I think I am going to have to go to plan B big time. Today only makes three weeks since WH left us and I LBed again big time. There was nothing I could do about it really. We got in a discussion about me moving on with my life and how I shouldn't feel guilty about it. I said that I couldn't because I was still married and it wasn't right for me to be with anyone else. Then the whole thing just came crumbling down around us. I started crying very hard, I am a very very emotional person all the time. Yes I am on Anti-Ds, but when the tears come they come and I can't stop them.

Back to the story, I told him that this is the way I feel....I am still your wife and for me to be with someone else feels like cheating because we are still married. And he said yes I know this. He was very nice to me. When I started crying I went to get a tissue and he grabbed me and held me really tight and I cried harder still. While he was hugging me he was shaking. I told him that we were still his family and that we love him and we will always be here for him. He said I know. He never said he loved me though because I don't think that he thinks he does. Anyway, I told him that I thought of it as someone else was borrowing him for a while. I asked him if he missed me and he said yes, and I asked him if it was going to be hard for him to leave and he said yes. He just kept hanging around the hallway looking at me. He must have hugged me and kissed me over a dozen times. Now I am even more confused than before. I told him that I loved our son very much and I thanked him for giving him to me and then he started crying too. I asked him to help me understand and he said he can't make me understand why he is doing this. I asked him if he knew what he was doing and he said he had no idea what he was doing. But he thinks he loves her and I think it is over between us now for good. Even though he hugged me and kissed me and cried with me. I did tell him that I took my responsiblity for helping his affair along by not meeting all of his needs whether it be sexually or otherwise. He said he was sorry that he didn't talk to me about things that were bothering him that he should have opened up. Sounds like a good start to reconciliation, except he doesn't love me, he loves OW. So here I am crying once again. I am so stupid sometimes. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Please don't Plan B yet!!!

I think the fact that your husband is showing his emotions to you at all is a sign that he hasn't shut YOU out totally. Please try really hard not to LB. I know how hard it can be not to push a button or make a wise [censored] comment just to make a point.

Please keep on trying to provide his top emotional needs and keep a smile on your face!
I try to follow my own advice, but I know some things are easier said than done.

Plan A, Plan A, Plan A!!!

If he at least has a little crack in the door of his heart, your Plan A can end up pushing that door wide open. It may end up coming as a surprise to you that you can make it happen.

It is a ton of hard, hard work but the end justifies the means. Now isn't your marriage worth it? Yes!!!

I beg to differ....

First, what you did wasn't an LB. Crying is not an LB. Speaking your honest emotions isn't an LB. It may be intense, but it's not LBing.

And I beg to differ again...

Now's the perfect time to go to Plan B. Plan A at this point will only lead to a cake-eating and happy WS. (Or, at least, as happy as a confused addict who knows deep down inside that something's terribly wrong can be.)

Your husband is not going to wake up and realize that he's screwed things up. He already knows.

And right now, this minute, he is still deep in a confused state, with many happy and warm feelings toward you. They're buried and they're causing the surface distress that you're experiencing as anger and "fog," but they're there.

So what would I do? Spend the next week getting ready for Plan B. Stay as wonderful to him as you can during that time. Calm, courteous, respectful, and CLEAR that the affair is unacceptable to you.

And then quietly, firmly, and wholly SHUT THE DOOR.

And keep it shut.

Until the OW is gone and a man who really IS your husband shows up, not just some shadow doppleganger that looks and sounds like him, but acts like a complete nut.

Thanks ICNAFM for posting me back. I have no one else to talk to except this board. None of my family or friends understand at all. They all say get rid of him, find a new one. After 10 years it is hard to stop loving someone. I don't see him coming around again to talk real soon. As towards the end he got a little agitated and said I will see you on Wed. and he left. He went to OW house when he left here. I am so heart broke, I have cried all day and I get my kids all upset and it doesn't matter how hard I try not to cry I do anyway and then I can't stop. He hasn't shut me out, but I don't see anything happening between us again ever at this point. How do you keep Plan Aing when everytime he comes you just want to break down in tears. Wouldn't it be easier to just not see him? This is my magical question and this is why I keep wondering about Plan B. Just because I am in so much pain constantly. He was my rock, he was my everything and I don't understand how he could just stop loving me one day. It was nice talking to him again and hugging him, but when he left he was a different person than when we were talking. He came out of the fog for a minute and then went right back into it. I wish I could quit crying and just be happy like before he came today. Thanks for listening.

NY,

I don't know what to say to you. But I am with you. My H disappeared again. My heart broke each time he disappeared. I need to learn how to detach from him. You are very brave. Just J is an expert. Listen to her. J, can you give me some advice too? H and I had a talk yesterday. Do you want to listen to me, and tell me what you think?

Just J

That is what I was thinking along the lines of. I can't really take much more of this anyway, I am losing my mind. My son gets very sad when his dad leaves and it breaks my heart also. The less I would have to deal with that the better off I would be. I have a hard time when he comes. I love him so much that I get sick when I know he is coming and it is like when I first met him and I was waiting for him to meet me or something, butterflies like. It would be easier not to see him at this point. I could tell by the way he hugged me and held me that he really does miss me and there still might be some love left in him for me, but it is mostly for the kids. Thanks for the support.

NY: So.... where's your Plan B letter, already? It's been five minutes, you know! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

l&h: Sure, I'd be happy to give you a hand. Point me to a thread, or better yet e-mail me or post on the saveyourmarriagecentral board, because I'm spending most of my time there these days.

Just J

I will be working on the Plan B letter tonight for sure. I will post it. Thanks.

Hopeless,

I have to agree with Just J. I haven't posted to you in a while but I have been following your situation.I think Plan B is necessary now.I wanted to say so earlier but I guess I get hesitant on telling people to do it sooner than is usually recommended for "fear" of reprisal.But it worked for me.

You keep LB'ing(ex: OW is a pig) and you are an emotional "wreck",based on your posts and your WH is watching you go through and this is NOT helpful,in fact he may even be thinking that you are a "mess" and how could he come back to someone like that.I don't want to offend you but you have not presented a woman that is strong and confident,self assured and *moving on without him.He hasn't felt your LOSS.Plan A is being lost on him right now.Time to switch gears.

Remember that Plan B is not a slash and burn approach but it starts out with a very loving detailed letter professing your love for him but also let's him know that a marriage is not a threesome.If he is having any second thoughts on the matter then this will help him,hopefully,realize that he will miss out on a lot without his family there in the periphery.Let the OW try to meet all his needs and put up with the fantasy.Take yourself out of the equation.

Let us review your Plan B letter(PBL) when you're done.

O

<small>[ February 29, 2004, 04:53 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

She is ripe for Plan B. Anymore time in Plan A just buys your WS more time to get used to the OW. Time to yank him off the fence and protect yourself in the bargain.

Thanks for your advice everyone. I also think that it is time for Plan B just for myself if not for any other reason. I will miss seeing him though as this is the only time that I actually get to see him. It was hard to have him reach out to me and hug me and then walk away again. I think this is in the best interest for me and the children. If he is not going to come home then it will help me walk away which has been a really hard thing to imagine. I will post my Plan B letter, but I will not be giving it to him until Fri. morning. We have a custody hearing on Fri. morning and I don't want to piss him off right before that, as I am hoping he will give me the full custody that I am asking for because he can't make rational decisions for himself at this time never mind for our three year old. He has visitation on wed and every other Sat. so I hope he will agree to this and don't want to do anything to screw this up. I will give him the letter immediately after the hearing Fri. morning. Thanks for all of your advice and keep it coming. Also I am going to need all the support I can get during Plan B because as I said before I have no one to help me through this. Everyone around me except Amy Maree <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> is very negative towards him and our relationship and reconciliation. I will post my PBL later tonight after bath time.

I just want to say DON'T CALL YOURSELF STUPID. Believe me, You aren't the stupid one in this equation. From what I've read being betrayed is second only to the death of a child. I have experienced enough deaths in my life to vouch for that. You have every right to feel what you are feeling. The thing is if you are feeling better when he isn't around, then I think I'd go with what othere are saying. Plan B him. Let him see how long OW will meet his needs while he is in the middle of a crisis. Good luck and hang in there. This is tough!

Just J,

My thread is in PlanA/PlanB, Am I in Plan A? It is long.

Thanks CV55. I know I am not stupid really and yes the pain is terrible. Worse than any other I can remember feeling. I do believe that Plan B is in order for me for sure. With the stupid thing......I do stupid things is what I should have said. I actually thought that I could talk to someone who speaks fogese. For a few minutes he actually spoke English and then at the end it went straight back to Fogese. Is there a book on translating that language? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Thanks for the help everyone. I love you all like brothers and sisters. I do not know what I would do without this site. It surely is a blessing even if no one answers your posts, you still feel like someone who feels your pain is listening. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

NY, I feel the pain you are feeling. But hang in there, so many people and GOD will help you go throught it.

I am so sorry for giving you the wrong advice. As you can see by my number of posts, I haven't been around here as long as the others.

From what the more experienced posters have said, it sounds like maybe I am ready for Plan B. The no contact imposed by ME scares the living daylights out of me!!!

My husband isn't talking to me anyway, but he is expecting to hear from me on how my ultrasound goes on my breasts this Tuesday after. I do not mean to hijack this thread, I just realized that maybe I am doing the wrong thing myself!

Thanks to all!

ICNAFM

Don't worry about the advice. It is always nice to hear what different people have to say and think. I wish you luck with your situation and your pain also.

ICNAFM, it's sometimes very difficult to understand whether one should be in Plan A or Plan B... and there's plenty of disagreement even among those who've been here for a long time.

My own view is that if a wayward has gotten to the point of moving out and reacting weirdly to even fairly normal interactions, there's little hope of negotiating/intervening enough to end the affair... and that's what Plan A is.

And the other options are:
- Plan B
- Plan D
- Yucky Planless Limbo.

Given those options, I usually recommend Plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And if you're ready for Plan B, too, well heck, join the bandwagon, write your letter, and let's get you protected, too.

Besides which, if you're headed into a health crisis, you DO NOT NEED emotional bites being taken out of you right and left. It's quite literally for your own health that you should be taking these steps.

Yes and that is why I have to agree with you all, I am ready for Plan B. My health is at risk now. I am very depressed on anti-ds.

I am going to write PBL right now. My mother has said she will take care of all the in between stuff for us. There is nothing else I can do for now. Plan B it is. I am going to give it to him like I said on Fri. so I have time to write it and post it. I will continue with Plan A for the rest of this week, and try not to LB during this time. Thanks for all your support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />