I am having difficulty understanding "HOW" a wonderful, compassionate, kind, caring individual can SUDDENLY give up their Spouse, children, friends, career, home and everything else and somehow move on with their life, thus leaving behind a trail of total devastation? I am hoping any FWS's can help answer some questions that I have as well many of the BS's on this site have:

A) If you left your Spouse and children to either live with the OP or marry the OP, was the relationship everything you had hoped for? Did the passion continue, the excitement, the thrill of it all continue, did it meet your expectations plus more? If so, why? If not, why?

B) Was this OP really your "SOULMATE" like you believed with all your heart?????? Why or Why Not?

C) Did you ever regret your decision to leave your spouse/children for the OP? If you divorced your Spouse, did you ever regret this as well? Why or why not?

D) For those FWS who were not able to reconcile their marriages due to the affair, what is your life like today? How has your A impacted your life? how about your spouse, your children? How has your divorce affected your family? Are you considered an "outcast" by your family or have you attempted to somehow heal your relationships with family members?

E) Can you offer any other advice or reassuring words to the BS's on this site?

MBer's, Thanks for any replies!! - After a GREAT Plan A for (9) LONG MONTHS, my WH chose the OW.... his A is now going on 17 months, but EXPOSED for only 5 months. Our divorce will be final in 2 weeks or less (he wanted it SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO BAD because she is his SOULMATE!) He's talking MARRIAGE to the OW right now and the ink isn't dry on our divorce decree yet!

Personally, I have begun to move forward with my life. I am off the rollercoaster ride and it has helped me tremendously! I still however, think its SO VERY SAD that this once wonderful husband/father left our family. The pain is immense. Thanks for listening ~~~

Hi Victoria.
I hope it is okay to copy and paste this message but I just read it by 'God-within-kily' to 'Lost Bird' and thought it might be of help to you.

Kili shared the price she paid for leaving for the OM and how when the 'fog lifted', it was too late.
I wish your husband could read it but it seems the 'fog' blinds their eyes and they cannot see for quite a long time!
Sincerely, Julie

God-within-kily
Member
Member # 21706

posted February 25, 2004 06:52 AM
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Hi Lost bird-

You'll either love me or hate me, but I'm going to be pretty direct about this whole situation. See, I'm here fighting for your marriage. Since I couldn't salvage my own relationship, I promised myself that I would do what I could to help others by my own experience.

You asked me a question:

quote:
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At what point did you decide to return to your spouse and end what you described as a fantasy world?
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Almost 1 year after moving out of my house, I found myself on a trip to Las Vegas. I was sitting on the bed in the hotel Mirage looking into the mirrored door of the closet. When I saw myself, I didn't even know who I was. There was no sign of the person that I used to be and suddenly it clicked...I was with a complete stranger and the family and man that I loved were home...moving on without me.

The ironic thing was that on that exact day, my X was cementing his relationship with his now fiance. I came home in hopes that the door
was still open but the lockshad been changed.

Now, I have shared my epiphany with you. Here now is what I felt based on my own story, when I read your posts...

In regards to your currentstate of paralysis, man you are ME in male form. Overthinking things to death...again I'm the feemale version. Has channge Always been very hard for you?
Agonizing almost?

Well, what I realized was that I didn't want to be responsible for hurting anyone so I stayed stuck. By not making a decision and staying in the status quo, I was "safe" because my world was predictable. I wasn't choosing to leave or stay, He was making all the effort to keep me after I made such a deliberate effort of declaring my independance from the relationship. It was HIS fault because he simply wouldn't let go...


My choice was not to do anything. By making that choice, I could stay in denial and not accept responsibility for what pain I was inflicting. After all, being chased after years of neglect felt good. It was nice to feel wanted by two men at the same time. Quite an ego builder for someone with self esteem so low.

So why stay stuck? Then your wife is forced to do the hard stuff. She is the one that has to ocarry the guilt of ending the marriage. She's the one that had to carry on all of the dommestic stuff while you simply ran to the fantasy of OW. Why make a choice? Doing that means change and change is terrifying.

Commiting to something is the scariest thing too because you don't understand the meaning of sacrafice, compromise, or honesty. I promise you, your wife does.

What will you feel tomorrow when YOU try to go home but you discover that thee locks have been changed and there is a FAMILY living there in the house you used to dwell in? How will you feel knowing that you FINALLY got up the guts to take responsibility for your choices and when you're finally ready to face what you've done...no one will be there to listen to your apology?

What would your life be like without your Wife in it? One time you imagined you wouldn't give a damned if she was there or not...I bet you don't feel that way now.

Get off your fence...the grass truly isn't greener on the other side. In the end, it's just more grass.

--------------------
kily


<small>[ March 03, 2004, 12:39 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Wow. I needed to read that today, right this minute. Thanks for starting the thread, and thanks for posting that "pasted" reply.

Amy

It is so very hard to understand how the person that we loved, adored and cherished could do this to us of all people.

This was on the recovery board a while back and really ehlped me to understand how it is this happened, I do hope it helps you.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=31;t=010537

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Victoria. I am a FWW and was also the daughter of a W day when I was 18. First of all, let me tell you that in my psycho thinking when I was in the A, I never had any intention of leaving my H. I guess I truly wanted what I wanted-guilt free! It's amazing how warped a WS thinking is while the A is going on. You somehow believe that you're entitled and the ability to totally block out what you're doing to yourself as well as your family eludes you. I did want to tell you that my dad did leave my mother for another woman and married her. Approximately 1 year later, this OM actually called my mother asking her if she had heard from my dad. You have to understand how unbelievable this was, my parents had a very bitter divorce and my sister, brother and myself were kind of put in the middle by my mother to choose sides. Naturally we took my mother's side so it was basically like my dad divorced the entire family. Anyway, when this OM called my mother told her that she hadn't heard from my dad. My sister happened to run into him at the mall, was able to have a long talk with him. He went on to tell her what a horrible mistake he had made and that he didn't believe that there was any way to ever make it right. Well to make a long enough post here short, my parents reconciled and recently celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary!!! Now, why I allowed myself to get involved in an A, after knowing how badly I was hurt by it, I will never never understand!! I told my mom after she and my dad reconciled that I had never respected her more than I did at that time. She laid aside her pride and let love guide her. So many people aren't willing to do that!

Victoria. Sorry for the typo in that first line.
I meant to say that I am also the daughter of a former wayward dad, not day..sorry <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

A) No. No. and No. Because my relationship with OP was a fairy tale. We had no responsibilities, no history and a "pretend" future.

b) No. We had very little in common.

c) did I regret it? You bet I did. And I still do.

d) n/a

e) Harley understands affairs very well. Read his stuff and ask questions. The main thing to undertand is the "fog." It is real to a WS.

What most BS's almost universally fail to appreciate is that the WS is very unhappy in the M. Almost every BS says, "I treated him/her like a queen/king. He/she has nothing to complain about."

If you were to think about this response for just a second, you would see how out of touch you and WS have become. Somewhere along the way in running "Marriage, Inc." you and he/she stopped communicating about the things that matter most in life.

The M was not working for him/her. You can't go back to the way it was before you found out, because, from WS's perspective, the M sucked.

Now, WS thinks that OP is simply *wonderful*. OP isn't--more than likely, OP has very serious problems. It will take WS a while to figure this out, so the question is whether you want to hang in there until he/she wakes up, or if you want to move on with your life.

Oh, and go to counseling.

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 12:13 AM: Message edited by: Jimmy Mac ]</small>

I was involved in an inappropriate e-mail friendship at work where I became emotionally very attached and attracted to OM. Although I never considered leaving my H and never even thought about it while I was involved with OM, I did had inappropriate thoughts and fantasies about him. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> The IR happened for other reasons than problems in my M and while I had this inappropriate involvement with OM, I never stopped loving my H. So, in an attempt to answer your questions:

a) If I would have ever left my H for OM, I know it would be the biggest mistake of my life and today I know the relationship would be not what I would hope for &#8211; it would never work. It&#8217;s easy to get a &#8220;perfect&#8221; impression of someone if you mostly have contact through a computer and only see each other now and then, but it&#8217;s a total different story to sleep, eat and live and paying bills together&#8230; Euphoric passion and excitement can&#8217;t last forever, so yes, on the long run things would get &#8220;ordinary&#8221; as well.

b) During the friendship I was really thinking OM is my &#8220;soul mate&#8221; (the &#8220;soul mate&#8221; thing is a big part of the fog <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). Today I certainly know he was not my soul mate at all &#8211; my H is!!! The reason I&#8217;m saying this: I&#8217;ve realized that OM didn&#8217;t have pure intentions with me and in the end I also discovered he wasn&#8217;t really respectful (like he pretended to be for very long). I've realized that OM doesn&#8217;t have the same values than me. Yes, he had some good qualities, but he was not really the honest and sincere person I thought he was&#8230;

c) I never regret resisting the urge to become more closely involved with OM at the time. I don&#8217;t think I would ever be able to live with the guilt and hurt in My H&#8217;s eyes if I would allow it. I never regret breaking all contact with OM and lost his friendship. At the time it was very difficult to stop communicating with him and withdrawal was extremely difficult for me, but I don&#8217;t regret it either. I&#8217;m glad that I stayed with my H and showed him my willingness and commitment by breaking all contact with OM. The one thing I do regret is that I allowed OM to cross boundaries and ruin a good friendship. There was also good and &#8220;pure&#8221; things in our friendship like support, interest and understanding, but the inappropriate things ruined it all. This is the one thing I really, really regret very much&#8230;

d) Not applicable.

e) As another poster have said, the fog is very real for the WS but with the BS continuous love, support & commitment (and TIME and PATIENCE) things will really get better if Dr Harleys&#8217; MB principles is followed (and that includes NC with the OP!)

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 05:02 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

I am the BS here but I just wanted to share something. Here is a part of a letter my WW gave me during the holidays on her 2nd attempt at coming home. She left to go back to OM a few days later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Husband, I don’t love you. I like you. You are a good person. I can laugh and have some fun with you but I don’t love you. My heart isn’t and hasn’t been yours. I have cared. I never believed that I would ever love or be loved the way I thought love was. I know now what it is like to really love someone and to be loved the same way.
I know you, the girls and other people don’t ‘get it’. But, it really isn’t for anyone else to get. I came back out of fear. Fear of the future not being as easy as it has been and fear of damaging and losing the girls. I don’t want to live in fear and I don’t want to live without the love that I have found and haven’t felt in my life since I was a little girl. I remember feeling that happy, accepted and complete but it has been so long ago. For some reason I didn’t think I was good enough to have that or that something was wrong with me so I couldn’t have it. But it did happen for me and I don’t want to lose it. He may not be perfect but I never expected you or anyone else to be perfect. All I know is I love him. When he is sick I want to take care of him. When he says or does something I don’t agree with I want to tell him about it and challenge his thoughts. I want to hear him laugh and see him smile.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Update on WW. She is moving into a new apartment today . She hasn't told OM this yet. She secured the apartment and a new phone number about a week ago. She told our Ds that she will change her cell number. She also told Ds that she wanted to borrow my other car so OM wouldn't be able to find her if he went looking for her by searching for her car. I don't know what WW plans on doing after moving. She hasn't said anything to me. All I know is that she won't be doing it with her soulmate OM. Maybe one day she will come to this site and shed some light on what life as a Wayward is like.......