My wife had an affair for 2 years before I found out. It was discovered in Aug. of last year, one month after she left him. My wife had emailed the ex-lover to break up, and when I found out later, she first told me it was only an emotional affair, so I emailed him and said I was glad that that was all it was. Later she confessed that she had sex with him, but the ex-lover doesn't know I know this. We are going to counseling.

We have a vacation house where my wife's ex-lover lives and he occasionally comes to our city because of friends he visits. We have taken the advice from one of the books, not to ever see this man again. We must pass his house when we go to the vacation house. If we go up to the vacation house, I'm afraid it will trigger something with my wife, or we might even see him in town someday and she's afraid she won't know what to say. The advice the counselor has for us is to write a letter to tell him that we are doing well so that he would not try to make any advances.

The counselor I think is giving wrong advice to write another letter. My wife doesn't know what she will do if she sees him somewhere or what she will say. I told her just to walk away. Any pointers on this one?

Hi Alan,

Welcome to MB.Well,my first thought is if the affair(A) ended back in July and there has been no contact since then or even since August,I personally feel that another letter is not necessary at this point.That's 7 months ago.Keep the no contact going,that is important.Has this man tried to contact your wife since last August? Hope not.

As for the vacation house,is there absolutely no way for you to get to your house without having to pass the other mans'(OM)? If not then you just may have to bite the bullet and if you see him at the(his) house or in town,turn the other way and avoid at all costs.Hopefully you will never have to encounter him again but other than selling your house, you will just have to support each other in that possibility.

Maybe if you have a neighbor that lives in the area and that you could confide in(how much is up to you),you could just ask to be informed if and when this guy is at his place so you will know when NOT to go to your house? Just a thought.

Good luck to you both.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Alan Kirk:
<strong>The counselor I think is giving wrong advice to write another letter.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Alan, you are correct.

There is NO reason to contact him ever again. If you or your wife have a chance encounter, just walk away.

Ask your counselor what good would it do to ask this guy ANYTHING given his demonstrated lack of integrity? Tell your counselor that you received strong advice to the contrary on the MB forum and this advice is considered very rudimentary. A no brainer. If your counselor doesn't know anything about the MB forum, consider shopping for a new one.