Greetings

I am talking with a WS that has been married for approximately 10 years and has one child a son. She had a PA that lasted for approximately a month until she felt so guilty that she confessed to her husband, immediately instituted no contact, and is very remorseful and supportive or her H.

She is in IC and her H agreed to MC but has been so angry that it is not helping. WS is doing everything in her power to meet H ENs and wants the marriage to recover. H is in so much pain and anger that he doesn’t feel that he can reconcile and keeps insisting on a divorce. WS refuses to give up.

I am looking for ideas and suggestions from people that have experience dealing with such a difficult situation. I realize that H has the right to divorce but I am looking for other suggestions that have the potential to save the marriage.

Any help will be sincerely appreciated

Beaums

Addendum

They are 4 months past D day.

Beau

Beau,

Send him here or send him some threads/concepts section from here or give him a copy of SAA and HnHn.

How are you doing? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

L.

I tried to get him here but he has been resistant. He is shutting out any thoughts of reconciliation. I am hoping that someone remembers something unusual.

I've been great. Been posting on SI for a while.

Beau

Beau, we have missed ya! I don't know of any answers for your friend. It may well turn out that she loses her H. As I am sure you know, many spouses decide to pack it in because they don't want to deal with it. I sure didn't want to deal with it myself. I feel sorry for her H.

Get back here soon, we have missed ya!

As these things go... there are many BS who could only wish the WS had been forthcoming the info on the A, rather than playing detective and extracting information in dribs and drabs to out the damn thing.

However the hurt is no less, the feelings no less intense, and the anger no less unfurled.

She will have to place herself in the drivers seat, but will need to press forward gently and let all of those feelings subside a bit before progress can be made. A BS cannot think rationally with all the pain, and visions of his/her partner for life doing something like this to them.

She should read Surviving an Affair, and leave it laying around for the BS to have access to it. Same with His Needs/Her Needs. She needs to fully understand the damage that has been done. As a result of her own guilt and remorse, she will be eager to put this behind her quickly, and therefore is probable pressing too hard. She needs to know about the NC and the letter that should be sent. Perhaps trying to involve the BS with that would engage him a bit.

I'm sure there are others with much better experience to give advice on this, but that's my 2 cents worth.

SD

Thanks to everyone. I'll be back shortly. In the meanwhile I have gotten to know several BS and WS on SI that are doing their dead level best to reconcile so I plan to stay until a decision is made.


However, I STILL NEED IDEAS!!!!!

Beau

bump

Hmmm.Is it your assessment SOW that perhaps the BS had wanted out of the marriage before this happened and this is his chance to bail?

I was furious with my WH a LOT after I found out but I always had some brief moments of release where I entertained the idea of reconciling,or at least waiting a few months before making any major decision.In the case of your BS,his WW broke off the A right away and is remorseful too whereas my WH didn't end it until just this month.

When I was angry no one could really get through to me although some of the folks here had encouraging words when I vented.I just don't know what percentage of people that find out about Infidelity head straight to D.The only other thing I might suggest, as risky as it is, is a separation.Some time for him to cool down before making a firm decision on D.If he could agree to that,at least for the sake of his son,then maybe that might help?

Maybe IC for him too instead of MC for a while.Maybe he is feeling too pressured and can't see his way out of his anger if the only counseling they get is together.

I don't know.Sorry to not have a better idea for you.God luck.

O