looking for advice on my situation. My wife is having trouble deciding between myself and OM. We have been seperated for four months now and have some contact.She seems to be addicted to him
and has told him three times now that there to have NC untill she makes up her mind.she keeps breaking her word though.She seems very angry with the world right now and has decided to go to a retreat to " find herself ". Her affair has been on going for a year now with no end in sight.Have tried plan A with little results. My W works in another city and OP works close by. Have been told by a friend of my wife that OP is getting agrivated by my W refusal to make a decision. Should i go to plan B or stay the course and wait him out. My W can't seem to decide , she is professing her love for him , however she say's she loves me , but not IN love with me.
any advice would be appreciated
quartz

quartz, it is time for you to move to Plan B, and quickly. Plan B is to be used to facilate an end to the affair when the WS is on the fence, having her cake and eating it too. She is now getting her needs met by TWO men and has no motivation to stop. What woman in her right mind would give that up willinging?

The idea is to STOP meeting her needs so that she is able to see that the OM can't possibly meet all of her needs. Usually affairs are frought with problems, especially deep mistrust, so they very soon fall apart. Rarely do affairs ever grow into something more permanent. If you pull out, you can possibly pull her off the fence. But, the longer you are in contact, the longer she can stay on that fence.

Plan B involves sending a love letter to the WS telling them that you want to end contact with them. You tell her you love her but that you are moving on with your life for now and if she wants to join the parade she can do specific things. First thing being, END CONTACT WITH THE OM COMPLETELY.

Here is some good reading that will familiarize you with Plan B:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=30&t=000177

I agree with Melody.

Until your W is "forced" to make a decision, she will live in the cake eating land of having 2 men to jump as high as she would have them jump to meet her needs. She's getting all sorts of attention from the both of you.

As long as you know you did a good enough Plan A to leave her with good thoughts of you and a good amount of deposoits in her Love Bank, I would say Plan B is where you want to be.

Good luck! And God bless.

thanks for responding
I have told my wife(who say's she hasn't had any contact with OM in a month)that we should think about ending things (dividing assets).She thinks we should seperate with out dividing things up for now. She doesn't have much faith in going to see a counseler of any kind and doesn't know what our seperation is going to accomplish,just that she needs time away from eveybody to find her sanity and make a choice (him or me).I'm trying to get her to a pro-marriage counsler to maybe see if there's any to work towards in our marriage,however she is very skeptical of seeing one.my question is .....should i plan B or seperate some what to give her the time she say's she needs to figure things out?

quartz, Plan B is seperating. But you don't do it in the traditional manner. First off, SHE is the one who has to move, she is the one who had the affair.

Has she really ended contact with the OM? Is that TRUE? If it is, she might just be in withdrawal, and if that is the case, you might drag this out and try NOT to seperate. See, the purpose of Plan B is to END THE AFFAIR.

However, I suspect that the affair has not ended at all. When a WS says they want to seperate to "think" it means they want to move out so they can see the OP without obstacles.

If you can do phone counseling alone with the Harley's you would probably find it very helpful. They are wonderful counselors who can assess your situation and put you on the right path.

OK - I'm a little bit ahead of you on this roller coaster.

Your sounding very emotional right now. Do I divide assets? Do I get her to councling? Do I wait? Do I force her to pick?

Believe I was there right after my WW left and then asked me for space, told me she didn't think she could talk to me for a while etc. That was in June 2003.

The funny thing was being placed into a modified plan B made me stronger and helped clear my head.
I wanted a solution right then but I was trying to completely control and change a situation that needed time to develope and evolve.

Just last week did my WW and I met and she seemed a little more normal. Not so cold, confussed angry with me etc (see recent post)

So my suggestion is Plan B. Respect her need for space and stay away from her. It will be hard but you will get stronger and be able to think clearer. Don't rush to split everything becuase she's not reacting they way you want. Slit everything when your ready.

Give time a chance to work.

Remember if you try and control her decissions she will only rebel from you more.

Good Luck

thanks for the reply's
WW is going to find an apartment having our son live half the time with her ..the other half with me in our house. She say's she is not committed to working on our marriage and needs time alone from EVERYONE to find herself. My problem is i'm not sure we can swing a house and an apartment. Should we divide things up totaly and sell the house and if we get together again at some point we can start over or try to swing it. Also if we try to swing it should we set a time limit to the seperation ,say six months.
We went to a new counsler this morning and she pretty much told me to get on with my life , i've been in limbo too long and is not good for me. My problem is i love my wife and family and am having a hard time with moving on. Any advice would be appreciated.
thanks

quartz, can you have full time custody of your son? Your W is moving out so she can be with OM and your son doesn't need to be ripped from his home to watch that. I would try to make sure he sleeps in his own bed every night and just visits her occasionally. He needs his mother, but he also needs the comfort and security of his own home.

As far as dividing assets and selling the house, I would do neither. You might have to seperate accounts and take her off your credit cards in order to protect yourself. Protect yourself financially at all costs!

I would make your W pay for the apartment and pay you child support and continue to pay the household bils if you can. You can't let her off the hook.

I would make NO time limit for seperation, that will just give her license to carry on her affair for 6 years. I suggest you go right into Plan B instead. Plan B is when you end all contact with your spouse until they end the affair and are ready to come back into the marriage with a full committment.

You start this process by giving her a Plan B letter telling her that you love her, but that her behavior is eroding any remaining love you have for her. And for that reason you must end contact until she has ceased her affair and is ready to work on the marriage. You then tell ask her not to contact you unless it is an emergency.

Before you go into Plan B, it's important to set up a visitation schedule with your son and take care of any financial issues. You can also designate a go-between person who can pass on messages between you.

I would also tell all of your family and all of her family and friends about her affair. Exposing the affair can be very effective in hastening its death.

Is the OM married?

quartz, the purpose of Plan B is not to end your marriage, but to help END THE AFFAIR. Often when the WS can't make up their mind it is becauwe they are getting their needs met in TWO places and have no motivation to end such a set up. When you cut off contact, she will quickly realize that the OM can't possibly meet all her needs. It is a splash of cold water to them that often helps end the affair.

WW is going to find an apartment
Let her. You don;t have to "agree" with a separation but you cannot stop it either.

having our son live half the time with her
I HIGHLY suggest you do NOT let her do this. Keep him in your home!

Should we divide things up totaly and sell the house
No.

and if we get together again at some point we can start over or try to swing it. Also if we try to swing it should we set a time limit to the seperation ,say six months.
She is not going t agree to 6 months. SHe will simply tell you that she "needs to be alone for awhile" and "I will figure it out later."

Don‘t agree to any separation. Again, you cannot stop it but you don‘t have to agree with it.

She say's she is not committed to working on our marriage and needs time alone from EVERYONE to find herself.
Sadly, that is not why she wants a separation. The only thing she WILL do while separated is continue her affair with you not around to "meddle" with her.

We went to a new counsler this morning and she pretty much told me to get on with my life
Get a new counselor.
I HIGHLY suggest Steve Harley (see below)

Also, read “Surviving An Affair” by Dr Willard Harley and read the links below.

Thanks for your input...everyone
My ww has decided to get a place of her own and has asked me not to start seeing anyone for a couple of months(not that i want to)She say's if she has contact with OM she will tell me. This time away is for herself to decide between the two of us .If i find out she is seeing OM should i tell her it's over completely or still stick with plan B.buy the way i haven't given her a plan B letter yet.It sounds like she still wants to have some contact with me during this seperation.I don't think she wants to lose our house, family,friends,and everthing we've worked so hard for.Any advice? Thanks.

I don't think she wants to lose our house, family,friends,and everthing we've worked so hard for.Any advice?

Disclose the affair to all the friends and family.

Especially family and very close friends.

And, if OM has a wife or a girlfriend, disclose to her as well.

Take the affair out of the darkness and expose it to the light of day.

This tends to make her decision more honest.

Don't go another week without disclosure.

She gets mad? So what.


Your marriage is on fire! Get the big hoses and douse the flames.

Pep

GO TO PLAN B. Full out.

Read all about it in above Concepts links, and DO IT RIGHT.

thanks for all the advice
My WW now thinks that I should move out instead of her . She thinks it would be easier for our son.She seems to be the one initiating a modified plan B . She wants me to move out and have no contact with her.(wonder if she has heard of plan A,B).She seems very lost(still says she has had no contact with OM)and upset and angry.She says if we continue to see each other she will eventually lose what love she does have for me and end up hating me.
heeeeeeelp.

NO!! Don't move out!! You did nothing wrong.

She had the affair. If you are going to separate, she must be the one to move.

Why should you leave the comfort and security of your home at a time like this?

Stay put!!

I'm not sure i plan A as well as i could have to try to move to plan B.Should i continye to plan a when WW moves out of the house.

Just wondering
I don't think I did a very effective plan A,a few LB's,wondering if i should continue with plan A when WW moves out or if that's possible.
Any advice would be helpful.
thanks