DDay for me was mid Aug 2003. Everything seems to be fine now. W or is it WW or FWW or DW says she is back in love with me.

And that is the point. I don`t KNOW which W she is. There is an anger building in me, a primal anger. I think it stems from this not knowing.

I should know.
I deserve to know.
I have moved mountains to save my M.
And still I don`t know.
Can I ever really know?
And if I can`t do i really want to live with this doubt the rest of my life?
Hows that for ironic?

I totally feel your pain. But I guess that is the whole game of forgiveness and recovery. Did she send a nc letter? I read a book about marriage recovery that recommended the NC be a bit harsh (not only for the sake of the BS, but also for the OP benefit, so there is abosolutely no false hope for reuniting, etc). IF and when my WH ever wants to end it with the OW, I think I will request that type of ending. Admit you used her, lied to her, never really loved her, and that you willingly, gladly and proudly chose me and our family. PERIOD.

Part of recovery is fixing the problems in the marriage and learning how to affair-proof your relationship for the future (and the Policy of Joint Agreement and TOTAL HONESTY deal are two good ways to start that).

My heart goes out to you. We fight for this M, and then sometimes we are lucky enough to "win," and we wonder how great the "prize" was after all!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RG:
<strong> DDay for me was mid Aug 2003. Everything seems to be fine now. W or is it WW or FWW or DW says she is back in love with me.

And that is the point. I don`t KNOW which W she is. There is an anger building in me, a primal anger. I think it stems from this not knowing.

I should know.
I deserve to know.
I have moved mountains to save my M.
And still I don`t know.
Can I ever really know?
And if I can`t do i really want to live with this doubt the rest of my life?
Hows that for ironic? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">First off, you are at a BAD TIME in your recovery. You are at the peak time around 8 months where the relief of saving your marriage has worn off and the RAGE comes to the surface. This is a very common phase of recovery. I felt very angry and often felt like a CHUMP for staying with my spouse around this time.

However, it did go away and start feeling much better around the 12-13 month mark.

However, i have to ask, is your W doing EVERTHING in her power to earn your trust? Did she open her life up to you with passwords, cellphone bills, etc? I don't think I would have EVER learned to trust my H again if I had not put spyware on his computer and saw WITH MY OWN EYES that he was faithful That did ALOT to restore my confidence in him.

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 10:00 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

ChristyV and MelodyLane thanks for you input and kind words.

First of all she is not stupid,she is very smart. So i have to look at this from the view point of if I wanted to hide an A how would I do it.

She has not sent a NC letter. I have not asked her to. She would if i asked her to but what is the point? If she is serious about no contact. Then there will be no contact. If not she simply calls him and tells him i made her write it and it means nothing. They have a good laugh about how stupid it is and how stupid I am.

Total honesty, thats a good one. On DDAY when OMW calls me to tell me she caught them kissing. She says they are just friends. The next day when i confront her with love letters and e-mails i find on the PC she admits to a PA. She latter recants the PA says it was a EA. Says she told me it was a PA because she thought that would make me leave her. She sticks to the EA. story to this very day.

Everything in her power to earn my trust? Yes I have all the passwords and cell phone bills. But if i were going to hide an A. I would go out and get another cell phone. Keep it at work have the bill go to work and no one would ever know. Same with the PC and e-mail account. So that doesn`t give me great comfort.

I am in weekly contact with OMW we compare notes on any strange behavour or late home from work ect. OM has been coming home late from work the last month or so and my W has been home. I think this is my best indicator I have to date that the A is over and he has moved on to another A. My heart really goes out to her if this is true.

From talking with OMW I believe I turned their fantacy dream world into a nitemare with three simple acts. I called OM and threatened him if he ever contacted my W again. This was a bluff, I was fairly sure my W would convince him I was not a real threat and they would contact eachother again. I had read alot about A`s by this time and knew I had to wreak the carefree fantacy world. This was the first step. She had convinced him I was not a threat. I would soon convince him that she lied.

A few weeks go by and there it is. The OM number on the redial of my W cell phone. So I press redail and he answers says, Hi babe. I say I`m not your babe, but I`ll be seeing you real soon start looking over your shoulder. Click, he hung up on me.How rude LOL. I`m in deep now, this can`t be another bluff and I know it. I have to make the threat seem real.But I want him to stew for a while. I want him looking over his shoulder wondering when the other shoe is going to drop.

OMW calls me 2 days later. Says OM went ballistic he said she wreaked his life by calling me. Said he has to look over his shoulder now for the rest of his life. I laugh, tell OMW what happened and tell her that soon he will think that my wife is the most dangerous woman on the planet. But don`t worry I won`t hurt him.

Two weeks go by then I contact some old friends I played high school football with. Four of them agree to go to OM house and deliver a message from me. The message was, My W is the most dangerous woman on the panet to you and this is your last warning. They said he started shaking when they said her name.

After that I have found no evidence of contact. While all this was going on I was doing plan A.

So I think she is my DW again but how do I know that?

If the A ended because of what I did to the OM does that mean she wanted me first or me by default?

I just don`t know. I really wish I did.

RG somethings jump out at me.

She admits when confronted with the love letters that it was a PA.

She then recants.

At about the sametime the OM goes off on his wife saying calling you ruined his life.

Sounds an awful lot like the affair was indeed a PA how is one's life ruined by not having a friend? And her changing her story sounds like she was consulting with OM. Perhaps OM needed her to tow the company line so his wife wouldn't be able to confirm the sex part.

A lot of what you are experiencing and how she is behaving is pretty common, see the link below:

http://www.2-in-2-1.co.uk/tips/patternaffair.html

Hang in there seems are going to be crazy for awhile.

SDFR, Yes that is her, She seems to be at #5 right now. Wants to forget it ever happened.

I worded part of that last post wrong. I should have said. OM told OMW that she ruined his life by calling me BECAUSE he now has to look over his shoulder the rest of his life.

The recanting part was bizzare. This took place after a month or two of what i think was a perfect plan A. My W says to me. I know you won`t believe this now and might not ever believe it. But I didn`t have a PA. I`m not that kind of person, I couldn`t do that. I would Divorce you first before I would do that. And i was planning on Divorcing you as soon as our D finished HS in the spring. I only told you I had a PA because i knew you already thought it and it would make leaving you easy. I thought you would just kick me out of the house and it would be over. Instead you did a 180 and started to fight for me.

Now I don`t know what I want. Can you wait until I do?

I told her yes I can wait as long as she needs. But she needs to understand that the sex part is not that important to me. It was the " I love yous" to the OM that ripped my heart out. All I want to know is the truth.

W says the truth is we were real good friends and now we are not even friends anymore.

That was about 3 months ago. About that time I started to feel she loved me again. Her whole attitude toward me changed. Body language changed.

As Paul harvey would say thats the rest of the story.

But is it real or is it memorex?

RG, just had to tell you I love your tactics. If you happened to read my post about the "Recovery Game", I'd have to say you moved forward at least 20 spaces with the football player friends showing up at OM's door. That was great!

I have a similar story regarding what H did or didn't do with OW. First it was an EA, then about 4 days later I asked him if it really was a PA. His lack of an answer and diverted eyes gave me that answer. He would not tell me more. He said he wasn't afraid, just didn't think it would help us. I think he was scared S%#@less. Then, during one of my interrogations, I asked if they had screwed. He said "No, he didn't think he could perform because of BP meds he was taking that had screwed up our sex life." About a week after that I asked him again. He said yes, he had. Then I asked if he had used a condom, and he said yes. A short time period later I grilled him for more details, in a very calm way. This time he was back to story # 1. No actually now we're on story #3, which was he tried to have sex but wasn't able to. Presently we're on story #4, no back to #1. He really wanted to have intercourse, but was afraid to. It's got to be really tough keeping track of all the different stories. I'd really suck as the WS.

Hang in there. It sounds like your doing great! You and the other men on here who are fighting for your M's are amazing. Hopefully your Ws will appreciate it one day. I sure hope my H will.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by RG:
<strong> Two weeks go by then I contact some old friends I played high school football with. Four of them agree to go to OM house and deliver a message from me. The message was, My W is the most dangerous woman on the panet to you and this is your last warning. They said he started shaking when they said her name.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I love it!!
Michael