Chris-
Yes, I definately experienced the physical illness associated with ending my A with OM. I felt sick, depressed, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep and every time I thought of him with his W or someone else I would throw up. I had thoughts of ending my life, although I think it was more of a passing thought than a reality. I, also, never really intended to leave my H for OM. In fact, he moved out of his house with his W and I was the one who held back.

But, in spite of this, I still feel like he's "cheating" on me or on us by going back to his M. That is just stupid and it makes me embarrassed to even write that but those are the feelings I've had to deal with. A couple times right after NC I drove by his house and right before I got there I would physically throw up because I was so nauseous with thoughts of him being with somebody else.

I must say that through finding help on this website and through my own faith and with the help of my H, I am doing much better than I initially was. I know I still have a long way to go but I don't seem to get the physical side effects that I used to. (of course, some days are definately better than others and there are still days where I feel sick and lonely and don't eat).

I am so glad that you have found a way to help you over come these feelings you had for OW. It definately helps to continually remind yourself how much you do have and how wonderful your spouse really is. I know that early on it feels like you're just trying to pay lip service and convince yourself but eventually after saying and thinking these things enough, it will stick.

I can't imagine being with someone for 7 years and then trying to break it off. I thought 2 years was bad- but 7 years would be really bad. I really admire that you've done such a good job with NC and also with trying to heal yourself and your M. You are inspiring to me and I thank you very much for posting your story.

Do you find that your thoughts of being betrayed by OW have gotten better or do you still feel sick whenever you think of her with someone else?

Thanks for your post,
SG

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:19 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

SG: How are you doing? I wonder why you think of the OM so much? You would feel so much better once you let him go and see the kind of person he really is. How is your H doing? You may want to focus a bit on his feelings and see the support he is offering in spite of what he may be feeling. Very likely he is torn and devastated, but he wants to be strong pilar onto which you can lean and rise again from your fall. You said something on your last post that reminds me a lot of what my WW was going through and I could not figure out. She had exactly the same symptoms and reactions. She was depressed, sick, not eating, etc. I do not understand why she put herself through all of that. There is a lot that I feel, but do not express to avoid any more pain, but to think of all the pain that the OM has caused is sickening. Those individuals cause so much destruction and nothing seems to bother them. Hope you come to realize how evil he is and let go of those other thoughts.

Dear Chris.
If you could step back and see, you would realize you are having 'foggy' thinking to feel that the OW is being unfaithful to you.

She is single and free to date anyone she wants whereas you are married and not free.

Have you ever thought about what she went through all those 7 years?

She had to think about you sleeping with your wife EVERY single night, kissing and hugging her including making love, the fun times you were having with your children, going out to eat together as a family, visiting relatives, vacations together, even grocery shopping and all the other little things that married couples do.

So when you start to feel sad that she is with someone else, just think for a minute what she had to deal with for so many years.

I am sure she still cares very much for you but she has accepted it is now time for her to have a life of her own, a boyfriend she is not sharing with another woman instead of a long love affair with a married man.

You might say the shoe is now on the other foot.
Keep posting, Chris. You and 'stupidgirl' and other WS (FWS that is) are all struggling with getting over the OP.

I guess maybe it really is like a death of a loved one and it just takes TIME to feel happy and normal again.
Sincerely, Julie

SG: ....I hated spiders to begin with but now whenever I see one I immediately remember seeing that on t.v. So, I guess I picked it because it really affected me and has stuck with me all this time.

Orchid: When something REALLY affects you, it sticks. Your M and R with your H needs to be one of those sticking points in your life.

SG: The reason I picked the Passion for the most horrific thing was because even though I've always been a christian and I knew the story of the Passion, it didn't really ever seem "real" because it happened so long ago and it was hard to imagine what exactly happened. So, seeing it actually helped me to realize what did go on and how horrible it was and how awesome Jesus' love for us is. I can't imagine any human being going through that, especially for other people. It made it real for me and showed me just exactly how much He does love us and it really made my relationship with God much stronger.

Orchid: You are now moved by the REALITY of it all, even the movie. To know it protrayed a real life event is inspiring. The awesome love that was and is being displayed on our behalf, is mind boggling but the heart does know it. Your M and R with your H needs to feel the same level of importance. You see, your M is a Godly arrangement. The vow you took was not just in front of your H and a few people. Now if you want to have a strong and good R with God, you need to start with maintaining a good R with one of his servants, your H. It is not expected you treat your H like a God. That is not proper. However, the Bible does outline what a capable W s/b doing that makes her conduct approved in God's eyes. Start by reading Prov 31.
Then read 1Peter 3: 1-6. I am not telling you how to believe, that is for you to decide.


SG: The reason I picked receiving the journal was because it was one of those moments that just really touches your heart and you realize that people do love you and do think you're "worth it". The fact that my H could give me a gift like that after all that I had done to hurt him was beyond words. The only thing I could do was cry because it touched me so deeply. It made me feel special to know that he had gone out of his way to try to find a gift that would show me that he loves me and has forgiven me and I must say that he did an Awesome job!

Orchid: Appreciation is a strong tool to strengthen a M. The more you both appreciate each other, the less time you will want to spend on the OM. It took my H a long time to appreciate his family. He wanted to hate us so that he had a reason in his fog brain to leave. When I tried to give him the reason, he didn't want it. It was pure frustration for me. Yet it took him nearly 2 more years before he was able to break free. Our communication now does at times encompass the OW but he no longer seems to want or desire her. He has grown to distain her and the likes of her kind. Funny, that was how my old H was. Hm..... that part of him has returned. The more appreciation he showed for his family, the less the OW craving showed. The nicer he treated us.

SG :..the last response about seeing a baby being born I chose because what moment could be more cherished then the birth of a baby? I mean, it's literally seeing new life being born, seeing it take its first breath and it's just an amazing miraculous thing. I think the gift of human life is such a miracle and there is noone in the world that could stand in a birthing room and watch a child come into this world and not get emotional from it. It's just an absolutely amazing thing.

Orchid: Life, bringing life into the world is the most beautiful thing. It is sad to be marred with things like an A. The miracle of birth is also a gift from God, just as marriage is. Don't forget that.

A wise saying: 'There is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving', play true in many aspects of our lives. The more you give to your family, the more you will receive. This goes for good and bad. Better to do it for the good. Keep busy doing good and you will find there is no time to mourn over he bad.

[b]SG: Well, I hope I came up with good reasons for my answers. Thank you, again, for taking the time to post, it means alot to me.

Orchid: Your reasons were good. There are no wrong answers here. I did this so you could see that you can refocus your thoughts and interests away from the OM and the A. View the A as a very bad virus. You needed strong medicine and a healthy lifestyle to combat this virus. Left unchecked the results would have been deadly to your marriage.

When we are tempted to do wrong or even think wrong......think about the positive things in your life.

I remember a few years back I was in Costco and I saw someone who I had an EN waaay back when I was very young.... a co-worker who was separated from his W. He later divorced her anyway, she had 1 child previous R and then she had a A while he was in the navy and she tried to pretend it was his. He found out and divorced her. Anyway, 1 look at this man brought back a flood of feelings in an instant. I realized that though 10+ years had gone by, it could instantly come back. My little one was about 2 years old. I remember softly chanting 'I love my H, I love my son' throughout the store. The man recognized me but I left as soon as I could. I saw him searching for me in the checkout line. Good thing I am short. He did not see me. I went home said a prayer, hugged my child and H sooo hard that night. No regrets, then and now.

Hug your H, love your family. They love you. You will be fine. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hugz,
L.

Chris- It's kind of eery what you wrote because I have done some of the EXACT things like driving by his apartment and checking to see if there were more then one set of tire marks in the snow. I would park outside his apartment and sit there in my car and watch to see if I could catch a glimpse of him or to see if anyone else was there. I had this voicemail password and I would check that also. I didn't have his email password but I think that if I had I would have been in a very bad place. I haven't done any of these things for a while and it's getting easier to overcome the temptation to do so.

I am so glad that you picked up your bible that day and heard God talking to you. Satan is such a powerful force and his can destroy us if we let him. The most important thing that we can do is be true to God and beg him for guidance. I have to say that I admire you ALOT for being able to resist checking her email, etc. I find that I think I really want to know what is in his email account but then when I really stop to think about it I ask myself what I hope to achieve or gain from the information I might find out and I realize that there is probably some really hurtful things in there that could possibly destroy me and I don't really need that in my life right now. As hard as it is not knowing what he's doing, I think that it's actually harder when I do know.

I'm so glad that you're in a much better place now. Just know that God's working through you to help others (such as myself) and to give us strength that our M's can become good again.

Why Me- Good to hear from you again. I am doing ok, I actually had a pretty good day yesterday. I don't know why OM still has such control of my thoughts. Some days are definately worse than others. I have been feeling very close to my H lately and that has helped tremendously in my recovery. The other day I came home and the house was kind of a mess and we had a showing (our house is for sale). I was upset and my H called shortly after I got home. Well, I immediately took out my frustration on him and it wasn't a good conversation. After our conversation ended I felt bad about "attacking" him right away because I know it wasn't intentional (he was away for the day and didn't know we had a showing- it was a last minute thing). So when he got home I hugged him and told him that I was sorry and that I shouldn't have handled it like that. It immediately made things better and it was nice knowing that we were able to make the situation better.

As far as why we let the OP affect us so much.... good question. I don't know why we let them have that kind of power over us. All I can say is that there is really no way to describe the "hold" that the OP has over you unless you've been in that situation. (Just like there's no way for a WS to understand what a BS is going through without experiencing it themselves). It's truly an addiction and it consumes you entirely and it's also a sickness. I certainly didn't want to feel sick or depressed or sad but there was a few days/weeks where I couldn't help it and nothing else mattered to me except OM. All I can say is that it's hard at first but once you get through that initial intense time, it does get better. It's still very hard for me but it is getting a little easier each day. 2 steps forward, 1 step back.

I hope that you and your W have been able to open up the channels of communication a little bit more concerning her A. I know it's hard for you because you're not quite sure how to be around her. Just know that we're all praying for you and we're all here for support. Take care.

Blessed Time- I'm sure that it seems very silly when you hear something like a WS feeling like the OP is "cheating" on us when they hook up with someone new. In fact, it is silly, but that is often times how it feels. It's like we've given so much of ourselves and so much of our time to the OP and we've shared these special things that we hold so close to our hearts and then when we find out that they're doing this with someone else, it is a shock to us. I know that it's not easy for the OP having to deal with us being with our spouses every night but see, we're in a "fog", we're very greedy people at the time and it's all about us at the moment so it's hard for us to feel sympathy for anyone else at the time. All we can think about is how could they do this to us? When in reality, if we would listen to what we're saying it sounds so pathetic because look what we've done to our BS's, yet we're unable to see that. It's definately a sickness and it definately takes time.

For me, I think that it was like the death of a loved one. Actually, I think it was harder only because of the fact that a death is final and this is not final (so to speak) because I'll always have to run the risk of running into OM or wondering what he's doing/who he's with, etc. So, it's like I'll never get closure on it like you might with a death. All I know is that if I knew then 1/2 of what I know now there is NO way I would have made the choices I made regarding OM.

Orchid- Thank you for your post. When I see how you've responded to my answers it's so obvious to me now how I should be putting the same energy and feelings into my M as I have into other things. You said that reality and appreciation are big things in a M and I have to agree with you because the more I realize what I've done to my H, the more I come out of this fog, the more reality sets in. And, the more reality sets in, the more I am able to see the devastation I have caused my H and that makes me more able to appreciate everything he has done and continues to do for me and our M.

I know that my M is more than just a union between 2 people. It's a union through God and it's a union for eternity (in heaven). I need to start focusing on the reason for M and that is that we need to help each other grow closer to God and live a proper lifestyle, etc. It's so easy to get wrapped up in the physical aspect of a M (such as sex, getting needs met, feeling love, etc) and these are all very important things but I think that I have forgotten that the purpose of a M is to help each other grow closer to God through one another.

Yesterday I actually smiled for the first time in a long time and it felt good, it felt real- not fake. I know with each passing day I'm getting stronger and stronger and that makes me feel good as well. My H has been a remarkable strong point for me and I really owe alot of my "healing" to his unselfishness and his ability to love.

It was scary when you were describing how you had to remind yourself how much you loved your H and S when you ran into the guy from your past at Costco. I get scared because, even though I know I'm getting stronger with each day, I'm scared about running into OM somewhere and going backwards in my recovery. I mean, you said that your relationship with him happened 10 years ago and look how it affected you. I am scared to run into OM because I know that 5, 10, even 20 years down the road if I were to see him all my buried feelings for him would come back. Do you think that the WS ever gets rid of their feelings for OP or do you think they just kind of learn how to surpress them and deal with them? Is it kind of like once you had a full flame burning for the OP and now (after going through recovery) it's more like a very weak flicker, but enough so that if OP were to ever cross your path it'd start to slowly burn brightly again? Is there anyway to actually blow the flame out for good?

SG

SG, I wanted to check in with you but this will have to be fast (i have not even read all the new posts very closely). My job has just taken a major turn for the busier due to a reorg that occured on friday morning. The whole extent of how out of control work is about to become is slowly becoming clearer and clearer. My stress is off the charts right now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I'm glad you liked the suggestion of burning the journal. I hope that you find you can burn it sooner than you may feel possible right now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think you're correct when you say that it's really hard for me to accept that what OM and I had was fake. Maybe that's why it's been such an important thing for me in finding out if he's lied to me. Knowing that I risked everything good in my life for a lie is unbelievable to me and so maybe I'm trying to prove that what we had was real (even though I know in my mind that it wasn't). </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know this is painful, it was very painful for me to accept too. I also had to accept my part of the responsibility here, I encourage you to do the same. The bottom line is, we were married woman carrying on in a relationship with another person. We lied just as much, maybe mostly to ourselves. but right now, NONE OF THAT MATTERS ANYMORE, you have to let it go. One more thought might help you... think about this, he was in his own fantasy land (you do realize that is what it all was), a place where he may not have felt he was lying to you. But again, the point is, none of that matters anymore. Hence the mantra "this is not my concern anymore". Keep using it!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It really did help and I guess I felt that I had a little more control over where my mind was going to go. I mean, the thoughts still pop in but I feel like I have more control in terms of not dwelling on anything . </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I quoted your words so you could read them again. you are 100% correct, you are in control. keep it up

I do not have the workbook. I would guess it is good but i have not seen it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm so glad that you're doing awesome in your recovery. It really gives me hope to see that someone who was once in my shoes has now gone far past that point in her life and is in a much better place. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you will be there too and you can get there much quicker than you may think. keep up the good work.

p.s. i expect my ability to post here is going to decrease dramatically, however, i want you to know, you are in my prayers.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:20 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

Dear Chris.
I can sure feel your big heart in your message.
And I think I understand what you are saying about the affair being such a high, that it kept the pain of losing your mom at bay.

It wasn't your wife you wanted comfort from; you wanted and craved the excitement and thrill that you were getting from this secret love affair.

What I want you to dwell on, pertaining to your feelings for the other woman, is how the OW felt all those years. You were with your wife every night and every day. Sharing everything.
How do you suppose that made her feel?

You say it is hard to imagine the OW with another man yet she had to live with those thoughts of you and your wife ALL THE TIME.

Whenever you start to feel 'jealous' of her life, just think of what SHE had to deal with; being involved with a married man.
I think it will help you.

You can heal, your marriage can get better.
Many here think the only way is to confess to your wife, and let her decide if she wants to stay married to you.
What do you think?

It sure won't be easy but it probably is necessary.
(I am not as positive as others here are about confessing to spouse but they are probably right.)
Love, Julie

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 05:29 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

FL- I'm sorry that you are so busy at work. Sometimes that's a good thing, sometimes that's a bad thing. At least you know that you have job security <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
I just wanted to say that I have adopted your mantra and I use it many times each day, It has helped me considerably. You have been a great help to me and thank you for sharing your story with me.
I will miss not seeing you around here as much anymore. Hopefully after the storm at your work calms down a little bit we'll see you back more.

Chris- I think that you're right in saying that the OP is an escape. I didn't have anything bad going on in my life at the start of my A (like you did with your mom dieing) but I think it was an escape from my "boring" life. It gave me something to look forward to and something exciting to feel. I know this sounds corny but I think that had a lot to do with it.
Maybe once you deal with grieving over your mom's death you'll be able to put OW behind you for good. I know for me, the hardest thing about saying goodbye to OM was knowing that I was saying goodbye to the "fantasy" of it all, the escape from my real life. Saying goodbye meant that I would have to deal with reality and that scared me because my reality didn't seem very "fun" or "exciting". Amazing how naive we WS's can be huh?

SG

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 07:21 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

hey SG, how you doing?

Hi to Chris too.

Hi FL-
Thanks for checking on me, I am doing ok. I've had a hard couple of days and OM actually called me on Tuesday at work. I answered the phone and it was him and it took me a minute to register that it was actually him and he said "hi, I really miss you and even though I haven't talked to you for awhile that doesn't mean that I'm not talking to you in my heart daily and that I've stopped thinking about you for a minute". He then said "I just needed to hear myself say to you the words 'I love you very much'".
I was completely shocked and speechless and he was the last person I expected to be on the other end. I simply said to him that I'm trying to move on with my life with my H and that I don't want him to call me anymore and that he can profess his love all he wants but that I don't believe it was love and that I feel cheap and used. I then told him that there was no need for further contact and that I would let my H know of this conversation and then I hung up.
I have to say that there was a whole bag of feelings that I felt after the phone call. Initially I just sat there at my desk and cried. Then I was very angry at myself because one of the emotions I was feeling was a sort of "comfort" knowing that OM was still thinking of me and that he still feels that he loves me.

I feel horrible for even having that be one of the emotions that came to me. I went home and told my H and he was content with the way I handled it and asked me if there was anything he could do. We just hugged and he comforted me all night. Since then I don't feel like I've slipped back to the beginning of my recovery- I mean, don't get me wrong, it has definately set me back a bit but I still feel strong and I still feel that I am able to control my mind from drifting too much to OM.

I want to get to the point where I don't feel that rush of "comfort and excitement" when I hear OM's voice. I feel very guilty about these feelings and I think that has been the worst part for me to deal with since the call.

Anyways, thanks again for asking about me and I hope all is ok with you as well. Take care FL.
SG

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 10:38 PM: Message edited by: stupidgirl ]</small>

Hey SG, congrats on how you handled the phone call!! and great job telling your husband. don't worry too much about the feelings of comfort. you cannot contol what feelings surface, but you can and you did control your actions wonderfully!!! good for you.

Hi SG.
In many of your posts, that is just what you wanted; to know the OM was thinking of you and still 'loved' you.

So now go on with your life with this so-called closure. I am sure your heart feels 'lighter' knowing he is struggling getting over you.
(Did you tell him at all how you have been doing during your withdrawal from him, or did you only pretend you are doing fine?)

You are on the higher ground here because YOU are the one walking down the right road again in your life and leaving the OM behind. (He is still off on some side road. I don't think his wife would have appreciated that phone call, do you?)
Love, Julie

SG, I think you handled OM's call great considering how unexpected it was andhow much you have been withdrawing! I am so happty for you! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am having an awful time with the withdrawl from OM/A. Things are going really good w/H but I am struggling anyhow. So strange. I am going nuts wondering what OM is doing, it was easy at first, but now as time goes by and the reality of not seeing him again is hitting me, I am feeling panic & despair. Not fair to my H, I know... Is this typical withdrawl behavior? Am I a horrible person for feeling this way?? I hate feeling this way and I wonder if it will get easier and not harder to deal with??? Does withdrawl seriously hinder recovery in the M???
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Finally Learning and Blessed Time-
Thank you for your encouragement on how I handled the phone call. I did not let on to OM that I have been missing him or still have feelings for him. I guess in a way I did get a little "closure" knowing that he's still thinking of me and that it wasn't the easy for him to just walk away. The problem with knowing that someone still cares about you is that then you start thinking "well, maybe he really did love me", etc. and then you start wandering back towards the direction of the A. Believe me, after all that I've been through I am not going to be wandering that direction.

((Mrsx))- I am so sorry that you are still having such intense feelings of withdrawal. I have to say that you are exactly where I'm at. It seemed like as time went by and as things got better between my H and I, the harder the withdrawal struck me. The phone call did help, it let me know that OM does still think of me and that I'm not the only one struggling here. But, what I'm afraid of is that it's only a temporary "fix" and soon my insecurities will strike up again and I will be right back to where I was before. I know that I am in the power seat because I have not contacted OM, he has done all the contacting. I'm sure that he is also feeling many of the same things I am as far as wondering if I still care about him, etc.

I certainly don't recommend contact with OM, but just know that there's no way that he's not thinking of you. After everything that you shared, he can't possibly just walk away without feeling anything for you. I know that shouldn't be important to us right now but for some reason just knowing that made it a little easier for me to continue moving ahead.

I don't think that withdrawal is hindering your M, I think that it is helping you to build a strong foundation for your new/improved M. It is a necessary step for us to take in order to move past this A once and for all. It's like a slow death and you have to go through all the steps of grieving before you can put it to rest for good.

Hang in there Mrsx and know that even though it seems hard right now and like things aren't gettting better (believe me, I know EXACTLY what you're feeling) they will improve. Slowly they are improving in ways that probably aren't even apparent to you right now. Ways such as: your building trust and strength in your relationship with your H, your making yourself vulnerable to H by showing him your feelings of sadness, etc. All these are good things, even though they hurt really bad. I struggle each day with the loss of OM and some days are so much worse then others. Some days it feels like the pain is just as raw as the first day of no contact. But, just imagine that this is a little hill that we have to pass and beyond that hill is a beautiful green meadow where we'll feel nothing but goodness and love and happiness. We're trudging up the hill right now but we know what lies ahead of the hill. Keep up your strength, keep up your awesome job of no contact and keep relying on your H to help make it better. Also, come here and post because we know exactly what you're feeling and we can help each other, we really can. One thing that has been helping me is that whenever thoughts of OM pop into my head, I don't allow myself to dwell on them. I acknowledge that there's a thought there and then I stop it and don't let myself drift off into detailed memories. Example: if I drive by a place that OM and I were together, I will acknowledge that we were there but I won't go over the details of how I felt that day or what we did that day, etc. I simply stop the thought from going any further and this has helped me significantly. You can do this, you're strong and we'll do it together!

God bless you and I hope that today is a new day of happiness for you.

great reply SG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

mrsx, i will tell you what i did and what seemed to help SG. when feelings for the OM surface (it is natural for that to occur, you were very emotionally invested with this person), your thoughts turn there too.

when that happens, repeat after me:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> this is not my concern anymore </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and, if this goes along with your personaly beliefs, then follow it up with a prayer, for me it was either the serenity prayer or the Lord's prayer.

the feelings will stop surfacing in time and you will train your thoughts to not go there too!!!!

SG, your reply made me cry, thanks for your support and positive thoughts! It really means alot.

Gosh I was so strong the first week & 1/2 of NC and so full of anger toward OM and at myself for the horrible things we did to our spouses and each other...now I am getting depressed and scared.

Funny how even after the A, the emotional rollercoaster continues. The great thing is H and I are getting closer. I know where I want to be, and that is home w/H. I know this deep in my heart. But it still hurts in a way. Alot of it is EGO, but alot of it is genuine pain of a loss.

Thanks so much for being here and sharing your experiences and feelings and for inspiring me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thank you so so much FL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by FinallyLearning:
<strong> great reply SG <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

when that happens, repeat after me:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> this is not my concern anymore </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and, if this goes along with your personal beliefs, then follow it up with a prayer, for me it was either the serenity prayer or the Lord's prayer.

the feelings will stop surfacing in time and you will train your thoughts to not go there too!!!! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">