Hi all. I found out 10 days ago about my W's A. Tuesday night she told me that her and the OM were going to talk and "probably" decide to try and not see each other any more. He has a W and 2 kids and I think he is reluctant to leave the kids. Yesterday she came home and said that they couldn't do it. She said they decided that if they didn't want to try, there was no use. How can I make her see that she's never going to WANT to not see him anymore as long as she's still seeing him?

Next issue. I had planned a long weekend away for my W and I and some old friends before I found out about the A. My W said she will still go, and she is even willing to leave her cell phone at home. (I found out they call and text message each other constantly). But, she says that the time apart will just make her feelings for him stronger. If she is not willing to try and stay away from him, am I just making things worse by keeping them apart for a little while? I guess I don't get Plan A yet. She swears that they have been intimate only once and that she will not do it again until she decides what she wants. I don't get it. If she won't stop seeing him, doesn't she realize that they will end up being together again? Am I supposed to just let her sleep with him and still come home at night?

cards, no, you are not supposed to let her sleep with the OM and then come home and crawl into bed, that is destructive.

You should be doing everything in your power right now to end this affair. The first thing is to call the OM's wife TODAY and tell her what is going on. Expose this affair to everyone, including her family and friends. Do it in one fell swoop so she can't prewarn folks and portray you as a nut. This often puts pressure on the affair to end by taking the fantasy edge off. It, rather, becomes embarrassing.

Harely suggests doing everything short of taking out a billboard.

And you are right that she will never withdraw from the OM unless comtact has ended, but going away for the weekend will not acheive that. She will just be pining away for the OM and you will be miserable. I would save your money and stay home and work on your marriage in more effective ways.

In the meantime, run to the bookstore and buy Surviving an Affair and read it. It will help you understand what is happening here and better equip you to deal with it.

Thanks for the reply. The OMW already knows about the A. She confronted him about it, that's the main reason why I think my W told me about it. As for telling everybody else about it, the counselor that we went to said, "tell absolutely no one." She said it wasn't very wise of me to tell my parents and she said that it would definitely be best if we could work this out without telling her parents. Also, she said that if my W's coworkers found out that it would shatter the only place where my W is happy and that would be bad. Of course, this counselor has since told us that she has too many patients to see us any more. She said that she saw us because we were in crisis, but now that she's talked to each of us individually she thinks we should have no problem fixing this marriage. She says that my W just has to make up her mind to try. No kidding?!! I could have told her that. My W has already said that she knows if she just concentrated on trying with me that we could have a great marriage. Unfortunately she also says that she doesn't think its worth the effort. She doesn't think marriage should be this hard.

As for the weekend trip. The money is already committed, I just want to make sure that going away for the weekend won't harm things too much. It would provide an opportunity for my W to have fun with me around. Right now, every time we're together it's painful and then she can escape to the OM and her coworkers and its all fun times. Doesn't make me a very desirable choice. "Surviving an Affair" is on its way, so hopefully reading that will help me understand some of this.

card1

The first order of Business is to get Surviving an Affair, as MelodyLane stated. Read it and take the information to heart. If you have the desire to take action to save your marriage, SAA is the roadmap to follow.

Exposing the (A)ffair might seem like something that will Piss Off the WW, but it is the most effective way to bring it to an end. All of that is covered in the book. Your choice and timing of the exposure will be tempered somewhat by what I'm suggesting next.

I might give a different perspective on your long weekend with friends. Harley recommends spending lots of time together. Part of the Plan A philosophy is to make improvements in yourself, and make YOU the very best spouse for the marriage as possible. Other parts of the philosophy are to avoid Love Buster's (remarks that are intended to harm the other) and Disrespectful Judgements ("you obviously didn't care much about me when your started this affair with this ho").

Making DJ's and LB's give your WW a better reason to want to spend time with the OP, than with you. Very counterproductive!!!

You didn't say when this weekend was to take place. If you can get the book, get it read, and understand the philosophy, it might not hurt to be in the presence of "old friends" for the weekend. It will give you a chance to be open, understanding, loving, caring and NON-THREATENING , which can give your WW (wayward wife) a safe and protected environment to open up to you.

If these friends are close, long term friends (pre-affair), it might give your WW reason to think of some of what she might be giving up, if you two should split.

But if you think you will not be able to avoid being confrontational, and want to keep continuous pressure on the WW to explain her actions and will expect immediate guilt and remorse from her, then I suggest you follow MelodyLane's advice and forget the weekend.

You need to be informed and educated as to the MB (Marriage Builder's) philosophy before you do much of anything. You can only believe about 5% of what your WW tells you and only about 50% of what you see. You will need to understand that many things that you think you SHOULD do, will only be counter productive to the long term effort of surviving this horrible experience.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you are here, but there's no better place to be for you right now. Many people have been through what you are going through, and you will get sage advice here. People here care and understand what you are going through.

One last suggestion, either get ahold of MB and set up counseling/coaching for yourself, then plan on counseling/coaching for you two as a couple when the time is right.

If the weekend outing is this or next weekend, I would not necessarily do the exposure until after you have done the weekend and made major deposits in her love bank. Food for thought...

Best wishes
SD