This is day three in Plan B...and I am hurting. I just found out (from a friend that works with WH) that he showed up at work today without his wedding ring on.

You can read "the rest of the story" on my abissmal situation in the PlanA/Plan B topic, entitled "WH moved out...need Plan B tips."

I don't know why this hurts. I mean, should this hurt more than the A, more than his saying the most horrifying things about not ever loving me, etc, Should this hurt more than his moving out? Or is it just one more jab, in an already tender place?

How many jabs can one marriage take before it is just insurmountable?

We had to talk yesterday (about the kids) and he sounded so happy. Of course, I worked my hardest to sound happy too. And my friend said he was happy and cutting up and his regular self at work...no misery...just happy.

Help me MBers! I am hurting! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Dear Christy, I know how much it hurts. Just a big HUG from me. You are very brave. I read your other posting. They are great. Believer said that the hurt will get easier as time goes on. We will all be here with you. Hang on there. I will pray for you now.

Hi Christy,

I agree.Hang in there.You have only been in Plan B for 3 days.You are just starting out.I know it's hard but for me,I felt better probably a week or two into the plan.That's when I started to focus on me and my kids more and not worry what my WH was doing.It did get better.

Try and surround yourself with as much support as you can like family and friends to help you through these hard times.Also,I would suggest that you tell your friend that you don't need any reports on what your WH is doing,saying or feeling.That can hurt and you don't really need to know that now.

O

Thanks for the advice on "news" about WH from friends. I know they are just trying to help...but it is just not helping ME have the Plan B isolation from all the pain.

There is one little tidbit I forgot to mention to everyone (from my previous posts, etc). My in-laws, both of them. live with us. So when WH decided to go to India and have an A, he betrayed the whole family. At first, in-laws were very angry with WH, but after time, they have switched sides (which I always knew would happen...after all he is their son). So when WH decided to move out, that left me with 2 kids and HIS parents. So needless to say. I had a discussion with them that they need to consider looking for a place, allowing us all to heal and move on in our lives (they were living with us for financial reasons, and were supposed to be here for a few months to get back on their feet, and that started in OCTOBER 2002, so at this point, I think getting on your feet time has already expired).

Anyway, MIL, who cares for my D while I am at work earning the lionshare of our income, told me today she found a job (to help pay for their moving out, own place, etc) and would be starting NEXT week. This is obviously good and bad new. Good that they will have a place of their own and get some much needed self respect back. Bad in a sense that I have days to find a place for my 4-year old. So I had to call WH today to tell him. I felt this anger surging up in me...because the whole conversation he had this cold, smart aleck, I'm-a-bachelor-now-so-will-only-half-heartedly-pretend-to-care-for-OUR-children, make me want to smack his face off attitude. And I made the fatal error of asking, "Do you miss us?" And he said, "Well, it has been interesting." As soon as it came out of my mouth I wanted to take it back!!!!!!

I went to church tonight with my son, and during the service they called for people who are asking God to help them get to the next level of a transition in their life. My son asked me if we should go up and pray (for a 9-year old, he is so spiritually mature I can hardly stand it). We went up to pray and I just cried and cried and cried. And when you pray for a transition in your life, you have to accept that will mean God is going to change you, and almost always, that means you are going to feel some pain. But being a "let's face the pain quick and hard and bravely, find the fix, and get the hell on with it" kinda person, this slow moving fog induced stupidity that my WH is under is so hard for me to handle. In most aspects of my life, I don't like to waste time on slowly inching through problems....it is like, "suck it up, change, and let's get back on the road." AND THE SLOWNESS OF THIS IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I used to think my WH was the smartest, most noble man in the world. I really wanted to be like him when I "grew up." And I am slowly seeing what an weak man he really was. Not only weak in a fleshly sense (although that would apply). But too weak to face issues in our marriage instead of running away to find a "dream solution." And too weak to just make some decisions for himself that would make him happier (like he never finished college, messed around with his career for years, so he is so behind the 8 ball at this stage of his life, never took care of running this house or designing the kind of marriage that he really wanted, and taking an active, responsible role in all of that). So much of the unhappiness he felt was inside of him...not inside of our marriage... but he was too weak, too scared to do the intraspective work it takes to figure that out, to fix it. That is why I know the relationship with OW will never work...because my H is stil my H, and he has done nothing to improve himself, addres the issues that made him unhappy, so he will end up feeling the same with her, only worse, because he will be without a family, a spouse who supported him (in more ways than one), a best friend, etc., etc., etc.

I start to wonder...IF he confesses all. IF he wakes up from the fog. IF he breaks all contact with OW. IF he comes crawling back, committed to everything under the sun that it would take to heal this marriage, IF, IF, IF, IF....do I really want him anymore anyway?

The answer is...I am the weak and stupid one...because it is yes! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

One more question. The A happened at work, and almost noone knows (with the exception of my friend). Should I expose them both, or is it even worth it at this point. And should I do this anonymously (or is that WAY too cowardly)?

Christy,

It does get better. I know those words don't mean much now with all the pain at this point. I've been on and off in plans A and B for about 8 months. When I first started posting and heard people that were in like in their 3rd month or 6th month, or some ungodly year long plan B, I just couldn't imagine it. I couldn't imagine 2 weeks much less a year. You are going to be on a rollercoaster ride, but the only person that can help you is you. And maybe some anti d's... In month 8, I'm finally able to eat and sleep again and now am enjoying a long lost hobby. I wish I had listened to all the people on here that said, move on, improve your life, work on you, do the things you've always wanted to do. Plan B is for 2 things, improving yourself and doing the things that make you happy, and letting your spouse and other person find out what it is like to be without you and letting them see each other in their true colors, warts and all. Its tough and I know how you feel, but know that it does get better and it can get better sooner, if you do the things you need to do. Like I said, people told me to work on me and get a hobby or do the things I've always wanted to do. That's what you need to do. I know its hard to put your H out of your mind, but you have to and do things to stay busy and have fun. I hope you the best and I want you to know that you have a great support section right here. Post if you feel down, or if you feel happy, or if you just want to vent. This board has kept me going. I really don't know how I would have survived without it. Anyway, we are here for you...

Dear lost,

Wow! I owe you some serious homage. You have really stuck it out... it is funny what you will weather when you have to (everyone says to me "I admire you...if I found out my spouse had an A, it would be over immediately." And I always reply, "You never know what you will endure until it happens to you...and if you truly love your S, you will try and fight for the M."). Doesn't it become almost a BLESSING and a curse. A Blessing that you get to focus on yourself again, many have deepened their faith, reprioritized their lives to spend more time with family and friends and those they love, take up old hobbies you left behind, but then, it is a curse you would not wish on your worst enemy...well maybe the OP, but other than that...

Don't expose affair while you are in Plan B. You only do expose affair in Plan A because you are in contact and you can repair the damage if necessary.

First week is the hardest. After 3rd week you will be much better... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />