My "disoriented by his fog" post was getting to long. New phase of life. New post.

I'm sure you all know, I gave WH my PBL last Wednesday night (2/25). We've already broken no-contact twice (regarding wayward DD). Haven't seen him since that night, though.

I though this would be easier, but in fact it is harder right now. I worry about him--where he is, if he's okay, if he's forgotten me, if our marriage is over. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's all making me quite sick--no appetite today. I was going through photos on my computer and found a bunch of our vacation in CA last summer. I want SO much to take another one with him. I want my life back at that point. I can't face him never being in my life again, or not doing our yearly drives across the country somewhere. What if he stays with OW? What if he forgets me and decides he wants to be on his own?

Evidentally, when he and DD spoke Friday night while I was gone, he asked her how she'd feel if he and I got a D. Does this mean he's thinking about it? Does it mean he thinks I'm pushing it? I know, you'll all tell me it's fog. What if the fog never clears? I want him. I don't want anyone or anything else.

I just am going nuts because it's been very blue day today and I want so badly to hear his voice. I again almost drove by his apt to see if his truck was there.

I can't fix anything, and I can't seem to accept that it may be over either. I just want to scream.

Does anyone know how long it might take of NC before the WH comes around to wanting his wife again? Or how frequently it just ends up that the BS shuts down their emotions, the WS never comes back, and eventually they D?

(I spend too much time browsing the Divorced/Divorcing board, but when I browse the recovery board, no one looks like they fit my situation. The D/D board has lots of people who's WS had addictions beyond just the A, and it seems so hopeless in those cases.

I really want to cry tonight...
<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

LL

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

LL,

I'm sorry you're so down tonight. It's totally normal, what you are feeling. Many of us have been there.

I can't say when it will get better for you. Some, like Believer, started feeling better almost as soon as she implemented Plan B. Others take longer, some as long as months.

The important thing for you to remember.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does anyone know how long it might take of NC before the WH comes around to wanting his wife again? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">While you hope that is the outcome, that is really not the objective of Plan B. Plan B is to separate you from your WS so you remove yourself from the pain and protect the remaining love you have for him. It's not about forcing his hand to come home. Yes, that does happen, because without you in the picture, the OW is forced to meet all his EN's and chances are she is incapable. After all, who knows him better than you? You know more about his needs than anyone.

But what you are experiencing - lack of appetite, wanting to cry and scream, wondering where he is and what he is doing, if he is OK...all perfectly normal.

Keep posting and we'll hold your hand. We'll help you stay strong.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> While you hope that is the outcome, that is really not the objective of Plan B. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my mind I know this, and also that since my situation was different because of his alcoholism, Plan A, while I would have continued, probably was not going to work.

Because of my faith in God, I keep telling myself that if I pray enough and have enough faith, eventually He may bring us back together--that all things are possible with God.

Of course, I had this couple in my church not much older than I am. I'm sure the H prayed and prayed last Thursday when his W's heart stopped, that God would save her. She died anyway. The only difference here--they have the assurance she's in Heaven. I believe they are very strong in their faith.

In my sitiation, my WH has walked completely away from everything, and I then say, "what right do I have to believe that God is going to help someone like that?"

I can't look at any of our photo albums or pictures that I've not yet taken down. I have a hard time looking in my closet because some of his things are still there. Our S is graduating in 3 months and I was working on a scrapbook to display at his grad party. I haven't touched it in months, because almost all his photos have WH in them, and I cry.

Until Plan B, I've been getting by with that daily call and seeing him on occasion, even if most moments ended in our being tense or arguing. Now that it's silent, I haven't even touched the work I brought home this weekend, which is going to just add to my stress.

I ask myself, how can OW meet his needs?

Her: no transportation/ me: nice car
Her: no job/ me: good job
Her: living with friends/ me: nice house
Her: a baby to deal with/ me: kids nearly grown
Her: sleazy/bisexual/ me: moral/trustworthy
Her: known him 6-7 months/ me: 23 yrs

Physically, though I'm no movie star, I believe I'm probably as attractive or more attractive than she is, even being 13 years older. (She does have the body curves I don't have, though.)

However, she's 25 (ego boost), and being home all day (or at his apt) means she can take care of all the warm/fuzzy/homemaker needs that I failed at by being at work all the time. And they both like to party and drink. I don't.

Why am I bringing all this up? Like I said, very lonely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , very cold <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> , very depressing day. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Trying to make myself believe that she can't possibly make him happy forever. But I'm failing miserably. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I have one of those gloom and doom "it's over" feelings.

LL,

I know its very hard right now, but it does get easier, I promise! You are at the hardest part right now and after this it will start to get easier and you will feel some peace.


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Or how frequently it just ends up that the BS shuts down their emotions, the WS never comes back, and eventually they D?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Part of the benefit of Plan B is that the BS detachs from the WS to a degree that the BS is not in constant pain from reacting to the actions of the WS. This is the LEAST of the benefits. Of course, while it is no guarantee, it is hoped that Plan B will pull them off the fence and make them want the relationship.

Just hang in there and don't despair. Keep coming here when you feel lonely.

The purpose of Plan B is to help faciliate an END TO THE AFFAIR by pulling the WS out of dreamland if Plan A does not work.

From Harley:

"If the first plan (plan A) is unsuccessful in separating the wayward spouse from the lover, the second plan (plan B) is followed until the affair is ended. This sequence -- plan A followed by plan B -- represents the most sensible approach to handling a wayward spouse's inability to decide between the lover and the betrayed spouse. "

and continues:

"Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B."

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I think the death of the lady from church and then looking at all of our vacation photos has really set me off.

I REALLY miss him. The photos brought back so many memories of all the things we've done (and all the plans we still had to go other places). He was going to meet me in FL this May after my company symposium and we were going to vacation at DisneyWorld for a few days. I even have park tickets.

Obviously there is still a LOT of love left in me for him. I wish in a way I could just lock it all in a box and move on. It would be easier.

I am obcessing tonight--thinking, what if something happens and I never hear from him again? What if he decides he wants OW or to be on his own, single. All our dreams...gone...

(I'm even angry with myself for my pity party, which is just compounding the problem! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> )

LL, it is all for a good purpose, just keep telling yourself that. Do you have a good workout video that you can do?

Uh....it's still wrapped in plastic. But I have one--and it looks like it would be good. Bought it a few weeks ago.

Just haven't felt like opening it up--too skinny already, and never did like exercise.

Exercise will give you great muscle and fill ya out! What tape is it? Is it cardio or weights? It really would make you feel good. When I work out, I just LOSE myself in it, it is a wonderful escape and produces lots of relaxing endorphins. Really!

What tape is it? Is it cardio or weights?

"The Firm - Total Body" - super cardio mix

Along with not liking to exercise, WH took his PS2 out of our bedroom, so now our only DVD player is in the family room (i.e., exercising with an audience). I really do need weight training. I am REALLY thin from my waist up. I just don't need to do a lot of aerobic things that will burn a bunch of calories until I manage to put some of my weight back on.

-------------------------------------------
Totally unrelated question to above:

I have the March calendar for DD's school. She has school both the next 2 Fridays, and then is off the following 2. This means WH will need to pick her up at noon these next 2 Fridays. If I shouldn't call to tell him (and if "friends" have made it clear they will babysit DD if need be but won't get dragged in the middle of the him/me stuff), this is back to the contact problem.

Should I call him to tell him, or is it permissible to send him a note via snail-mail? Since I'm not sure how often he checks his mail, I'd need to send it by tomorrow or Tuesday.

Opinions?

(I'm feeling a little better, but only because my sis keeps telling me she just doesn't believe he'll walk away from me forever. She says she has no idea how long it might take, but she doesn't see WH living without me. She's probably setting me up for a BIG fall, but he's been sort of like the brother she never had since she was 12.)

Still REALLY afraid that out-of-sight will mean out-of-mind and he might just decide, "hey, this isn't so bad after all".

BTW MelodyLane, I read your post about men. I know my marriage has been tainted with WH's alcoholism and two A's on his part (and one very brief on my part 14 years ago), I can sort of relate to what you posted, which is why I'm wanting to make sure I'm doing everything I can to let him know I want to change and that I do want to show him I respect him (though in Plan B, it's rather tough now).

Although he may have "ruled" in a way, and thrown childish tantrums when he didn't get his way, never called on time, never came home on time...

I made ALL business decisions, all house-buying decisions, all vacation decisions, pretty much all major decisions...and expected him to follow along like a puppy. I'm not saying we don't have a nice house now and haven't had some great vacations, but there have been times when I knew he didn't agree with me, and I just sort of railroaded my choices through. If I wanted something, I got it. If I had to work, that was more important than coming home to him and kids. I am VERY guilty of some very selfish treatment. I see way too late what he said about feeling taken for granted...that he was just there out of convenience. I think it also bothered him as a man that I have a higher-paying corporate position, while he's an auto technician (which NEVER bothered me, by the way).

I want him to know that I do love him (NOT the A!), but the H that is underneath the WH shell and want to learn how to make him happy, too.

Guys/gals - your prayers that he will dump OW and come back so I can have a second chance.

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 12:38 AM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Plan B is not easy in the first week.

You will start to think and wonder

· If he misses you
· If he is with OW and having a great time
· Will he ever comes back
· If he still loves you
· How long will this last?
· How long can you go on living without him
· Will MB plan works and what if this is one of those rare cases where MB does not work
· What he feels
· What he thinks
· wondering if he is any closer to ending the A or if he is more committed to it
· You will wonder if it is the right thing to do.
· Why do I want him to come back? He has caused great pain for all of us.
· how our WS's can go about their lives like nothing is wrong.
· I'm scared that I'm going to get used to this and not want him back.
· feel that perhaps letting go of him forever will be easier than actually going into recovery with him because recovery is harder and seeing him again every day and remembering all he did to me is just going to hurt me so much, all over again.
· IF indeed he ends it. How can I tell he is telling the truth? I had to deal with a lying H, and I don't know what to believe anymore. I don't trust him and I don't trust me because I have been always too gulible?

You will be obsessed with these thoughts and it repeat again and again. You will think of him 24/7.

This is what they call a withdrawal phase. You are in no contact...you are experiencing what your WH would be experiencing if he was the one who is doing the NC with OW.

In the same situation...you would want your WH to be in NC forever with OW...right? It is the only way to save the marriage, correct? This is the same situation. You need to stay in NC with WS.

To get over the withdrawal phase...especially since us BS has no OM to fall back on...we need to do things to fill the time. I know you don't feel like it. i know you feel like mopping around but you need to get moving. Do dancing, fishing, excising...whatever...just do it. I went to a resort without my WS...first time ever...watch a movie by myself...first time ever...it ain't so bad.

I still feel like mopping around from time to time. And i still think about him often enough but it gets better each day. That strong urge of losing him gets less and less.

Avoid him at all cost. Look what happen to me last night...read my thread at My on going Plan B...

You will get that superwoman feeling one day and really really depress the next day. But believe me...the superwoman days are MORE than the other. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Try not to think about him. Easier said than done coz i am still struggling with that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just remember you are not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lordslady:
[QB] What tape is it? Is it cardio or weights?

"The Firm - Total Body" - super cardio mix</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thats a pretty intense cardio workout. Can you pick up the other Firm's, like Body Sculpt or Cardio Sculpt? You need some cardio for heart health and endorphins but mostly weight training. Do you lose weight from working out?


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I have the March calendar for DD's school. She has school both the next 2 Fridays, and then is off the following 2. This means WH will need to pick her up at noon these next 2 Fridays. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What alternatives do you have? You shouldn't contact him at all. It will just give him reassurance.

ML,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Do you lose weight from working out?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">How the heck to I know? All my other exercise videos were used either once or none. I don't work out!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (see...herein lies the problem)

I've always been really thin. In my 20's tried desparately to gain weight. Metabolism changed when I hit 30 and I actually did gain about 10lb over just a few years, and it scared me to death because my relatives are all heavy and diabetic. So each time I get over 130, I cut way back on what I'm eating. I got to 137 last year. That's still underweight for my height, but I'm comfortable with it. However, when I stress, I lose my appetite and I drop weight RAPIDLY. I lost the first 10lb in less than 2 weeks. The rest has slowly melted off, and now I'm at 118. I'm eating from McDonalds nearly every morning to try and put some of the weight back on. Probalby all I've succeeded in doing is raisng my cholesteral to 500, so I won't be going to the Dr. for that test for a while.

I'll look for the other workouts. I found this one at Target. I think they had several others.

As for the school contact piece, I do not trust his shop office people to relay message properly. They've never been able to correctly relay to him when I'm traveling that I've had to make a flight change. Other than that there really is no one.

I think rather than calling, I will send the info to his apt, with another kind reminder that now that he has his tax refund, it might be beneficial to get his new phone he's due for and to add txt msg so we could more easily communicate these types of things.

Anyone reading, please let me know if I should call instead--otherwise, I'll send the note from here at work today.
--------------------------------------------
Zizzycool,

Other than not being more worried (yet anyway) about recovery than just letting go now, and getting used to this and not wanting him back, I believe you did a VERY, VERY good job nailing all my feelings!

The ones about "what if this doesn't work", or "does he miss me" or "are he and OW having a great time (ie, is she living with him now?)", and "will he ever come back" are probably the ones at the front of my mind most of the time.

I guess it is perhaps comforting to know someone else understands how I feel. I guess it is sort of withdrawal. I just never thought I'd have to withdraw from my H, unless he passed away before I did.

I'll keep hanging in there. I'm pretty blue yet today, and that it's cloudy and dreary again doesn't help. I need some sunshine.

LL

I do have one question - probably dumb - but on my mind (goes along with the "will he forget me" thing).

If part of Plan B is for us to break away from our WH and basically wean off them to become more independent, won't it have the same effect on WH? Won't it allow him to realize he's perfectly able to live without me, too?

Just my paranoia about losing him permanently working overtime today! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Her: no transportation/ me: nice car
Her: no job/ me: good job
Her: living with friends/ me: nice house
Her: a baby to deal with/ me: kids nearly grown
Her: sleazy/bisexual/ me: moral/trustworthy
Her: known him 6-7 months/ me: 23 yrs

Physically, though I'm no movie star, I believe I'm probably as attractive or more attractive than she is, even being 13 years older. (She does have the body curves I don't have, though.)

However, she's 25 (ego boost), and being home all day (or at his apt) means she can take care of all the warm/fuzzy/homemaker needs that I failed at by being at work all the time. And they both like to party and drink. I don't.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I personally thnk that the lower class OW, the less they demand from the WS. So, he is getting his ego stroked AND she's willing to settle for less.

I am going thru exactly the same thing today...my h left saturday...and I cannot compete with the OW who is whispering in his ear (I wonder if she hears her echo in his empty head?)...it's his mother.

FMD,

I'm dense...is it really his mother who he can't let go of?

All others: I sent my communication about DD's Friday transportation to WH in the form of a note and am mailing it tonight on my way home from work, with an additional suggestion that he get a cell phone with txt messaging, and a couple other things.

Now I'm obcessing over the no-contact thing because even though I told him not to, I was sort of hoping he'd violate it and call me yesterday or today. I really am only thinking of our good moments now, and that's making it hard. I can't even be angry at him. I just want him to come back to us. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

What if he really will just end up with her because she's so low on the food chain and expects so little of him, and makes him so happy in return (because he's her knight in shining armour who can pull her out of the total mess she's made of her life). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />


LL

<small>[ March 01, 2004, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: lordslady ]</small>

Just in case anyone new here does care to know the longer and more drawn out version of my warped life, see my other post (I'd link to it if I knew how):

"Disoriented by his fog"

Probably should have left it all together, but wanted a fresh start with Plan B.

As for Plan B, I do feel like a total wimp. Only been in it 6 days, and really have only had total black-out, no phone contact for three of those (Thurs, yesterday and today).

It's not even been a week since I've seen him personally, and all I can think of is how much I miss him, and how OW (since she has no job) is probably now catering to his ever wish and whim in the apartment and that there'll never be a reason for him to come back home because he has it too good where he is right now.

<img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

ok, what about doing a work out when you feel like this? Where can you buy some workouts? Do you have a Walmart close by?

How will you know your H got the message and will pick up your daughter? What alternative plans can you make to get her picked up?

Yes, there are Walmarts nearby. I'm actually still at work, so not working out yet. If I take a less-direct route home, I can pass right by one and look for one of the other videos.

Just here by myself now and it's really lonely and I'm FREAKING OUT. I want my life back. I am NOT coping with the very, very real possibility that he and I will never be together again.

How will I know if he gets the card? I'm not sure yet, although if I mail it tonight at the main post office, it will arrive at his apt tomorrow. SURELY, he'll check his mail before Friday.

No alternate plans yet. My friends for the most part all work until mid-afternoon. And all relatives live out of town except MIL who I don't even speak to normally (and she works, too).

I'm just obcessing tonight...have myself basically sick. Darned vacation photos last night. I want my life back.

PS--My visions for the past 24 hours...

She's probably set up house with him now (even though it's not legal with the baby there) and is doing his laundry, cooking for him, cleaning, and basically doing all the things I failed so miserably at because I was working. Why should he want to come back? He'd be crazy. He has it made, if he can accept the drop in lifestyle.