I went to my H and begged him to please leave his job. I told him that I couldn't live here knowing he was going to work with OW everyday. I told him it was killing me to live up the street from her. I told him I was dead inside. I begged and pleaded. His response:

"I'm not leaving here until my time here is done. I do not want to leave and it's not because of her dumb @ss either." I hope that you will stay here with me but I understand if you cannot. I just hope that you will stay in (old duty station) until I'm done here so we can go somewhere together.

He's saying he doesn't care if I leave. That he's staying here regardless of how much it hurts me.

I give up. I give up.

I've decided that exposure is the only way. If I leave here I will not be going into Plan B. It will be because I am divorcing him. I can't spend 2 years living somewhere else, being a single mother and knowing he's here with her. I can't and I won't.

This is ruining my life and I'm letting it. I'm letting this kill me and turn me into someone I'm not. I'm a good person. I'm a good person. I do not deserve to hurt like this.

Please help me. What do I do? Where do I start with the exposure? OWH? I need help because I'm not thinking clearly now. I know this is what I need to do but I'm terrified to take that next step.

No you don't deserve this! I would try and calm down and start with the OWH. He deserves to know. I feel so badly for you....infidelity is hard on all of us but your situation with his career makes it doubly tough.

We didn't have career issues but we did live next door to OW and it took us several months to sell our house and move away. Even though I felt safe after a month of NC that he didn't want anything to do with her...it was still horrible living there and running into her, her kids, H, family, etc. We all tried our best to avoid each other but when living next door can't always accomplish that.

I was so happy when we left her and that neighborhood behind!!!!

As for your H...sounds like he's torn but leaning the wrong way. Maybe his career is more important to him but maybe he's still in a fog and needs a wake up call.

Hang in there!

Thank you Forever.

Can you tell me how the OW would act around you when you ran into her? Did she hide or act like she was ashamed?

Did you tell her H? What did you do?

Tell OW's H. Yes, WH will be mad. They all are. But it is necessary to shed some light on the A.

How should I do this?

What do I do if he gets crazy mad and tries to harm my H?

I have his home number and know where he lives. I've gone by his house several times but can't bring myself to stop. I know this will probably crush him. I have solid proof to give him. I know he won't think I'm making this up.

I'll give him the name of this site and ask him to come here for support. Should I ask him not to tell that I told? What do I do?

I don't want my H to leave me. I'm terrified. I feel so empty.

Stick with the MB plan. Call and ask OW's H if he has a moment to speak with you. Then tell him. Offer to confirm with evidence. You need to do this to save your marriage. Suggest he come to this site. We will support both of you.

Since I know she's out of town would it be better if I did this in person?

Launch the nuke.

WAT

WAT is right...launch the nuke!!

But before you do, make sure you have a plan. When taking baseball bats to the side of beehives, it is important that you know where the escape root is before you start swinging. Know what I mean??

Your husband is going to get angry...VERY angry!! I would be prepared for Plan B. Have the letter ready. In any case, have a letter ready for your husband, ready to give him the day you talk to OWH. Once you talk to OWH, then give husband the letter. In this letter (not Plan B letter...this is a letter of explanation), you let him know where you are at, why you have done this...and most importantly, where you want to be. That you are committed to this marriage and love him...but if something does not change soon, the marriage will be over. In order to keep that from happening, it is now important for you to expose this. You didnt want to do it, and had hoped your WH would come around and let this go discreetly. But he has left you no good choices.

Now, once you write that letter, post it here and we can vet it. Then, set up the appointment with OWH (this is a great time if the OW is out of town). On the day you go to see OWH, then leave the letter with your husband.

Then be ready for the firestorm. One great reason to expose the A is that OW now gets under the pressure that you and your WH are under. So, your husband doesnt want to leave? Okay, he may not need to. The OW may be forced to leave by the OWH (that is why it is important to try to educate the OWH when you tell him about this, and send him to this site...plus the books). Then leave him to his business.

Like I said, the hornets nest will become very active once you do this. All possibilities are there. So be ready for the worst, and pray for the best.

Get this letter together now. Call the OWH and tell him they need to talk ASAP! Then do it. Believe me, ESPECIALLY since WH and OW are military, once it looks like this is going to get out, one or both of them WILL make a move. I am sure OW doesnt want her career destroyed...and may just tell WH to get lost herself.

So get busy. And be prepared to go to Plan B, if needed. I know you say if you go home, that it means divorce. But, if you have to go to Plan B, you may be surprised how fast that boy puts in for the transfer. Once you get home, and he can no longer talk to you or be with you, he will be in pain. And he will have to make a decision. Thus, the decision on marriage or divorce will be made FOR you. So, dont worry about that now. Just follow the plan!

In His arms.

mortarman - the nuke I was referring to was to report the affair to OW's boss or her boss's boss. Let the military process do the dirty work.

JL and I recommended this some weeks ago as the ultimate affair ending weapon available only in the US military.

WAT

Wat,

OOhhhh. well, as a former inspector general with the Army, that may not be the best thing yet. She should let OWH know. But once the Army knows, his career is over, he could serve jail time...and he will never get a security clearance again.

I think some conventional weapons are in order before destroying everything. Because losing the OW is one thing. Losing the rest of his life is entirely different. Especially if Heroswife still wants the marriage and would like to see their family prosper when this is over. The military does not play around with this stuff. Once nukes are fired, it may come back to haunt her.

For now, I believe to escalate proportionally. Tell OWH. Tell her H's father/mother. Then see what happens. If that doesnt work, tell the chaplain and get him to take H aside. If that doesnt work, tell both of their commander and let him/her try to deal with it discreetly (if they will... the chance at this point is great that that commander will push the nuke himself). And if all of that doesnt work, then call the inspector general (the NUKE!).

In His arms.

As former IG, you know better than I. But what if the OW is H's superior officer? Can you say "Sexual Harassment"? I'll bet the military has special provisions for that situation that doesn't necessarily harm the subordinate.

WAT

Alright here goes. I need to do a Plan B letter to give him prior to talking to OWH? Is that what you said? And that I need to have the Plan B letter ready just in case he decides to leave me or do I just go straight to plan b from OWH's house?

Can someone give me a start on the plan b letter? I have to do this quickly. I want to do this today. I can't wait any longer. I'm dead inside and just do not care either way. If he wants his family then he'll just have to suck it up and drive on. I'm not going to be the one to suffer any longer for his mistakes.

I deserve better!

hw - I haven't kept up with your story. Has he moved out? You can't go to Plan B until a physical separation exists. Plan B can't be done under the same roof.

I'll try to locate my Plan B letter, but you may be able to find other examples via search.

WAT

Heroswife,

What I described above is kind of a pre-Plan B letter. WAT is right, until there is separation between the two of you, there is no Plan B (because the central tenet of Plan B is no contact with you and your WH).

I said above to put together a letter, explaining where you are at, and why you are talking to OWH. Kind of like what I outlined above. Then leave it for him AFTER you go see OWH. Email it to him. Something.

In this way, when he finds out, he will find out from you that you have contacted OWH, and the reasons. That way, when he goes on his tirade, you need not explain. He will know why.

It is then that you may need a Plan B letter, depending on how he reacts. He may leave. He may create an environment where you need to leave. Or, he may not even react to this much, which means you move home and go to Plan B.

So, get the PPBL ready and give to him after you see OWH. Also, get ready your Plan B letter (examples in Halry's book, also on the main part of the website. WAT can also link you to a few). Put those letters on here so we can vet them. And then be ready.

WAT: No, it does not matter is she is superior or not. If she is, then that will be just more charges against her. But, he is still liable for adultery charges. He knew better. No excuse.

In His arms.

hw - here's a sample Plan B letter from a former poster from several years ago.

If you have a copy of SAA there's a good example there.

Dear <Wife>,

The letter I wrote to you last summer to convey my love for you came from the bottom of my heart. Much has happened since then, but even today I still love you and want a chance to repair our relationship. This is despite knowing about your relationship with <OM>. I am painfully aware that I was not meeting all your needs as a husband, and I apologize for my part in creating an environment that helped make your relationship with <OM> possible.

During the past year, I have been reading and learning about relationships and marriages. I know that we allowed our relationship to be un-nurtured for too long. We did not spend enough time to work on us as a loving couple. It is easy to see now, but it was too easy to ignore in the past. This does not mean it is too late to begin rebuilding our marriage and deepening the love that we developed for each other. I know that by focusing on meeting each other’s needs in the future, we can have a much healthier and more satisfying relationship than we have ever had. I have learned from my mistakes, and have worked on making changes in myself over the past year. I am enjoying many aspects of my life, especially my children and my new job, and I am excited about my future.

More than anything else in this world, I want you to be a part of my future as my loving wife. I would like to be able to put the mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together. I want us to learn to meet each other’s needs and avoid making the same mistakes that got us to the place we now find ourselves. I want to help create the kind of life for us that is better than we ever dreamed. It won't happen overnight and it will take a lot of work, but we owe it to ourselves and to the children to try hard to make our marriage work. Choosing not to try is the blind way out and it leaves the same problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones.

This past year was the most emotionally traumatic period of my life. Despite the constant pain that I felt, I continued to maintain hope that we would reconcile, in part because of the numerous conversations where you stated that you "might be back". Your concerns about what we would do with your house and furniture in the event of reconciliation also gave me hope. However, the pain and shock that started last June when you first stated your intention of leaving our marriage have not gone away. I waited each night for you to come home until you left in November, yet as painful as it was to know where you had been, I am thankful that you continued to sleep beside me until you moved. I endured this emotional distress because I had one goal in mind, and that was to restore our marriage and our family back to the way it should be.

But we cannot recover as a family until you end your relationship with <OM> once and for all - and maintain no contact.

Until then, I will minimize all contact with you. Please initiate communication with me only via email or voice mail. I will try to have the children answer the phone when you call, and I ask the same of you when I call your house to say goodnight to the children. Of course, in case of an emergency, I will suspend this request. I realize the children’s needs may require direct contact from time to time, but I will minimize this and I ask you to do the same. When you come to pick up <Son> and <Daughter>, please remain outside when you arrive, and I will do the same at your house. I will assume that you will continue to work Sunday, and drop the children off one day early, for the weekends that you have the children. Please leave an email or voice mail should this ever change.

You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OM>, and the fact that you have also involved him in the lives of our children. They cannot yet understand the role he has played in the destruction of the family life that they so rightly deserve, but it has hurt me deeply. I simply cannot associate with you any longer until you end this permanently, and are willing to stop deceiving me. It is just too painful. I am weary and I cannot fight for our marriage alone anymore. I am also simply unable to continue being involved in any kind of relationship that is not based on honesty. I still love you, but I cannot see or talk to you under these conditions any longer.

I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you. I am doing it to protect my feelings for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. It is also a necessary step to allow myself to emotionally heal from the pain I have experienced since last June. I ask that you please respect my decision to separate in this way.

I want you as my wife, and I want us to be the united parents for <Son> and <Daughter> that we always wanted to be, together, in a happy marriage and as a happy family. <Son>, <Daughter>, and myself can help you become happy for the rest of your life. We are a permanent reality, committed to you forever, for better or for worse. Similarly, you can make the three of us very, very happy. We want you and need you to be home with us. I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to our marriage. You can come to me knowing I will embrace you. Even if you are not sure, I will understand and provide empathy. Forgiveness is not an issue, for I have already forgiven you for your relationship with <OM>.

As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OM> and acknowledge what happened, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family that we built with our love. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life being your loving husband, and provide you with the love and affection that you deserve.

I feel like I have spent my whole life loving you. It took me 30 years to find you, and the next 7 I spent with you. As I reflect on the past and the future, I know that I made the right choice. I found the woman that I want to spend my life with, and that woman is you. I fell madly in love with you when we were brought together, and I love you right up to this day. I just cannot be around you or pretend to be friends as long as you are involved with <OM> and you continue to deny what has occurred.

I hope that you understand my decision. I am doing it to protect the love that I have left for you, and it is the only way that I can preserve this love for some additional period of time.

I Love You,

<Me>

<OM>: I love <Wife> with all my heart, and have never given up on our marriage. I miss my wife and am willing to wait for her to give me the chance to help her find happiness. If your parents would truly disown you if they knew of your relationship with a married mother of two children, then I do not understand why you continue this immoral behavior. I ask that you do the honorable thing. End your relationship with my wife, and stop confusing my children by spending time with them.

Shortly after dday when I would see OW she would just go about her business. When she would be out in her yard with her kids she was almost flaunting herself...not hiding at all. That's when she thought that she still had my H hooked.

Within a couple weeks of dday and NC..he started seeing her for who she was, fog lifter, he despised her and he firmly established NC (he broke it briefly after dday), he then sent her NC letter (2 wks or so after dday).

After that..she hid from us. She didn't go out in yard with her kids...parked only in garage, went other way if she saw us, etc. Very different after that...embarrassed and a little afraid of me (I had threatened her after she broke NC).

As for telling OW H...I told him immediately (within 30 minutes of me finding out)..my H wasn't angry that I told...he didn't feel he had any right to be angry. We sat down with both of them dday night...OWH wasn't angry with my H at that time...he had felt something was wrong and was relieved out in open so he could deal with it. He also knew he'd been treating his W like crap and felt he almost deserved the A.

He and I kept in lose contact for first 6 wks after dday until we both felt safe that they weren't going to break NC.

Then we all avoided each other.

Very sad...we were all so close at one time!!

Originally posted by Mortarman:
He knew better. No excuse.

Like Dr. Phil says: "You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences."

One note of caution:

If you think your H might become so enraged that he poses a threat of violence of any sort .... you get OUT immediately.

I am a little concerned that your H is a trained soldier with a weapon handy ....

Just be careful.

Pep

Thank you for your concern. I do not think my H will harm me at all. He feels very guilty about what he did. He would never do anything to hurt me....well aside from the A that is.

I guess I need to post this last update before the poo hits the fan so to speak.

My H called me today. I asked him if we were going to talk about what happened yesterday (him telling me he was staying here until his time was up). He said yes, that he wanted to discuss it. The conversation went on for a little while. He again told me that he didn't want to leave here and that he didn't want me to leave either. I kept begging him to just leave...then he started getting angry with me.

I then launched into a HUGE LB. I told him he didn't have the balls to be a real man and do what is right for his family. I called him spineless and told him that if he wanted me to stay here with him for the next two years that it would change me more then the A has changed me. I told him that I would hate him for everything. I said I can forgive you for having the A but I can't forgive you for sitting back and watching me suffer knowing the entire time that you are the cause of my pain.

I told him that he wasn't just hurting me that he was hurting our babies. I told him he was selfish, selfish, selfish.

I'm sure I said more terrible things but that's most of it.

He said we would talk about this when he got home from work tonight. He told me he would do what was right. I was just convulsing in tears. I'm not sure I can take this anymore.

I might as well be dead now.

So I've tried to call OWH several times today...with no answer. I even went by his house. I'm not sure if he's out of town.

Should I even do this now that it appears my H is going to "do what's right"? I'm not sure what he means by that. Would I be doing the wrong thing to go to OWH now knowing that what my H is going to tell me tonight might be there we are leaving here?

Forever -

I wanted to mention to you that the OW honked her horn at me the other day. I figured she would take the high road considering I didn't tell her H. You know and try to hide like the OW in your situation did eventually.

I guess I should have expected this from trash. That's exactly what she is. I've confirmed with several people that she has done this before. I guess she never got caught.

I'll just say that day when she honked at me she was lucky my kids were in the car. I was so furious I probably would have driven to her house. Since that time I have made copies of the emails and phone records. I keep them in my car...just in case she did that again so I could drive to her house and show her H.

I guess today's the dday for him. I'm pretty sure the A is over....I do not know if that will help him deal with this. I do not know him very well and I hope he does not try to hurt my H. He's a fairly big man. I made sure to point that out to my H on dday. The look on his face showed me that he had never even considered her H in all of this.

Whatever...I'm done here.