I am planning on giving the Plan B letter still, haven't had time to work on it with the two kids full time and all, but I still have the rest of tonight to post it. What I am wondering is if I should Plan B and just throw in the towel? I just want to hear from someone who can tell me that their WH left them, their house that they worked so hard on for years, their child who is only 3, their dog and all their belongings for OW and then came back to work things out? Does this really happen? He says he is in love with her and he doesn't undertstand it and he can't make me understand it? Is it really love? Is it really fog talk? How can you tell the difference? They saw each other every night from July 03 at work and after work until this present day. How do I know it isn't love? How do I know if I Plan B I will never see him again? I am in the same boat as LL, I am scared I will never have him back in my life again. If I did would I want him after abandoning me and the kids? I have had two back surgeries and he just walks out and leaves me with everything....he never even asks how I am doing or how the kids are doing? He never calls. How do you know the A will ever end? What if they get married? Can anyone tell me that this honestly does work out in the end? He falls so hard for women and he is so head over heels for her I just don't understand. What if OW can meet all of his needs? OW has a son a year older than ours, what if he takes our sons place for him? Angry, hurt and confused. Can anyone answer these questions for me or try to please?

I am sending you a (((HUG))) I know what you are saying and....? I would give him the Plan B Letter.

If I said what I feel right now about Plan B I would be blasted off this board!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I am on the rollercoaster ride with you so all I can say is you are not alone. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

We just have to try what we can and put it into Gods hands and see were it will go, to a new path of life for us or for the fight of our lives.

You will know, if it is your head telling you, or your heart speaking to you. Some days your head is telling you for get this sh$t and blah blah and in a few days you heart is telling you I miss his touch, I love him. That is to me what the rollercoaster ride is.

So go to Plan B and try it for as long as your heart will. Your heart always speaks the truth.Our mind has been trained though out life to protect us from harm, so it can fool us when we are not listen to what our heart is saying. Am I making sense to ya?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I hope so. I do know I love my husband and I would had to the day I died.Good Luck and hang in there. I can not say this enough you are not alone on this they are all here when you need them.

N2N

Are you in Plan B? How long have you been in Plan B? When I hand my WH the Plan B, he is going to think I am crazy. For one he doesn't know anything at all about MB which I know is best. Second, he thinks our marriage is over and he is exclusively with her now, so when I give him this letter he is going to say good ridence to you honey. I am through with her, and now I don't even have to see her and feel guilty about what I have done. I actually think he will feel better and I will feel worse. I am still going to do it, but I know he isn't going to care and I know that Plan B isn't about WH, but in a way you want it to make them open their eyes and see what they are missing. I think OW is meeting his needs because he acts like everything is great with him. How can it be? How can he walk away from everything and it be so great? Yuck! Puke! Choke! If you saw her you would understand my whole state of mind. Thanks for listening.

Are you still here?

<small>[ March 02, 2004, 05:50 PM: Message edited by: No2nos ]</small>

I hope that is No2nos@wmconnect with a .com at the end. I sent you an email you should get it shortly. thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi hopeless,

I am sorry you're having a hard time.Infidelity is just such a rotten situation to go through.

I guess what I would like for you to understand is that Plan B WILL help you in ways you can't know yet.You still sound very sad and anxious and hopeless,as your login describes.One thing that is certain is that no matter what you do,you cannot control what your WH does,says or believes.

Yes it stinks that he is off and running with the OW and heck no it is SO not fair.But once you release *yourself from the responsibility you have placed upon yourself to try and change or manipulate any outcome,therein lies your freedom.Plan B helps you get there.This is my opinion.I am sure not everyone has had an epiphany like me but to me that means the self work has not been done.

Plan B worked for me and my WH has made,what seems to be ,a remarkable turn around.I am very anxious to hear what it was that changed within him to end the A with the OW that he thought he was "in love" with and no longer is.But that is next week(MC) and I hopefully will have some info to share about that.

You are asking so many questions and I know you want answers but I think they are not answerable right now.You need to get your ducks in a row and get yourself into that Plan B and focus on YOU and your kids.You are still spinning your wheels on your WH life but he is on his own journey right now.You have to let him go,so that he may return.

Is this hard to do? Most Definitely! Is this scary? Sure! Do you know what will happen? NO and that is what is hurting you.You are expending too much thought and energy on someone elses,your WH,house.Clean out your own house first so that if HW does decide to come home,it will be ready.I hope you get the idea here.What is the alternative? You push too hard and he pulls away even harder.

** Plan B is NOT throwing in the towel,the dramatics have got to go.Plan B is a state of growth,renewal and empowerment for the BS.

Hopeless,you do need to face the fact that WH may not come home.That also is part of Plan B's theme IMO.You act and live as though you have moved on.And if that is what the future holds for you and your children,as lousy as that may be,you need to accept that possibility.When you do face it,it has less power over you.It is all about acceptance and for some it is a hard place to get to.I think I reached it rather soon and I believe that my faith and my belief in God has helped me to do that.

I will say a prayer for you.Inner peace,patience and strength is what I will hope for you.

O

O

Thank you. That was actually quite inspiring and very nice to hear all of that. I actually feel a little better. You are right, sometimes you just need to hear it from someone who has been there already. I do need to clean my house, and it would be nice to not worry about WH. I am in so much pain when he comes here to get S after he leaves I am worthless for the entire day <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> . Because of this Plan B is the only way for me in this state I am in. I have been tryng to accept the fact that WH will not come back. I am preparing myself daily for life without him. I know I will have withdrawal from him intensely and this I fear. Thanks for the advice. I know you are right! I pray everyday for everyone on this board I truly do. You are all my friends and without you I don't know where I would be. At the bottom of the pit I imagine. I learned so much from everyone here. My WH is classic textbook material so far. He is deep in the fog, I think he is a longlasting fogger though. I just hope that if he ever comes out of it I am still here for him. My love is fading with the thoughts of what he has done and how he has treated us in this time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Octobergirl has hit it right on the nail. We don't know! Just do what you have to for you and your son.

Oh

Big {{{{{HUGS}}}}} to you!

Please....try to remember that facing the possibility of one's spouse not returning to the family takes time.It is not an overnight experience.Yes it huuurts.I know.Withdrawal from your spouse in this Plan B I really think depends upon your feelings of self worth.The more one suffers deeply the less self esteem and self worth is present JMHO. Some may not agree but I can tell you from my experience,being a woman with a very strong sense of self and worth,of right and wrong,of faith and conviction,that I have been able to reach a point of....acceptance? shall we say earlier than other's may have.I was able to get to a place in my heart and mind that I would be ok no matter what,that whatever decision I made would be the right one.It would be hard yes,none of this is easy,it is a struggle for which we need God's help.

So now,for me,I have a new set of challenges.I have a WH that wants to reconcile,while I am ambivalent.I have an anger and resentment that is building,most likely due to my WH coming home soon.SO I am dealing with that now but I maintain my focus on me and my children,knowing that I am also on my own journey and it is God's journey,one in which I know I will become closer to God and faith filled.

Think of your WH and the A and the pain and all that it encompasses,think of it as a giant pile of laundry.Scoop it up and take it into the basement and leave it there by the washer.This,you will deal with when the time comes.For now,you have other duties to attend to.This pile is not forgotten,it is still meaningful,it will be taken care of one way or another,but you will get to it when the time is right.

O

Plan B is actually quite pleasant compared to the rollercoaster before. I have been in Plan B (with a few slips) since September. H was completely gone for four months and then suddenly started showing up again.

Thankfully, I got much stronger and did not let him move back in. He is still with OW, and I am the one moving on.

Keep posting here and we will help you through this. There are lots of people here who have reconciled.

Hopeless, for what it is worth I have been told that the chances of a man returning to a marriage and working things out are much greater than a woman doing the same thing. I think you are in a much better (not good, of course) situation than I, as a man, am in.

My wife left me for the OM, and frankly, while I pray for her return to our marriage, I feel it probably won't happen. But, I will wait as I firmly believe that I am waiting for GOD to act one way or the other. In time he will let me know that I must do.

O, Believer, JE

Thanks so much for all your support. I think that it will be much easier not knowing what he is up to. And I was not religious at all until this experience. I truly believe that GOD has a plan for me in this. I don't know which way he is going to take me and my children, but I know it will be a better place no matter what. I know my marriage wasn't good. I have pondered our union for hours and I wasn't happy either, I would never have an A though. My WH is not a talker, in fact we have talked more about us during this whole A more than we ever have in our whole ten years together. If we ever do reconcile I know it would be better than ever, but he really thinks he is in love with this girl. Maybe he is, and if he is and he never returns....when do you know it is okay to move on? If someone asks you out when do you feel it is okay to go? Do you ever quit loving that person so strongly that no matter what you would feel like you are cheating on them? I can't imagine ever being with anyone but my H. I was married once before and I thought the same thing about my ex-H when I was with him, but it was easier then. I was younger and I don't think I was in love with him like I am with my H now. Also he was an alcoholic and not very nice. Thanks for support. I will keep posting as I always do.

I can certainly relate to how you feel. When my H told me on Valentines Day 3 yrs ago that he was in love with OW( a single coworker) and wanted a divorce I alternated between despair, shock and anger back and forth over and over.It is hard to think clearly when you never know what each day will bring. I followed the guidelines in the books 'Surviving an Affair' and "Love Must be Tough" and prayed that my WH would wake up. The thing that snapped my WH out of the fog was the pressure OW put on him to divorce me to be with her.When he refused to end contact with her I asked him to move out and think things thru. Naturally he ran straight to OW who urged him to consult with divorce lawyers and look for an apt. During the time we were separated he kept telling me he wanted a divorce, but deep down he was unsure and the more OW ratcheted up the pressure the more he was in the fog.It got to the point where he was truly like a stranger to me even though we had been married 15 yrs at the time! He finally filed for divorce and I told him to expect the longest contested divorce in OH state history! I told him that I believe divorce is wrong, against my religious beliefs, harmful to our 3 children and that I would never agree to it. Although this ticked him off at first I would repeat it calmly and then refuse to discuss D further. After he filed on me at the urging of OW, he suddenly snapped out of it and started crying telling me he was making the worst mistake of his life. He cancelled the D the day after I was served with the papers and after that we were in counseling for a year. When I look back at it all I felt sure at the time that our marriage was over because WH repeatedly told me that our marriage was 'over in his head' and 'hopeless'. That did not prove to be the case because we have been back together for 2 yrs now and getting stronger every day.It's been a long and winding road. Take care- lifeismessy

LIM

Thanks for your story I appreciated you sharing it with me. I already told WH that I was never filing for divorce ever. He didn't say anything. He truly thinks he is in love with this girl, but I know he still loves me too. He told me he did until the day he left, then he quit saying it. I do believe deep down that he will eventually see that he really is just in lust/or has a passion with this girl that we had lost. I wish I could get him to come to this site and see all the people. I actually might print your story out some day and show it to him. I think he would be surprised how many people are in the same state we are in right now. He has no idea. You said you followed SAA, did you go into plan B? Thanks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

One more post for tonight.

You have not taken the laundry down to the basement.How do I know? You are still asking so many questions that you cannot have the answers to yet.NO,NO.NO.You are asking about moving on and dating and going out already?? STOP!

Please try to find the **stillness in your heart and soul.This is where the introspection and growth comes from.No more mind noise ok?

O

O

You are right. I am taking the laundry down right now and leaving it there. I am going to just take care of me and my children for now. No more wondering I promise. On with life. I am a mom, I can multi-task right? I will be strong no matter what, I have a daughter and I don't want her to see me crumble again. She is eleven and she needs to see me strong and I know it. Thanks to all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Ok,THIS is my last post.

GOOD GIRL! I'm proud of you.You'll get there.Now I can sleep tonight! LOL

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Hey farm girl! You are doing great. As I posted earlier on my new thread, if WH cancels MT today, it is Plan B for him, after I have consulted an attorney.

So, we could "submit" our Plan B drafts on the same day! Wow!

I have taken my laundry down stairs. I just have to leave it there! WH tempts me to sort through it, and as O says, now is not the time.

I will sort that laundry and process it either when he: agrees to NC and to reconciliation or he files for a D and I sort through what is left of it on my own.

Period. The end.

We are on the same road, sister. And I, for one, am looking forward to Plan B. This rollercoaster ride sucks! I believe a very wise MB member has a thread called that somewhere around here . . .

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Amy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Are you cheered up yet? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Amy Maree

You would be so proud of me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I did so good today when WH came. I looked good and I smelled good. I didn't cry, I didn't LB. I left when he got here to take D to Drs. When we got back, he dumped the burn barrel for me, changed S diaper (big pooper one), then I made him lunch and he sat at the table and ate lunch with us. We engaged in very nice conversation. Me and him and my D. We talked about longevity in our families. How old our grandparents are/were and still living alone. I did everything right, I smiled, I listened I acted interested. I was great if I do say so myself. He said lunch was very good, then he had some cherry cobbler than my 11 YO D made. When he had to leave for work he hugged and kissed my D, told he loved her, kissed S and hugged me. Of course I snuck in a little peck on the cheek. I asked him if he had made his dinner already for work tonight. Everything went perfect. When he was leaving I said see you on Fri. and he looked down and looked very sad and said Okay, bye. I don't think he really wants to do the custody thing, I don't think he really wants to be away from us. His cell phone rang while he was here. I think it was her calling, but there was a bad connection and it didn't go through. I held strong though. I am not sure If I want to Plan B now or if I should wait it out for a few more weeks. If I am strong I can Plan A for a little while longer. What do you think? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi again- I am glad my story was inspiring to you- now concerning your question to me if I did a plan B. I did do one in the sense that after 2 wks of WH's ongoing contact with OW after d-day I told him to either break it off for good with her or move out right away. He immediately threw all his 'stuff' LOL in a laundry basket and went to live at OW's condo. ( Meanwhile in an interesting twist- OW had been tranferred with her job about 6 hrs away and had put her condo up for sale so WH lived there right after she listed it for sale. She drove back on the weekends to see him to continue their undying SOULMATE sex affair that would never die! ( found her love notes to WH about that very thing!)I actually think if they hadn't been apart the affair would have died even quicker but it dragged on another 6 wks with OW coming back on the weekends. WH missed the kids, his dinner on the table and our new home we had just bought that year so he came over several nights a week to see them. ( looking back now I would have put firmer limits on how often he was allowed back home while we were separated because my anger later over this made recovery MUCH longer.) During this time he was telling me he didn't love me, he DID love OW and that divorce was inevitable. My pastor who knew the whole sordid mess told me to think of WH as 'temporarily insane!" That was sound advice!!!Steve Harley says to think of the affair as a sort of addiction like drugs. It affects their brains and scrambles their thinking big-time. I did find an attorney thru a church member and got some advice from him over the phone in case WH filed. I also created a support system for myself to keep myself sane, took a strong anti-anxiety/depression med. and drank one million lattes at Starbucks!I found following a strict plan B to be difficult because I preferred not to tell my children(especially my girls who were 9 and 13 at the time) about their dad's affair. I told them that he was 'making bad choices that led to him having to live away from us- NOT that I had thrown him out." I figured why burden my girls with WH's Fatal attraction going on! My mom told me 'someone has to be the grown-up here." Later on my not telling our girls the sordid details proved to be helpful in our recovery. I did tell WH's brother though and my family and many people from church- I figured WH should reap what he sows. When WH finally cancelled the D and moved back in he was in an emotional depression big time and slept on the couch downstairs mourning OW. I wish now that I had insisted we stayed separated longer and that WH had gone to counseling for awhile BEFORE letting him move back into the house. That would have eased the transitional phase. Harley says it is a COMMON thing for the WH to go thru a big depression when the affair is finally over. That was comforting to me to know that to expect that to happen. Especially in soulmate type affairs. WH and I went for 9 mo with no physical intimacy - some of that was during the affair time and then for several months after they broke up. It took awhile for him to quit being emotionally withdrawn from me and fall back in love so to speak.He had an entire mid-life crisis to work thru in addition to the affair blowing up. Take care- lifeismessy PS I like this quite from Winston Churchill- "When you're going thru hell, keep going!"