I am new here, so bare with me, my story is a sad one! I have been married for 14 years now and we have 3 kids. First affair (that I know about) was over 7 years ago. Then another 6 years ago and now another at X-mas! These are not emotional affairs, but sexual. I have tried so hard to work things out over the years, but this last time, I didn't hurt nearly as bad, maybe because I don't care as much anymore. I am in a financial sit. that keeps me here for now, but I am not sure that I want that to change even though the affairs haven't stopped. But at the same time, it has effected me to the point that I cannot stop thinking about it and I definitely hate "sex" with him right now, because I am constantly comparing and thinking about him not deserving it! We are slipping further apart in everything. We used to be very good friends, that is what hurt the most, but to have it keep happening over and over, tells me that either A) I am not fulfilling his needs or B) he is addicted to sex. I am not sure that if I were to be with him 2-3 times a day that it still would not happen. He also is going thru a crisis with his age and looks, so he is constantly looking at younger women and to beat all, they are approaching him as well. I had it happen last week while we were out (it flew all over me!). Women have no respect for the wives at all, they could care less if they are married or not (sad but true!). Where do I go from here? Out the door and try to build a new life, or try to figure out why this keeps happening and if it will ever stop? I am started to feel like an idiot for staying. HELP ME PLEASE!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by betrayedalot:
<strong> We used to be very good friends, that is what hurt the most, but to have it keep happening over and over, tells me that either A) I am not fulfilling his needs or B) he is addicted to sex. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you deny him sex? If the problem is a sex addiction, then he could get it at home, right? So unless you are denying him sex, then that's probably not the issue.

Rather, do you think the issue is that this is simply a way of life with him and he sees nothing wrong with adultery? This might just be a character issue rather than anything that is going on in the marriage. With serial cheaters that is usually the case. And if that is the case, then Marriage Builders principles aren't the answer. The answer is to accept him how he is or move on.

I sometimes deny him sex, out of anger. Emotionally I am just not to the point where I can be comfortable with it anymore. My sister at one time told me that my husband's problem was insecurity. That she felt that he really did love me, but always felt that he had to prove himself in every aspect, even by cheating. She is very "non tolerant" of this type of stuff, but was optimistic that it had nothing to do with loving me, just not loving himself. I sometimes feel that I am cheating myself by staying and not trying to find someone who is satisfied with what he has vs. always trying to find satisfaction and never seems to get there.

Welcome, and I am sorry. After reading your situation I have one suggestion:
Go out today to your local Christian book store and buy the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. Or order it from www.family.org
Please do this, it is just for you.

www.family.org/married/youngcouples/a0019167.cfm

Go to this link, here you can read an excerpt.

I have went to the link that you gave to me and read through it. It is the right thing to do, the problem that I am having is this: I gave up my career to follow his dream and I am now living a new life in a country setting where with 3-children I cannot even go to work at this time outside of my home. I do not have any relatives with the room for us to stay with them even for a little while. In order to leave, I have to get a new job, move to a city where there is daycare etc. (we do not have that here)and hope that I get paid enough to afford daycare and relocation! (right now we are struggling financially as a unit) so help from him will be minimal. I would love to say" You are free to go" , but then where do I go? Very bad situation here. Sry, to take so long to explain, but without knowing all, it is hard to get the advice needed.

Betrayed, are you sure you read what I read? It doesn't suggest YOU leave but rather you free your husband to go. In other words don't beg and plead with him but rather suggest to him and his sexual addiction that perhaps he may have been meant to be a single person. In other words you are turning the tables. As you said this 3rd affair doesn't hurt as much as 1 and 2. I'm sure 4 will hurt even less but the price you will pay in loss of self esteem will be huge. Imagine if you hinted to him that maybe we should have an open Marriage. Just some things to rock his world. You are too predictable. These are only my thoughts and I have certainly been guilty of the clingy behavior. My W is in the middle of her 3rd consective EA. This span is over 5 years so I have been slow to learn but I fully embrace the idea of getting my self respect back. And I can tell you I can honestly see a difference in my W. She recently asked me if counselling with the Harley's doesn't work then what. I reponded without hesitation that I am prepared to seperate. That is the last thing I want but because I meant it when I said it, it really got her attention. So when you start commanding respect you will get it. Tell your husband that you are considering a job from home. Something to show you are changing and growing. Hang in there.

betrayed

Why do you say he is a sex addict? Are you basing this on his high sex drive and multiple affairs?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If the problem is a sex addiction, then he could get it at home, right? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If he is a true sex addict that isn't going to help.

betrayed

He needs to exhibit alot more behavior besides being horny and unfaithful in order to be a sex addict.

Does he compulsively masturbate?
Use porn?
Into fetishes?
Enjoys voyerism or exhibitionism?
Practice other sexually destructive behavior like hire prostitutes, have unprotected sex with affair partners, one night stands, etc?

He needs to show some of the above behaviors along with his high sex drive and unfaithfullness.

maxlo3 and several others are dealing with their spouses sexual addiction you might want to look up posts by her.

I almost feel that it is not a sexual addiction, but a strong need to be needed and important. There has been a few porn type issues over the years, but not alot. Everytime involves alcohol. He is an alcoholic, but won't admit to it. Alot of the infidelity comes from drinking too much, but it can't be used as an excuse anymore.

Walking on eggs, you are right. I did take that approach after I found at at X-mas. I told him at first that he couldn't hurt me anymore and that I have had enough. He could go and do whatever it is that he feels he needs to keep doing. He did not leave, and is still denying the last affair. (I received several phone calls from anomymous people telling me about it) my daughter even overheard a conversation w/his buddy and him about this girl. So, it is true! I have even contacted her while he was in the room and she denies it. We can neither one afford to leave right now. He cannot afford to get another place while still trying to maintain a home for the kids and me. And it will take time for me to get started in a new career and start making enough money to survive. I do constantly say things and I have also told him that the next phone call received will be for him and he may not like what he hears. 2-can play at that game. But he knows, that I probably will not go through with it, it is not in my nature to cheat, although lately it has crossed my mind alot! 2-wrongs do not make a right, I know this. So, leaving is not an option for either. Do I cheat on him and let him feel what it feels like? Or do I try to move forward and forgive him once again?!!! Very confused and feeling like I am at a dead end.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He is an alcoholic, but won't admit to it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Okay that does increase the odds he is a sex addict because he has an addictive personality based on your view he is an alcoholic.

Should you decide you want to work on your marriage then you will first need to deal with his alcoholism. Dr. Harley like so many points out that addictions must be fixed first before the marriage can be fixed. In fact I have seen it posted he will not do any marriage counseling until addictions to alcohol or drugs have been successfully overcome.

Thank you for your advice. I think that tackling the alcoholism will be more difficult than the infidelity! I honestly believe that I rank about 3rd on that list! I will keep you posted.

Yes, I do worry about STD's. I had him the two prior times get tested for AIDS etc. prior to allowing him back home. I use to not be the timid wife, but have become that since we have moved and I have not been working. I have lost my independence to an extent and that is what makes this so difficult for me. I have also went the route of an attorney on the 2nd affair and it did scare him straight! At least for several years. I have to think on this to see where I can go from here. I have to work on me first, then I can work on him. Thank you

You mentioned you use not to be a timid person.
Continued infidelity eventually turns into a form of abuse on its own.

http://www.network54.com/Realm/HealingHeart/batinfid.html