HI, I need some advice to try to draw my wife closer.
She is very afraid right now and is holding on to the feelings of hopelesness concerning our marriage. I feel she is holding on to bitterness, resentment and past hurts; ie remember 15yrs ago when... She said yesterday that she would try to work on our M but when I talked this morning and asked her motivation she said that she simply was tired of me asking. I told her that I could not accept that and that I would only make the effort if she first ended all contact w OM and that she was actually willing to work as well. She did say that she would stop talking to him on the phone and only write him but I am not that dumb. I am disappointed but I can tell the fog is still there. I know I had many faults in the M but she did as well. She does confess that she still loves me but does not want to be married to me anymore. She says that if we got back together there would always be this A hanging over her head and just outright tension. I tell her I understand but I do forgive her and understand how she could have fallen to the wayside because she felt lonely. I also said that the only way to get past it is to deal with as much of this upfront in a safe environment and prayer.
I have made several changes in the past few months to address my personal issues and she has aknowledged them but she says too little too late. What can I do if anything to help her that it would be worth trying again? She does not want anything from me ever again because she says it would make her vulnerable. Where do I go or is it jut time to sit back and wait or...?

Hi Pheonix,

I went back and read your other posts because some of the info wasn't clear from just this one.

Your W is currently in an ongoing A and has moved out of the house, right?

I wouldn't give too much creedence to her talk of "remember 15 years ago when..." - she dredges up negative memories to help her feel justified in her actions. The same is true of the "I love you but don't want to be married to you" - this is almost a required speech for WS! Usually though it's "I love you but I'm not in love wiht you". Some WS (wayward spouses) even "rewrite history" and remember things quite differently from how they really were. So when she starts this just let it go in one ear and out the other. If she is bringing up a valid point, like some EN you've not met, then use that to your advantage and begin meeting it.

You said in your other posts that you've been in a Plan A that consists of "being nice to her" - do you know her top ENs? Have you read "After An Affair"? Do you know what LBs you're guilty of and are you taking steps to correct that?

Your W won't be receptive to your Plan A while she's in her A and even for a while after it ends. She's too wrapped up in her feelings for OM right now and acknowledging your deposits go against her view of "how you are". When she does give up OM she'll be in withdrawal, very similar to what an addict experiences. She'll be turned inward and hurting, and not receptive. HOWEVER, continue to Plan A because you want her recent memories of you to be nothing but GOOD.

Regarding her statement that she'll "only write" there must be absolutely NO CONTACT for you guys to get over this.

For the time being, continue to Plan A her and improve yourself. It takes time, and a heck of a lot of it. Try to stay busy with activities you enjoy, and exercise.

Keep posting.

TH - Please see my latest post in D/D. It will explain why she said the "I'll only write him..."
That fool is in jail. I don't if I can compete with prison love! Ahh the choices that people make. I am going to ask her for one last chance for the M. If she really wants someone who can never provide for her and my children the way I have then she can have him however I will be fighting for the children because I will not tolerate someone like him to be around my kids.