I have done a strict plan B and am in my fourth week. Had a strong urge to contact him to ask just one question...read my last posting at the old thread...
My previous thread

I finally could not stand it any longer so i text message him just now and this was what happen...

me ; Are you still in foggyland n undecided?

He : Aren't u asleep yet? What suddenly brought this on, if i may ask?

me ; U answer my question first

He : If you want to talk about this, we do it face to face. Where and when?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

I have not reply to his last message...i thought i will leave him wondering and give him a reply later...maybe tomorrow...so i hope to get some advice if i should meet him or not soon???

<small>[ March 18, 2004, 05:25 AM: Message edited by: zizzycool ]</small>

Stop this now. You are headed the same way I went - it led to more cake-eating by H, and a huge set-back for me. H knows he needs to get rid of OW. Don't contact him at all.

Believer...i have not seen him since that brief moment and spoke just three sentences one week ago.

I have had NO conversation at all with him since plan B started. Like i said...even if he did want to reconcile...there was no chance because i did not give him a chance to talk. I have this feeling he might be trying to reach out to me but my strict plan B may have discourage him.

How can i know his answer if i don't have a conversation with him??? How do I know that he wants to come back or not if I don't find out or give a chance to the WS to talk?

I have read how some WS comes calling and crying back to the BS in Plan B...How they keep contacting the BS on and on...BUT i do not think my WS is the type to do that...even if he had ended with OW...he would wait for me to initiate contact because he feels too much guilt and probably impose a self punishment on himself that he deserve this NC from me.

I don't know... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> My feelings say go and find out...go and find out...

When you asked a direct question...he didn't answer emphatically NO...as a matter of fact, he diverted the question and didn't answer at all.

That is your answer...

Meeting him will mean a setback. Contacting him was a setback, he knows you're waiting and he has more time to get his jollies...

My H didn't start to get serious about reconciliation until he thought I'd given up.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">even if he did want to reconcile...there was no chance because i did not give him a chance to talk.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zizzy, that's not true. He could IM you saying "OW is gone, I'm ready to do everything in the Plan B letter" but he hasn't.

He could write you a letter and mail it but he hasn't.

By the way, you sure are sounding SO MUCH stronger than your first posts. I can hardly believe this is the same person. You are doing great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ March 05, 2004, 11:10 AM: Message edited by: turtlehead ]</small>

I'm a bad person to advise you, because I kept letting H break Plan B, and he still continues to see OW and ask me to get back with him. This is going to continue until I divorce him.

Zizzy,

I had some of the same concerns you have about how do I know if H wants reconciliation if I'm not communicating with him? Maybe I'm not giving him a window to speak?

During a convo on the Harleys radio show, he said that it's okay to come out of Plan B every month or two to ask if the situation had changed. If it hasn't, go back into Plan B.

As someone said already, you have your answer. You can resend your PBL in response. But be honest, do you have any reason to think the situation has changed? Or are you just dying to talk to him again?

ok zizzy, I do think there is a point to discussion in Plan B if you have reason to believe that the WS has ended his relationship. I think his answer is clear evidence that it hasn't. What will happen is that you will go there and he will babble on about how he loves you, but is still not sure, yadda, yadda, yadda. He will talk in circles and you will leave disappointed, deflated and depressed. AND OUT OF CONTROL. If you pursue him, you relinquish all control in the situation and HE KNOWS IT. Don't relinquish control. Wait until he contacts you when you he has ended the relationship.

I would text him back and just say: "I guess you haven't ended it, so there is nothing to discuss. Until then I am moving on. Take care."

Melody i hope the following is something along that lines u mentioned...later i continued my text message with...

me : your replies gave me the answers i needed 2 hear so i know now what i need to do next. Goodnite.

him : What reply? All i said was we talk face to face and you have an answer from that...? Why don't we meet up and talk? All i ask is the time and place?

me : i am tired of talks and everything else. Please write me a reply to my plan B letter when you feel ready and we will proceed from there.

So from here on...i will wait for that letter.

Thanks you all for all the advice. I had to do that. I had to know that he is holding back not because of some crazy self imposed punishment of NC.

Now that i know i can continue on with my plan B.

Good for you. Please learn from my mistakes. My H was completely gone for 4 months. Then he started showing up. He says he loves me, wants to reconcile (even stood up in church about it), but he always goes back to OW. I have caught them in bed twice, just after he said he wanted to get back with me.

He has been doing this since just before Christmas. Now I laugh about it, but at first it was very disturbing.

Please know that the way to get H back for good is to stick to Plan B. Let him know with NC that anything besides NC with OW is not good enough.

I have just read through this thread and wanted to commend you ladies for the strength you are displaying in the face of your own heartaches--what a valiant bunch!

I'm not in Plan B at all, but can definately see the wisdom in it~ you gals have a lot of courage and faith in love and just want you to know I'm rooting for you all!

Plan B zizzy and believer--all the way! You go girls~

Thankyou laststraw. We are kinda floundering along in Plan B, but doing our best.

Hi believer,

For every moment you adhere to a strict Plan B, given your situations, you are that moment closer to a true reconciliation (if it is to happen) and a truly remorseful S and a stronger you, to boot. I can see how Plan B is not for the weak of heart, or mind, for that matter.

Plan B reminds me of something biblical. It reminds me of the story of the prodigal son. Father just let him go and do all his folly until the time he came to his senses. Father was not out there begging and pleading for this to happen, though he loved the son so. Father was not actively involved in a R with the son either, during this time. He was simply waiting until the son came home on his own and came to his senses.
That was how _love_ presented to the prodigal, at its best.

I see this kind of love at work in your lives. This kind of love calls for more faith in love than any other display, I think. And you gals have it--I truly admire that, floundering and all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zizzycool:
<strong> ......I finally could not stand it any longer so i text message him just now and this was what happen...

me ; Are you still in foggyland n undecided?

He : Aren't u asleep yet? What suddenly brought this on, if i may ask?

me ; U answer my question first

He : If you want to talk about this, we do it face to face. Where and when?

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

WHAT DO I DO NOW?

I have not reply to his last message...i thought i will leave him wondering and give him a reply later...maybe tomorrow...so i hope to get some advice if i should meet him or not soon??? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I read your post this morning b4 work. Been on my mind all day. I wanted to post eariler but I don't post at work. I almost had RedHat post for me. LOL!!!

TXTmsg is like e-mail because the tone is muted and you don't hear the sarcasm as much.

So my version of that convo w/b something like:

me ; Are you still in foggyland n undecided?

He : Aren't u asleep yet? What suddenly brought this on, if i may ask?

me ; I was but I had a nightmare about my real H and now I can't go back to sleep. Guess it was the nightmare and the fact that I miss my real H.

He : If you want to talk about this, we do it face to face. Where and when?

me: Not sure if i want to do this but.....Where? Hm..... a public place. When? When I can talk to my real H. When will he be available and I can feel safe that he won't morph while we are talking..

Well let me know where and when and I'll see if I can make it.

He: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

me: <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well that's my take on it.

L.

Believer you describe it well...floundering along in Plan B sounds so funny to me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Last straw...thanks for support. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Orchid...he is definately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> and me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am glad i have not broken plan B...just a crack i think because i can still count the number of sentences we have spoken or text message about us since i started plan B. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Honestly when he asked me about meeting up i got quite panicky. I was afraid to meet him and listen to the same old fog story. I was afraid of facing the pain and hurt again. Luckily i have not. It would definately have set me way way back again and that is a horrible thought.

I am stronger but i don't think i am strong enough to meet him yet. I can feel all the emotions building yet at the thought of meeting him.

I have had 3 false recovery from him since all this started and one month of plan A was agony. He will not get me down there to that dark pit no more. If he doesn't want to reconcile so be it. I am also not so keen about it...Okay okay i take that back...Just having my superwoman moment for now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

ZZ,

You are realizing your boundaries. They have always been there just clearly evident due to all the fog.

You will know when you are strong enough for the encounter. Don't rush your emotional state. It takes time. That is why patience is a requirement for any recovery. Just like shoving all the good food into a baby will not make him healthier we can't shove all of it in the WS' face. They can't digest reality right now.

Keep working on getting your mind and heart in sync. Your strength will come in due time.

I certainly understand about that pit in your stomach when he talks with you. That is why I restorted to e-mails. Much easier and in our case, he opened some of them while at the OWs place (or so I summized since some of what the OW babbled came from my e-mails).

Hugz,
L.

Laststraw - Thanks for the support. It is just like the prodigal son.

Zizzy - Stay strong. When he is ready to restore the marriage, you will know, not just be hoping. I have been in Plan B since September and my WH is still just as foggy as ever.

The only thing is that I have gotten much stronger and have a great sense of humor when I talk to him. You will get there too.

Okayyyyy...i don't know if you categories this as falling off the wagon or not but here is the lastest update.

Daughter again upset tonight and wanted to see her dad. So i text message him and he came over to put her to sleep.

As he was walking out the door...he commented on my new hair do and he also said i lost weight...i told him so did he...then i ask the BIG question..did you end it with OW...and he said NO!...i said goodnite and off he went.

5 mins past before my anger kicked in and my thoughts screamed I want out of this marriage!! I called him on HP and told him that i was going to see the lawyer next week. There was a pause and he said he could not stop me if that is what i wanted to do. Said he loved me and daughter. Said he feels very sorry for putting us through everything. Said even if he came back would i be able to go on living with him. I said it takes two to make it work. He said he knows my condition for coming back meaning ending with OW. Finally he said give him until Wednesday. I almost scream at him again for that but didn't. You know how many times he had said give him until so and so day???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I cannot take him back. I can hear all the same old talk again. I am really tired of all this. I don't think he would stay honest with me even if he comes back. The OW is still working at the office.

I need to move on with my life. I cannot wait for him anymore. I see no point waiting any longer.

I have so much resentment that i am not even crying. When i was with him just now there was not even the heart beating thingy.

I can see that he is not over the OW which mean he will go through major withdrawal...and i don't think i can go through that again. I have had 3 false recovery with him. I had my share of short recovery and that experience gave me the knowledge of how hard recovery can be.

What else is there to save this marriage? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Go back to plan B and wait? For how longgg??? I don't know if i have that much patience.

Zizzy, you just have to go back to Plan B and stop torturing yourself like this. In the meantime, is there anything you can do to end the affair? Is she still working with your H? Do her parents know she is still seeing a married man?

I see now where plan B help me. I should have kept my mouth shut.

If i decided to continue with Plan B. It must be total darkness...completely because if i know and he tells me the same old story i think then it will definately be the end of this marriage.

I have to protect myself. Plan B now is not to protect him from me...it is to protect me and the marriage.

But can i wait that long? What if i happen to meet someone else along the way then what?