Had a big confrontation with my husband in August. He was having dinner at his girlfriend's house with her mother and daughter. Since she only lives 3 blocks from my house, I called there and she answered. I said can I speak with MY husband. I could hear her laughing in the background. He came to the phone and said he was eating dinner and would stop by our house in 30 minutes. I said no...if you don't walk out of the house now, I'm coming in. This probably scared the mess out of him. But I had to confront him about his blantant behavior. He is no longer hiding this relationship as they have taken trips and outings with her daughter. She is always at his apartment or he is at her home.<P>He followed me home and needless to say he was upset (I spoiled his quiet time with the OW). But I had to have an answer on our relationship. He moved out Oct '98 and has made no effort towards our marriage. I am still in counseling, but he stopped when he left. I told him I have to move on with my life and I can't do that while being married to him and he has the OW. He would have to make a decision -- work on us or divorce.<P>I mentioned that when I had surgery in April I did not hear from him and that hurt a lot. I had an appointment with my doctor the next day and said I may need more surgery. Needless to say, my doctor placed me in the hospital directly from his office. I was having pains in chest and it was getting worse. I spent almost a week in the hospital and I did not hear a word from him. His parents visited 3 times and called and my children called several times a day. After numerous tests, x-rays, and a heart catherization, endoscopic procedures, the verdict I am still losing too much blood and they believe the source to be fibroid tumors.<P>I was so hurt that he didn't even call to see how I am doing. He continues to hold on to the bad things that happen between us to justify his relationship with the OW. He told me that she makes him happy because there's no yelling and screaming. I believe they are truly in a fantasy world at the moment. He had mentioned to his mother that he was bothered that the OW was starting to pressure him for a divorce and she was questioning where he was ... she would follow his to see if he was going where he said. She is definitely after his money as he has a good job (makes 3x as much as I do). But he still continues to see her.<P>I forgave him a long time ago so I could move on, but unless he makes a decision, I am still "dangling on his string". I do not want a divorce because I do love him, but how can I continue to hope for reconciliation when it is so obvious he doesn't care about me or our children. He told me he would make a decision in a week ... but it has now been over four weeks.<P>I need some encouragement from the group as I may be reading this all wrong. <P>[This message has been edited by Hopeful Heart (edited September 15, 1999).]<p>[This message has been edited by Hopeful Heart (edited September 15, 1999).]

Wow! This sounds almost exactly like my story. I'll share with you what people have said to me, and I think it's true.<P>He is lost in the romantic phase of the relationship (aka the fantasy). Up until this point, counseling, working on the relationship, addressing problems, etc. have not been important to him. He probably thinks it is not in his best interest to do these things. He enjoys time with the OW and can't give anything to you or your marriage. Selfish to the max. He literally CAN'T give. If he opens himself up a little to you, he might have to acknowledge his own mistakes, which is painful. He therefore stays away from that.<P>It is good that she's pressuring him now, it increases the odds of it blowing up. It's also good that he hasn't filed for divorce - it indicates that he's not really committed to her. If you really want to wait this out, there is only one thing to do. Do not lovebust at all and wait for the affair to die of its own merit. I would also advise you NOT to pressure him about decisions or even talk about your relationship with him UNLESS you really want a divorce. Ultimatums will not work. He's not ready to be with you and it's clear based on his actions. But it looks like the ingredients are in place to cause his relationship to unwind. Then, in theory, you will have a chance to work with him.<P>Good luck.<P>

Distressed --<BR>You are so right he has been selfish throughout our marriage. Although our children are now grown (21,23,24,27), they look back and see how their dad neglected our family. He would purchase golf clubs, boats, motorcycles, new trucks, and even a motor home ... while we needed repairs on the house and furniture. He always had time to go hunting, fishing, snowmobiling, playing basetball with his buddies.<P>I admit that I have not been the perfect wife, but working full-time, going to college, and trying to raise the kids left little time to be the wife he wanted ... no complaints, no hassles ... just have my dinner ready and leave me alone.<P>I realize that if he wanted a divorce he would have done it 11 months ago. So I do have some hope for us. But if he would only say, I am working on myself right now...I need more time, that would be better than saying, "I'll get back to you on this". He is totally confused at the moment since we have been together since I was 14 and he was 18. He has to work this through for himself. I can force the issues, but it gets so frustrating when I can't go forward. I do get lonely a lot since I am in our home alone. But I am not comfortable in starting a new relationship when this one has not come to a conclusion. <P>I get my strength from my kids now as they see how far I have come since this chapter in our lives began. I know I am able to enjoy the person I have become, but to share it with him would be great. I pray daily that he gets the peace he needs and the veil that is blinding him will be lifted. He has no clue on how his actions are affecting our entire family.<P>Thanks for your words as you have "been there and done that". I will NOT push for the divorce again. This will have to come from him. I continue to pray for strength to endure to the end, but sometimes it gets so hard.<P>Let me know how your situation turns out ... sounds like we are two patient individuals.<P>HH<p>[This message has been edited by Hopeful Heart (edited September 15, 1999).]

I would not make any more ultimatims of H unless you are prepared for the worse. If you are strong enough, wait it out a while longer. It sounds as if he is very confused. He sounds a great deal like my H. I pushed for the separation, because of constant stress. However, if he wants a divorce, I will leave it up to him to make that decision.

Janie,<P>Thank you for your words of wisdom. I realized now that I have been pushing for an answer not because I want a divorce, but because of what my friends have been telling me. They insist that his actions are proving to me that he no longer wants me in his life. I agree to a certain extent but the fact remains I still love him very much. I know we have both hurt each other terribly in the 28 years of marriage. But unless we forgive and move on, we can't have a future with or without each other. I sincerely want him to have the peace he has been looking for all of his life. His parents were very strict (religion) during his upbringing and he has a strong dislike for any one in authority. He has had trouble with work (foremen), church (ministers), family (in-laws, etc.). <P>I am planning to back off completely about the divorce issue. He has a hard time making decisions and it is even harder for him to admit he has made and mistake (based on things that have happen during our marriage). I am standing firm for a reconciliation regardless of what friends and family are predicting. I know he still cares for me, but in order to show that it would mean a "defeat" in his eyes. He wants to prove he can stand alone. <P>It is so sad ... just the words from him saying, "Please forgive me, I want to start again with you," would mean more than you will ever know. I would be willing to give my heart to him again as I did 32 years ago. But this will be a step he will have to make on his own. If it is forced, it will not to stand on its own.<P>I know God is in control of this situation and I must relay on God to bring it to a resolution. I have tried and each time I had made it worse. Once I let it go, God will have the room to work on H. God was kind enough to give me a vision of us being together on our 30th and 50th anniversaries. I wanted to be sure that this revelation was truly from God and needed a confirmation. A few weeks later our pastor spoke on "Signs from God", as it is not out of order for us to ask for a sign. So this was my confirmation that God is still in the plan.<P>Again, I'm standing fast that whatever God has in store for me in the future will include my husband. I am leaning totally on the Lord to get through each day.<P>God Bless!