My story
It’s been a wild ride. Sunday, while talking about a friend that was pregnant and due any minute, I asked my wife if “the factory was closed yet”. We have 2 girls, and I admit to wanting a boy. For the first time ever, she said, “I think so”. I was really surprised. At one time she wanted 4-5 kids. She said she needed to get back into teaching or she would never get a full time job later. Pushing her, I asked if there were other issues. W won’t talk unless I really push, but when did start to spill. She said b/c of our problems, she was afraid a child would only add to our troubles. She also spoke of her low self-esteem, and “inner-conflicts” (her term). We then moved to the issue of our marriage. She asked me if I regretted marrying her, I said no, couldn’t imagine life w/o her. She said the same basic thing to me. I asked if she wanted to leave. She paused, and said, if it were not for the kids, she would have divorced. That was tough to hear. I said she was acting the same way she was a year ago, and she said b/c the same issues are here in our M that were there a year ago, but not another man. Additionally, after talking about sex, it comes out that she had been “going thru the motions” for my sake, she could take it or leave if. And she is the one that cheated; try to relate to that from the male psyche. She says that she is considering divorce, but hasn’t decided yet. I tell her the decision is hers.

Monday, I go to work, but feign illness, and come home early. I am pretty messed up, and could not be at work. While the kids were at school, we talked and agreed to work on the M for the kids. Also for us. It was tense. Part of me, said for here it was only for the kids. Just my hunch.

Tuesday was a busy day, kids and homework, both of us tired. Little chance for interaction.

Wednesday was an interesting day. Come home, play with the girls, had a lot of fun. Had a family dinner. After I got home, W showed me a picture my oldest D had drawn; it showed M&D with both girls along with the caption “I Love my Family”. It brought tears to both our eyes. Really made us focus on what is important, out kids. Got the girls to bed, but oldest started playing the I want to sleep w/M&D. We both had to get tough with her. Even though the W had suggested that SF be scaled back, we made love; she even made some subtle overtures before the event. Maybe wishful thinking on my part, but I sensed it.

Last note, had a sitter, went to a movie and dinner afterwards. It was nice.

Tonite, W is feeling sick and has gone to bed.

Question is, can staying together for the kids be enough? With current state, how can I trust again knowing D is being considered? I want this to work, but am having a tough time connecting with W. I recently tried the 180 stuff, and seems to be having a little impact. Before, I was also initiating contact and affection, to the point that it was too much. Critiques welcome.

My wife was the WW. We went through hell since D-DAY 5/03. Real hell. If it wasn't fot the kids we would have been through, in fact we may have been through if we didn't have kids and even before the affair. But, for us, the kids gave us the reason to stay, to at least give it a shot, not for them but because of them. Me and the wife both agree that they deserve us working at it and making 1) each of us better indivualiy 2) better as a couple 3) better as a family. I have come from divorce and know how ugly it is, and don't want that for my kids. So I am going to do everything I, and we, can to avoid that. I can't imagine just staying for the kids alone, and miserable as a couple. I believe you would eentually hate each other more and may resent that kids, because the would have been the reason you stayed. As far as throwing the divorce word around, I believe we do it for many reasons.
1) We do it to get a reaction from our spouse, to see how they would react to it. If they react sad and sorry, then that validates they have true emotions in the marraige.
2) We do it to see where we are in the successful marraige continuim. If one says "divorce" and the other says "fine" it sets the basic tone of how each feels. When your angry and frustrated it's easier to say "divorce" than it is "I love you".
It's not as risky as bringing emotions of feelings and love and hurt out.
3) For some, like me with a history, my wife would say divorce because she knew it hurt and would kill me, so we use it as a weapon.
Divorce is an option. Staying is an option. But the only way a family unit is good and runs good are if the two parents are happy. Happy with themselves (which is a whole other issue) and happy with each other. No I don't think you can stay just for the kids, but they may be a great incentive and make it worth fighting for. Fight the good fight and good luck.