Kati,

First off, have you read the articles on this site? Have you at least read "Surviving an Affair", by Harley? These are some very important starting points on learning about affairs. Another great site, I think, is Dear Peggy. She talks about the other person and it helps to see her explanation on them. Anyway, I posted the following earlier this morning on a different thread. I don't know if it'll help any, but here it is...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am the BS here but I just wanted to share something. Here is a part of a letter my WW gave me during the holidays on her 2nd attempt at coming home. She left to go back to OM a few days later.


quote:
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Husband, I don’t love you. I like you. You are a good person. I can laugh and have some fun with you but I don’t love you. My heart isn’t and hasn’t been yours. I have cared. I never believed that I would ever love or be loved the way I thought love was. I know now what it is like to really love someone and to be loved the same way.
I know you, the girls and other people don’t ‘get it’. But, it really isn’t for anyone else to get. I came back out of fear. Fear of the future not being as easy as it has been and fear of damaging and losing the girls. I don’t want to live in fear and I don’t want to live without the love that I have found and haven’t felt in my life since I was a little girl. I remember feeling that happy, accepted and complete but it has been so long ago. For some reason I didn’t think I was good enough to have that or that something was wrong with me so I couldn’t have it. But it did happen for me and I don’t want to lose it. He may not be perfect but I never expected you or anyone else to be perfect. All I know is I love him. When he is sick I want to take care of him. When he says or does something I don’t agree with I want to tell him about it and challenge his thoughts. I want to hear him laugh and see him smile.
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Update on WW. She is moving into a new apartment today . She hasn't told OM this yet. She secured the apartment and a new phone number about a week ago. She told our Ds that she will change her cell number. She also told Ds that she wanted to borrow my other car so OM wouldn't be able to find her if he went looking for her by searching for her car. I don't know what WW plans on doing after moving. She hasn't said anything to me. All I know is that she won't be doing it with her soulmate OM. Maybe one day she will come to this site and shed some light on what life as a Wayward is like.......</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Hopeless in NY,

I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. I wish it hadn't happened to you.

Can you do me a favor, though? Would you consider changing your name? You aren't hopeless or helpless or without anything. You sound completely well-balanced to me. Maybe "MrsRightinNY" or something more optimistic?

I'm praying for you.

Hi Justin,

The friendship with my best friend broke off because of this and probably many other things. Maybe also because I sympathized with the wife of her OM.

You wrote that we should do fun things in our marriage. We actually do things together - we work out together, I frequently book trips or vacations for us and when we are out, then we always have a great time together. We went on a vacation to California in November and it was the best - everything was so good. But one also has to live with the everyday things in life - bills, chores etc. Unfortunately, life is not always a beach! I think that many times my husband resents that I am so grounded. I read a posting from a member on MB the other where she wrote that her husband's OW was very needy and made him feel like her knight in shining armor. My husband likes to feel like that. BTW, OW is not the only one that he takes 'care' of. She just has a more emotional and romantic attachment to him. He talks to many other women as well, including his female supervisor who is in her mid or late 50's. He drives her all over the place, takes care of her when she's sick, frees her car of snow etc. In addition he gives relationship and life advice to many other women who call him whether they are co-workers or former high school friends. Many of them I do not feel insecure about because he tells me about them and some I even know personally. I can usually trust my gut feeling. One thing that bothers me though is that he tells some of them (mainly OW and his current supervisor) about our personal problems.

You asked if the OW could do for him what I do? I don't know if she could. I do not know her personally; I've never seen her. I have no idea if she is beautiful and what her personality is like. But maybe she cannot do for him what I do, otherwise he may have already left me for her. I'm very attractive and sexy (at least his buddies say so... and he does, too), I am an excellent cook, I have a good job and I think I'm pretty strong. Even with all this going on in my life, I can still go to work every day and do a good job etc. BUT, I'm not perfect. I have LBted some really awful things and sometimes this eats at me. I have apologized, but I know that words can do a lot of harm. One time, in all of my hurt, I told him that we do not make love, that it is just 'f.... sex' between us. This is not true. I feel so awful that I said this. I know that this probably just brings him closer to OW.

He will be leaving in two weeks on a six week deployment and maybe it will be good for us to get some distance and breathing room to think about our lives.

Kati

Kati, the first 2 weeks after my H started telling me the truth I was a wreck. I had to make myself eat. Being in the counseling profession I knew i was having a major depressive episode. I had never been on an AD before. Called my doctor and just told her I was in the middle of a major crisis, and knew I was very depressed. I asked her to write me a prescription for the cleanest (least side effects) AD out there. She put me on Lexapro without me even having to see her. Within 3 days I felt better. It was the best thing I did for myself. It has helped me cope with a horrific situation, and eased some of the anxiety. Don't wait another second to call your doctor. Take Care! CV