So here's the latest update of the afternoon.

I sent him an email asking if he had taken a look at this website yet. He didn't reply.

He calls me around lunch time to say that he is going to a luncheon for someone that is leaving the unit. I was immediately like...I don't like you being at social outings with her without me. He was like...it's nothing I promise. I just have to go in here and show my face and then go back to work. That's all. I told him I understood but that it felt like a knife in my back and was upset. He said....in a pissed off tone....Look I didn't call to start a fight or to upset you. I called to tell you I was going to this thing and that I'd call you later. It's just a farewell thing and I have to go.

I just said "it was just a conference too and you had to go to that too didn't you"

(that's where he slept with her, at a conference in North Carolina, where he had planned to be there with her, where I was supposed to go to with him but he called me 1 week before the conference and told me he didn't want me to go, at which point he hung the phone up with me and called her immediately...I know this because I have the phone records.)

So there's my afternoon. I feel like crap now. He is totally cake-eating. He doesn't realize what kind of pain he has caused me. He doesn't realize the pain I'm living with on a daily basis. He just wants me to get over this and act like it never happened.

I can tell you where this is leading...it's in all the books. You guys know without me telling you. My EN are not being met right now. I am feeling very unappreciated and I am slapped in the face day in and day out by all of this.

It's going to happen to me. Someone is going to come along and sense that I am down and out and just pick up where he's leaving off. I'm going to fall head over heels in love with this person and walk out on my marriage.

What's stopping me? Oh the thought of living this life and hurting like this is certainly not stopping me. If anything it's pushing me in that direction.

Imagine a sarcastic grin here: I can stay here and be disrespected, neglected, unappreciated and weak.....or I can just walk away and start all over again. Which would you choose?

I'm really not having a good day today. Maybe it's the hopes I had for this weekend that were squashed. Maybe it's the way that he just acts like he's king of the hill around here that really makes me want to just walk out the door.

I'm grasping for anything to keep me here right now.

There's a reason for plan b. You leave so you will not lose all your love for your WS. I should have never come up here. I should have stayed where I was and let him come up here by himself.

What was I thinking?

Thank you WH for all your love and support and for putting the happiness of your family above all others...including yourself. Where would we be without you neverending selfishness?

Today has been a venting day for me. I'm angry today. I hate him today. I deserve better then this. I deserve better then some @sshole that will walk out on his family and then act like he never did it.

We watched some show on the War in Iraq last night. I can't believe that less than a year ago he was at war and I was at home praying to God that I would hear his heart beat one more time. Praying that he would come home to his children because we needed him so much. Then he comes home and about 4 months later he gets into an A with this trashy woman that will sleep with any man that pays her attention. He tries to leave me? What is that?

This is just wrong. This whole thing is wrong. People just dont' do things like this. This is like some lifetime movie starring Merrodeth Baxtor Burny...or whoever is always in those movies.

This is not my life.

hw - let's assume for the moment that your H really has ended the affair and is telling you the truth when he says, "don't worry."

What else do you want him to do?

You've said yourself that he can't put a NC letter in writing and you've said that for him to change jobs would lessen his career.

But you agonize over his continued work related contact with OW.

Given your own constraints, what will make you relax enough to stop LB'ing him?

Now, let's assume the affair is ongoing and he should not be trusted when he says, "don't worry."

In this case, despite the continuing affair, you do not want to go to OW's H and you do not want to launch the nuke - things that can have a powerful impact.

What WILL you consider? Continued LBs do not help.

We cannot make the pain go away. We can continue to be a sounding board for venting, but you need to either bite your tongue and let time determine if he's being trustworthy, or take some action toward exposure. Continuing to LB him by challenging his statements - as he continues to tell you things - whenever you have a vision of him "being around" OW is going to get you no where.

WAT

I give up.

Don't give up HW. I'm thinking about something here. Be right back.

~ Snow

HW

I keep trying to write what I am feeling inside, but the thoughts are just too jumbled up. And I don't want to say anything without a firm footing.

But what I can tell you is that you can choose to give up any time you like. That power is always within your control. It's understood that fighting to recover in the light of this pain is truly insanity. Who would put themselves through this, and for how long? Why do it at all?

In many ways it would be much neater and cleaner to just end the misery right now, tonight, pack it in and head out of town with the kids for safer shores. File the big D and get on with your life. Realize you made a big fat mistake in choosing a man whose shortcomings are so severe that he could do this to his family. Now, wiser, you can choose a better man to be your husband and a step-father to your children.

Rings pretty hollow though, doesn't it?

The fact is, deep in your heart, you know the man you met, fell in love with, and married is still in there, somewhere. And the reason you're bearing all this pain right now is because all those good years don't get washed away in a few months' time. Even the hatred you feel for him at some moments can't outweigh the love you feel for him at others.

Oh, that our feelings could be turned off like a kitchen faucet and all of our decisions be made in the stone solitude of pure reason and logic. Then, perhaps, you would see that the correct decision is clearly that you leave the lying, cheating summofa*****, grab the girls and head for Alabama!

But I would propose that it is perhaps an opposite story that logic would tell, a story of a woman who met and fell in love with a wonderful man. The had many good years that unfolded before them. They were best friends and sweethearts, trustworthy and true. And a strong bond grew between them.

Logic might say that even the recent turn of events, as awful and difficult as it has been, aren't enough to destroy that bond. It is that very bond, crafted over many loving years, that keeps you here right now.

You can overcome this horrible period in your marriage and come out stronger. Your husband isn't coming around as quickly as you like? You resent being in the spot of having to go to the chaplain, or OW' H? The whole thing is just so sickeningly unfair.

But what was that bond between you made of? Was it as strong as you believed? Strong enough to withstand an assault of this magnitude?

I think if you can calm the flood of feelings, logic might tell you that, yes, this bond you and WH have created betwee you can withstand even this tearing of its fabric. It can be mended.

I think your H's words that he "f'ed up" indicate that he is beginning to come around. The words he followed up with -- "so get over it" -- are one way he can attempt to ditch the pain he will surely feel when he takes full responsibility.

Now, the question is: do you think the bond between you was sufficient that he'll be able to face the pain and take the responsibility for what he has done? Was the bond sufficient that you are willing to go through this pain now and to stand by him when he feels like a worthless POS for putting you through this? Was the bond between the two of you able to weather this storm?

If the answer is yes, or even a half-hearted maybe, then I think you must stay and continue the fight. Don't ever forget that you can end this at any moment, that is your choice. But unless you feel the bond between you is irreparable, it will be very hard, impossible even, to turn away.

Stay the course. Show him your pain. It is real and needs to be addressed. Make it safe for him to open up and take responsibility. Be there for him when he takes the fall as I think he will fall harder than most. Mend the fabric together. Heal the bond. You can do this, HW.

~ Snow

Sorry! Double post!

<small>[ March 15, 2004, 09:52 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

HW are you there? We're worried after your last two posts. Let us know how you are. What happened last night?

If he has to for now stay at the same post you should at least POJA on NC of any type of social nature. Who cares what people think about why he's not going. After dday we gave up our entire circle of neighborhood friends, we never accepted another invitation, we stopped going to their houses, we stopped going to neighborhood functions..we knew they were all wondering about why we dropped out and why we weren't speaking to our dear next door neighbor friends..we just let them wonder.

If you don't find out for sure if the A and friendship has ended and set and enforce some boundaries....need go to MC, NC other then work, him reading books, him empathizing with you, etc....you are going to go nuts.

I speak from experience the week before my signature line says we recovered I had a breakdown...went to bed and couldn't get out...didn't eat, didn't drink, didn't talk....just laid there. I just gave up, gave up on everything. My H called my IC, called my mom and my MD...they got me on medicine and advised he get me out of the house..get me to eat, rest, provide me with tons of TLC and carry more then his full road of recovery for awhile....otherwise I was headed for a full breakdown (physically and mentally) and was going to end up in the hospital.

This scared the sh## out of him!

He became super man, super H....our MC/IC said sad to say this was what he needed...he needed to see the results of what he'd done and see that he didn't have a choice but to carry his full load. This also gave him the chance to be the strong one.

I am happy to say that he more then rose to the occasion.

If you'd like to learn more about how he felt watching me go nuts....you can ask him on his thread....then print it out and give it to your H...see if he relates at all.

Hang in there!!!

HW,

How are you doing today? I'm say a few prayers for your situation.

Hang in.

~ Snow

Bumping for HW. Hope everything is OK, Heroswife. Praying for peace for you and your family.

Heroswife...

Im new here...and need help desperately from the wonderful people here...I wish I had some words of advice for you, but I dont....

What I can offer to you, is to know that I am praying for you. For wisdom, for direction, for discernment...My heart breaks for you...I did not finish reading all of your posts, but know how you must feel...just know that I am asking the Lord to give you the tools that you need to make it through this...

This place is wonderful, and I am glad it is here...

HW: With great pleasure I bestow on you my 100th post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Please dont give up. This is not who you are. You are becoming a victim of his cake-eating, which you are letting him do due to fear. Please re-read some of the excellent posts you have had recently. There are so many of us, spread all over the world, rooting for you. You will always have love and support here, but more importantly you will always be you, whatever happens. Being you is something to be proud of, whether you and H manage to work things out or not. All you have to do is try your best now, then you will have no regrets whatever the outcome.

Bit waffly, getting late here.
I hope you are ok, hope no news is good news.
Sending lots of love. And a 2x4. xxx

Hello everyone.

I am sorry to have been gone for so long. I'll admit my last post was not very informative. I'm sorry if this caused some of you to worry.

I greatly appreciate KS's bestowing upon me the 100th post. I am fortunate to have people like you who will listen and help me through this.

I do not have a whole lot of energy to post today. I will say that I am struggling to get out of bed now. I think it's just severe depression. I can't continue to carry this load any longer.

I told my H today that I felt like I was trying to hold on to something that wasn't there. Afterall if he really wanted to work through this and survive as a family wouldn't he meet the simple requests I've made?

It's obvious he is continuing to have a friendship with her. I won't stand for that. I will not.

It is also very obvious that he is not willing to come to this website and read and learn. He will not pick up the books. I came home last night and he was reading...was it one of the books I asked him to read to help us through this? Nope...but it was a really good book and I did recommend it to him. But that was for after he read or started to read the HNHN and Love Languages.

He won't. He's mentioned some things lately that make me believe he is trying to better himself (as in make him more attractive) and I'm convinced his new interest in doing these things can be related to how he wants to appear more attractive to her. He is also wanting to buy a motorcycle. Something he has mentioned in the past but never considered seriously. Suddenly he has to have one.

These are all signs to me that something fishy is going on. You don't have to be a rocket scientist to figure that out.

He is still in the fog...heavily...regardless of how hard I have tried to show him how much pain this is causing me.

His actions have not made life easier on me. His actions are, however, making me realize that I could leave here and I could have a life without him.

I'm not saying that I'm leaving. I'm saying I do not want to hurt anymore. I wish he would just come home....wrap his arms around me and say I love you baby. I'm sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry I did this to us and I will not let you leave me. I will fight for us."

He is not fighting us and I'm tired of fighting for us.

Hi HW - I apologize for showing my frustration about your situation in my last reply to you.

Motorcycle, huh?

How old is he? Is MLC too obvious a diagnosis?

WAT

MLC....maybe. He's about to turn 30 but that's really too young for that isn't it.

He's always wanted a motorcycle. He loves them. He has just never really considered having one seriously until now. Maybe I'm reading too much into that.

To be honest I would absolutely love to have one. My Dad rode a Harley and they remind me of him when he was younger. If we were anywhere but here I'd buy him the toughest bike on the road. But not here. Not now. Maybe when we leave here.

I'm pretty sure he senses my hesitation about this. I know he knows that I am at the end of my rope right now.

WAT - do not apologize for your last post. You, KS, believer, mortorman, snow, forever, ttt...etc. are the reason I'm here today.

Hit me with the 2x4. Do something to get me out of this state. I come to you for advice. I don't always take that advice. I'm not sure why I don't. I'm trying to do what is right here.

I want my girls to look back on their childhood and think...I want to be a mom just like my mom. I want to be their Hero. Now I am feeling very guilty for having them go through all of this.

I'm convincing myself that me leaving here and taking them with me is the best thing for them. They shouldn't see us fight. They shouldn't see me cry all the time.

He may have had the A but I am solely responsible for the way I am acting and the fact that right now I am a poor mother.

I have a job offer...as I've mentioned before. I can pick up and leave here in a month and be financially stable. I would not have to rely on him for child support at all. Knowing that I have that to fall back on is helpful. I also know that I still love him. I do not want to give up.

I love him and I know he loves me. I know it. I can see it in his eyes.

OK, forget the MLC - not that it would change your approach anyway.

I believe your thoughts of leaving are premature - and stop beating yourself up! Where's that 2X4???

That said, and assuming you're right about some level of affair still being in progress, he may have to feel some consequences before any thing will change. He's a fence sitter if it's still in progress.

What's driving you nuts is the mere thought of him being around her - whether the affair is over or not, right?

Hmmm, maybe you should get TWO Harleys. One for him to occupy his mind AWAY from OW and one you can talk to - Steve Harley. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WAT

Hi HW,

Glad to see you back. Sad to see you so down. I understand completely all of your hesitancy about the bike, the move, the job, everything, as long as he is just teetering on the fence. And I don't blame you one single bit for the thoughts you have about who he is making himself attractive for. That would be a red flag for me, too!

Somebody needs to knock him off that pedestal he has himself on right now.

You say you can take a job in a month that will make you financially secure? Hmmmm, let's talk about that a bit. Is it near where you are now, or does it mean you and the kids will have to relocate?

I think at this point it is completely sane for you to consider taking the job. You don't see what you need from your H in order to feel secure depending financially on him. So why not pursue that route? You don't have to take it in the end if it doesn't suit you or if things change.

I think you've given your husband more than enough chances to "come along" on this recovery ride. And you're right, he doesn't seem like he wants to do that. (Doesn't mean he eventually won't catch up, but he isn't coming along right now).

So think now of what you have to do for you and the kids to be secure and happy. If it takes looking into a job offer to show him you are serious, then so be it. And if that doesn't knock him off his little "everything-is-about-my-career" pedestal, then you're already on the way to doing what is necessary to take care of yourself.

I know this step seems harsh, perhaps, but I think it also shows you are strong and in control of the situation as far as it pertains to your heart, your feelings, your health and the well-being of the kids. You can't control what he does, and he doesn't appear to want to bend all that much, so you need to do what you need to do for you..

As for the depression, hon, please see a doctor. Taking a good anti-depressant can really help you stay even and balanced.

~ Snow

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 06:31 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong> I come to you for advice. I don't always take that advice. I'm not sure why I don't. I'm trying to do what is right here.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's all we can give you, HW, is advice and a shoulder to lean on. Sometimes our advice conflicts with your heart or head. Sometimes we disagree with each other, too. It can be very confusing! Nobody else is in your shoes and nobody knows your husband like you do. So in the end, you have to sift through all of the advice you're given and use what you think will work for you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heroswife:
<strong> I love him and I know he loves me. I know it. I can see it in his eyes. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, I don't doubt that he really loves you. But I also think he's so secure in your love that he doesn't think he needs to do anything to make this mess of his go away. He thinks that your love alone will conquer all of your fears and muster up some trust from deep within you and that he won't have to do any of the work. (Shaking head) I do not want to be there when he wakes up and learns that everyone has limits, even those who seem to be born givers.

He doesn't know how blessed he has been.

~ Snow

<small>[ March 19, 2004, 06:42 PM: Message edited by: Snowbelle ]</small>

heroswife

I know you have brushed closely with "had it, and can't take any more" a couple of times. WH's reluctance to "hear" your pleas to take action are giving you a level of frustration that you cannot see an end to. Many of us can sympathize and empathize with what you are going through.

Maybe it's time to consider doing something that he apparently doesn't believe you are capable of. Leave him. Plan A, as you have been doing, while in the mean time, see an attorney, get your financial affairs in order for Plan B, then do it.

Leave it to the OW to fill ALL his EN's. Let the warts be shown. Let him contemplate the OW's ability to care for him the way you have.

Plan A has a time limit. Did you set a time limit when you started it? How much more drainage can your Love Bank sustain, without being refilled by your WH? How long can you go on knowing he ANSWERS TO HER AT WORK?

I think you said you had a month before your job opportunity was in place. Consider pursuing that opportunity, while in the mean time preparing for Plan B.

It seems, and pardon this if it's judgemental, that your military WH might be approaching this with a "macho", don't need counseling, don't need to read books, I'm all man and don't need help getting my marriage in order, kind of a guy.

We've seen your pain, seen your sorrow, seen a little bit of your soul. The longer you do nothing, the longer nothing changes.

We are relieved to see you back on the boards! Your recent "I give up" post had many of us very concerned for you.

Please don't ever give up!

SD

Not sure if you would say the nuke was launched but OWH found out.

I started a new thread entitled "Angel of Exposure". I'll add details there if anyone is interested.

You all have helped me so much. I just wish this hadn't drug on as long as it did.