H had AH from 1/03 to 10/03, he told me 1/04. I've been trying to deal since. H is busy with 2 jobs and has time for everyone but me. I'm about to give up. Married 22 years, together 26. 2 grown kids away from home since July. So alone now. ANY advice helpful. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Weloome to MB,

Sorry for your situation but please read the concepts section above. Start there and tomorrow get 2 books called: Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs both are by Dr Harley.

Do you have an MC you are comfortable with? What is your H's status regarding this A? How is he treating you? Have you both been tested for STDs?

Sorry for all the questions but you did not provide enough info. That's ok, if you start where I suggested, it will help.

take care and let us know how you are doing.

L.

Thanks for the reply...it's my first night on the forum...but several months on website. He wont do MC, but I may get one for myself this next week. I've got some names now. We are trying to make this work..he says sex was never an issue with OW. He treats me like before,but he's the one who says he wasn't happy. Hence the AH with OW at work. No contact with her since 10/03, but moody and out of sorts..that's why he finally confided the truth with me a few days before New Year's Eve. Since then, he's trying, but has no time for me. Yesterday I got 13 minutes. Tonight we went to movie and tomorrow out for our Birthdays. I asked him about some sexy lingerie for tomorrow night, but he said it had been so long since we had used "that" that he wasn't sure how he felt about it. Hurt my feelings...I wanted him to say that he'd enjoy it. There's alot here...26 years worth. I'm in good shape and turn heads...why would he say this to me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi Lostinpink

Welcome to the MB forum. You said, that you have been reading this site for quite some time, and I think that is good for you to understand many things.

Your H devotes himself to work, I can relate to this too much. My H is also a workaholic, but he is changing this days. Thank God!.

For this change to be possible for him, it has to pass 21 years (he works since he was a teenager) and an A, among many things.

Maybe I'm wrong, but your H seems to be evading working on things, that may be because, he is not used to face things (conflict avoider), or maybe because he is not having fun with you? (meeting his needs). For me it was an eye opener doing the MB questionaries, the recreational companionship I did not met very well, and well the payback from work was bigger than spending time with me. The end result? and A!. I know is more complicated than that, and there are lots of variables, I'm not simplistic but for sure that played a role in all this.

What I'm trying to tell you, is that we both had to change, saddly?? My change has to come first, by showing him he could have fun with me again and hence wanted to have time with me. Also him reading MB played a big part on the time together issue. Before he saw it as a impossition, now he understands it and he is trying to follow it the best way he can.

Also it could be, he is on the withdrawal phase of the A, you know when A ends, they withdraw from everyone in their pain, and he is devoting all his energies at work. That is a bad habit, but maybe the only way he did to detach? I'm making assumptions here. So please try to find out is all those variables play a role in your M also.

About the SF topic in your post. I'm having some serious issues with it this days... But I came to understand that first there has to be the emotional connection and the the physical one. As you described, your H is not connected with you, and you feel rejected. It takes a lot of time, patience, and hard work to reconnect. Please don't give up now, you are just at the begining of what might be a long road. I know, it's frustrating and you may think is worthless, but many people here have told me is not, it gets better and better, so I'm being patient and doing each day the best I can.

Imagine this as a pottery piece of art, that has been shattered to the floor. That piece took time to be made, now is shattered, and if you want to restore it to it's full shiny state, you have to slowly glue the pieces together, wait for them to dry, paint a bit, glue another, maybe rebuild one that can not fit anymore... You know... You can not restore a work of art which was your M in one day <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Take good care and don't give up!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lostinpink:
<strong> He treats me like before,but he's the one who says he wasn't happy. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I do think that Matilde is right in saying that he is going through withdrawal right now. Has contact ended? If contact has not ended, then he goes back to Day 1 in terms of withdrawal every time he sees her.

How and why did their relationship end?

Was he unhappy in your marriage before this happened? I would sure find out why and see if there were unmet needs that led to his vulnerability to an affair. Often, affairs happen when the spouse is not getting their needs met at home. That is NEVER an excuse but it needs to be explored so you can start meeting those needs.

What has your marriage been like the past 10 years? Does your H feel loved and admired by you?

HAve you read about the Marriage Builders principles? It is a very critical time in your marriage right now so it would be best to avoid any lovebusters and to try your best to meet his needs. Please read this: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

I would also suggest getting the books Surviving an Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. They can lead you through this dangerous time.

P.S. There is no reason to give up, either! There are some things you could do to improve the situation, but it otherwise sounds like a classic withdrawal from an affair. He is just coming out of the fog and has somehow become emotionally detached from you over the years. The key is to build your relationship back up by meeting his needs and waiting until the fog wears off.

Matilde, I liked your analogy of comparing our damaged relationships to a broken piece of pottery.

And we, as the BS, have to be SO CAREFUL not to LB and send that beginning repared piece of pottery crashing to the floor to be re-mended again!

Likewise, the WS has to be WILLING and WANTING for the pieces to be glued back together.
They need to do their part!

Yup, marriages are fragile things, and we often take them so for granted; we think there are no flaws and they will always be solid.
Not so.
BUT the broken & mended 'vase' can be more beautiful than before; myself and many can tell you that is true!
Love, Julie

Thanks everyone for your help. It has been a very lonely journey since Christmas when I found out about the OW. But, he had been acting very odd since June. That is when they realized they had a thing for each other. In Nov. they broke it off because he said he could never leave me and she had other men interested in her and her in them. So, there is supposedly no contact at all between them...it was just "easier that way". So, I go back in my mind to try to figure out the whats and hows of it all. We have been very happy over the years...the "perfect" couple. Even been called Barbie and Ken. We are both very none confrontational people and Christians. I had guessed everything in the world that could have been wrong with him...never did I suspect A, as he was such a devout Christian. So, once I got around that, I've been working every day to make life good for H. We just had lost most of our communication with each other because we never called each other during the day and we do work together at night, but not where we have much contact. Our time to discuss our issues are limited and when we do talk about them, we both get teary and we both hate that. Anyway...we've been talking alot more. We had been going out on a date every weekend before, but never talked about "us", but mostly about work. Now we talk ALOT about us and how to make things better. We both think things are getting better, but there are alot of days when I get my feelings hurt and we still don't spend more than 20 minutes on the phone each day and 15 minutes together at night. Some days he has nothing to talk about, which feels awkward. I do try to give him all my attention at these times. The SF is good, was even better while the A was going on. Our SL had gotten stale,but was still regular. But, mostly I'm getting really tired of waiting for him to get better. He says he was happy before, but wants us to have that "infatuation" feeling that he had with OW. That this is what he's having trouble letting go of. But, how can we get any element of "that" feeling when we don't see each other during the week and have only Fri and Sat. nights and Sundays. Sundays he's soooo moody he'll go for walks alone or read and shuts me out. This past weekend was our b'days...he's extremely bothered by being 52 and loosing his athletic abilities (needs 2 knee replacements). This also contributes...but I constantly tell him how great he looks and how sexy. One time when I complimented him he said that compliments from others just mean more. That hurt. Give me some ideas of what I can do to make him want to spend more time with me and less at his job or with his job friends. Again thanks for your time and advice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Things seem better, but then I get really down because it isn't happening very fast and then he says something to hurt my feelings. I get upset when he wont come home to be with me Monday-Thursday because he's helping others and hanging out. When he does get home it is sooo late that he only has time to eat a small snack and then go to bed. So...I resent this especially when he's the one who got unhappy about our situation. I've tried to hang around with them at work idea...but it is just too long and boring for me...nothing to do and he still doesn't talk to me that much when I do hang around as he's helping others. Any ideas are welcomed. BTW-I took EN questionaire and gave him a copy to do, but he wouldn't fill it out. Same with LB questionaire...H doesn't believe in depression, depression meds, or therapists. I know it's too early to give up, but my heart is telling me it's not going to get better and I'm very lonely.

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 12:17 AM: Message edited by: Lostinpink ]</small>

lost, you've received some magnificent advise here. I just wanted to add on to it, if you don't mind.

Keep in mind ALWAYS that recovery is a MAJOR rollercoaster ride. You'll go through periods of time that are the pits, just rock bottom when life doesn't seem like it can get any worse. Then there will be other times, when you're at one of those peaks, and you look down and you get a glimpse of everything below you and you're enlightened and encouraged.

I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself that this is a process that can't be rushed.

If you get a chance, stop by the Recovery area of the forums and check out the thread about the stupid things WS's said to their BS's after dday. This is not only a good laugh, but it's also pretty interesting to see/hear how "the fog" can affect people's thinking.

Don't lose hope, it's doable!! You'll be ok! Just keep coming on here and seeking advise and reading the MB.com website.

Check out the book Not Just Friends if you get a chance. It's VERY christian oriented and many people have enjoyed it and learned very much from it.

Take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wondrme

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 01:32 AM: Message edited by: Wondrme ]</small>

Wondrme,

Thanks for the words of wisdom. Looks like I have alot of reading to do. We had a good weekend and a good talk today via phone. I'm trying to keep my chin up and stay in a good mood. It's pretty easy to do after the weekend, but by Friday I've been alone soooo much that I get alot of negativity going. Plus, I'm thinking the worst. You all have been a big help and I already feel like I have a support group. THANK YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />