I've been strategizing, counseling, reading, talking, Plan Aing, Plan Bing, Plan Aing again, posting/reading here, you name it, for more than a year now. Fixing my marriage has been my obsession. Meanwhile, separating, affair-loving husband has done zippo and won't even talk about the situation.<P>I have to stop this before it kills me. A dear friend said to me this past week that I have two alternative: 1) file for divorce and end the marriage, or 2) stop working it, file it away in a box, and open it months later when I'm ready. I don't know how to do alternative #2 - I have never operated that way in my entire life. I've always been a problem solver and a fixer. This illogical problem that I've been working has no answer, so I never give up. In the process, I've forgotten about myself. I can't even answer people when they ask me what I want.<P>To do this, I think it means that I have to step back and focus on ME and all the things I love (travel, athletics, recreation, friends, going out) and stop working on the marriage. I think it means to stop THINKING ABOUT the marriage - stop the books, the forum, the analysis - and start living my own life as-if this marriage will never recover.<P>What do you think and how on earth can I do this?

I feel the same way and it is VERY hard! This last week has been easier for me though. I have really started to enjoy my life and I think that is good. I think I am starting to accept that our marriage is over and I am focusing on getting through the court date and being good friends and parents with my H. Yes I am still angry that H and OW are going out of town on vacation in 2 weeks and it will kill me every night that they are gone, but I am starting to take my life back a little and I hope that you can do the same. Good Luck!<P>------------------<BR>Rachel :)<P>

I think its good to take care of yourself. I have a trip planned in May of 2000 to go up the Mississippi on a riverboat cruise with my parents, aunts, uncles, sister & BIL and my daughter. I never would have even thought of spending that kind of $$ on myself before. I am slowly coming around to the realization I don't have to have SOMEONE in order to have a good time. In fact, every time we are in a crowd, etc., I would always be afraid I might say the wrong thing and piss him off. I am slowly getting relaxed. Don't get me wrong -- I long for someone to give me "that gaze", want to hold hands, etc, etc and be romantic with me. Thinking back, that was a need he never met. The only time I got affection was when he wanted sex. Sex with him was pretty boring as well. He never was interested enough in me to get creative. When I'd get creative he never said he liked it.

Go ahead TAKE YOUR LIFE BACK!!!!<P>That's what I'm attempting to do WITHOUT slaming the proverbial door in his face.<P>But I think it's the only answer!

amazing . . . there actually are some people not as hopelessly brainwashed as I had thought . . . to paraphrase:<P>GO, BABY, GO ! ! ! <P>

I am struggling with this as well. It is really, really difficult to let go of hope without also slamming the door. <P>I had a Monday Night Football party this week with friends and people from work. It was great fun! I was so proud of myself for actually doing it, instead of moping around the house feeling sorry for myself. And H wasn't invited!!! I told him I'd much rather be enjoying life with him, but I'm going to start enjoying life again either way.

My wife is divorcing me because of my infidelity. We have been married for 25 years. I am 45 she is 43. I am a remodeling contractor. I analyze peoples problems with there house and then I find a solution and fix it. Over the last four months of separation from my wife I have read about fifteen books on surviving infedility, saving your marriage, divorce is not the answer, healing your relationship, and love at mid-life. I am seeing a counselor and have had one session with Dr. Harley. It is at the state where I am obsessed with trying to fix (save) my marriage. I keep looking for the answer. I also wonder if I need to back off.

My wife is divorcing me because of my infidelity. We have been married for 25 years. I am 45 she is 43. I am a remodeling contractor. I analyze peoples problems with there house and then I find a solution and fix it. Over the last four months of separation from my wife I have read about fifteen books on surviving infedility, saving your marriage, divorce is not the answer, healing your relationship, and love at mid-life. I am seeing a counselor and have had one session with Dr. Harley. It is at the state where I am obsessed with trying to fix (save) my marriage. I keep looking for the answer. I also wonder if I need to back off.

Distressed,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To do this, I think it means that I have to step back and focus on ME and all the things I love (travel, athletics, recreation, friends, going out) and stop working on the marriage. I think it means to stop THINKING ABOUT the marriage - stop the books, the forum, the analysis - and start living my own life as-if this marriage will never recover.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey---this happens to sound like Plan B. You should take care of yourself. The only things I'd advise you not to do is to date. I think it's a good idea for you---it's not easy, but as you start, you'll find the road easier. When you come to the point that you no longer want your husband back (and you're ready to live completely without him), you'll be ready for divorce.<P><p>[This message has been edited by K (edited September 15, 1999).]