<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:26 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hi Nid,

Say, I'm wondering if you've thought any more about getting on Anti-deps? Honestly hon, YOU NEED THEM. I know you're opposed to using them, but the more I read your posts the more I'm thoroughly convinced you need them.

Admitting you need help by using anti-deps is a sign of strength not weakness, Nid. And regarding opposition of taking any kind of drugs, it's a temporary situational usage time, and all indications point to you needing them.

Maybe consider doing it for your son, hon?

Prayers for you.

Lv,
Jo

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 12:20 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See what happens when you assert yourself? He responds. So, so, so, typical of a waffling fence sitter. When you back off, it has the affect of you helping him keep his balance up there.

Can't you see? Being assertive and taking a stand has the OPPOSITE effect you think it will have!! It doesn't scare him off - it gives him pause that he may indeed lose something. Out comes the Waffle King syrup. Then when you melt, he regains his balance on the fence and it's back to the status quo - limboland.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Nid,
Listen to WAT, this is how I see it too.
WAT usually says things more clearly than I can.
Glad your back from your weekend, WAT.

<small>[ March 08, 2004, 08:08 AM: Message edited by: 4give ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Say, I'm wondering if you've thought any more about getting on Anti-deps? Honestly hon, YOU NEED THEM. I know you're opposed to using them, but the more I read your posts the more I'm thoroughly convinced you need them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know Resilient, I've considered it. But honestly, my faith in God is what helps me to stay strong. If I think I can't function, I will consider it. But quite honestly, I think I can do this without them. I am getting stronger. But keep listening to me and if I sound too whacked out, just keep telling me I need them!

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:38 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:
<strong>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I recommend you take control and go meet with attorney for the explicit reason to create a separation document to protect you and your son. Trusting your husband in this realm is idiocy.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know I should do this WAT. If he doesn't want to do this though, is it a big LB?

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hi Nid, I think WAT gave you exceptional advice. One of the biggest mistakes I have seen people make here is not protecting themselves financially and then they end up in dire straits. I would just go ahead and do this on your own whether he agrees or not. You can't sacrifice the financial well being of you and son in fear of lovebuster. Your H cannot be trusted right now.

Believe me, when you are high and dry in financial distress, you won't be thinking about that potential lovebuster you avoided 6 months earlier. You will be kicking yourself. There are just some things you DO NOT avoid, regardless of whether they are a love buster or not. This is one of them.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:29 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

NID!

They all say the SAME THING!!!!!
My H was going to take care of me no matter what. Loved me, not in love with me. Said I wouldn't hurt financially etc.. Let me tell you something, push him a little on the finances and you WILL see just how "good" he is going to be about it. I promise you, it will be nothing like you would expect when he says he will take care of you.
He's walking all over you. If he wants out, tell him to leave now and stay with a friend until he gets his own place. You shouldn't make him feel that you are accomodating his desire to move out by working with him on what bills should be paid and letting him stay for a couple more weeks.

nid, just today I began reading your post and some of the replies. I haven't been able to read them all, but I feel I must speak to one of the themes running through here. It is on the subject of ADs. I've writtn my story about them before, and I apologize if it was to you.

I am a mental health counselor and like to work with my clients first for a time before recommending they get evaluated for an AD. That is unless I can tell they are in a serious depressed state. Consequently I wasn't quick to rush into ADs for myself. However, 2 weeks after beginning to get some truth from H about his feelings for OW I knew that I was going into a depressive episode. I decided it couldn't hurt me to try an AD because of the wrecked state I was in.

I called my doctor, told her I was in a crisis, and wanted to be put on one. I asked her what she thought, since I had a right to feel what I was feeling because my depression was caused by the circumstances I was in. What she said clinched it for me. She told me if it helps me to cope and eases my anxiety I will be better able to handle my crisis. Now I am sorry I didn't do this one year ago when I was dealing with my dad's illness. My H made the choice to have his A. I'm not letting him off the hook. But maybe I would have coped better then, and been there more for H if I had been on an AD.

WAT is right, most ADs take 4 to 6 weeks. I asked my doctor to put me on the cleanest (least side effects) AD. She put me on Lexapro, which I ws thinking of also. To my shock it started kicking in after about 3 days. Maybe some of this was placebo effect, but it is more fast acting then some of the other ADs. The biggest thing was I wasn't crying all the time. I was so much calmer, it was amazing.

Please, please get on an AD. You can still pray and have faith in God, but it will help you be clearer and calmer about the decisions you need to make.

Concerning side effects of Lexapro. It can cause sleeplessness. I made the mistake of taking it for 2 weeks at night instead of morning. Once I began taking it in the morning that got better, plus my circumstances have improved some, which was causing insomnia. I have no sexual side effects. If you have any questions you want to ask me please do. I have also seen ADs help so much in the therapy I do with my clients. Sometimes we need the help of an AD to bring us to the place of being able to have more clear thinking. Hang in there!

Just wanted all to know that I've read all of this thread and find it supportive even though heart-wrenching. I try to gleam from it what I can. Please keep it up because just when I think that I'm doing good something happens to make me feel otherwise. Prayers to all.

Thanks CV. I will consider your advice. I'm not saying, WAT, that I don't want to "stoop" to using ADs. I have no problem with people using them. Its just something I'm not keen on for myself. I have a lot of support from a few close friends and family and I am able to function with my daily life. Am I sad a lot? Yes, but that's normal. Its not impairing my ability to deal with life. I hope I'm not sounding too closed minded about it.

What's your story Roughroad? I haven't seen your post.

It's under the just found out forum, and called "haven't seen anything in my situation" It was my first time posting so I typed it in a bad format. Not sure how to edit it if I can that way it would be easier to read. I'm sure you'll find similarities.

nid, I was able to deal with and function in my daily life, but it was getting difficult. Especially because of the work I do. Plus I was concerned my depressed state would filter down to my boys. I am in no way saying that the AD got rid of my depression. However, I could talk to my H without falling apart. With the help of the AD, this site, therapy, and some close friends I am much better now. The crying you were describing is why I thought you might benefit from an AD. And yes, you have every right to your feelings. Believe me, you'll still have them. You just might be clearer than you are now. You won't know that until you try it. CV

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

Another big discussion last night. I told my H I love him and I want nothing more than to repair our marriage and be the wife that he has always wanted me to be. But, I said because he is not ready to commit and end his contact with OW, I needed to make sure he is serious when he says he is moving out at the end of this month. I told him it is too difficult to have my nose rubbed in his A, too difficult to be with him knowing that he cannot commit to me our our M. I told him I can't continue to let him "waffle". If at the end of the month he has a change of heart and decides to commit, then that would be my greatest wish. But, if he can't, then he truly needs to have his bags packed and be gone.

When I asked him about his feelings for OW, he said he doesn't know how he feels. That told me that she has a lot more to do with this than he is willing to admit. He also said he doesn't know how he feels about me or even how he feels about himself.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 11:23 AM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

<small>[ March 17, 2004, 03:16 PM: Message edited by: nid ]</small>

nid, I actually was thinking about the OW that was in our lives this morning. Hopefully she is out. But when you've been lied to for so long I realize only time will tell. I wrote in my journal this morning how I hate her. Then I thought maybe that's too strong of a feeling. I'm not walking around obsessing. I'm not feeling extreme bitterness. I'm not jealous of her. So maybe it's more like EXTREME dislike.

I read something in a book yesterday that is obvious, but it hit me just the same. "Without her (OW) full and unconditional cooperation the husbands and boyfriends of the world would have only one place to go, home. Single handedly she can turn a happy home into a house of horror."

I knew the OW for 5 years. We weren't good friends. She worked for my H. But I was always very nice, kind, and supportive of her. After reading the above quote I thought of what she could have said to my H when they were becoming attracted to one another. "You and W have had a terrible year. Full of deaths and stress. You H need to go home to your W and connect to her. You need to turn towards each other." OK, my fantasy! What did she actually say to my H? When the truth about the A started coming out, and I was telling H he had to get rid of OW, he felt guilt ridden. Not towards me, but towards her. Why? Because during their A she asked him, "This won't effect my job, will it?" And my really dumb H of course told her "No!" Excuse me what did they think? Me: "Oh, no problem. I don't mind you two working together. What's a little A? What's a little betrayal?"

I understand your feelings. When people are doing this S&&T they aren't nice people. All she was thinking about was herself. Probably hoping he'd dump me. And H wasn't much better. A very difficult reality to live with.