I sometimes wonder how I got here. My WH and I are still separated but he is moving back in this weekend. I'm not sure this is a good idea. We have been apart since Nov.

History for you is, WH has had several affairs. The last one was a cyber A. I saw things I've never seen before. The cyber A turned into and EA that did include phone contact and cyber sex. Just learned about that. He has had no contact, he claims, since I confronted him. He didn't do a NC letter but a NC phone message. Also as a result of the huge amount of time spent on the computer, he ignored our children and was emotionally and physically abusive at times.

We are both in counseling at our church and doing well. He is supposed to have gone to MC. He went once but we haven't gone together yet. He wants a different counselor but hasn't scheduled and appointment yet. I refuse to jump in and rescue him this time.

I disclosed a PA of my own as I have read should be done in order to move on and rebuild. We were both having affairs at the same time. Even though it was 15 years ago and before children he is acting far to wounded, in my opinion.

My issue right now is that he disclosed to me that his last PA (approx 6 years ago) went on longer than I thought but the tough part was finding out that they told each other they loved each other. She also bought him gifts. He claims he didn't buy her anything. He also hasn't told me any details re: how, when, what and I don't want to know. He regularly asks those questions of me.

I now have images of them together saying they love each other but can't be together. Like a bad movie. She left her husband and is now, I think, waiting in the wings for mine. He claims his only contact after she left his place of employment was once or twice at lunch when his group ran into hers. He seems to know who she is dating and is not remarried. Said he heard it from casual conversations with mutual friends. I've read how those embers can turn to flames years later.

Part of me not being able to let go of this, I think is that he has lied to me about some many things, this included. That was after our agreement of total honesty.

I'm so sad. Not a pity party but really sad. I feel like it doesn't matter anymore and I am stuck. I know better than to stay for the children, like I did last time but it feels like it is happening again.

Hi Confused,

Boy, you guys have been through it all, huh? I know how it feels to be lied to after a commitment to radical honesty--for me it felt like I was back at d-day each time even though the lies had nothing to do with an affair. I felt it was an assault on my humanity from the very person I was trying to rebuild the trust with--which made the pain of it all the more intense it seems, and the wanting to throw up my hands-moments overwhelmed me. Sometimes I wondered if I was wasting my time and youth (what's left of it..lol) on him who would never become a really honest man.

Times like this when the truth comes out in little spurts and dribbles can be looked at 2 ways, I think. One way is to get mad that he couldn't just let it all out on one day and get it over with. The other way and may be felt at the same time is that he is doing his best to become an honest man now--and accept that he is taking the long and more painful road to get there--but that it is a start or a middle, at least. This may call for more patience than you have ever showed to anyone if you decide to stick it out.

Another thing I want to mention is that it seems that men have a really hard time with the physical images (not that women don't) but that is there main torture. Like for you, it is that they exchanged words of love and this rocks you to the core. One thing my H is grateful about is that I didn't have an A of my own even though he did. This would have devastated him, I know, as he is quite normal in this regard concerning his own W. I know, double standard, but it is real for many men. He has his own grief to work through concerning your A on top of all his own harmful contributions to your R--that can't be easy at all for anyone.

You guys are really going to have to create a whole new M built on honesty now and mutual respect. That's a tall order. Good he is willing to go to counseling, mine is going this month for IC for the first time but it took two years for him to do this and make the appt. for himself.

I am by no means a MB expert here at all, but wanted to reply to your post and only hope something I said helped.

Thank you for your words of encouragement. I have days when I feel like I should just file for divorce and get it over with. I think that is insecurity about the future. Not wanting to be hurt again, not wanting my children to go through this again and me not wanting to be my mother.

I know that I must trust God in order to make this work.

Good luck to all of you at MB. There are a lot of great people here with words of wisdom.