Today, an email came from my H asking whether he could take D to a cottage in August with a couple and kids she's never met...just threw my day off in the midst of 4 meetings. However, I didn't OVERreact...like I was prone to...however, the week he suggested was i)in conflict with an annual bash I've attended with D in the past and ii)in conflict with a theatre camp I INTEND to put her into...

Okay, I just don't feel she should go. How did I respond to the email. Quickly and unemotionally...I've registered her for theatre camp for that week (white lie) and conflicts with annual bash at mutual friend's...

However, the bigger dilemma...how do I deal with the stomach sinking to the ground when I see these messages...the thought of my D without me for any length of time destroys me. Selfish? Yes.

But he's never taken her overnight before.

There is no legal binding agreement between us except for the one that exists in his mind and heart.

In the past, it sunk because I wanted so much to be a family and enjoy these outings. Now, it's simply because I live for her.

Okay, enough said.

I got through my meetings. I acted professionally. I didn't call ANYONE and moan about what an A**hole he's become...I just think it!!!

I have grown somewhat...I just can't let go in my mind or my heart.

I think you need to inititate some legal action.

You need to know what to expect for visits, and so does he. There will come a time when he will have his D overnight without you there.

Try joining a divorce/separation support group. Maybe they could give you some tips.

Or try the Divorce board here.

Best of luck. SS

Hi Terrified

I think the answer lies in your motives to say no. I guess it is in examining what is best for your daughter.

I don't know how in date your signature line is, but it would appear that it is now longer than two years that you have been separated and sounds like OW is not around but in other country. I am therefore assuming that your D would not be exposed to your H with OW if she were to go with him.

You also say this is the first time that he has wanted her for overnight.

If it were me (and I am not you) I would base my decision on whether I thought my daughter would gain more from the annual bash and theatre camp or from spending some time with her father.

Only you know your H, his motives, you daughter and what she needs and yourself and your own motives in your decision making.

Just some food for thought
C&S

Your daughter will be 5 in the summer. Why not ask her what she would like to do?

You really do need to break free from your sweetie Terri. I know how much you love her, and how much she is your world right now... but she is her own person. And being too close to our children can have disasterous effects on their lives in the future. In other words, she needs to know that she'll be okay with dad, even if mom isn't there.

And besides... if she goes with him on that weekend.. it would be the perfect time for you and ark to get together and make a "Terri plan". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Karen

p.s. talk to your lawyer or go to your local courthouse to the "Family Law Information Centre" (FLIC), and see what it would take to arrange a full visitation schedule. I don't think your H should just get one weekend a year. He should be giving up those precious sports games for what's really important. His daughter. Standard visitation is every other weekend, and one night each week. Help him to walk the walk he's been talking for so long.

Terr...

there are many things to this....and the actual days in August are about the least of it...

Still the question is what do YOU want....

Can you use this situation not even to your advantage at this point but to the advantage of your daughter...and use this as a stepping stone to open up all new kinds of communication.....

THIS...whatever THIS is you have going on is NOT WORKING....

However, the bigger dilemma...how do I deal with the stomach sinking to the ground when I see these messages...the thought of my D without me for any length of time destroys me. Selfish? Yes.

No that's not selfish...that's too over dependant...and puts daughter in a position as a potential pawn....

Is he an A@@hole for asking to see daughter?
No he is not an A@@hole for asking that...but you both are pretty much stubborn knuckleheads for both of you choosing too communicate with eachother the way you have and are...
OH MY GOD!!!! I think I just called you a knucklehead...!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) im so sorry im so sorry im so sorry....

And will apologize up and down...but you KNOW what I am saying.....and you know I care deeply about your well being....

this isn't going to work ...one email one phone call one request sending you in to a tail spin of anxiety and emotion....AND your inability to request anything of HIM......
ugghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In the past, it sunk because I wanted so much to be a family and enjoy these outings. Now, it's simply because I live for her.

I am so mad at you right now...
I am soooo serious about you joining a class this week....
join a beginners golf league....SOMETHING!!!
please please please...
just that sentence above is even more reason for you to get a interest and make some contacts outside of your circle....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

you have till the end of this month..to do it..

You really need to work on your self skills here...you are beginning to live too long in this position of fearing contact and waves..and it is becoming dangerously familiar to you...

Oh Terr..what do you want....
what ever it is...say it speak it...
make it a goal and work towards it....


I have to go to work....it's five am on Sunday..I am insane...
but I have plenty to say...but I need feedback...from you...

ark
sorry for the knucklehead comment....you can call me anything you want anytime.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

<small>[ March 07, 2004, 05:42 AM: Message edited by: ark^^ ]</small>

Your daughter may be the most important person in your life, but to live your life soley for her is a mistake. You should not put the burden of YOUR happiness on your child. That is not fair to her.

As the father of two daughters I can assure you that she will pull away from you, do things that dissapoint and hurt your. She will still love you, but she is a child growing up and she will do those things. She wouldn't be human if didn't do them.

Get yourself a life. Find things to do that interest you. If they also interest your daughter, all the better.

Girls weekend in Canada!
Ark? you in?

Pick a weekend T. Tell that blubberhead of a husband that he's got kid duty.

Lets drink margaritas and stay up all nite gabbing. Then shopping or a spa day. (I need a pedicure!!) Then more margaritas and a nite out -- I feel like dancing!! Brunch somewhere on Sunday?

You are 100% welcome to make the trip here if you'd like! I promise you a great time!

Lets start taking a look at how to enjoy life every day! Time to get some healthy balance to your life.

When? Lets do it soon! ok? Sometime in the next month...you pick!

Terri,
You are a caring, consistant parent and that is very obvious.

Can you have a simple conversation of "Oh, Daughter & I usually go to _________ and I had planned theatre camp for her."

Your "tradition" of going to this August bash is no more important than H's wanting to take her to a cabin.

I know this is something he hasn't done, but, change isn't necessarily bad. And surely you can still go to the bash?

As for the theatre camp, I was putting about a decade worth of pictures into albums yesterday, my kids have very little memory of the activities they were in prior to about 2nd grade. They were excited at the time, and no doubt spent some time in their Little Mermaid & Jasmine from Aladdin costumes, but there are so many activities every year.

It's wonderful to have a terrific relationship with daughters, but in the next decade she's going to be involved in many things that you won't be a direct part of. The decade after that, the one I'm in with my teenagers, you may not even know what they plan to do when they walk out the door in the evening, because they don't have a plan other than "hanging out with friends".

Your H wants a chance to parent overnight for the first time. It's something he's been terribly lax on, something he should be doing 1-3 times a week.

As I understand, you've never pursued that because you don't want her out of your house at night and he's never wanted it either.

If you want sole custody so that he has NO RIGHTS to her, you are going to have to go for it. Otherwise you have to negociate, like you would if he acted like a real dad.

You aren't in an easy position and it isn't even easy to think of what to say about the situation that you are accepting as it is.

You are stronger than you think.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Terri}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

LEXXY LEXXY LEXXY!!!!!!!!!!

You have had my head spinnig for four days now since this post...

mulling it over..
thinking thinking thinking...

I want to say yes yep go for it...let's do it...
but i can't...not next month...

darn toddlers..why do TWO year olds have to be sooo needy..
and it's not that mr. ark wouldn't watch them..he would and does all the time...it's that I'M already booked every other weekend....at work...and so the other weekends fill up so fast..
going to philadelphia end of this month...vermont in June...beach in july....
and then when I have to cover other peoples vacation...

I am sooo torn because I want to just say yes..but then I would be one of the people who has to back out at the last minute...
BUT BUT BUT BUT....I could really think about doing this in September.....going to the falls then...wouold love that...so I am saying NO booo hoo to next month...but not NO indefinitley....

mmmmm margaritas.....
who knows maybe by then PEP would be ready to come east...and everyone else..!!!!

BESIDES
TERRIFIED isn't even TALKING to US!!!!!!!!!!!!
hrrrrmmmppphh....besides who would restrain me fron going to see her husband???!!!!!!!!!!

making a little visit...
making a little deal
I hate when someone puts a horses head in your bed..don't you.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

so it's not this spring..but why should redhat and those west coasters have ALL the fun...

ark
terr are you even talking to us..or did the thought of us coming make you faint...