<small>[ March 25, 2004, 12:19 PM: Message edited by: chris37 ]</small>

T2_4G is a FEMALE

Sorry t2_4g

chris

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> You have all help me so much with your stories, advice and support I cannot begin to thank you all enough. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you are very welcome. i feel the same way about this site and the people here too.

Hi SG~

First let me say, you are one blessed lady to have such a forgiving H. Not so much the fact that he is forgiving, but more because he was/is able to give it so freely.

Your H's response and actions since revealing your A resemble my H's more than any I've come across on here. We are both blessed!

Unfortunately, my H was faced with more than my adultery, and yet he forgave, and then some, (a lot some)! Something tells me if your H was confronted with the same, he would've still forgiven. That says a lot for him, especially given your young ages, length of M, and no C's.

I understand the withdrawal you are going through. Yet, I think you are allowing it too much of your time, energy and focus.

Are you spending 15 hours one on one per week w/ your H?

What do you actively do when thoughts of om come to mind?

If you wake from a dream or thoughts of om, do you roll over and hug your H very tightly, waking him if you have to? I found that worked for me. Even the times I didn't tell H my thoughts, he somehow seemed to sense them, and held me even tighter, and closer as if to squeeze the thoughts from me.

Another thing that helped me was when a "good" memory came to mind of om/A, I would force the ugliness of it all to come to mind. I think it was you that mentioned the story of picturing your H standing in the garage, wishing you a safe drive, waving goodbye, all the while you were heading off to see om. (If that wasn't you, forgive me, I kinda skimmed through the thread) My H would do the same, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> That's an excellent picture to put in your head when thoughts of om come in. Or, think of good pleasant memories of time spent w/ your H. Better yet, when a thought comes to mind of om, think of something you can do for your H, then do it. Surprise him with his favorite dinner, send him a love letter email, etc.

See, it's pretty difficult to stop thoughts from coming to mind. I do believe they will stop in time though. In the mean time, just remember, it is in YOUR control to get a hold of the thoughts.

Only you can choose if you will dwell on and wallow in them them or work to get past them.

I want to point out something you said.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I think we all know that eventually we will get to a point where we will look back at our A's as something destructive and we will no longer have feelings for OP </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I take issue with this. It shouldn't be eventually, it should be right now, that we look back and see our A's as something destructive. It was destructive, and it does NOT require time to come to that conclusion.

Perhaps if you saw the full depth and darkness of the A, the lingering feelings for the om wouldn't be so strong and so frequent?

I'm here to tell you, if you begin to have control over your thoughts rather than letting them have control over you, they will become less and less a part of your life. The thoughts I now have are fleeting and are in no way "good feeling" thoughts or of any longing whatsoever, or even wondering what he's doing or who he is with... I think if I didn't live with a daily reminder of om/A I would rarely have any type of thought of him at all.

So from this old FWW, I do believe the outlook for you is very good!! Just do the work, spend as much time as you can with your H, and the thoughts will dim and then be gone completely, sooner rather than later.

Warmest regards,
~ad

<small>[ March 12, 2004, 03:50 PM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

trying24give....I'm so sorry that you have the opinion that you do about this thread. I don't know your story but I know mine and many other's here. As FWS's, we have put our BS's through hell and we know it, believe me. If we come across to you as only wanting to hold on those memories of the A then you are totally misunderstanding the point of this thread. I, personally, wish that I could wave a magic wand and get all thoughts of the OM out of my head for good. Unfortunately, it just isn't that easy.

What we do here is try to encourage and support one another while we are going through the natural process of "moving on". You see, there is tremendous guilt in what we have done and also tremendous guilt is whatever residual affects are still there. I have to say that everyone on this particular thread has helped me tremendously. They haven't encouraged me to hold on to feelings for OM but they understand those feelings. Big difference. If you will notice, most FWS on this thread have kept up with many BS's and have received very much needed advice there as well in how to deal with our hurt BS's.

I'm sorry that you are obviously hurting yourself and feel the need to lash out, we have all been there too. If you ever do want to share, we are here to listen and hopefully to encourage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by chris37:
<strong> I hope NB, T24g, and JL hear your message.

I do not think they can conclude that we have any desire to justify our A&#8217;s, to keep the &#8220;pull&#8221; of the OP alive... We are all writing how we want to get rid of OP for good. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Chris,

First of all, you understand that I was a WS, right? When I first wrote here, back in 1999, I had SHAME and REMORSE so strong that I wanted to die. I couldn't believe what I'd done to my marriage and my life!

I did everything backasswards, even continued working with OM, and made a bunch of mistakes. My marriage ended. I am trying to HELP you to SEE that what you're doing here is PERPETUATING the affair.

You say how you "want to get rid of OP for good..." as if that takes time. It doesn't, if you don't LET IT.

Maybe I'm just old and jaded. I probably am. I come on threads like this and try to be firm, yet kind... and mostly hope to be understanding - AND understood.

Seems I am neither. Hmmm... I wonder.

So, I'll leave you guys and gals to your 'working through' it all. Take your time... but don't be surprised if your spouses aren't waiting for you when you're done. I don't say that with malice -- I promise you. It's just a sad fact, and one I hope you appreciate.

Sheryl,

Having continuing to read this thread, I think I have an idea why Chris and perhaps others have a burr in their saddle. They think we are saying to "just forget OP", when what I know I am trying to convey and I know you are trying to convey, is that "forgetting OP" is NOT going to happen. And if they focus on that, they may lose their spouses in the process, perhaps not to divorce but to indifference.

What needs to be focused on is the spouse and as you do the "feelings" for the OP will fade. The memories will to some extent, but you will NEVER forget the OP. It is just as you turn your focus on the spouse the feelings fade, as you work on the marriage, the feelings fade. They don't fade nearly as fast if ever if the OP and the associated feelings are constantly brought to the forefront the conscious mind.

There is a reason that Harley states that there should be NO CONTACT. He acknowledges that feelings in affairs are deep and can be reignited with just contact because people don't forget the OP: the feelings just fade.

I think Chris and Sarah particularly think we are telling them to just forget and move on. All who have been here for awhile know that is not going to happen, but the feelings fade faster IF you focus on the spouse rather than the OP. I think FL offered some very good suggestions for addressing this.

But, Sheryl, you, as well as I, must realize they won't listen to much we have to say. Heck you didn't listen to me either. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> or at least not much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Remember I told you you weren't running your life like I would run it for you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I think I am done here. I have said my piece. As usual all can do with it as they see fit.

I do wish ALL of you, and that means you too Chris, the very best and the return to true happiness in your life.

God Bless,

JL

JL....nice to see you on this thread sharing your awesome wisdom!!! You are so right about the "victim" thing. It seemed like for so long I was so wrapped up in myself that I thought that I was the victim. Oh, how our thoughts get twisted!! I don't know if you have had a chance to read my post about how God wonderfully touched me last Sunday in church. I have to tell you that he has taken the 2 x 4's towards OM and everything else in my life that I wanted to blame my A on. This Preacher that was praying for me kept telling me over and over, let it go, it's time to move on....this is a new day and what is done is done. You know, JL, it finally sunk in. It's as if I have started living again. It's beautiful here in Georgia this time of year, everything is blooming....I actually am noticing these things for the first time in a long time.

That may not seem like much to some but to me that is a miracle in itself. My old self is coming back. God is restoring me in so many ways and I know that those around me can tell, including my H. What God spoke to me through this preacher, I would not take any amount of money for. It was precious to me! I'm not saying this to recommend it to others but I have come off the AD's that I was taking (Paxil 40) and I feel wonderful, emotionally, physically and spirtually!!! My heart is tender again and I no longer need to feel the need to blame OM for anything. I look at him now and although I still are about him, I feel sorry for him. That is a feeling that I've never had.

God is doing a wonderful work here on MB! When I look back at where I was when I first starting posting, it literally scares me. Along with friends here and God's hand on my life, I don't think that I would be here today. I have gone from drinking alcohol daily along with narcotics along with my AD's (what a deadly combination) to being in sound mind right now and at peace with myself and God. I do want to thank everyone here for their patience with me. I look back at so many of my posts and see one common thing that I just didn't see at the time. It was all about me, me, me!!!

JL, I don't know if you can relate, but everything that I have ever judged I have found myself doing. I truly had to almost hit rock bottom to see these undesirable traits about myself. I am able now to look around and see others hurting and to try to reach out to them now. I'm sorry for such a long post here but those of you that have ever wondered if there is light at the end of the tunnell, hold on!!!

You're right JL, of course! You usually are... much to my chagrin. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I remember when you said that, by the way, about not living your life as I would - or is it the other way around??? See how I am? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I agree -- Chris, and those of you working through all this -- I do wish you peace and restored marriages. I am not telling you to forget about the OP - Lord knows I'll never forget the OM in my situation, much as I'd like to <wish there was a vomit smiley>.

Best wishes...

and PS: Thanks JL for the friendly smack upside the head. I needed that! <youch!>

Lisa,

I must have missed your post. I will look for it. But, I am glad you are getting your feet on the ground. It is hard to express what needs to be seen, but it is pretty enlightening to go back and read old posts and see the changes and the advances. You should be very proud of yourself. I am sure your H is happy with these changes. I am betting that your changes are starting to cascade onto him and he will change some as well.

You mentioned judgement. You are right no one is in the position to judge. But ASSESS, now that is another thing. You do need to make assessments of people around you are they: dangerous, tempting, helpful, demeaning, honest, trustworthy, etc. The assessment needs to be made via how a person would affect you or your family.

If you were to go back to Pep's post on this thread, what she was saying is that she makes assessments about whether people are good for her or not. She is NOT judging them. I think some of the response felt she judged them. I don't think that she was. She was just assessing the situations.

I think as you reflect on yourself you still need to assess people as being good or bad for you, your H, your marriage, family so forth. That is NOT the same as judging them; their worth, their purpose in life. That is for a much higher power to address, don't you think?

I will go look for your post.

God Bless,

JL

Sheryl,

I wasn't smacking you at all. I agreed with all you said. I was in the terms of 2Long, just twisting your "gain knob" abit. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> We have been communicating for a long time now haven't we? I think I am getting old. Heck you are almost 40 now aren't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

OR has my mind really just gone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Have a good weekend.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, Sheryl, you, as well as I, must realize they won't listen to much we have to say. Heck you didn't listen to me either. or at least not much. Remember I told you you weren't running your life like I would run it for you?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And don't forget me. I was right there with her. I'm sure that JL thought I would NEVER listen.

I just couldn't quit my job, even if I did work with OM...(wrong)

I just never would get my feelings back for my husband...(wrong) We had lived separate lives for two long as husband and wife

I would always love the OM...(wrong)

I would never forget the OM

I discovered when I finally did quit my job
when I finally did focus on my husband
when I finally did focus on my marriage
I began to really recover!

before I noticed it, five minutes had passed and I had not thought of OM
an hour had passed
two hours passed
and after a while, a week passed
and I had hardly thought of OM

Now, of course, I still have thoughts. That was part of my life and I can't forget it. Part of what shaped my values and convictions and who I am today. The thoughts are not frequent though. And when I do have them, it is more just thoughts that are facts, not feelings.

I don't feel tense, anxious, angry, pain, guilt, stressed. None of the feelings that I felt with the A. I don't feel love for the OM anymore. After much hard work and the years passing, I have finally gotten my goal..."my life back".

That was my mantra..."I want my life back!"

My marriage is so much better and I am happier than I ever dreamed I could be. The OM does not hold a candle to my H now. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

JL...I totally understand what you're saying about judging. What I meant in regards to myself is that I had a judgemental attitude towards how people allow themselves to get in these situations such as an affair. Now I know and yes you are so right about the wisdom that I have learned about discerning people's intentions. There are two other men in the office that I feel the same "warning" about as I first did with the OM pre-A. I am much better equipped to see these things now and think I have a little more wisdom under my belt to keep that line where it should be and not cross it.

I did want to mention one major thing that I left out about this Preacher that prayed for me Sunday. I didn't tell him anything about my situation nor does anyone at my church know about it. He was truly allowing God to use him to say what I so needed to hear. It was as if I had sat down and told him my whole story. He was truly praying what God was revealing to him about me.

Thanks so much for imparting your wisdom on this site!!

God Bless

JL...I was rereading your post about judging. Oh, I hope that you don't think that I was referring to anyone on here being judgemental. I was talking about myself only there. I didn't want anyone reading this to misunderstand.

First of all, sorry SG we've really hijacked your post haven't we.

Sheryl, Susan, JL (I do listen to you even if you are a dinosaur <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ), everyone, thank you, thank you, thank you.

There is light at the end of the tunnel! I can't wait for H to get home from work so I can give him a big hug.

Jenny

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Just Learning:
<strong> Sheryl,

Heck you are almost 40 now aren't you? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> is right! I'm on the downhill side of 40 now, my friend!!!! And that makes you... oh... somewhere in the "I'll have the $2.99 Senior Special" at Denney's, eh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi Susan! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And now back to our regular programming... sorry for the t-jack!

EGAD Susan is here too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Folks you have Sheryl and Susan here. Listen to them. They do know what they are talking about.

It always brightens my day to see you posting here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You, Sheryl, and some others are such special people.

So Susan are you and Sheryl going to hang around and help these folks? I hope so. You all have been there, done that, and go the tee shirts.

By the way folks by way of introducing Susan you need to know that she and Sheryl are very nosey people. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Lisa, I went and found that post. I think it is a powerful testimony. I was down in GA in Jan. It was just a bit frosty when I was there. But, as usual I enjoyed it. I was in Atlanta and Demorest (sp). I'll bet it is pretty now. It is getting near time for the Masters so the flowers and trees had better get with it.

God Bless,

JL

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You all have been there, done that, and go the tee shirts.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL...you sweetie! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I prefer to say: "I have been there, done that, and I have the Tshirt and the tote bag!" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

SG....hey sweetie. I hope you don't mind the thread hi-jacking that has taking place. It all correlates though!!