My Dearest Husband:

I am so sorry for upsetting you and making you angry at me. I did nothing intentional. I know you do not believe that as you said last night, but I swear on the life of little ****** **** (our kitty) that it is the truth.

I know you are mad that your extramarital affair with ****** was "outted" to your family. I am sorry, but those people love you very much and I asked them to please help you through your depression over our situation. It is obvious that my love for you alone wasn't helping you feel better about yourself. Please know your family wants to try to help you any way they can. If you would've read the "Surviving An Affair" book that I bought you, you would know that extramarital affairs need to be told to everyone in a person's family to stop the destructive actions that you were engaging in.

I left an apology message on our home phone and your cell phone. I wanted to make sure you got them. I will not contact you again, unless it is an emergency. A true emergency as you would define one. :-)

Please remember and know that I still have as much love for you as the day we took our sacred vows as man and wife. Please take care of your health and look in the mirror and say to yourself "I am loved" and "I am worth it".

I only ask that you do not forget me or hate me. I will always come home to you if you were to ask. I can only pray that you will forgive me and not shut me out of your heart forever.

All My Love -
*****
Your Loving, Faithful Wife


I sent this email on February 16, 2004. He has signed on to our internet provider since I sent it but hasn't read this email (I can check the status).

I did in fact call him to tell him of the possible breast cancer situation I am going through right now, but other than than, nothing.

I thought this email was simple and to the point.

What do you guys think???

I thought the e-mail was very nice.

Why don't you just HAND WRITE it (not type)
and send it to him in a 'snail mail' letter.

Put some pretty shiny heart stickers on it and write just what you said; then delete the e-mail.
Love, Julie

People get all bent out of shape when you expose their affairs. There's nothing wrong with saying you're sorry that their feelings were hurt.... but don't go further than that in your apology. YOU didn't do anything wrong. It's unfortunate that he did, but that's beside the point.

Given that, I wouldn't worry about the fact that he hasn't read your e-mail. I've spent a lot of time in the last year learning that people's anger is not a reason to panic and cower and decide I've done everything wrong. It's a reason to understand that I've touched the core of something that feels very threatening to them.

And when it's the fantasy known as adultery, I don't worry about threatening it even a little bit. Reality's better.

I agree with Just J. Keep reading and posting here. We have all been through the same thing. All WS's are very angry when exposed. But it is necessary to put some light on their hidden fantasy world.

Is this a plan B letter? If so, you left out the part about your requirements for his return as your H.

The letter content is quite good. You presented it in a loving and non-threatening manner. However be prepared that the fog will see all sorts of other words and feelings not visible to the rest of the sane world. Don't let that doubt your sanity or cloud your judegment.

U did fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Now what are your boundaries?

L.

I appreciate and agree with all of your responses. I had told my husband since the discovery of his affair that I wouldn't tell his family about it (although I know his sister knows about it because they are super close and he has made tons of phone calls and visited her - she lives in an adjacent state 3 hours away - quite a few times during the affair and since the death of it) because they think he is the most wonderful thing to ever walk the earth and I didn't want to destroy his image to them. I actually thought that of his also, but not anymore. I realize he is just as weak as anyone else.

But, a couple of weeks ago I called his brother and parents to tell them I was sorry for anything I've ever done in the past to make them feel like I didn't love them. I never did anything to hurt their feelings intentionally. They are just super open and I wasn't raised like that. My family is very dysfunctional and I wasn't used to being around a "real" family who actually enjoyed spending time together for no reason at all - just the togetherness of it. Now, of course, I realize the error of my ways and I am paying for it dearly.

Anyway, when I was speaking with his mom a couple of weeks ago she told me that my husband told her the reason he wanted to separate from me was that he wanted to have children and I didn't and we had too many differences of opinion on too many things. She also told me he refused to go into any details about anything when he visited them lat month. I almost fainted when she told me that. She was hurt because she thought I didn't want to have children because my husband has a mentally challenged aunt and I was afraid to have children with the same problem. Also, she had a miscarriage and so did some other women impregnated by ****** men. I told her I wanted children with her son so badly and he told me this past summer that he had changed his mind about children with me. I also told her I had been to my OB/GYN to have genetic testing and I was fine. I told her how I had an appointment with the top fertility center in our area. My husband needed bloodwork for the genetic testing and he wouldn't go for it. Also, I asked him if he would submit to a simple sperm count before I would have to go through anything painful and invasive and he said no because he thought if it was found out that he couldn't produce children, there would be resentment and it was better to just not know.

So anyway, I told her of his affair. She was shocked because she said she didn't know and that my husband never mentioned it. I also told her my husband's OW is pregnant and the timing is so close to the end of their affair - literally days, DAYS - that me and everyone else around here is wondering if this child is my husband's, the OW's fiance's or another married man she was screwing during this time. She had no idea and she said she was very sorry to hear that. Now, my husband's parents are the very picture of a happy couple who have been married forever and were each other's first loves. They come from a place where this stuff doesn't happen that often and they don't know anyone personally involved in affairs and deception like this.

My husband freaked out on the phone later that night when his brother (whom I also told everything since he asked what was really going on with my husband and me because he said my husband wasn't giving him the "real" dirt)called him (and so did his parents) and told him what I had said. I also called his sister that night to apologize to her for anything in the past, but first she was at the next door neighbors and when I called back, the answering machine picked up (I know they did that on purpose because apparently the phone lines were burning up across the country with what I had disclosed to his parents and his brother) and I left a message for her to please call me and to please call her brother and let him know how much he's loved because he's going through a lot right now. To this day she's never called me back.

My husband told me I was sick and evil for what I told his parents and brother. Especially the part about the OW being pregnant and the possibility it could be his as well as others. By the way, to this day he still denies he ever had sexual intercourse with the OW - LOL. He asked me if I had the guest list from our wedding so I could call the rest of his family and tell them, too. I told him I didn't because it is on my computer in our home office which is still at our home. He told me to never contact him again and he would help me get "help". He said he was considering filing a police report about what I had done to his family. I told him to go ahead because I did absolutely nothing wrong, I simply told the truth to people he was more than willing to deceive. He also told me to not come to my home or contact him for any reason. He also said that he know our situation would get "dirty" and now it is here.

So, that is why I sent the above email to him. I did make contact with him a few days ago when I had to tell him of my possible breast cancer situation. I told him I wasn't looking for any sympathy, I just wanted him to hear it from me first. But, last night I was feeling so damn scared and anxious about the testing I am to have this week that I called him on his cell phone (no answer, of course), called his work and was told he was off (not a regularly scheduled night off), called our home and left a message as to how I was feeling and I wanted to talk to him about it because no one understands and he is (was) the most level headed person I know and he knows how to calm me down. I then called him cell phone again and his voicemail picked up and I left the same message as the home phone. I have a feeling he went to his sister's for the weekend (his regular days off are Sunday and Monday) or he was on a date. I asked him to please call me sometime today. I am pretty sure I won't hear from him at all.

Anyway, to answer Orchid, no, this isn't a Plan B letter. His affair has been over since October 20th and although they still work together, she hates his guts because he has denied any sexual intercourse with her after she admitted it to her fiance and essentially risked her relationship with him, too. But, they are staying together and will be married after the baby is born if it is in fact the fiance's. I was Plan A'ing my husband every second I could and he just wasn't responding. I will not give up. I don't think the time is right for ME to go into no contact just yet. I still think there is some glimmer of hope that he will come out of this frigging fog and see the mess that's been created.

I do know he contacted a local divorce center on the 17th of February. I am not sure what happened with that but I am petrified. In our state, you cannot file for divorce until you have been separated for 18 months, or haven't had overnights together or sexual relations. Our last night spent together was February 14th, so the timing would have to start all over from there. He told me he didn't care about that, he had the 18 months, no problem. A friend told me that he will probably try to file saying that I deserted him and our marriage when he kicked me out in November and would use my apartment lease as proof of my 'desertion'. I said he can surely try but I have been keeping written documentation of all of our conversations before and after the discovery of his affair. I have nothing but time and have no intentions of filing for divorce based on his adultery. Yes, I could file right now because he cheated on me (adultery is one of the reasons you can file right away). I also left a message on our home phone the day I found out about my medical situation that I was not going to fight him and I would sign anything he wanted because I do not have the energy to fight him and possibly breast cancer at the same time and that my health had to come first.

Oh my goodness, this has to be the worst rant ever. I really appreciate all of the kindness, understanding and togetherness that the wonderful people on this website have shown me and all of the other BS's (and even WS's)that visit here. We are all in such a hellish nightmare and having a place to vent and get suggestions/advice is truly a Godsend.

Have a beautiful Sunday!!!

(PS - I apologize for any typos. My fingers are flying faster than my brain is working this morning!)

All I can say is that your husband is projecting the standard stuff that all waywards project. I'm not all that worried about it. He's in the throes of something truly awful... and I'd suggest that you get completely out of the way of it. Get FAR into Plan B and stay there. An intermediary would do you wonders, and staying OFF THE PHONE with him will, too.

Not for his sake, but for yours. You just don't need to be exposed to that level of intensely weird emotions directed at you.

Just J

I think you are right. It is not healthy for me or the kids to feel this type of pain. I do think it will be hard being separated from him also like that. That is what I will do I think though.

Sorry gals I don't know how I got here. I posted on the wrong link. Didn't mean to interrupt.