I just found out (one week ago) that my H has been in an A for the last year. I don't know much. He knows less. Doesn't know what he wants.... going on 43, MLC ?

I don't know any truths. Do I give up ? Do I walk away ? Do I try to work it out ? Do I get up in the morning ?

I threw him out the same day.

Half his stuff is still here, he moved back to MOM.

Please someone clear out my head so I know what I need to do first. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Betrayed,

Sorry you're here but very glad you found this site so soon. It was months before I found it.

You might also post on the "Just Found Out" board because the folks there are more in the same boat you are or they've been through it and have better insights to help you. I've been through it but it's so painful still I hate revisiting those feelings.

1. Everything takes TIME and a lot more than you'd think. It takes MONTHS. He won't know what he wants for a while. You won't get truths or believe him for a while, either.
2. Only you can answer whether or not you want to give up. You certainly have the right to, if that is what you want.
3. If you want to work on your marriage, read up on this site about Emotional Needs, Love Busters, and Plan A.

Is your H still seeing the OW (other woman)? Some of how you proceed will depend on that.

Read a lot, post a lot. There are lots of wise and helpful souls here.

OK, betrtayed, what you need to do first is invite him back home - regardless of whether he has ended the affair or not.

In parallel, read everything on this site. Get a copy of two books - Surviving an Affair and His Needs/Her Needs. Both are available from most booksellers and from the bookstore on this site.

Find a pro-marriage counselor.

Eat some humble pie and start looking for the contributions YOU made to the poor state of the marriage that created a ripe environment for the affair to occur. Fix them. This is the essence of Plan A which you'll read about here. I will not tell you where to find it - if you read enough, you'll stumble across it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Read the post linked in my sig line below and all the embedded links.

But right now - update your post with specific details including your marital history and everything you know about the other woman (OW) and your evidence of the affair.

We dated for 2 years, lived together for a few months and married in June 2000. I know next to nothing about the other woman except she's 28, lives about 1000 miles away but they talked of a future together. He met her walking into a grocery store ? Don't know if that's the truth or not. I suspected for awhile now, even accused him once before, but couldn't find any evidence. He acted very strangely last sunday night, after I went to bed, I saw him sneaking around the corner to see if I was still awake. I shortly found out he was leaving the house between midnight and 1 AM to call her to spend 4-5 hours on the phone every night. I found the pages and phone number on his cell phone. Confronted him, his first reply is he did nothing wrong. I called her. She didn't know he was married.

I invited him back home, said I didn't want to throw it all away. He took half his stuff out. One minute thinks he loves me, the other minute isn't sure. She dumped him. But I don't think it's over with them either. I think he's trying to keep both alive somehow.

He is convinced we won't work because if it goes down the drain, then he knows he is the one too blame. He said that right now he has nothing to win or lose, so he's better off trying to figure out himself.

He said "WE" ended a long time ago. Then why didn't he leave ?

I don't want to keep hanging by a thread if it's only going to break anyway, and I can't keep trying to keep our marriage together on my own. He either has to want it or not. And all the signs point to his giving up.

Hi betrayed,

Welcome to MB,a great source of knowledge and support.I am sorry you have joined our "club" but you will find that you are not alone.

First off,you have only found out about the affair(A) a week ago so your world is crashing in on you.All of us here know that feeling.Please keep in mind that you will be going through many emotions each day now for a long while and you cannot make ANY decisions about whether or not to stay married.That will come later.What you need to focus on for this time is your health.

When most people first find out,it is a tremendous shock.So you need to seek counseling right away and hopefully you can be referred to someone to possibly get you on antidepressants.I have been taking Remeron since last October and it really helped me.Some people do not like to take medication but I think it is really important to have that option if you find that you can't sleep,eat,are depressed,crying uncontrollably and symptoms such as those.

Next,you should tell everyone about the A.Both families and any other pertinent people tied to the A.Your family can help support you as you go through this.Your wayward husband(WH) may very well be mad but exposure is *crucial to helping put an end to the A and it's lingering effects.I told my in-laws about the A right away and they were a Godsend of support during the entire time.

Also,realize that your WH is going to be very confused right now.He won't know which way is up.He is in what's called the FOG.He won't know if he wants to stay,go or jump off a cliff.That is to be *expected.That is also why you cannot make any hasty judgment calls right now.Take care of YOU.

Plan A is something that you will need to do soon but if you were like me one week after I found out,you can't muster the strength to even get out of bed so take your time and read as much here as you can,all the MB concepts.Get a profile.Keep coming back for support and post.We are here for you.

O