Hello all! I have been reborn today. I am consulting with an attorney soon. I am finding my possible range of incomes from WH.

I will match that up with what I need, and make my next move financially. If it benefits me and my children financially - in my state - for me to file for D first, I will.

I have Biblical grounds for D. I have prayed about this for a long time. I am finally feeling clarity.

I'm not saying I am filing. I am saying I am educating myself about the law, the possibilities, so that my kids and I are not left out flapping in the wind. Because WH's mind is not in a healthy place. He is not making wise decisions.

And he can either get on board with me, or he can wallow in his own pity. I am all done with him taking his time, sitting up on his fence, paralyzed into no action.

No more. I will rock his boat until he either commits to recovery, or jumps ship and swims away. I will not make any more decisions based out of fear.

When I feel fear lurking around me, I am going to go find a spider and squash it's guts out.

So, does anyone have anything to say to all of this? Hmmmm? Watch out! I have a shoe and a paper towel, and I am dangerous with righteous anger. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SS

Good for you. Sounds like you've reached the "indifference" stage, and it is giving you strength and peace.
Oh, about the spiders? Don't kill the Daddy Longlegs. (Do you know which ones they are?) They are harmless and cute. You can pick them up and let them walk on you. Their jaws are too small to bite a human being.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Now, go get your information.

double post

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 05:16 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

I'm glad I am not a spider!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You are finally there,the place I hoped you would get to.You've had the "lightbulb" moment.I am proud of you.My work is done.LOL

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

P.S. Please don't take the innocent lives of spiders.They are God's creatures too and deserve our respect,don't you think? Poor little spiders <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 01:50 PM: Message edited by: Octobergirl ]</small>

I will not personally seek the spiders out to destroy them. However, they are not allowed to hang out on my headboard, or the wall next to my head while I am typing, or my bathtub.

So, they need to stay out of sight, out of mind.

Hey! Like my WH! Or he might get smacked with a shoe with a paper towel on the bottom to soak up his juices. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am fiesty today.

ARK? ARK? Where are you ARK???

SS

OK, I have an attorney appointment tomorrow afternoon at 2 pm.

What kinds of questions should I ask? I want to have a list, because it is $225 an hour! Holy crap!

Here are the questions I have so far. Tell me if they are relevant.

1. Would my children and I benefit financially if I file first?

2. Approximately how much money would I get each month, estimate high and low amounts.

Anything else?

Thank you! SS

Jazzey's list was easier to read than mine was, we must've been posting at the same time.

What kinds of questions should I ask? I want to have a list, because it is $225 an hour! Holy crap!

I suggest:
1. How many cases like mine have you handled this year?
2. Do you specialize in family law? [you want someone who does exclusively family law, NOT a general practitioner]
3. Do you carry malpractice insurance? [any lawyer who does not carry malpractice - i.e. rides bareback - probably doesn't have enough assets to worry about if he gets sued. It's simply the responsible thing, like having car insurance.]
4. How do you plan to keep fees and costs down?[i.e. does he/she use a paralegal who he/she bills time for at a lower hourly rate; is there a secretary who does work at a lower hourly rate than your lead attorney; is the attorney going to give you homework that you can do to bring him figures, facts, information, to make the attorney's job easier.
5. Will the atty advise you as to tax consequences about your divorce?
6. Does the atty have ethical, experienced specialists that he/she has a relationship with, that he can use for areas in which he/she isn't knowledgeable (investigators, forensic accountants, so forth)
7. How long does it take the atty to return a phone call from you?
8. Can you have a clause in the visitation agreement that neither party will have an OP sleeping over when they have the children under their roof?
9. What about spouse's pension? (If he has one.)
10. What about spouse's assets? Can you freeze them to protect them for your kids?
11. Can you get support to get ready to go back into the job market to support yourself? (school, grad school, training)

Now, one more thing. Look around the attys office. If he/she can't lay their hands on something because the place is a disorganized mess, be careful. Your important stuff might sink into a black hole and never reappear.

You'll be fine. Remember, while you're interviewing attorneys, you're deciding whether to give them a job. A very important job. Take notes during the interview, and go over them immediately you leave the office, while you're still sitting in the parking lot. Then go home, type them into the computer, and after you've interviewed 2-3 of them, if you like one, there you go.

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</small>

2-3 of them??? At that type of rate??? Yee gads!

That is why I got a reference from a knowledgable person who worked in the field.

I am going to print off these lists and combine to make my own list.

Thank you all. This is a meeting to get a general idea of what I can expect financially, both receiving money from WH, and the cost of divorce.

If I file, this attorney has a $2000 retainer fee, due up front. Yikes.

SS

Hi there Slayer
Great name.

I am afraid I am totally in the dark when it comes to your legal system so I have very little to offer there. Oh boy it sounds like a real money drain and right when you need all the money you can get.

I would however like to say I like your current state of mind. I like that you are doing it for you and the boys. If your WH ever wants back in with you it is up to him now I think. It sounds like he will have to work hard to convince you why you would consider reconciliation.

You sound positive and strong in your posts. Good for you.

And to thise who gave me the ant killing tips. Thankyou. I have been using ant rid. I think they are immune. It is supposed to work by them taking it back to nest, but I think it might actually be some sort of fertility agent. I'll try the detergent idea. I am not familiar with Terra, but will check next time at shops. I live in Australia and products often have different names.

Love C&S

C&S -

I was hoping you would find me. I saw you posting around. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I am strong. I know what I want. He is going to have to prove to me why I would want him back. He is going to have to do some hard work.

I am so glad I am finally at this place. Depending on my attorney appointment and his IC that I am going to with him on Tuesday, will determine our future.

He could be told of D intent, or handed a Plan B letter. His IC doesn't want us to go to NC.

I told him I have to at this point. I can take no more. None. Nil.

I am interested to see if we will get anywhere.

I don't know about ants, but I know of this great spider killer lady . . . for only travel expenses from, say, Idaho, to Oz, I think I, er, I mean, this talented lady could help you out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hugs. SS

I think your current plan is a good one. Plan B is for you. It is not up to his IC to decide when you have reached you limit. You said that you can no longer cope with his treatment of you. You need to protect youself from it.

Your H brought the legal and financial issue to a head with his threats to take you to the cleaners and put you out of home. You need to prepare for legal action / financial protection because of this.


Ark is right about the hunting. Forget asking H not to take boys to unsafe humting areas. You act now in ensuring that these hunting areas are in future avoided. If H doesn't like it he will have to venture into unsafe hunting areas alone. And if he doesn't like that he will have to seek out safer areas. You have made your "unilateral decision" (at least someone had some sense) stick to it.

When I win the lottery or come into an inheritance I will try the sevices of this legendary slayer even though her specialty is currently with spiders. I think it would be good for her to diversify into slaying Australian ants.

C&S

spiderslayer -

You sound much better. I'm just like you, although I have been in Plan B which helps. My H continues to think he can just move right back in. Also still blaming everyone else.

However I am in charge now. I will decide my life. He is just too funny, I laugh with him now. Then I go on with my own life. You will get there too.

Well lookee here, you are doing very well SS!
Get to OZ if you can someday. I spent 3wks there, good story, tell you about it sometime. My 15min's of fame...

My biggest question would be is what are my rights to having no to minimal exposure to any other people

either by me or the WS..

no overnights with OP with the kids present etc...
I know some states reconize the damage that new/many/ partners have on children....
the risks it places them....

ark

Yeah. I guess here in Idaho, the court asks that no new relationships are introduced to the children for 1 year. I don't know if they enforce that.

I am feeling very angry with his selfish behavior today. I woke up at 4, and finally got up. His behavior is too horrible for me to contemplate.

How do you give up the opportunity to kiss your kids every night at bedtime? To read them stories? To be their hero?

All for a pipe dream that isn't even there anymore! Yet his justification and his re-write of history continue. They seem to grow each week.

He has to hit rock bottom soon. How can one have these intense emotions for so long and not be exhausted? Maybe when the emotions run out is when he will realize?

I am losing patience. Well, I actually was born with few patience, like most people. And while I have cultivated a small field of patience, it is running in very short supply.

I really feel like filing for D to see if that will "wake him up." But I also know that is a dangerous game to play. But emotionally, right now, I feel like I could make that decision and be committed to it.

Maybe he needs to start over. Maybe he doesn't see any other way to move forward. Maybe he has overwhelmed himself, and does not know where to start.

I am dreading sitting in a room with him again on Tuesday. I feel like if he turns to me with that foggy look again and starts brow-beating me, or blaming me, or hurling his anger at me, that I am going to pull out a can of woop-a** on him and take him down!

Maybe he just needs a good beating.

Anyway, thanks for the advice, and thanks for letting me vent. I feel marginally better. I'm going to make my coffee and get ready for my boys to get up.

My kids are scrambling in their lives because of what their father has done. I am so incredibly sad for them. And for the fact that this is one of the times in their lives that I cannot make it all better for them. No matter how hard I try. This is a hurt I cannot take away. That is what makes me cry.

SS

Spider

I agree about the kid thing. That is what makes me the saddest also. I see my son acting out in anger and frustration when his father leaves every week. He tells his dad he is mean because he wants him to stay and he won't. Last time he came he said why do you always have to leave me. That is what makes me sad. My WH used to come home every night after work on second shift and look in on our son and make sure he was covered up and stuff.

What happened to that man? How could he go from caring so much, to not even a phone call? Really does make you wonder if they are sane people or not. Every morning he would get him up and dress him, that was there little time together. Now he gets up and does nothing for anyone but himself. Boy must be nice huh? I can't imagine my life without my kids and family. But, whatever floats your boat as they say....

I know!

WH used to tuck the boys into bed each night and read with them.

Now, nothing. Bizaar. Perhaps he just needs more time.

We have the greatest sunrise coming up over here. The mountains are a deep azure, and then bright pink right above them, with a ribbon of white horizontally, and then another ribbon of pink, then azure, then pink, then fades into the light blue of the early morning sky.

It almost looks like a delicious, beautiful, HUGE, candycane for God.

Amazing.

HUGS! SS

Hey guys, read lostnhurt's post in Plan A and Plan B. It is very depressing. I wish one of you would start a new post in general questions about the effect of all this on kids. There are a whole bunch of you dealing with this, and it would be nice to have a thread dealing with it, instead of all over the board.