problem is that I just can't let go of the rage of being betrayed. As far as I know, he did cut out contact with her...I checked the cell bill...but they did work together in the same building until Sep '03. I don't think he continued the A since I found out about it.
But I feel he is still hiding things from me. We share a computer and he has admin rights while I only have limited access. He has 3 e-mail accounts that I don't have access to. He is a very sentimental guy and keeps meaningful e-mails. I recently found shredded e-mails from the OW. I have found out that he accesses ads for porn sites...don't know if he actually has a membership. It seems like he would rather do that than initiate physical contact with me. He does have an alcohol problem. I have mentioned attending church or MC, but he refuses.

I do love my husband dearly and want to work things out. I know this is long and drawn out but any advice or comments would be appreciated!

Pep,

1. Why should your husband attend church or MC if he does not want to change his lifestyle?
I was hoping that either attending church or MC would of course help our marriage. He is a deeply religious person having grown up Catholic and knows that he is off track.

2. Is he happy doing what he's doing?
No, he is not a happy person.

3. Has he admitted he has an alcohol problem?
Yes, he has admitted that he has a problem. I don't think that he is ready to do anything about it yet.

And thank you...I am due the first part of Sept.
-M

Originally posted by mnmbug7:


1. Why should your husband attend church or MC if he does not want to change his lifestyle?
I was hoping that either attending church or MC would of course help our marriage. He is a deeply religious person having grown up Catholic and knows that he is off track.

Why should he do either of these things without his own motivation? I realize why YOU want to do these things .... but he may not see it your way because he is not yet motivated.

What motivates a change for most of us .... discomfort ... hitting bottom..... a crisis..... a desired reward.

He knows he's off track but he is still comfortable enough to be stuck where he is.

What do you think you could do to motivate your H toward positive changes?

~~~~~~~~~ boy or girl?

Pep

Ooooh...questions that make me think. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> I know some of the problems in our marriage are caused by what I do...the fact that I bring up the A which makes him unhappy because he just wants to forget it. He knows that I try to snoop and says that I am destroying the trust that he has/had for me. The problem is that I have not been able to totally recover my trust and am very suspicious of things I feel are being hid from me.
It is very early in our marriage and I want to make things better before they get worse.

What do you think you could do to motivate your H toward positive changes?

I guess I need to stop mentioning the A and snooping. I really don't think that he will cheat again (not that I give him the opportunity.) I need to figure out how to regain my trust but it is like a vicious cycle...the more I try to snoop, the more he feels he needs to hide, the more I feel I have a reason to snoop.
I should probably take the iniative and go to church without him. Hopefully, since I am new to the area, I can find one that I can enjoy. And maybe that will motivate him to go with me.

I don't know what it is yet...hubby is military and the medical is way behind civilian...definitely only do what is necessary!

mnmbug~

Our stories are very similar. I think you can do a search of my original story. It started in Just Found Out forum.

My dh was military. I also married him, not completely trusting him. He had given me reason to to trust him. For the first two months we were married I lived in Ca and he lived in NM. I will let you read the details yourself lol... I also go pregnant a little less than 2 months after we started living together.

First, he has given you reason not to trust him. He needs to give you login and password information for all of his accounts. There is no reason why you shouldn't have access to this.

WHen I first came here, I was told to go into Plan A. Meet all of his needs. Stop Lb (lovebusters)Have you read about Plan A? Have you guys taken the ENQ? Do you know for sure his "affair" has stopped? I am no expert here, but I feel like I have been in your shoes. Upto and including the porn, dh being sentimental and keeping e-mails and so forth from ex's.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">the fact that I bring up the A which makes him unhappy because he just wants to forget it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">my dh used to say this to me all of the time. It's in the past right? Except for me it wasn't in the past. I was still dealing with it living it everyday. It's been over a year and I am just now getting to where I don't think about it everyday. Does he admit it was an affair?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He knows that I try to snoop and says that I am destroying the trust that he has/had for me. The problem is that I have not been able to totally recover my trust and am very suspicious of things I feel are being hid from me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This to me sounds like he has something to hide. You can't trust someone that doesn't deserve to be trusted. He hasn't done anything to warrant your trust.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I need to figure out how to regain my trust but it is like a vicious cycle...the more I try to snoop, the more he feels he needs to hide, the more I feel I have a reason to snoop.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can't trust him until he stops giving you reasons to mistrust him.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I should probably take the iniative and go to church without him. Hopefully, since I am new to the area, I can find one that I can enjoy. And maybe that will motivate him to go with me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">YOu should work on you. Become a better person for yourself. Hopefully he will see and follow.

There are also a couple of books you may want to read, by Harley.

Surviving and Affair
His needs Her needs
Lovebusters

Thanks for your comments NE...I read your thread. How are things going for you? Have you been able to start building trust again? Was your H willing to participate in rebuilding the marriage?
To answer your questions:

Have you read about Plan A?
No, I haven't...I just found this site today.

Have you guys taken the ENQ?
No we haven't...and I doubt we will this weekend because I just told him on the phone that I had access to his side of the computer. I found out he changed the password last night. He had suspected that I had gained access. He told me that he was very angry and it wasn't right for me to do. SO, I am sure there will be consequences when he gets home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Do you know for sure his "affair" has stopped?
The only way that it would have continued was through e-mail. I don't have access to his accounts, so there is no way of knowing for sure.

Does he admit it was an affair?
No, he does not...according to him they were just friends and nothing happened. And then he turns around and said that it would never have happened it I would have been around...of course trying to blame me. Even if it wasn't a PA, it was still an EA. But he is not acknowledging there is such a thing as a EA.

Let me know how things are going with you...I am trying to nip this in the bud before the baby gets here. Hopefully he will be willing to participate...although we have the alcohol factor that you did not mention, so I am assuming it is not a problem for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How are things going for you? Have you been able to start building trust again? Was your H willing to participate in rebuilding the marriage?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would say in the last couple weeks we have finally started working on it together. Before then, one of us would try, while the other was withdrawn, vice a versa. I am starting to build trust. But he is doing things to help that. He cancelled all e-mail addresses except for two, which I have access to. It has been a huge roller coaster ride though, he would tell me he didn't have any other accounts, I would find one, he would tell me he wasn't looking at porn, I would find it. Lately I haven't found anything.

He made a huge step towards the trust when he sent an e-mail to a female friend with his work email address. I told him I felt uncomfortable with that and he sent her an e-mail and asked her to keep all contact at the home e-mail.

I don't understand if your dh had nothing to hide why you wouldn't have access to his e-mail. You said you gained access to his side of the computer, have you been able to read his e-mail? What his reasoning for not allowing you to have access to his e-mail?

Here is the link to information about Plan A
Plan A

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I found out he changed the password last night. He had suspected that I had gained access. He told me that he was very angry and it wasn't right for me to do. SO, I am sure there will be consequences when he gets home </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what really bothers me. Why would he get angry unless he had something to hide. Do you still have access to cell phone bills?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> The only way that it would have continued was through e-mail. I don't have access to his accounts, so there is no way of knowing for sure.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So it's possible he is still having an EA. (emotional affair)My dh's was an EA.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Even if it wasn't a PA, it was still an EA. But he is not acknowledging there is such a thing as a EA.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have to find it on here, but somewhere there is an article about an EA. Anytime your spouse is allowing someone else to meet his emotinal needs it is an EA. Of course making him understand that is something totally different <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hopefully he will be willing to participate...although we have the alcohol factor that you did not mention, so I am assuming it is not a problem for you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Luckily alcohol was not a problem for us. I wouldn't even know how to begin dealing with that aspect.

I think you really need to sit down and talk with him. No lovebusting.. Using the I feel method. Are you familiar with it?

I will try to find the thread and bump it up for you. It allows you to state how you feel without lbing. It does work wonders. If he won't take the ENQ, can you at least make an educated guess at what his top EN's are and try to meet those?

Do you think you could get him here to read? Maybe even post?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">SO, I am sure there will be consequences when he gets home.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what kind of consequences?

I hate to say it but the odds are he is still continuing the EA. I will see if I can get some experts over to help you, since I am far from that point.

NE - thanks for the help so far. It is easier to tell people that you don't know about your problems because there is no judgement involved.

Do you still have access to cell phone bills?
Yes, he bought a cell phone for me and all the info is on the same bill. He has not called OW number since Sept '02, which was the 'warning call' to her that I was in town. I did get access to one of the e-mail accounts. He suspects that I did because I had to change the password on it. I haven't fessed that one up to him yet. I found 2 e-mails from a previous GF...he was the OM for her (long before we ever met), but nothing from the OW. And I conveniently deleted the e-mails from the GF so he would no longer have her address. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I know that was probably really dirty for me to do!

Do you think you could get him here to read? Maybe even post?
I really prefer that he not see this post...although he might because when I got in to his side of the computer, I realized that he was keeping tabs on me. He is not ready to deal with the alcohol issue and would be angry with me for discussing it with stangers.

what kind of consequences?
We will have a big verbal argument! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> He would never physically abuse me because he is not that type of person. In fact, when I found out about the A in Sept '02, I punched him in the chest. I am not violent, but the anguish and rage were so great at the time...I could not control myself. He has never touched me in anger.

I might have handled the whole computer access situation wrong. Instead of asking him for access to his side of the computer and for access to the e-mail, I broke into them. I will never know if he would have willingly given me access.

~~~~~And I conveniently deleted the e-mails from the GF so he would no longer have her address. I know that was probably really dirty for me to do!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh believe me, that is not that bad. I have done a lot worse.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I really prefer that he not see this post...although he might because when I got in to his side of the computer, I realized that he was keeping tabs on me. He is not ready to deal with the alcohol issue and would be angry with me for discussing it with stangers.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That is understandable. Maybe tell him beforehand so that he doesn't come here and find it on his own. Let him know in a caring way that you are concerned about his drinking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I punched him in the chest. I am not violent, but the anguish and rage were so great at the time...I could not control myself. He has never touched me in anger.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We have a lot more in commong. I have gotten so angry with my dh and unable to control. I am proud to say it hasn't been an issue in quite awhile. But I completely understand the rage and anger.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~I might have handled the whole computer access situation wrong. Instead of asking him for access to his side of the computer and for access to the e-mail, I broke into them. I will never know if he would have willingly given me access.~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ask him for access. YOu still have a right to see what's in it. How about telling him something along the lines... I feel insecure/hurt/jealous when I don't have access to your e-mail. Will you give me the information to log onto your accounts? If he says no, ask hime what could you do to make him feel comfortable giving you the information. Remember, asking is ok, demanding is a lovebuster. Also be prepared for him to say no. That is his right.(i have a hard time with being told no)

If you don't want him to read here, can you print off some of the articles, that is if he is interesting in learning about the concepts. I just kinda brought the stuff up in general conversation. Hey, I was looking around on things to make our relationship better for both of us and came across a great site. I was wondering if you would be ineresting in reading some of it? THey have some cool questionairres to help us understand each others needs better, want to take them?

I know how hard it is to talk to people youknow about the problems going on in your marriage. It seems even if you forgive your dh, they don't etc.

Hang in there.. I will be around late tonight and back again in the morning. Not around much on Sundays though.

How did last night go?

^^^^

Hey NE-
Sorry I didn't get back with you sooner. We had computer problems this weekend. Regarding what happened...I got the cold shoulder until Saturday night. He can't stay mad at me for long. He did say that he would give me the passwords...hasn't happened yet but we just got the computer fixed last night...so we will see. Other than that, nothing has been discussed. I think I will let things go for a week or so to let him get over his anger and then start trying to work on the marriage. It just depends on whether he is willing.
-M

That's ok, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I would definately be in Plan A right now if I were you. Even if he "isn't working on the marriage" Plan A will allow you to meet his needs and show him he wants to work on the marriage.

I would also try and get the books I mentioned above, His needs Her Needs and Lovebusters. You can buy them off the website here for 25% off. It's a good way to maybe get him to learn some of the concepts of the Harleys without him coming to the website..

Well, I asked him for the passwords to his e-mail accounts and he refused to give them to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

When you asked for the passwords, was it a respectful request and not a demand?

What reason(s), if any, did he give for not wanting to share the passwords with you?

Neverending is right on the money with what she's been saying. You don't trust your H because he hasn't earned your trust. It's easy for him to say "forget it already!" and sure that's what he wants because it's easy - especially for him. But it doesn't fix anything. It's like driving with a flat. It's easier than changing the tire but it does no good in the long run.

No, I did not demand he give me the password. After we had the blow out this past weekend, he said that if I had asked for the password, he would have given it to me. So I asked for it this morning. He said he thought that we were past this. I wrote him an e-mail explaining why I would like to have the password and this is his reply:

'no i dont, and i am getting really really tired of this. you probally already broke into my main account again.
i dont know how much more of this i can take. it is really affecting me here at work and my work progress
along with home and home matters. im pissed off again and not thinking clearly here at work. tks'

So he did not understand my reasons for wanting the password. I am just really tired right now. I ordered 'His Needs, Her Needs' and 'Lovebusters.' I will wait for them to arrive and read them before I say anything else. I am sure I will have to endure the cold shoulder until he decides to forget about it and not address any issues with me.

Don't give up hope, ok....the books will be a good start for the BOTH of you.


Your husband sounds angry? Has he been like this for a while, or just over this email issue?

He gets angry when I try to deal with the issues in our marriage. If I don't bring things up, he is content not to recognize that improvements need to be made in order for BOTH of us to be happy.
Thanks - M

I could be wrong, and I am only getting one side of the story, but I would guess that everything is fine when you don't discuss marriage with him because then he doesn't have to answer questions, maybe possibly lying to you about what's going on.

I truly believe if he won't give you the passwords he is still having an EA with someone. Of course, you know your dh best.I really don't even know where to go from here. Can you get into counseling?

Sorry I haven't been around much, but this has been dh's days off and I am in crisis with my children... I will be around again soon I promise!