<small>[ March 05, 2004, 02:33 PM: Message edited by: KitG ]</small>

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 06:35 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT, how come you think she should wait to give him the Plan B letter? What is your thinking on this?

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

WAT, ahhhhhh, I get ya. I agree that she can't do a Plan B in the same house. But I think she should ask him to leave when she gives him the Plan B letter. He is already saying that he wants to leave and I think he will leave if she asks him. That is what I am counting on. I am not imagining that she can possibly do Plan B while he is there. What do you think?

Yes, I read the e-mail.

It's nothing but victimization, justification and rationalization.

More importantly, what do you think?

I'm not trying to be harsh nid. I realize my last post may have sounded that way. I just can't stand to see people hurt the way I KNOW you are hurting.

If you move out, you are not walking away and giving up, you are refusing to share your H with OW. There are natural consequences to having an affair and one of them is not being able to live with your spouse and family. This will go on and on as long as he has no consequences for his behavior.

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 06:32 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>
Mel - I think nid should ask him to leave first, and implement Plan B if he agrees. Otherwise - if he won't leave - which would not surprise me - she is forced to continue Plan A until SHE decides to leave - after getting legal protection in the form of a binding separation document. Then she could go to Plan B.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, I get your point and agree. I was thinking that she should ask him to leave at the same time she gives him the PBL with the intent that once he is out, contact ends. Of course, she would have to stay in Plan A until he moves. I also think she should expose the affair NOW. This is one brazen OW.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:
<strong> Thank you Songbird. I appreciate your advice and support.

I will delete her email and edit my post.

After last night, I feel like I've hardened up a little. I haven't returned any of my H's calls today. Should I? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">what did she say to you, Nina? Can you send me the email? dana100@cablelynx.com

oh duh! I see exactly your point now, WAT. The PBL loses it's impact if she hands him the letter and then has to be around him for 3 weeks until he moves. Better to get him out, then hand it over and GO DARK. I am slow but I am sure!!

Nid,

In my opinion, you can't do Plan A and not return his calls. Either you are in Plan A or Plan B, in which case you would not have any contact with him. Don't play games. Be the wife he needs so that he gets it through his head that this is not a trick to get him to stay home. He has to see that you mean what you say. Just as he will have to prove, eventually, that he means what he says.

Wow, Melody and WAT. It looks like you were having quite the conversation last night <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I couldn't post because my H was in our office the whole night until we went to bed.

He said again last night that he is leaving. I asked him when. He said he doesn't know yet, that we have some things we need to work out like finances, etc. It is obvious to me that when he moves out, he wants to remain in contact because he wants us to learn how to become friends. LOL! Once he moves out, I will give him the Plan B letter.

He asked me what I thought about that (moving out) and did it upset me. I said, well yes it upsets me and I believed that once he moves out, he will not want to come back. He said, "How do you know I won't miss you and want to come back?" I said I just didn't see that happening because he doesn't really do anything now that would make me think that. He said, "Or maybe I won't miss you and you will find someone else."

You know, I think he's hoping that I run off and find someone else so he can say, "See, you don't want me. I did the right thing."

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 12:48 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 12:49 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

Glad you are gaining courage to do what you need to do. Just know that all those things he says to you are TYPICAL WS talk. I heard identical things. My H never did move out but he sure did sound like he was going to. It's almost as if they are testing us to see if we will run and confirm their belief that the marriage is over or if we really do care. It's all rather irritating. When you did finally talk to him, I hope that you explained no further than you were "busy". Don't play into his little games.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 12:50 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:17 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Exposure? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WAT, I'm still conflicted on this a bit. As you can see, my H does not easily forgive. That may be a big whammy that we could never get past. I have exposed to several of my friends (one with whom we are both friends - he coaches her S). That bothered him tremendously that I told her.

I know I probably should, but I will run the risk of losing him for good. But then I feel like I already have, so what more harm could it do to me?

I'd tell him he's free to go, you won't try to stop him. Then the plan B letter with the conditions of NC in the event that he wants to come back and reconcile. Reconciliation is what you hope for after this addiction to OW runs its course.

Have him reread SAA. I thought you said he read it or parts of it before. Get Dobson's 'Love Must Be Tough" as has been suggested. That was very helpful to me. The Dobson book is not supposed to be shown to your H.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He said again last night that he is leaving. I asked him when. He said he doesn't know yet, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My H went along saying this same thing for a month. I was a basketcase because thoughts of my marriage and family being destroyed filled many of my waking thoughts. I honestly don't know how long he would have went on with the "I don't know yet." I couldn't take it, it hurt too mauch and I needed to stay emotionally stable to take care of my kids. They needed more than a mom who found herself in tears several times a day.

First, at the advise of my IC (later our MC), I told H I had to get away to think about things for a few days before he moved out. Feeling sympathetic he had no problem with this. I went away to the local mountains for 4 days and he took time off work and took over my role. That was an eye opener for him. He called numerous times while I was away, wanting to know how I was doing.

When I came home, I told him that he needed to leave within 2 weeks because it was too painful to look at him every day and not know where the kids and my future was headed. If he couldn't decide, then I had to assume the worst and go about adjusting accordingly with my children. I asked him, a couple of times, how long did he think it would be before he might come to some decision about us. I always got an "I don't know." In response I asked him how long did he think it would be good for me and the kids to live wondering if our H and father was coming back to us. He responded "Not long, I suppose." I let him know that it was nothing short of emotional abuse for me, to live with a spouse who didn't know if he was coming or going and it certainly wasn't good for the kids to be exposed daily to the stress we were dealing with. He could see my rationale and he moved out soon after that.

When WS is as conflicted as your H is, he may keep saying he's leaving and do nothing. Where does that leave you? A place those of us here call "Limboland" It's not a healthy place to live. It sucks your love bank dry, is isolated and desolate.

Prayers for strength and peace for you today nid.