Hi All-

When last Kily posted she had followed JustJ's advice and sent an email to X asking him to say the things that he needed to tell me in an email format so that I could digest his words and not react to them in an emotional way...

X never responded.

Well, we found ourselves in front of the court appointed investigator. He painted the picture that he "Tried to establish a one-on-one with her in order to discuss and perhaps settle this issue." There was no mention of my email and the fact that I expressed the desire NOT to meet him face to face for fear of an emotional confrontation.

I didn't even bother to challenge this because I felt like it was such a moot point anyway. The fact is, he is manipulating things again...

So now, in this room, he decides that he is willing to now let DS stay with me but he wants to change the visitation schedule yet again...My thoughts on it are that DS should be evalutaed by his psychologist and THEN she will advise on the BEST plan for DS. I feel that as the profesioinal,she is not emotionally vested in this and she will truly be the best suited to address the issues.
The investigator agreed with my views and felt that a court investigation might not be necessary in lieu of the counselor's voice. She also stated that any decision that SHE would have to make would weigh heavily upon what DS's IC would say anyway. The investigator then asked X if he also wouold comply with the suggestions made by Ds's counselor. He said that at this time he wanted morer e contactc with the counselor before he answered yes or no. Fair enough.

So, as it stands, the investigation has started.

In her office X stated that he felt that everyone he has talked to so far was looking at him as if he was the bad guy. I was suprised that the investigator turned to him and said "No one said anything to you to imply that at all. Those are YOUR issues that you are projecting on to this and it's something that you need to take a look at and figure out!" WOW...I was shocked.

Then an interesting commentary began:

"Kily blames me for the end of our relationship. It's because of this that she has assumed total control over DS's life and the time that I have with him m keeps getting squeezed off."

Wow...another big statement there...What can I say? I only have DS for the required time that the agreement dictates. There's no way that I can take anymore time from him unless he DECIDES to waive it for an outing, work function, whatever...
JL, I see the dynamics clearly, he is still a victim of my choices. He views thisas as my stealing his DS and his life from him.

I do understand it. He is starting to REALLY see the effects that our breakup is having on his life. I think in some deep part of him, he believed that he would get custody of DS, marry his GF, and have KILY slowly disappear out of all of their lives. Kily really threw a awrench in that though because she learned about herself. Instead of giving it all away yand running like she used to, she worked HARD on herself and began to stand her ground. Now, X has to accept that he will only have DS when it is scheduled through the court. No more comng and going as he pleases and having KILY waiting there to serve at his beck and call.

Then as the conversation ncontinues, X breaks into tears. He looks at me and asks me "Why won't you talk to me? Am I THAT big of an [censored]?" The investigator looks from him to me and back again. She's waiting for something. I'm sitting there in my chair thinking...okay, I can answer him and we can start to argue or I can nsit here with my mouth closed and wait for the hearing to continue. I think the hardest moment of my life was watching him in pain and realizing that no matter what I did in that moment, it was a setup for failure. I didn't say anything.

What I felt in my heart was:
Anytime I talk with you I am constantly punished for the things that I have tried to make amends for. I do NOT talk to you because contact with you leads to turmoil and pain for both of us. I avoid you because for me to have any contact with you adds confusion and frustratioin into your personal life with your fiance. I avoid you because I want peace.

I still feel bad about not acknowledging him. I have repeatedly stated to him that I am not communicating to him to protect my mental health. Why is he pushing this. Is there a better way?

Anyway, I don't BLAME him for our breakup. I've arrived at a place where I realize what is mine and what is his. I own my stuff. It's up to him to own his.

He is NOW seeing an IC...Yeah!

I feel sad that he is in pain. I wish that I could heal him but he needs to do that for himself. It hurts to be in a room with someone you used to love and to feel like he is a complete stranger that you barely know.

anyway, the end result is that we have to start co-parenting counseling somewhere else and that the investigation is now under way.

all for now-

I don't know what to say, but I wanted to bump this up for others to read in case they missed it the first time around.

Karen

p.s. "It hurts to be in a room with someone you used to love and to feel like he is a complete stranger that you barely know." ....I am feeling that regarding my stbxH too. The trials are coming up, and I've been trying to prepare myself mentally for dealing with some of those feelings. Any suggestions?

Hi Karen-

The only thing I can think of sharing with you is that NC really helps with the detachment but once you SEE him again, the pain and doubts and fears come right back. Don't let those emotional issues that you think are behind you take over.

Every time I spend more than a few minutes with him, the sadness and depression sinks in.
I range from feeling detached at the first meeting to greiving all over again with additional contact in that same week period. It sucks because you "think" you've processed and have healed but every time there's contact, the doubts start to cloud your confidence. Stay focused on your goals and don't dwell in loss.

Try to go into this with confidence and with the firm belief that what you're doing is the best for those beautiful kids of yours. It isn't easy and the experience will rock you to your core. What you may learn in the end though is that you have more guts than you ever imagined. I suppose you already know this though.

Kily,

What can I say? Only that I am listening very hard and I have so much respect for where you now are.

I'm glad the psychologist is being listened to for your DS's sake. Very important.

Know that folks here care about you and how you are feeling.

Hugs.

Hi Kily <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Parts of life are hard to cope with. You know that, but living it - living it is hard even though we know with our mind how things are.

I have no great words of wisdom - but I do wish to encourage you. One of the things that makes it so hard is that we don't know how long it will last, and we often feel we are way past the point of what we can safely cope with.

Remember that He knows what he is doing - and if he is letting you struggle, it is a necessarry thing and is what is best for you.

Trust that he knows what he is doing. Live each day as best you can, pray for ability to do better tomorrow.

It looks to me like you are still coming along. Doubts and fears are a normal part of life for all of us - remember that you are not alone.

When I think about you, and when I pray for you, I get a calm feeling. To me that means he has things under control and he isn't worried about the end result. It also means that things take their natural course and work themselves out in time.

Just wanted you to know I was reading - and praying for you right along.

SS