I have posted my story under another name but basically, our marriage was troubled by mistrust and drug abuse (on my part). I am in a 12 step program and have been clean for several months now. As our marriage was falling apart I saw the signs of an affair and eventually found out in Feb-04. She obtained account with OM and moved out the day I found out. I still love my wife and I am willing to do whatever is necessary to restore(renew) the family and marriage but we both have made mistakes and have not met EN's for some time. I truly can forgive her but I don't know if she will forgive me especially with OM in the picture. I had tried to work on plan A but I struggle because she wants nothing from me other than money plus she is not at home. When we see each other she will give me a light kiss on the lips but that is it. I try to talk about only safe topics like the children but sometimes fall into asking about reconciliation. She always says no. How can I find ways to attract her attention about changes in me and draw her closer. When I see her she can hardly look me in the eyes. I have read and worked with some of the items on 180 list and want to send her a NC letter if it is the right thing to do at this time but I am not sure. I still ask if she is going to call me at certain times I guess to she if she will.
It seems at times that the OM may not be all that as she called me almost everyday this week with very little asking and agreed to have lunch with me on Friday. It went well until she asked for the separation papers again that I have not agreed to. What should I do next? Just give her what she wants at this point, NC, more plan A, B, I just don't have a clue. Please help.

<small>[ February 29, 2004, 01:34 PM: Message edited by: Pheonix_66 ]</small>

Have you exposed the A, especially to OM's wife or SO?

How long have you been in Plan A?

Have your read Surviving and Affair by Willard Harley?

Has Plan A been executed to the letter?

How are you doing? Your love bank, how much can you endure?

Are you prepared to do Plan B if necessary? A good Plan B requires a great Plan A.

Have you been in counseling, and will she go?

If you are not ready for D, and want to work harder than you've ever worked on anything in your life, stall the seperation for as long as possible.

More and better advice will follow from others much more qualified than I. Read other posts, read the book above, and when done with it, read His Needs/Her Needs, After an Affair, Torn Asunder.

Good luck...

The OM as I am told is D. I have been in Plan A for about 6 weeks. I lost it when I found the account info but did not tell her to leave but she says I did. My plan A consists at the moment of making the changes in me, being as nice a possible to her, exposing the affair to her family and friends. I do my best not to talk about us at all. I have tried to get her to go places such as lunch or dinner but she avoids or says she is just not ready. I talk to her almost everyday but since Friday it has been brief due to an outburst by not signing the papers. She doesn't call much when the children are with me. I myself am not doing very well. I have a busy schedule and will most likely drop my classes in school. I am not functioning as well as I have in the past. We had only one session together in counseling which she focused on my shortcumings and no responsibility on hers. At this point she says there is no need for counseling as she does not want to work on the M, says "I am done!" I will get the books as soon as my mail service is restored properly. she changed the entire households address instead of just hers and lied about making the correction. When she left she told me that she had already filed for D but I am sure that this is not the case now. I think she wants to wait and see if the A will blossom into something long term and does not want to completely burn this bridge. I want to give her that impression but I don't want her to completly latch onto this guy. We have a long history (18y) and 4 children. I feel this is worth fighting for. I just don't know how to fight at this time or have the strategy I need at this time.

A good Plan B requires a great Plan A.

Uhm, actually, this one's not quite accurate. Plan A can be done in a letter, if necessary.

In this situation, the spouse is already gone.

So I wouldn't worry too much about Plan A. I would:

Expose to everyone!
- Make clear that you are terribly hurt by this action and that you want and need help to save your marriage, and that the first thing that has to happen is the end of the affair.

Confront your wife!
- Same message as above, in as loving and respectful way as you can muster. ONCE.

And...

End Contact!
- Your wife is just going to get pissed off if you keep bugging her. She's MOVED IN WITH HIM. Your wanting to reconcile will just piss her off more. Be respectful of that and tell her you love her, that you'll wait for her, and that you can't have contact with her because this causes you too much pain.

Read, read, read.... get all over this website until you have the books in hand and read the concepts. This is all about saving marriages.

I really don't have much advice for you, except to turn "your" Plan A in to MarriageBuilders Plan A and work your a$$ off to be the best you can be, by the book.

Secondly, if you can confirm the OP is D, that would be good. If they are, better, inform OP's spouse. If not, inform the OP's parents, or significant other.

It sounds as if WS has detached almost completely from your M, so you need the time to fulfill the needs of Plan A so WS has a "better" option than the A.

You will get other, probably better advice, up to and including your personal limitations, and when and how to go to Plan B, if necessary.

Prepare yourself by reading all that is here readily available for you, and learn, that's your first and most important step.

Good luck

SD

I don't know enough information about him to contact others. She has not moved in with him because the children would have told me by now.
He has several addresses where he has lived in the past 3 years and there are some working numbers that I have been trying to contact. He operates by cell. No telling how many others he is duping.

Keep researching. You'll find stuff eventually. No one lives completely tracelessly.

JJ - Began NC today. I think she was a little confused by it. Basically said that it hurts too much to talk to her and that after she has ended relationship w OM we can talk. She also is still pushing the separation papers but I will not sign. Can I be forced or can she process thenm without my cooperation?

Depends on your state. You'll need an attorney to tell you for certain, and to work with you on it if she proceeds against your will.

Please put it in writing as well as verbally. And then stick to it. Do you have an intermediary in place? How are you going to handle kid transitions and communications? There are very straightforward ways to handle them, but they do need to be in place.