Hi all,

I have received the following e-mail from OM this morning:

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Best “Suzet”

Sorry it took me so long to respond to your previous letter (e-mail) – The NC-letter I send to him during Sept last year.

In November 2003 I've passed my last subject for my B.Sc degree and therefore I'll receive my degree during April 2004. Since I’ve heard about you and ……… (name of my husband) ineligible situation I couldn’t help thinking about you. (The ineligible situation he’s referring to is my H’s victimization and unfair dismissal during January this year in this same institution where me and OM work).

The reason is because of your loyal support during the times I had VERY “DARK” days.. In the beginning after I’ve started my B.Sc studies, there was many days I didn’t know if “I was coming or going”. God send you on my path and you have helped me through it. Therefore I want to thank you for your support and trust in me during those times I needed it most. Now I’m finished with my degree and I’ve received consent to continue with my Honnors. It looks interesting and I’m looking forward continue the studies.

I will go as far to say that if the Lord have NOT send you on my path when I needed it, I wouldn’t be able to start the degree and finished it. THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR SUPPORT AND FRIENDSHIP!

Every day, in my prayers, I also dedicate you and ………. (my H’s name) to the Lord. I think about you and know God will provide! At the moment I don’t know how the case (my H’s case with his job situation – it is in the process of going to higher court) is progressed or what is happening. Just remember I will never forget what you friendship meant to me! I will maintain your request in the e-mail (NC-letter I have send to him last year) and I accept it. Just remember, although I don’t have contact with you, I think of you during this very difficult time and I will pray for you. I know God will provide!

Hope you have a wonderful day.

Greetings
OM
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What must I think about this? I feel very confused. I will appreciate anyone’s opinion.

I haven’t respond to the e-mail and don’t plan on doing so either... I've printed out the e-mail and will show it to my H this afternoon. I think this is the best way to handle this situation. The though has pop up in my mind to send a short reply to him that just says “Thank you”, but I’m afraid it might open a new "door" and I don’t want that. And I’m also not sure what OM’s true intentions are… Maybe he have changed and only meant good by his letter, but maybe it’s another way of him to try and get me into contact with him again. Or a way of him to make me consider it. What do you think?

Last week I’ve posted on problem with residual feelings, anxiousness and fearfullnes towards OM. It will give a clearer background to anyone who’s interested and haven’t followed my previous post.

I will really appreciate any feedback.

Thanks,
Suzet

Hi Suzet.
He did word if VERY CAREFULLY to include your husband, not say anything about getting together again, and kept it on the 'friends' level, no "I love yous".

I think a "Thanks for the note, I hope you and (wife's name) have a wonderful life" would be acceptable.
It should be signed by both you and your husband's name so he would know he read it also.

Since you are showing your husband the e-mail, let him be the one to decide whether to send a short responce, since he was the one betrayed.
Love, Julie

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 06:22 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Suzet-

Your instincts are correct with regards to the email. Don't repond to it and show the contents to your H. Sounds like you've come quite a long way since the A, no need to get back on that slippery slope....Good luck and god bless!

STRONGLY DISAGREE--

And let me explain why:

1- He lets you know he thinks of you daily--he is saying my feelings haven't gone away the door is still open.

2- He bothers to update you on his life thus placing you back into it.

3- He implies that he is keep up with yours via what's happening in your husbands case.

MOST SIGNIFICANT

4- He openly implies that what happened was somehow noble. As if God himself sent you in his hour of need. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Horse hocky- thanks you for his trust----uh who's trust was being violated with the trust he thanks you for. Couldn't have done without you--well it does take two to tango but he could have achieved academically without you that's just an excuse.

He's not really including your husband:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Since I’ve heard about you and ……… (name of my husband) ineligible situation I couldn’t help thinking about you. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No effort to say I think about what you both must be going through.

Quite frankly he shows no resmorse for the harm he caused your husband, your marriage and if it applies your children/family. He attempts to make it sound as if it were all somehow noble.

Like I said HORSE HOCKEY!

He

Don't EVEN answer him.

NC means NC. You asked for it, you stick to it.
And yes, definitely show it to your H - great decision on your part!

Is it possible for you to put rules on your email so that any emails from him get silently deleted? That way you'll never be faced with any kind of decision like this again, and you'll never have to show an email to your H again.

Stunned-Dad was incredibly perceptive and right on the money, as always.

Just remember, although I don’t have contact with you, I think of you

I believe this is why he wrote this email to you. Period. The end.

Show it to your H, and I agree with SDFR - DO NOT SEND A REPLY.

YOU asked for NC. If he refuses to abide by that, you cannot control him. You can control you. Show by your example that you meant what you said.

Now, if your H wants to reply to his email, that would show OM that 1)You are not going to communicate with him again and 2)that your H sees all of your correspondence, and that if OM contacts you again, your H will see it again.

You are doing awesome. Way to stay level-headed and ask advice about the best course of action to take, rather than acting on instinct. I know that my instincts, on the BS side of things, have led me wrong several times.

Sometimes, you have to have a plan and stick to it, no matter what, to get the desired affects.

Lots of love and HUGS! SS

From a purely technical POV, most e-mail programs have the ability to filter (as well as web based e-mail)

I suggest you filter out these e-mails so you are not even tempted to read the e-mails from OM.

I know you didn't ask for a solution to a problem, so just take it as an unsolicited suggestion. You are free to use it or discard it.

Tony

Thanks so much for everyone&#8217;s replies, I really appreciate it. Sorry it took me so long to respond, but as some of you probably know by now, I don&#8217;t have internet/e-mail access at home and can only post during working hours. I&#8217;ve send the new post on Friday just before I left from work (I was the afternoon off).

I&#8217;m a bit busy today, but as soon as I have time I will send a full reply to every one. There&#8217;re some things I want to make clear, but for know I just want to let everyone know that I&#8217;m definitely NOT going to respond to OM&#8217;s e-mail in any way. I&#8217;m thoroughly aware that I still have some &#8220;weakness&#8221; and residual feelings for OM but this awareness only makes it more crucial to protect my H and maintain NO CONTACT whatever the circumstances.

Blessed TIME,
I think a "Thanks for the note, I hope you and (wife's name) have a wonderful life" would be acceptable.Uh, no, that is a TERRIBLE idea and would be an extremely bad move...
You have done good Suzet

Yeah, you guys are probably right and I am wrong about sending a little reply.

I wasn't reading between the lines, that the OM was probably testing the water to see where Suzet was with her feelings for him and also trying to cover his butt (so to speak) so he wouldn't appear he wanted back in the relationship. (In case she didn't.)
Sincerely, Julie

I wasn't reading between the lines,
Nothing really to read between the lines.
It is irrelevant WHY he sent the email.
She said "no contact". She cannot control him but she can control herself. And she said she would not have any contact.
If she were to respnd in ANY way, he would get the message that a little contact is acceptable.

manipulation

that's it .... one word

"manipulation"

>puke<

Suzet,

Sounds like you are handling things perfectly. The thing that stood out in OMs letter, like SD pointed out, was how he tried to say it was God's will that you were having an affair with him at that time to further his life's goals (puke!).

And just what does he think your attention to him was taking away from your husband's life goals? Was it also God's will for your marriage to suffer so OM could be well on his way to happiness and your husband's and your goals could be put on hold?

Yccchhhh. You're on the right track.

~ Snow

What a creep this guy is!! Stunned Dad wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> No effort to say I think about what you both must be going through.

Quite frankly he shows no resmorse for the harm he caused your husband, your marriage and if it applies your children/family. He attempts to make it sound as if it were all somehow noble.

Like I said HORSE HOCKEY!

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. This is sort of what happened when I had to contact one of my H's OW. (It was a medical issue...you guessed it...an STD....I won't go into detail here, but I will say that I was trying to find out just how concerned I needed to be about losing my uterus. She had lost hers at a very young age and I wanted to make sure that it wasn't due to what she'd passed on.)

Anyway, she was very apologetic, but in the same breath gave me the impression that she would have never been able to survive that part of her life without my H. She even thanked me for sharing him with her. It freaked me out needless to say. This was in e-mail. I just ignored that part of her response, but it sure did hurt. She's a very flaky person and after reading her e-mails my H was very embarrassed to say the least for having gotten involved with someone so flaky. She even commented on the fact that maybe she and I were supposed to be friends now at this time in our lives. Dream on!

The latest OW told me point blank that she tries very hard to let God lead her every step and that HE led her to my H. She was dead serious, too! Yeah, right!

Stillwed

Hi all,

Just to give some background and better understanding: My involvement with OM was the typical one where it started as platonic friendship and slowly developed to a deeper level of mutual trust where it was on the end very difficult and cloudy to distinguish between &#8216;close and appropriate friendship&#8217; and emotional involvement or an EA&#8230; I&#8217;ve once send an article on emotional infidelity in the workplace to this forum where it was stated: "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love." This was so true for me and I&#8217;ve recognized that there was an unhealthy emotional connection with OM long before the friendship became inappropriate during the 3rd year of e-mail contact&#8230; I didn&#8217;t even know about the existence of emotional affairs at that stage but this forum and website and many other articles and books I&#8217;ve read has opened my eyes towards friendships with the opposite sex.

The friendship with OM became inappropriate after I encouraged and morally supported OM to continue his studies during those times he received resistance, unfair treatment and many other difficulties in his working environment &#8211; and it&#8217;s for the support during those times (before the friendship became inappropriate) OM thanked me for in his letter. I agree that OM is playing on my feelings to &#8220;test the waters&#8221;, is using Lord&#8217;s name to make his interest in me look innocent and as one member have said, &#8220;even God-ordained&#8221;. I realize by doing this he is acting manipulative and selfish and without respect towards my H & M or any remorse/repentance about the damage he have caused. But I have the following idea as well about OM&#8217;s behavior and I want members to tell me what they think: From OM&#8217;s e-mail I have an idea that he is in denial and fog and still thinks we were involved in nothing more than just a &#8216;close friendship&#8217;. I really think in OM&#8217;s mind, he is rationalizing our previous involvement and &#8216;blocks&#8217; out the inappropriateness of the friendship and his wrong behavior towards me at the time. I think he only sees what HE wants to see and actually believing his own lies (that God send me, the friendship wasn&#8217;t wrong etc.) And part of this is because he never experienced the damage of our involvement in his OWN marriage (his wife doesn&#8217;t know about our inappropriate friendship at all) and there was never any need for him to take accountability of his own wrong actions and choices towards his W, M and family.

The reason I was curious to open and read OM&#8217;s e-mail: I was hoping OM has come to his senses and would apologize for some of his rude behaviour in the past. I was really hoping he would at least take recognition for the fact that he acted WRONG towards me, my H and our M and that he would acknowledge that &#8211; something he never did since the friendship was ended and sending of NC-letter.

<small>[ March 09, 2004, 05:12 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">But I have the following idea as well about OM’s behavior and I want members to tell me what they think: From OM’s e-mail I have an idea that he is in denial and fog...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You asked what we think.

I'm wondering what difference it makes where OM's head is at. I think it matters not a bit whether he's come to his senses. No longer your concern.

My WH's OW was my supposed "best friend." She is single, and their friendship began as yours did, innocent. And slowly crossed over the boundaries.

WH still insists that their EA was just "honest communication between two friends." If you read the emails, even before the PA, you would know it was indeed an EA.

I know eventually my WH will come out of his fog of guilt and shame and confusion (OW dumped him for old BF, of course), and acknowledge what he knows deep down - that it was wholly inappropriate and hurtful to me and our M and family.

I want to think that some day I will get the same from her, but I don't think I will. I think she is messed up on the inside. Because she didn't "lose" anything, she doesn't really think she did anything wrong.

In fact, I think she thinks that since she gave my WH up, that I will be her friend. HA! In fact, I say double HA HA! NEVER!!! With friends like that . . .

I guess what I am saying is that I understand what you are saying, looking for his remorse, but all you need is your H's forgiveness and willingness to work on the M. And it seems you have that.

Realize that OM's feelings and words are useless to you. More than useless, potentially harmful.

You are doing great. You truly are. Lots of love and support and HUGS!

SS

Don't you just hate it when people's behavior is obviously offensive to God, they will throw His name around! God would "send" someone to get involved in an adulterous affair and bless those involved through the affair! Sorry, just not in His character. Rationalization.

I'm sorry but your relationship with your husband is none of is business as well a your husband's position with his employer. Why would he feel the need to tell you that he doesn't know about your H's case? Doesn't make sense and I dare say the opposite may be more likely to be true.

NC is NC. He's thinking of you even though there is no contact! Why say that especially after 5 months? It seems that he's testing you to see if he can further manipulate. Please fail his test and don't respond.

Hi all,

Thanks for the responses! Spider Slayer, especially thanks to you for your words of support.

I just want to confirm that I have showed the e-mail to my husband immediately after I left from work last Friday. We&#8217;ve discussed it and decided that we will just ignore the e-mail and don&#8217;t respond on it in any way.

I must admit that OM has succeeded to confuse and stir my feelings with his letter again&#8230; He has succeeded to occupy my thoughts for the most part of the weekend after I&#8217;ve received his letter... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> The whole weekend I had very conflicting thoughts and feelings in myself about this &#8211; the one moment I would feel very angry and upset towards OM for not respecting the NC and the next moment flattered about his appreciation for my friendship&#8230; I know it sounds absurd and I felt SO upset and frustrated with myself - the one moment my head and logic was telling me that OM don&#8217;t really care anything about me, my H and our M, but the next moment my heart told me that maybe OM meant it sincerely and I'm jsut overly negative and bias... I think the reason why I have these conflicting emotions and uncertainty sometimes is because the friendship never developed to the point where we had declared our feelings and attraction towards each other and discussed any intimate issues about our spouses or marriages. The friendship became inappropriate and developed to beginning stage of EA, but never reaches the point where I could say I was actually involved in a real emotional/physical affair. Maybe the &#8216;weak&#8217; part of me still want to believe that maybe OM is basically a good person who&#8217;ve made some mistakes and wrong choices while he was, like me, on the slippery slope during our friendship, but so far, his whole attitude and behavior towards me since the friendship was ended, showed the exact opposite. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

As you can see, it&#8217;s clear that OM still has some power over some of my thoughts and feelings and he has puss just the &#8220;right&#8221; buttons with his e-mail, but I&#8217;m working hard on myself and doing a lot better now after the weekend... I have succeed in re-directing most of my thoughts again and the logical (not feeling) part of me is in control again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I&#8217;m aware that I still have some &#8220;weakness&#8221; and residual feelings for OM, but as I&#8217;ve said this only makes it more crucial to protect my H and maintain NO CONTACT under all circumstances. I&#8217;ve come such a long ways since I&#8217;ve started recovery and started doing the right things and I don&#8217;t want anything to spoil it again.

<small>[ March 10, 2004, 04:19 AM: Message edited by: Suzet ]</small>

Hi Suzet,

I know receiving the e-mail from OM has been difficult for you emotionally, but that just proves the reason for NC. Even the slightest contact starts an unhappy rollercoaster ride again.

If it's absolutely not possible to block OM's e-mail or change jobs, for your own sanity, I would suggest immediately deleting any future e-mails from OM (unread) and maybe even calling your H right away (if he doesn't mind you calling him at work, so he will know what's going on, and can be supportive). I know that's easier to say than to do, but it would make your life easier in the long run.

From your posts, it's hard for me to tell what you mean by "inappropriate e-mails" or just how far you two went, but it sounds like you were playing with fire nonetheless.

It sounds like you're not sure how OM viewed the R or the e-mails, but it doesn't matter what he thought since you know how you were affected by the game.

Don't worry about appearing rude to him - he's the one being rude by contacting you when you have asked him not to.

Continue hanging in there. I'm glad you feel better. God bless.